VERONI: I don't think I'll ever get used to her sounding that way...

(When we last left off, Eliza Doorumple was finally able to speak impeccable English...)

MISTO: Thank me later, Matt.

(...and was ready to be taken out in public for the first time with her "new image". So Prof. Hairball Higgins and Col. Deutering decided to take her to Ascot, where Higgins' mother had her private box. Let us now go to the box at Ascot...where Col. Deutering is speaking with Mrs. Higgins...)

JENNY: I tell you, this is typecasting! I mean, how many spry old biddies can I play anyway?

MATT: Jeez, you're worse than Macavity!

JENNY: Let's get this over with...*goes into character*

Col. Deutering, I don't understand. Do you mean that my son is coming to Ascot today?

OLD D: Yes, he is, Mrs. Higgins. As a matter of fact, he's here!

JENNY: What a disagreeable surprise. Ascot is the one place I can come to with my friends and not run the risk of seeing my son, Hairball. Whenever my friends meet him, I never see them again.

OLD D: He had to come, Mrs. Higgins. You see, he's taking the queen to the annual Embassy Ball, and he wanted to try her out first...

JENNY: I BEG YOUR PARDON?

OLD D: You know, the annual Embassy Ball.

JENNY: Yes, I know the Ball, but what queen?

OLD D: Oh, didn't I mention that?

JENNY: No, you did not.

OLD D: Well, it's quite simple, really. One night I went to the opera at Covent Garden to hear one of my favorite operas, "Aida", and as I was coming out incidentally, they didn't do "Aida" that night. No, they did "Gotterdammerung" instead. I'd never heard "Gotterdammerung". By George, that's a rackety one. When the tenor cat...

BACKSTAGE CATS: (snoring)

JENNY: What about the queen, Colonel?

TUMBLE: Huh...wha...thanks for snapping us out of that, Jenny!

OLD D: Ah yes, as I was coming out, I met your son, Hairball, who in turn, met Miss Doorumple, who now lives with Hairball.

JENNY: Lives with Hairball? Is it a love affair?

MUNGO: I sure hope not!

OLD D: Heavens no! She's a flower queen. He picked her up off the curbstone.

JENNY: A FLOWER QUEEN?

OLD D: Yes. Higgins said to me, "Deutering, you see this queen? In six months I could make a duchess of her." I said "Nonsense". He came right back with "Yes I can." "All right," I said, "I'll make a bet with you you can't." And I did. And he is.

BACKSTAGE CATS: (have fallen asleep yet again. Old D takes a paper bag, blows it full of air, and pops it.)

MATT: Thanks, Old Deuteronomy. They need to get ready for the next scene.

POUNCE: Thanks for reminding us. We owe you. *glares at Old D*

(But there's still a scene going on here...)

JENNY: But Colonel, I still don't understand.

(A bell is heard ringing. Carbles, Mrs. Higgins' chauffeur, approaches her.)

CARB: The horses are leaving the paddock, Mrs. Higgins.

OLD D: Excuse me, Mrs. Higgins, I must fetch her.

JENNY: But Colonel, am I to understand that Hairball is bringing a flower queen to Ascot?

OLD D: Yes, Mrs. Higgins! That's it, that's it precisely! Jolly good, Mrs. Higgins, jolly good!

JENNY: Carbles, you'd better stay close to the car. I may be leaving abruptly!

(And so, we begin the next scene...it's inside a tent at Ascot, with well-dressed ladies and gentlemen getting ready to watch the horse races. Unlike modern horse races, there are no wags here who bet their life savings on horses, and so those who ARE here show no emotion...except VICTORIA?!)

VICKY: I don't wanna sing this song!

POUNCE: Relax, Victoria, it goes by reeeeeal quick.

VICKY: That's what they say when I go for my brushing...AND I HATE THAT TOO!

ALL: Every duke and earl and peer is here

Everyone who should be here is here

What a smashing, positively dashing spectacle, the Ascot opening day.

At the gate are all the horses waiting for the cue to fly away...

(Victoria is seen trying to run away.)

MATT: NOT YOU, Victoria, the horses!

VICKY: Darn. Almost got away. Where's Macavity when I need him?

ALL: What a gripping, absolutely ripping moment at the Ascot opening day.

Pulses rushing, faces flushing, heartbeats speed up, I have never been so keyed up!

BUSTOPHER: I have, after the "All-You-Can-Eat" night at the Senior Educational...

JULIE: Hel-LO! Too much infor-MATION!

BUSTOPHER: That cat box didn't see me coming...

JEMI: Ewwwwwww!

MATT: May we finish up the song?

BUSTOPHER: Sorry.

