(The cats are milling around the junkyard, which now has several sets put up: a street in Covent Garden, a box at a fancy race track, and of course, a large study.)

Munkustrap: Well, after "Oklahomeow!", it's good to do a show where we talk like somewhat sophisticated cats...and there isn't anyone who's more eloquent than Henry Higgins! For once Matt gave me a decent part! Only one problem...my tuxedo's too big.

Old Deuteronomy: You should have my problems. My tuxedo's too small!

Jennyanydots: Why don't you two switch them?

Munku: I got a great idea, Old Deuteronomy! Let's switch tuxes!

Old D: Fine by me. GLad you thought of it, Munkustrap.

Jenny: MALES! Sheesh!

(Matt and Juliet walk in.)

Matt: OK guys, this is one of my favorite musicals, so PLEASE don't mess this up! Mungojerrie, did you teach the chorus cats Cockney like I asked you to?

Mungojerrie: Oi sure did, guvna!

Pouncival: 'E taught us everythin' 'e knaows!

Jemima: The best Cockney teacher in all Westminstah, 'e is, luv!

Matt: I already know I'm going to regret having him do that.

Julie: I think you have a bigger problem on your hands...(motions to a corner, where Grizabella is rocking back and forth, still in her Norma Desmond costume, holding a turban, singing fragments of songs from "Sunset Boulevard")...she's a bit upset that she doesn't have a part in this play.

Matt: I know what to do...hey Jellylorum, come here a minute.

Jelly: Sure, what is it?

Matt: I know I had you slated to play Mrs. Pearce in this one but...well, as a reward for how well you played Laurey in "Oklahomeow!", I'm giving you this one off.

Jelly: Fine by me. Besides, I should keep an eye on those kittens to make sure they don't end up speaking in Cockney for life.

Matt: Problem solved. (goes over to Grizabella)...hey Grizabella...you're playing Mrs. Pearce in this one.

Griz: (overdramatically) Oh...thank you...thank you. GRIZABELLA'S BACK ONCE AGAIN!!!

Mungo: 'Ey Matt, Oi alsaow did ya another faivor. Oi 'ad Gus spend the entoire daiy with me saow that he could get into character.

Gus: And I can now slip in and out of a Cockney accent. And may I add, Mungojerrie, that the next time I want to go slumming, I'll give you a call.

Mungo: 'Ey!

Matt: All right then, tallyho, pip pip, and all those other British phrases...ACTION!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

(It's a cold night in London. An opera has just ended and many well-dressed cats are making their way across to Covent Garden to look for taxis. Many are huddled under St. Paul's Cathedral. There are street entertainers diverting the crowd... and we see a well-dressed, middle-aged queen, Mrs. Tugsford-Hill...)

Matt: Uh, Jellylorum, do you mind? I need a Mrs. Eynsford-Hill!

Jelly: Well...OK. I may as well be having this parody off anyway...she has, what, 10 lines in this whole thing?

(... and her son Freddy, pass. Freddy collides into a street performer and he crashes into another figure...this is the flower queen, Eliza Doorumple. She looks extremely shabby and her flowers have now scattered all over the place. In other words, she's basically turn-of-the-20th century London street scum...)

Rumpleteazer: 'Ey! Oi ain't naow street scum! (gets into character, although it isn't that big of a stretch...) Aaaooowwww!

Tugger: I'm frightfully sorry.

Rumple: Two bunches of violets trod in the mud! A full daiy's waiges. Why daon't ya look where you're gaowin'?

Jelly: Get a taxi, Freddy. Do you want me to catch pneumonia?

Tugger: Yeah Ma.

Matt: NO! Tugger, you're supposed to say "I'm sorry, Mother!"

Tugger: Sorry. (back into character) I'm sorry, Mother. I'll get a taxi right away. (turns back to Eliza) Sorry.

(During the following exchange, Colonel Deutering appears. He is a retired military tom who is now a linguist.)

Rumple: (still to Mrs. Tugsford-Hill) Aow, 'e's YOUR son, is 'e? Well, if you'd done your duty by 'im as a mother should, you wouldn't let 'im spoil a poor queen's flowers and then run away without paying.

Jelly: Go on about your business, my girl.

Rumple: Two bunches of violets trod in the mud...

Old D: (calling away) Taxi! Taxi!

(Eliza notices the Colonel...)

Rumple: Oi saiy, Cap'n, buy a flower off a poor queen.

Old D: I'm sorry. I haven't any change.

Rumple: Oi can chainge 'alf a crown. 'Ere, taike this for tuppence.

Old D: I really haven't any--stop, here's three halfpence, if that's any use to you.

Rumple: Thaink ya, sir!

(No sooner does this happen, but a bystander notices something...)

Pouncival: That these Cockney accents will be implanted in your brain if you read this thing until the end?

Carbucketty: Wot you talkin' bout, guvna?

Pounce: NOT YOU TOO!

Admetus: Here, you be careful. Better give him a flower for it. There's a bloke there behind the pillar taking down every blessed word you're saying.

Rumple: (who is now freaking out) Oi ain't done nothin' wrong by speakin' to the gentleman! Oi've got a right to sell flowers if I keep off the curb...Oi'm a respectable girl, so 'elp me, Oi never spaoke to 'im except to ask 'im to buy a flower off me...

(By now the crowd has their attention on these goings-on...)

Quaxo: What's the row?

Skimbleshanks: What's all the bloomin' noise?

Bill Bailey: There's a tec takin' 'er down.

Rumple: (starts crying to Deutering) Aaoowww, sir, daon't let 'im charge me! You dunno wot it means to me. They'll taike awaiy my character and droive me on the streets for speakin' to gentlemen...

(at this, the tom taking down everything Eliza's been saying turns around. It turns out to be linguist extraordinaire, Professor Hairball Higgins.)

Munku: As in "this character makes me want to barf a hairball, Higgins!"

Matt: Munkustrap, you're on!