ALL: Any second now, they'll begin to run,

Hark, a bell is ringing, they are springing forward, look!

It has begun!

(the cats stare into the audience as we hear...cars racing?)

MISTO (from the tech booth): Sorry, wrong track.

(Well, Mistoffelees got the right track...NOW it's the horses running!)

ALL: What a frenzied moment that was!

Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace?

'Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling running of the Ascot opening race.

(The song ends, and most of the cats stroll off. Mrs. Higgins enters from one side, and a very underdressed--for that time period, anyway--Hairball Higgins enters from another way.)

MUNKU: I don't know where the devil they could be...Oh, darling, have you seen Deutering? My, you do look nice! (kisses her)

JENNY: I saw Col. Deutering, and Hairball, dear, I'm most provoked. I've heard you've brought a common flower queen from Covent Garden to my box at Ascot.

MUNKU: Oh, darling, she'll be all right. I've taught her to speak properly, and she has strict orders as to her behavior. She's to keep to two subjects: the weather, and everybody's health--sort of "fine day" and "how do you do", and not just let herself go on things in general. Help her along, darling, and you'll be quite safe.

JENNY: Safe? To talk about our health in the middle of the race? *breaks character* All right, who writes this stuff? Eliza Doolittle is a creation of egocentric males who just want women to be their trophies.....

JULIE: Wow, Matt, she's carving Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe new rear ends!

MATT: It's a good thing they're not alive to hear this tirade! Uh, Jenny, could you get back in character, PLEASE? Before the descendants of Lerner and Loewe come down upon us?

JENNY: Sorry, had to let it out. (gets back into character)

MUNKU: (back into character as well) Well, she's got to talk about something.

JENNY: Hairball, you're not even dressed properly.

MUNKU: I changed my shirt...

JENNY: Where is the girl now?

MUNKU: Being pinned. Some of the clothes we bought for her didn't quite fit. I told Deutering we should have taken her with us.

TANTI: (pinning the clothes) Who did you take, Bustopher Jones?!

BUSTOPHER: YOUNG LADY! I beg your pardon!

(Back on stage...)

JENNY: You're a pretty pair of kittens, playing with your live cat toy.

(At this, Mrs. Tugsford-Hill, Freddy Tugsford-Hill, and Lord and Lady Catboxington...the last two played by Bustopher Jones and Cassandra--stroll on.)

JENNY: Ah, Mrs. Tugsford-Hill!

MUNKU: Oh darn, are all these cats with you?

JELLY: Mrs. Higgins, is this your celebrated son?

JENNY: I'm sorry to say my celebrated son has no manners. He may be the life and soul of the Royal Society soirees, but he's rather trying on more commonplace occasions.

JEMI: And that means?

ALONZO: Basically, he's a pompous, arrogant, son of a...

MATT: OK, Alonzo, I think we got the point.

(Deutering then enters, followed by Eliza, who is now VERY well-dressed. She looks cultured, refined, gorgeous...and very un-Cockney...)

MUNGO: It ain't me beloved Rumpleteazer no more! *sniff*

MISTO: Hey pal, I said I'd change her back after the play.

MUNGO: You better, mate!

MUNKU: Ah!

JENNY: Ah, Colonel Deutering, you're just in time for tea.

OLD D: Thank you. Mrs. Higgins, may I introduce Miss Eliza Doorumple.

JENNY: My dear Miss Doorumple.

RUMPLE: (still speaking in perfect English) How kind of you to let me come.

JENNY: Delighted, my dear. Mrs. Tugsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle.

JELLY: How do you do?

RUMPLE: How do you do?

(Well, to make an already long story short, Eliza is introduced to the entire party, including an instantly smitten Freddy Tugsford-Hill...and they all sit down to tea...)

TUGGER: The first race was very exciting, Miss Dorrumple. I'm so sorry you missed it.

JENNY: Will it rain, do you think?

RUMPLE: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

TUMBLE: AUGH! No! No! Not that song again! The more you sing it, the more it becomes etched in my subconsciousness!

POUNCE: And the award for "Best Melodramatic Performance by a Backstage Cat over a Cheesy Song" goes to--Tumblebrutus!

TUMBLE: Wise guy.

RUMPLE: But in Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.

TUGGER: Ha ha, how awfully funny!

RUMPLE: What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right.

TUGGER: Smashing!

JELLY: I do hope we won't have any unseasonably cold spells. It brings on so much influenza, and our whole family is susceptible to it.

RUMPLE: My aunt died of influenza, so they said. But it's my belief they done the old woman in.

(Higgins and Deutering look at each other...a "Did YOU teach her that?" look.)

JENNY: "Done her in"?