Munku: Sorry. (into character) There, there, there, who's hurting you, you silly queen? What do you take me for?

Rumple: (still delusional) On my Boible aowth, Oit never said a word...

Munku: Oh, shut up, shut up, do I look like a policetom?

Rumple: Then wot did ya taike daown moi words for? 'Ow do I knaow whether ya took me down roight? Ya just shaow me what ya wraote abou' me.

(Higgins opens his notebook and shows her...as well as the rest of the mob who is over his shoulder...whose weight is too much to bear and Munkustrap falls to the ground...but he picks himself up...)

Rumple: Wot's this? That ain't proper writing. Oi can't read that!

Munku: I can. (He reads it, imitating her pronunciation) "Oi say, Cap'n, buy a flower off a poor queen."

Mungo: Rumple 'n' Oi saound loike tha'? Oi never naoticed!

Rumple: It's because Oi called him Cap'n! Oi meant naow 'arm! (to Deutering) Aow, sir, daon't let 'im laiy a charge agen me for a word loike that. You...

Old D: Charge! I make no charge! (Turns to Higgins) Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protecting me against molestation by young queens until I ask you.

Tugger: PROTECTION? I dig being pursued by young queens!

Old D: Anybody could see the girl meant no harm.

Bill: He ain't a tec. He's a gentleman. Look at his shoes.

Munku: And how are all your people down at Selsey?

Bill: Who told you my people come from Selsey?

Munku: Never mind...they did. (To Eliza) How do you come to be up so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove.

Rumple: Ooooh, what 'arm is there in my leaving Lisson Graowve? It wasn't fit for a pig to live in, and Oi 'ad to pay four-and-six a week. Oh, boo-hoo-oo...

Jemi: Man, Eliza Doolittle really is paranoid, isn't she?

Mistoffelees: Well, wouldn't YOU be if someone knew where you were from but didn't know you?

(Back on stage...)

Munku: Live where you like, but stop that noise.

Old D: Come, come. He can't touch you, you have a right to live where you please.

Rumple: Oi'm a good girl, Oi am.

(By now, Prof. Higgins is busy analyzing the accents of some of the other bystanders in the vicinity.)

Skimble: Do you know where I come from?

Munku: Hoxton.

Skimble: Well, who said I didn't! Blimey, you know everything, you do!

Coricopat: (motions to Deutering) Tell him where he comes from, if you want to go fortune telling.

Munku: Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and India.

Old D: Quite right.

George: Blimey, he ain't a tec, he's a bloomin' busybody, that's what he is.

(The crowd disperses, leaving only Higgins, Eliza, Deutering, and four toms huddled against a fire inside a garbage can.)

Old D: May I ask, sir, do you do this sort of thing for a living on the music halls?

Munku: I have thought of that. Perhaps I will someday.

Rumple: 'E ain't naow gentleman, 'e ain't, to interfere with a poor girl.

(Higgins and Deutering are still engaged in their own conversation.)

Victoria: Well, DUH! There haven't been any Cockney smart cracks aimed at the two of them for quite some time!

Old D: How do you do it, if I may ask?

Munku: Simple phonetics. The science of speech. That's my profession, also my hobby. Anyone can spot an Irishtom or a Yorkshiretom by his brogue. I can place a tom within six miles, I can place him within two miles in London. (motions to Eliza) Sometimes within two streets!

Rumple: (who is still mumbling to herself) Ought to be ashaimed of 'imself, unmanly coward!

Old D: But there is a living in that?

Munku: Oh yes, quite a fat one.

Rumple: Let 'im moind 'is own business and leave a poor girl...

(By now Higgins has heard enough...)

Munku: (practically screaming) WOMAN! Cease this detestable boohooing instantly or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship!

(This last line made all the cats jump with surprise...especially Tantomile, who hit her head on a piece of scenery.)

Tantomile: OW! Watch the overacting, Munkustrap, for my health!

Munku: Sorry.

Rumple: Oi've a roight to be 'ere if Oi loike, saime as you.

Munku: A queen who utters such depressing and disgusting sounds has no right to be anywhere--no right to live. Remember that you are a cat with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech--

Demter: Although to humans, our speech is just a bunch of meows, purrs, and growls...

Munku: --that your native language is the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible; and don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.

Skimble: Doesn't Bustopher Jones usually ask where the pigeon is about now?

Bustopher: No. I had to stop eating pigeons. Those filthy things are bad for my cholesterol.

Pounce: BUT HE'S STILL A LARD-BUTT!

Matt: I wouldn't talk if I were you, Pouncival. Both you and Bustopher made quick work of the deli tray in "Oklahomeow!". And besides, you're still on...

Pounce: Sorry!

Rumple: Aoooooowwwwww!!!!

(So anyway, that last guttural wail from Eliza...besides damaging Prof. Higgins' poor ears...prompts him to sing...er, well, half-talk, half-sing a song...)

Tugger: Well I'll be. A linguist and a rapper all in one.

Munku: Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters!

Condemned by every syllable she utters!

By right she should be takin out and hung

For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue!

Rumple: A-o-o-o-o-w!

Munku: Aooowww! Heavens, what a noise!

This is what the British population

Calls an elementary education.

Old D: Come, sir, I think you picked a poor example.

Munku: Did I?

Hear them down in Soho Square

Dropping H's everywhere,

Speaking English any way they like.

(approaches one of the toms--Tumblebrutus--by the garbage can)

You sir, did you go to school?

Tumblebrutus: Whatya tike me for, a fool?

Munku: No one taught him "take" instead of "tike".

Hear a Yorkshiretom or worse,

Hear a Cornishman converse.

I'd rather hear a choir singing flat!

Chickens cackling in a barn, just like this one!

Rumple: Garn!

Munku: "GAAARN!" I ask you sir, what sort of word is THAT?!

It's "Aooww" and "Garn" that keep her in her place,

Not her wretched clothes and dirty face!

Why can't the English teach their kittens how to speak?

This verbal class distinction by now should be antique.

If you spoke as she does, sir,

Instead of the way you do,

Why, you might be selling flowers too!

Old D: I beg your pardon!

Munku: An Englishtom's way of speaking absolutely classifies him

The moment he talks, he makes some other Englishtoms despise him.

Mungo: Or maike fun of 'im for singin' this corny song.

One common language I'm afraid we'll never get

Oh why can't the English learn to...

Set a good example to people whose English is painful to your ears.

The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears.

There even are places where English completely disappears.

In America, they haven't used it for years!

Why can't the english teach their children how to speak?

Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks are taught their Greek,

In France every Frenchtom knows his language from "A" to "Zed"...

The French never care what they do, actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.

Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning,

The Hebrews learn it backwards, which is absolutely frightening.

Skimble: Are you happy, Munkustrap, you just offended an entire religious group with that last line!

Munku: (finishes) But use proper English, you're regarded as a freak,

Why can't the English,

Why can't the English learn to speak!

(Well...Munkustrap used proper English, and several regard him as a freak...the backstage toms are once again bowled over in the back, laughing their tails off.)

(Tugger leads a chorus of backstage toms...)

Backstage Toms: He's dressed like a sissy, yes, our leading tom's a freak,

Oh poor Munkustrap is...

Poor Munkustrap is quite a geek!

Munku: KNOCK IT OFF, WISE TOMS! Especially you, Tugger, with the song you have to sing later on.

Matt: Get it back together, guys!

Munku: (back into character) YOu see this creature with her curbstone English, the English that will keep her in the gutter to the end of her days? Well, sir, in six months, I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy ball. I could even get her a place as a queen's maid or shop assistant, which requires better English.

(To make an already long story short...Prof. Higgins springs Eliza with the idea of passing her off as a duchess with the right training...)

Rumple: Aaooowww! Ya don't believe that, Cap'n?

Old D: Well, anything is possible. I myself am a student of Indian dialects.

Jemi: Doesn't he mean "native American"?

Vicky: I think he meant Indians from India, Jemima.

Munku: Are you? Do you know Colonel Deutering, the author of "Spoken Sanskrit"?

Old D: I am Colonel Deutering. Who are you?

Munku: Hairball Higgins, author of "Higgins' Universal Alphabet".

Old D: I came from India to meet you!

Munku: I was going to India to meet you!

Old D: (extends his paw) Higgins!

Munku: (extends his paw) Deutering! (they shake hands and hug)

All: Awwwwwwwww.

Munku: Where are you staying?

Old D: At the Carleton.

Munku: No you're not! You're staying at 27-A Wimpole Street. Come with me and we'll have a jaw over supper.

Bustopher: SUPPER? Is it break time already?

(Any-hoo, the two distinguished linguists--say that five times fast, kitties!--start off...but Eliza won't let them go empty-pawed...)

Rumple: Buy a flower, koind sir. Oi'm short for my lodging.

Munku: LIAR! You said you could change half a crown!

Rumple: Ya ought to be stuffed with nails, ya ought. 'Ere! (shoves her basket at him) Take the 'ole bloomin' basket for sixpence!

(Higgins takes some money into her basket and he and Deutering take off, engaging in quite animated conversation...)

Munku: Indian dialects have always fascinated me. I have records of over fifty.

Vicky: What happened to listening to music, like normal cats?

Old D: Have you now. Did you know there are over two hundred?

Munku: By George...

George: Yeah?

Munku: NOT YOU, GEORGE! (back into character) It's worse than London. Do you know them all?

(Well, Higgins gave Eliza quite a bit of money for a Cockney flower queen...and she goes off to the fire to share her wealth with the four toms--Tumblebrutus, Pouncival, Plato, and Macavity.)

Macavity: I'M a street urchin?

Matt: Well, you were complaining about being the bad guy all the time. So I thought I'd give you a break...especially after the two concussions you suffered in "Oklahomeow!"

Mac: I should be so grateful.

Tumble: (makes a sweep of his hat) Shouldn't you stand up, gentlemen? We've got a bloomin' heiress in our midst!

Pounce: Would you be lookin' for a good butler, Eliza?

Rumple: You waon't do.

(The four toms start to sing in barbershop harmony...)

Pounce: It's rather dull in town, I think I'll take me to Paree...mmmmm...

Plato: The missus wants to open up the castle in Capri...mmmmm...

Tumble: Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea...mmmmm...

All Four: Mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, wouldn't it be loverly!

Mac: Where're ya bound for this spring, Eliza? Biarritz?

Rumple: (sings)

All I want is a room somewhere,

Far awaiy from the caold noight air

With one enormous chair

Aoooww, wouldn't it be loverly?

Lots of choc'late for me to eat

Lots of caoal maikin' lots o' heat

Warm faice, warm paws, warm feet,

Aoooww, wouldn't it be loverly?

Aoooww, so loverly sittin' absobloominlutely still

Oi would never budge till spring

Crept over me winder sill

Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee

Warm and tender as 'e can be

'oo taikes good care of me,

Aooww, wouldn't it be loverly?

Loverly! Loverly!

Loverly! Loverly!

(Anyway, whatever cats don't have major roles crowd the stage in rags and mimic living in the lap of luxury...until the winter wind blows and brings them back to reality.)

Griz: Been there, done that. Those cats haven't seen any harsh realities like I have.

(On with the next scene. It's at a tenement in Tottenham Court Road...)

Griz: Excuse me, I have to go to my dressing room until this scene is done. Too many bad memories of Tottenham Court.. *walks to her dressing room, quietly singing "Grizabella, The Glamour Cat"*

(...we are taken to a pub. The bartender, George...)

George: Finally, the role I was born to play!

(...is seen kicking out three rowdy patrons--Mungoharry, Pouncy, and their "ringleader", a dustman named Gusfred P. Doorumple.)

Mungo: OK gents, remember what Oi taught ya... (they get into character.)