RUMPLE: Yes, Lord love you. Why should she die of influenza when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it, she was. They all thought she was dead, but my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat...then she came to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon.

(Well, after more talk like this, an embarrassed Deutering wants to bail out, but Higgins saves face by saying it's the new small talk Eliza's speaking. So anyway, the next race starts, and Freddy has a bet on a horse named Dover, and he gives his race ticked to Eliza. The race starts again...and Eliza, unaware of how to act, starts cheering her horse on...)

RUMPLE: Come on, come on, Dover...come on, come on, Dover...COME ON DOVER! MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN' ARSE!!!!!

(And with that, the ladies all faint, and Deutering takes off like a supersonic jet, quite a feat, considering the cat playing him is fairly old in cat years...so you can imagine how old he is in human years. Higgins just laughs his head off.)

POUNCE: ...and horse race fans have been obnoxious ever since!

(Later that day, Freddy Tugsford-Hill heads out to Wimpole Street. He asks a police cat walking along where Higgins' house is. After being told, he buys some flowers from a flower girl to give to his new crush, Eliza. So what does a tom in love do? He sings, of course...)

TUGGER: There is NO WAY I am singing this song. It is the corniest thing I've ever heard!

JULIE: Step aside, Matt, I'll handle this one. (sweetly) If you don't sing the song, Tugger...I know a certain kitty who's getting fixed soon!

TUGGER: *gulp* You're...you're a cat too! You wouldn't dare!

JULIE: Who knows? I'm sure I can learn how to do it...

TUGGER: All right, all right, I'll sing the song...

(sings)

(he knocks on Higgins' door and sings)

When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon,

She completely done me in.

And my heart went on a journey to the moon

When she told about her father and the gin.

And I never saw a more enchanting farce

Than that moment when she shouted "move your bloomin'..."

(Mrs. Griz opens the door at that minute, saving us from blowing a PG rating any further.)

GRIZ: Yes, sir?

TUGGER: Is Miss Doorumple at home?

GRIZ: Who should I say is calling?

TUGGER: Freddy Tugsford-Hill. If she doesn't remember me, tell her I'm the chap who was sniggering at her.

GRIZ: Yes, sir.

TUGGER: And would you give her these? (hands her the flowers)

GRIZ: Yes, sir.

TUGGER: You needn't rush. I want to drink in this street where she lives.

GRIZ: Yes, sir.

DEM: Wow, talk about a bad song cue!

TUGGER: (sings with all his heart and passion, knowing his...er, tomhood is on the line)

I have often walked down this street before,

But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before.

All at once am I several stories high,

Knowing I'm on the street where you live.

Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?

Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?

Does enchantment pour out of every door?

No, it's just on the street where you live!

And oh, the towering feeling

Just to know somehow you are near!

The overpowering feeling

That any second you may suddenly appear!

People stop and stare, they don't bother me.

For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.

Let the time go by, I won't care if I

Can be here on the street where you live! (Mrs. Griz opens the door again.)

GRIZ: Mr. Tugsford-Hill?

TUGGER: Yes?

GRIZ: I'm terribly sorry, sir. Miss Doorumple says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again.

TUGGER: But why? She was magnificent!

GRIZ: MAGNIFICENT?! Do you have the right address, sir?

TUGGER: Of course. Tell her I'll wait.

GRIZ: But it might be days, sir. Even weeks!

TUGGER: But don't you see? I'll be happier here!

(A completely weirded-out Mrs. Griz shuts the door and goes back inside.)

TUGGER: (sings again)

People stop and stare, they don't bother me.

For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.

Let the time go by, I won't care if I

Can be here on the street where you live!

(He settles down on the doorstep and waits for Eliza to come out.)

JENNY: You know, there are laws against stalking, Tugger.

TUGGER: You think I'd really do this? I just sang the song like this so I wouldn't get neutered. Usually the queens come to me!

LEC: With a voice like that, could you blame us?

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

(The time changes to six weeks later. Higgins and Deutering are pacing around, and they are in their tuxedos. It is the night of the Embassy Ball.)

OLD D: Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight, if Miss Doorumple suffers any embarrassment whatever, it's on your head alone. I've been begging you to call off this experiment ever since Ascot.

MUNKU: Eliza can do anything.

OLD D: But suppose she's discovered? Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake?

MUNKU: There'll be no horses at the ball, Deutering.

(This conversation continues in this manner, until Eliza heads down the stairs in a beautiful ballroom gown. Higgins takes her hand, and the three head to the car.)

MATT: OK Misto, you can come out of the tech booth. You're on!

(Misto slips into his tuxedo. But he does have one other problem...)

MISTO: This false moustache makes me itch!

MATT: For crying out loud, Misto, it's only for one scene!