George: Oi ain't runnin' no charity bazaar. Drinks is to be paid for or not drunk. Come on, Doorumple, ou' ya go. 'Op it now, Doorumple. On the double.

Gus: (overacting, with a grand Cockney accent) Thainks for your 'ospitality, George! Send the bill to Buckin'am Palace! (he now speaks to his pals) 'yde Park to walk through on a foine spring noight, the 'ole ruddy city of London to roam about in sellin' er bloomin' flowers. I give 'er all that, and then I disappears and leaves 'er on 'er own to enjoy it. Naow if that ain't worth 'alf a crown now an' again, I'll taike off me belt an' give her what for.

Pounce: Ya got a good 'eart, Gussie, but if you want that 'alf a crown from Eliza, ya better 'ave a good story to gaow with it.

(Eliza walks on...)

Gus: Eliza! Wot a surprise!

Rumple: Not a brass farthin'.

Gus: Now you look here, Eliza. Ya wouldn't 'ave the 'eart to send me 'ome to your stepmother withou' a bit o' liquid protection, now would ya?

Rumple: Stepmother. Ha! Stepmother, indeed!

Gus: Well, Oi'm willin' to marry 'er, it's just me that suffers by it. Oi'm a slave to that queen, Eliza. Just because Oi ain't 'er lawful 'usband. Come on Eliza, slip your ol' Dad 'alf a crown to go 'ome on.

Rumple: (flips a coin in the air) Well, Oi 'ad a bit of luck meself tonight. So 'ere. (gives Gusfred the coin.)

Mungo: (calls into the pub) GEORGE! Three glorious beers!

Rumple: But don't keep comin' round countin' on 'alf crowns from me! (she takes off)

Gus: Goodnoight, Eliza! You're a naoble daughter! Ya see, boys, Oi taold ya not to go 'ome! It's just faiyth, 'ope, an' a little bit o' luck! (breaks into song)

Matt: Please, Gus, remember the words...this is one of my favorite songs from this show...

Gus: (sings) The Everlastin' Cat above gave toms an arm of iron

So they could do their job an' never shirk,

The Everlastin' Cat above gave toms an arm of iron BUT

With a little bit o' luck,

With a little bit o' luck

SOMEONE ELSE'LL DO THE BLINKIN' WORK!

Gus, Pounce, Mungo: With a little bit, with a little bit,

With a little bit o' luck you'll never work!

Gus: The Everlastin' Cat above maide liquor for temptation

To see if toms could turn away from sin!

The Everlastin' Cat above maide liquor for temptation BUT

With a little bit o' luck,

With a little bit o' luck,

When temptation comes you'll give roight in!

Gus, Pounce, Mungo: With a little bit, with a little bit,

With a little bit o' luck you'll give roight in!

Gus: Aoowww, you can walk the straiyght an' narraow

But with a little bit o' luck you'll run amuck!

The gentle sex was maide for toms to marry

To share our nests and see our food is cooked.

The gentle sex was maide for toms to marry BUT

With a little bit o' luck, with a little bit o' luck

YOU CAN 'AVE IT ALL AND NOT GET 'OOKED!

Gus, Pounce, Mungo: With a little bit, with a little bit,

With a little bit o' luck you won't get 'ooked!

With a little bit, with a little bit,

With a little bit o' bloomin' luck!

(At this point, an angry queen sticks her head out of a window...)

Dem: Shut your face down there! How's a queen supposed to get some rest?

Gus: Oi'm troiyin' to keep 'em quoiet, lady!

(Some more angry toms are heard...)

Admetus: Shut up! Once and for all, shut up!

Quaxo: One more sound, so help me, I'll call a copper!

Gus: (to Mungoharry and Pounce) 'Ere, 'ere, 'ere, stop that laoud talk. Cats are troiyin' ta sleep! Let's troiy to be neighborly-loike, boys. After all...

(sings veddy, veddy softly)

The Everlastin' Cat above maide toms to 'elp their neighbors

No matter where, on land, or sea, or foam.

The Everlastin' Cat above maide toms to 'elp their neighbors, BUT

With a little bit o' luck,

With a little bit o' luck...

(goes to full volume on this next line)

WHEN THEY COME AROUND YOU WON'T BE 'OME!

Pounce and Mungo: With a little bit, with a little bit

With a little bit o' luck you won't be 'ome!

Gus: They're always thraowin' goodness at ya

But with a little bit o' luck a tom can duck!

Aooww, it's a croime for toms to go philanderin'...

Tugger: Uh-oh.

Gus: (who hasn't lost his concentration) An' fill his queen's poor 'eart with grief an' doubt.

Aooww, it's a croime for toms to go philanderin' BUT

With a little bit o' luck, with a little bit o' luck

YOU CAN SEE THE BLOOD 'OUND WON'T FOIND OUT!

Gus, Pounce, Mungo: (by this time at the top of their lungs)

WITH A LITTLE BIT, WITH A LITTLE BIT,

WITH A LITTLE BIT O' LUCK SHE WON'T FOIND OUT!

WITH A LITTLE BIT, WITH A LITTLE BIT,

WITH A LITTLE BIT O' BLOOMIN' LUCK!!!!

(And as angry kitties' voices descend on them, they go into the pub for a cold one.)

Matt: Man, that's a great song!

(The next scene begins. We see Higgins' study, which is filled with books, recording equipment, paperwork, and other such paraphernalia. Higgins and Deutering are sitting in the study, listening to vowel sounds...)

Matt: EXCUSE ME! Where in the script does it say "Higgins and Deutering are dancing a two-step to the song Gusfred just sang?"

Munku: Hey, it's not our fault it's a catchy song.

Old D: It had a beat and we could dance to it.

Julie: Here, Matt, take some Excedrin. You're gonna need it!

(Well, the two toms are chilling out listening to vowel sounds...quite the way to spend a Saturday night...)

Carb: YOU should talk! You've spent the past two weekends making these parodies!

(...when Mrs. Griz, Higgins' housekeeper enters.)

Griz: (overacting as usual) Mr. Higgins, are you there?

Munku: (noticing the overacting and acts more annoyed than usual) What is it, Mrs. Griz?

Griz: A young queen wants to see you, sir.

Misto: I sure hope you got rid of those "Oklahomeow!" six-shooters, Matt, before she has another "Sunset" flashback.

Matt: Don't worry, I did.

(So anyway, Eliza Doorumple has found her way to Higgins' house, and to make a long story short, she says she wants to be made into a proper queen. Higgins and Deutering find this fascinating, and Deutering makes the bet to Higgins: he'll put all the expenses of the experiment on the line. Higgins accepts. Higgins becomes the strict disciplinarian around Eliza...and although she protests, she stays at the house for her lessons.)

Munku: In six months, in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue, I'll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. I'll make a proper duchess out of that barbarous wretch.

Matt: Hey, female cats are already called queens, so I had to do SOME modification.

Old D: Higgins, forgive the bluntness, but if I'm to be in this business, I shall feel responsible for this queen. I hope it's clearly understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position.

Munku: What, that thing? Sacred, I assure you.

Old D: Now come, Higgins, you know what I mean. THis is no trifling matter! Are you a tom of good character where queens are concerned?

Munku: Have you ever met a tom of good character where women are concerned?

Old D: Yes, very frequently.

Munku: Well, I haven't. I find that the moment I let a queen make friends with me she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a nuisance. I find that the moment I let myself become friends with a queen, I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so.

Jennyanydots: This Higgins guy hasn't heard of a thing called "Queens' Lib", has he?

Munku: After all, Deutering...(half-sings, half-talks)

I'm an ordinary tom

Who desires nothing more than just the ordinary chance

To live exactly as he likes and do precisely what he wants.

An average tom am I, of no eccentric whim

Who likes to live his life free of strife

Doing whatever he thinks is best for him.

Just an ordinary tom.

BUT...let a queen into your life...

And your serenity is through!

She'll redecorate your home from the cellar to the dome

Then get on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you!

Bustopher: Uh, Jennyanydots, I think we should re-evaluate our relationship...

Jenny: *hisses at him*

Bustopher: Sorry, darling.

Munku: (continues) Oh let a queen in your life

And you are up against the wall!

Make a plan and you will find she has something else in mind

And so rather than do either, you do something else that neither likes at all!

You want to talk of Keats or Milton,

She only wants to talk of love.

You go to see a play or ballet,

And spend it searching for her glove!

Oh let a queen into your life

And you invite eternal strife!

Backstage Toms: RIGHT ON!

Munku: (continues) Let them buy their wedding bands

For those anxious little hands

I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling...

(Macavity appears backstage in his Orin Scrivello DDS costume from "Little Junkyard of Horrors")

Mac: You called?

Matt: Somehow I know you knew that was from the wrong show, Macavity.

Skimble: Actually, it's just a side effect from that double concussion.

Munku: (still going on) ...Than to ever let a queen into my life!

I'm a very gentle tom.

Even tempered and good natured,

Whom you never hear complain

Who has the milk of Jellicle kindness

By the quart in every vein.

A patient tom am I, down to my claw tips,

The sort who never could, ever would, let an insulting remark escape his lips.

Tugger: OH YEAH, SURE!

Munku: BUT...let a queen into your life

And patience hasn't got a chance.

She will beg you for advice

Your reply will be concise

And she'll listen very nicely then go out and do precisely what she wants!

Pounce: Preach it, Munkustrap!

Munku: You were a tom of grace and polish

Who never spoke above a hush

Now all at once you're using language

That would make a sailor blush!

Oh, let a queen into your life

And you are plunging in a knife!

Let the others of my sex

Tie the knot--around their necks!

I'd prefer a new edition

Of the Spanish Inquisition!

Tumble: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Tanti: And that was our Monty Python Reference of the Fic, folks!

Munku: LET ME FINISH THE SONG, HUH?

(continues)...than to ever let a queen into my life!

I'm a quiet living tom

Who prefers to spend the evenings in the silence of his room

Who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb.

A pensive tom am I, of philosophic joys

Who likes to meditate, contemplate, free from humanity's mad inhuman noise.

Just a quiet living tom.

(he breaks into a fit of rage, especially because this is the song's big finish and he wants to make it a good one)

BUT LET A QUEEN INTO YOUR LIFE...

AND YOUR SABBATICAL IS THROUGH!

In a line that never ends come an army of her friends

Come to jabber and to chatter and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!

SHE'LL HAVE A BOOMING, BOISTEROUS FAMILY

WHO WILL DESCEND ON YOU EN MASSE,

SHE'LL HAVE A LARGE WAGNERIAN MOTHER

WITH A VOICE THAT SHATTERS GLASS!!!!!

Oh, let a queen into your life...(he turns on a machine at high speed, and we hear a loud female babbling)

Let a queen into your life...(he turns on another machine, and we hear another similar sound on top of the first)

LET A QUEEN INTO YOUR LIFE...(he turns on the third, and cranks the volume...which happens to be the master control for all the machines...up as loud as it will go. However, he breaks the knob off and now it's not just Deutering, but all the cats, who are suffering from this torture.)

Carb: AIIEEEEEE!!!

Mac: Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!

Alonzo: Please, for the love of the Everlasting Cat!

Dem: SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

(Mistoffelees just looks at the machines, shakes his head in disbelief, points a claw at them, and the knob magically reattaches itself and the machines all turn off.)

Munku: I shall never let a queen into my life!

(Blackout, indicating the end of the scene)

(The next scene takes place back at the Tottenham Court tenement...)

Griz: (wandering aimlessly about the stage)...YOU SEEEEEE THE CORNER OF HER COAT IS TORN AND STAAAAAIIIINED WITH SAAAAAAAND...

Matt: Uh, Griz, you're not in this scene...

(Juliet runs on stage and soothes Grizabella, leading her offstage.)

(but anyway, Mrs. Bombkins, a Cockney queen, is gossiping to some neighbors. She's holding a birdcage and a Chinese fan.)

Bombalurina: 'Ow'd ya loike that! Knocked me for a raow of pins, it did.

(There is a commotion coming from the pub. George has booted out Gusfred and his pals yet again.)

George: Come on, Doorumple. Out ya go. 'Op it now, I ain't runnin no charity bazaar.

Gus: (now a bit more drunk after that cold one from a few scenes back) Thainks for your 'ospitality, George. Send...

George: Yes, I know. Send the bill to Buckingham Palace. (He goes back in the pub)

Bomb: Ya can buy yer aown drinks naow, Gussie Doorumple. Fallen into a tub of butter, ya have.

Gus: What tub of butter?

Bomb: Your daughter, Eliza. Oh, you're a lucky man, Gussie Doorumple.

Gus: Wot're ya talkin' bout? Wot about Eliza?

Bomb: 'E daon't knaow. 'Er aown father, and 'e daon't knaow. Moved in with a swell, Eliza has. Left 'ere in a taxi all by 'erself, and ain't been 'ome for three days. And then Oi gets a message from 'er this morning: she wants 'er things sent over to 27-A Wimpole Street, care of Professor 'airball 'iggins! And wot things does she want? 'Er birdcaige an' er Choinese fan! But, she says, never moind about sendin' any claothes!

Gus: I knaowed she 'ad a career in front of 'er! Mungo'arry, boy, we're in for a booze-up.

Tugger: Uh-oh. Drunken cats AGAIN? We're all gonna have to twelve-step it at this rate!

Cassandra: You should talk, Rum Tum Drunkard.

Tugger: Don't even try it. You drank me out of martinis at the last Jellicle Ball!

Cass: So Siamese cats like martinis. Big deal.

Tugger: It isn't...except you also threw up on me!

Matt: Shhh, Gus is going to sing "With A Little Bit O' Luck" again! I LOVE THIS SONG!

Gus: (sings) A tom was maide to 'elp support 'is kittens

Which is the roight an' proper thing to do.

A tom was maide to 'elp support 'is kittens, BUT

With a little bit o' luck, with a little bit o' luck

They'll go out an' start supportin' YOU!

All: With a little bit

With a little bit

With a little bit o' luck

They'll work for you!

Pounce and Mungo: 'E doesn't 'ave a tuppence in 'is pocket,

The poorest bloke you'll ever 'ope to meet

'E doesn't 'ave a tuppence in 'is pocket BUT

With a little bit o' luck, with a little bit o' luck

'E'll be movin' up to Easy Street...

Matt: Tugger, sing "Easy Street" from "Annie" and I'll use you for a rug.

Tugger: *gulp*

Julie: Wow, way to combat cute showtunes!

All: (sing) With a little bit

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck 'e's movin' up.

With a little bit, with a little bit, with a little bit o' bloomin' luck!

(We go back to Higgins' study...where Higgins and Deutering have tried EXTREMELY hard not to dance to the "With A Little Bit O' Luck" reprise. Mrs. Griz is holding Higgins' mail, and also has a lecture for him as well!)

Griz: Mr. Higgins, you somply cannot go on working that queen this way. Making her say her alphabet over and over, from sunup to sundown...even during meals...when will it stop?

Munku: When she does it properly, of course. Is that all, Mrs. Griz?

Griz: No, sir. The mail.

Munku: Pay the bills and say no to the invitations.

Griz: There's another letter from that American millionaire, Ezra D. Meowlingford. He still wants you to lecture for his Moral Reform League.

Munku: Throw it away.

Griz: It's the third letter he's written you, sir. You should at least answer it.

Munku: Oh, all right. Leave it on the desk, I'll get to it.

(Higgins' butler approaches and tells him Gusfred Doorumple is here to see him. In a very amusing exchange which would take up a lot of HTML space if I so much as tried to copy the whole thing...Gusfred thinks Higgins is his daughter's new lover. He then hits Higgins up for some cash, saying his needs are as important as those of the widows'...and he gets five pounds from Higgins out of the deal. Higgins, amused, tells Mrs. Griz to write Ezra D. Meowlingford, and says to get in touch with Gusfred for lectures. A common dust tom, but one of the most original moralists in England. Eliza re-enters...)

Rumple: 'Ere, wot did 'e come for?

Munku: Say your vowels.

Rumple: Oi knaow me vowels. Oi knew them before Oi came!

Munku: If you know them, say them.

Rumple: Ahyee, E, Iyee, Ow, You!

Munku: STOP!

Backstage Cats: No argument here!

Munku: Say: A, E, I, O, U.

Rumple: That's wot Oi said: Ahyee, E, Iyee, Ow, You! I've been syin' em for three days, an' Oi waon't sy 'em no more!

Old D: I know it's difficult, Miss Doorumple. But try to understand...

Munku: No use explaining, Deutering. As a military man, you ought to know that. Drilling is what she needs. Much better leave her or she'll be turning to you for sympathy.

Old D: All right, if you insist, but have a little patience with her, Higgins.

Munku: Of course. (focuses back on Eliza) Say "A".

Rumple: Ya ain't got no 'eart, you ain't.

Munku: "A".

Rumple: Ahyee!

(Higgins walks up the stairs, repeating the letter "A", Eliza echoing with "Ahyee". Tired of this, Hairball Higgins has no choice...)

Munku: Eliza, I promise you you will pronounce your vowels correctly before this day is out, or there'll be no lunch, no dinner, and no chocolates! (he slams the door)

Electra: Boy, is he strict!

Vicky: You can say that again!

Electra: Boy, is he strict!

Vicky: I didn't mean it literally!

(Well, Eliza's good and frustrated. So what does she do? She SINGS!)

Rumple: (sings) Just you waiyt, 'airball 'iggins, just you waiyt,

You'll be sorry but your tears'll be too layte...

You'll be braoke an' I'll 'ave money

Will I 'elp ya? DAON'T BE FUNNY!

Just you waiyt, 'airball 'iggins, just you waiyt!

(You sort of get the idea of where she's going with this, right? For time's sake, let's just say she has a happy little fantasy of meeting the King of England and wins him over, so he repays her by shooting Higgins...)

Alonzo: I'm starting to wish that's how the play ended, so we'd be out of here already.

(...but, reality kicks in, and she resumes her studies...)

Rumple: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline.

Munku: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Cet: Wow, try saying THAT five times fast!

(Back on stage...)

Rumple: Didn't Oi sy that?

Munku: No, Eliza, you didn't "sy" that, you didn't even "say" that! (as he is talking, he takes a small burner and puts it on the desk) Every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers, I want you to repeat "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain", fifty times. You will get much further with the Everlasting Cat if you learn not to offend His ears. Now for your "H's". Deutering, this is going to be ghastly.

Old D: Control yourself, Higgins. Give the queen a chance.

Munku: Of course. No one expects her to get it right the first time. Watch closely, Eliza. (he lights the burner up) You see this flame? Every time you say your "H" properly, the flame will waver. Every time you drop your "H", the flame will remain stationery.

Pounce: And every time we go by the script, the readers will get bored. Every time we improvise, the readers will remain at the computer.

Munku: *glares at Pouncival, then gets back into character* That's how you will know you've done it correctly, in time your ear will hear the difference. Now, listen carefully: in Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.

Cet: Wow, Munkustrap's really good with those tongue twisters!

Lec: He has to be. Otherwise he'd never get through "The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles" each Jellicle Ball...not without making a fool out of himself anyway.

(Back on stage...Eliza tries to mimic Higgins' perfect English...)

Rumple: In 'ertford, 'ereford and 'ampshire, 'urricanes 'ardly hever 'appen!

Munku: No, no, no, no! Have you no ear at all?

Gus: ...BECAUSE IT WAS THE SIAMESE WHO MAULED HIS MISSING EAR!

Matt: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG!

(Undaunted, our kitty thespians continue on stage...)

Rumple: Should I do it over?

Munku: No. Please, no! We must start from the very beginning. (he goes in front of the flame) Do this: ha, ha, ha, ha.

Rumple: Ha, ha, ha, ha! (she looks up at him and smiles)

Munku: Well, go on. Go on. (And she does, while Higgins and Deutering go into a long dialogue about dropping letters and using them where they shouldn't be. While deep in thought over this...Deutering notices that Eliza is losing oxygen...)

Munku: Go on! Go on! (He goes upstairs, and Eliza yells "HA!" and blows the flame out.)

(After the servants sing a brief interlude--which I'll skip--we see some more phonetic training. Deutering is in a chair, Eliza is on a sofa, and Higgins is near a xylophone. He taps out eight notes: "How kind of you to let me come".)

Munku: KIND of you, KIND of you, KIND of you. Now listen, Eliza...(he plays the notes again...) How KIND of you to let me come.

Rumple: How kind of YOU to let me come.

Munku: (strolls over to the tea table) No! KIND of you. It's just like "CUP of tea". KIND of you-CUP of tea...

(Well, needless to say, it becomes an impromptu tea time. Higgins and Deutering make poor Eliza suffer by drinking their tea and eating their cake right in front of her. With a piece of strawberry tart left, they decide to not let it go to waste...so they feed it to Higgins' bird...but there's no bird...)

Pounce: *burp* Sorry. We are cats, you know.

Rumple (on stage) and Matt (in his director's chair pulling his fur out)(simultaneously): Aaaaaaaaoooooowwwwwwwww!

(So another exercise...this time, Higgins stuffs Eliza's mouth with marbles and makes her recite poetry...which comes out very garbled, naturally, with six marbles in your mouth...)

Alonzo: Well, at least with that kind of speech she could sing in a grunge rock band...

(...and she swallows one.)

Munku: Oh, don't worry, I have plenty more. Open your mouth.

(Another blackout, and this time the servants--whatever backstage cats we could coax into wearing servant costumes-- come back out)

Cats: (sing) Quit, Professor Higgins!

Quit, Professor Higgins!

Hear our plea or payday we will quit, Professor Higgins!

"A" not "Ayee", "O" not "Ow"

Pounding, pounding, in our brain

"A" not "Ayee", "O" not "Ow"

Don't say "Rine", say "Rain"...

(Another blackout, and we're back in the study. Everybody is extremely worn out...)

Tugger: You can say that again, and the first act isn't even over!

(...Higgins has an icepack on his head, Deutering is half-asleep on a chair, and Eliza is slouched across the sofa... it's almost three o'clock in the morning...)

Matt: At least they know what I have to go through when I type these things.

(...but Higgins is still undaunted...)

Munku: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Rumple: Oi can't. Oi'm so tired, Oi'm so tired...

Old D: Oh, for Heavyside's sake, Higgins, it must be three o'clock in the morning. Do be reasonable!

Munku: I am always reasonable. Eliza, if I can go on with a blistering headache, you can.

Rumple: Oi 'ave a 'eadache too!

Munku: Here. (he plops an ice-bag on her head and begins to cry. Meanwhile, backstage...)

Julie: Small problem here. How do we get Rumpleteazer to speak perfect English from now until the end of the play? The scene where she finally speaks impeccable English happens in, oh, about five minutes.

Matt: Oh man! I knew I forgot something. Mistoffelees, a word please?

Misto: You don't have to say a thing. I think I know what it is you want.

Matt: Misto, you are a blessing from the Heavyside.

(Misto waves his hand, and a turkey sandwich appears.)

Matt: Misto, that's not exactly what I wanted. ALthough I am a bit hungry...(takes a bite into the turkey sandwich)...I wanted Rumpleteazer to speak perfect English for the remainder of the play!

Misto: OH! OK! (he stares at Rumpleteazer from the wings, and mumbles some magic words which, if I told you what they were, wouldn't be magic anymore, plus, I can't think of some good magic words at this point. Rumple doesn't notice it until...)

Rumple: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Munku: What was that?

Mungo: Oh dear. PLEASE chainge 'er back, Mistoffelees!

Misto: At the end of the play, I will.

Rumple: (now a bit shocked that she's now speaking impeccable English on stage and for real) The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Munku: (in disbelief) Again.

Skimble: How DID he do that?

Tugger: (sings)

And we all say "Oh, well I never, was there ever

A cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!"

Backstage Cats: (join in)

Oh, well I never, was there ever

A cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Matt: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG! Although you guys do have a point...thanks a bunch for saving the show's credibility, Mistoffelees!

Misto: Eat your heart out, David Copperfield!

Rumple: Can we continue with the big "heroine has overcome her first obstacle" scene please?

(back into character)

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Munku: I think she's got it! I think she's got it!

Rumple: (sings) The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

Munku: By George, she's got it! By George she's got it!

Now once again, where does it rain?

Rumple: On the plain! On the plain!

Munku: And where's that soggy plain?

Rumple: In Spain! In Spain!

(Now Deutering joins the celebration...)

Munku, Rumple, and Old D: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

Munku: Bravo!

Munku, Rumple, and Old D: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

(Higgins goes to the xylophone...)

Munku: In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire...

Rumple: Hurricanes hardly happen!

(Higgins taps out "How kind of you to let me come")

Rumple: How KIND of you to let me come!

Munku: Now once again, where does it rain?

Rumple: On the plain, on the plain!

Munku: And where's that blasted plain?

Rumple: In Spain! In Spain!

Munku, Rumple, and Old D: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

(Higgins and Deutering high-five...a bit uncharacteristic, but I'll let it slide this time, since it's the two leaders of the Jellicle tribe. Anyway, Higgins does the tango with Eliza, and Deutering jumps around like a flamenco dancer. The three "heel-click" on their hind claws, and then Higgins takes a handkerchief and waves it in front of Deutering...who charges like a bull. However, Old Deuteronomy gets too into character here...and charges headfirst directly into Munkustrap's midsection...and that's the end of that.)

Munku: OOOF!

Backstage Cats: OLE!

(Mrs. Griz and two other servants--Victoria and Demeter in this case--enter. The noise woke up...plus Demeter wanted to make sure Munkustrap was OK...)

Munku: Deutering, we're making fine progess. I think the time has come to try her out.

Griz: Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins?

Munku: Quite well, Mrs. Griz. And you?

Griz: Very well, sir. Thank you.

Munku: Splendid. (resumes his conversation with Deutering) Let's test her in public and see how she fares.

Griz: Mr. Higgins, I was awakened by a dreadful pounding. Do you know what it might have been?

Munku: Pounding? I heard no pounding. Did you, Deutering?

Old D: (innocently) No.

Munku: If this continues, Mrs. Griz, I should see a veterinarian. Deutering, I know! Let's take her to the races!

Old D: THE RACES?!

Munku: Yes! My mother's box at Ascot!

Old D: You'll consult your mother first, of course.

Munku: Of course...NO! We'll surprise her. Let's go straight to bed. First thing in the morning we'll go off and buy her a dress. Eliza, go on with your work.

Griz: (overacting this line) But Mr. Higgins, it's early in the morning!

Munku: What better time to work than early in the morning? (to Deutering) Where does one buy a queen's gown?

Old D: Whiteley's, of course.

Munku: How do YOU know that?

Tumble: I was thinking the same thing!

Old D: *glares at Tumblebrutus for his smart crack and goes back into character* Common knowledge.

Munku: We mustn't get her anything too flowery. I despise those gowns with a sort of weed here and a weed there. Something simple, modest and elegant is what's called for. Perhaps with a sash. (he studies Deutering and imagines the sash on Deutering's hip). Yes. Just right.

Old D: *out of character* Stuff me in a dress and you're dead meat, buddy.

Matt: WHERE IS THAT LAST LINE IN THE SCRIPT?! Oy Veeeyyyyy...

(Well, Eliza and the servants are all that are left...so the servants tell Eliza to get some sleep...so what does Eliza do? Sing!)

Rumple: Bed! Bed! I couldn't go to bed!

My head's too light to try to set it down!

Sleep! Sleep! I couldn't sleep tonight!

Not for all the jewels in the crown!

I could have danced all night!

I could have danced all night!

And still have begged for more.

I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I've never done before.

I'll never know

What made it so exciting.

Why all at once, my heart took flight!

I only knew when he began to dance with me

I could have danced, danced, danced all night!

Julie: Uh, Matt, is this the song where Rumpleteazer has to hit a really high note at the end?

Matt: Oh boy, I forgot all about that...

(In the interest of time...we'll just cut to the end...)

Griz: I understand, dear

It's all been grand, dear.

But now it's time to sleep...

Rumple: I could have danced all night!

I could have danced all night!

And still have begged for more...

Backstage Toms: NO MORE! PLEASE!

Rumple: I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I've never done before.

I'll never know what made it so exciting.

Why all at once my heart took flight...

I only know when he

Began to dance with me

I could have danced, danced, danced...

Matt: Uh-oh. Here it comes...

Misto: HIT THE DECK!

(the other cats run for cover...)

Rumple: AAAAAAAAAALLLL NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!

(and on that last high note, she breaks Bustopher Jones' monocle, the water glass Victoria is drinking out of, a window, and sets off a car alarm. A human voice is heard in a building near the junkyard..."SHUT THAT *bleep*ING CAT UP!!")

(Mistoffelees just assesses the damage, buries his head in his paws, and waves his paw. Everything that was broken returns to normal.)

Rumple: Could Audrey Hepburn do THAT?!

Veroni: Not that per se, but I think that if we don't call a break you'll be doggie food within moments.

Cats: Why?

Veroni: Dogs and high pitched noises? Think about it.

All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLPPPP!!!!!