JULIE: Besides, it could be worse. We could have you do an encore performance of Mistoli Hakim.

MISTO: OK, OK, I'll wear the darn thing! *begins scratching his face*

(We are FINALLY at the Embassy ball. A cat is on the landing, announcing all the guests as they enter.)

PLATO: Professor Mistoltan Karpathy.

(Mistoltan Karpathy enters. He is wearing a false moustache, and a jacket covered in medals. He's Hungarian, and his mane is pasted down in oil. He also scratches his face, as his false moustache is making him itch.)

PLATO: Colonel Hugh Deutering.

(Deutering walks in. He sees Mrs. Higgins, and they meet up.)

OLD D: Mrs. Higgins!

JENNY: (who had been talking to some other cats) Excuse me.

OLD D: Well, she got by the first hurdle. The Ambassador's wife was completely captivated!

JENNY: I know. I've heard several people asking who she is. Do tell me what happened!

TUMBLE: Please, no! Old D turns a five minute line into a five hour lecture!

OLD D: That cat needs a good kick in the tail! *gets back into character* Higgins said "Madame Ambassador, may I introduce Miss Eliza Doorumple?" and Madame Ambassador said "How do you do?", and Eliza came right back with "How do you do?".

JENNY: Is that all?

OLD D: Oh, no! When it was my turn, both the Ambassador and his wife said to me, "Colonel Deutering, who is that captivating cat with Professor Higgins?"

JENNY: What did you say?

OLD D: Well, I was stopped for a moment. Then I collected myself and I said "Eliza Doorumple".

JENNY: That was very quick thinking, Colonel.

OLD D: Thank you. Mrs. Higgins, do you think Eliza will make it?

JENNY: Oh, I hope so! I've grown terribly fond of that queen.

PLATO: Professor Hairball Higgins.

(When Higgins enters, Karpathy turns and grabs Higgins in a big hug...well, more like jumps on his shoulders...)

MUNKU: Oof! Misto, get off me!

MISTO: Sorry. I got a bit carried away. *gets into character* Ah, maestro! Maestro! (kisses Higgins on both cheeks...and his moustache promptly falls off.)

MISTO: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT! *back into character* You remember me?

MUNKU: No I don't. Who the devil are you?

MISTO: I am your pupil, your first, best, and greatest pupil! I am Mistoltan Karpathy, that marvelous tom...

TUGGER: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the marvelous, the magical, Mr. Mistoffelees...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW!

MISTO: I have made your name famoud throughout Europe! You teach me phonetics! You cannot forget me?

MUNKU: Why don't you shave?

MISTO: I have not your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow. Nobody notice me when I shave. *under his breath* But since my false moustache already fell off, this last line now makes no sense.

MUNKU: (notices the medals on Mistoltan's jacket) Where did you find all those old coins?

MISTO: Decorations for language. The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening...

MAC: (shows up in his Frank N. Furter costume from "Rocky Tugger") *sings* I'm just a sweet transvestite...from transsexual Transylvania...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! WRONG COSTUME! That must have been one heck of a concussion!

MISTO: (trying hard not to laugh at this interruption) I am indespensable to her at these international parties. I speak thirty-two languages. I know everybody in Europe. No imposter escape my detection. And now, Professor, you must introduce me to this glorious kitten you escort this evening. She fascinate everyone...

PLATO: His excellency, Dr. Admetus Stephanos.

(Admetus and his lady, Demeter, head down the stairs.)

MISTO: (motions to Admetus) This so-called Greek diplomat pretends he cannot speak English. But he does not deceive me. He is the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker. He speaks English so villainously that he dare not utter a word of it without betraying his origin. I help him to pretend, but I make him pay through the nose. I make them all pay. I look forward to meeting your queen. (takes off, not knowing that Deutering has heard the conversation...)

OLD D: Higgins, I say!

JENNY: Where's Eliza?

MUNKU: Upstairs. Last minute adjustment.

OLD D: I say, Higgins, let's not risk it. Let's collect her and leave immediately.

JENNY: Hairball, do you think it wise to stay?

MUNKU: Stay? Why not?

PLATO: Miss Eliza Doorumple.

(Eliza heads down the stairs. Everyone turns and stares. Mistoltan Karpathy comes forward again.)

MISTO: Ah, Professor, you must introduce me...(he is interrupted, as a regal march begins...)

MATT: Wait a minute, this is supposed to be Transylvanian royalty entering, not Macavity dressed up in his "Rocky Tugger" costume!

MAC: (sings) How'd you do, I

see you've met my

faithful handyman.

He's just a bit strung out...

MATT: Oh for the Everlasting Cat's sakes! Get him out of that Frank N. Furter costume before he ruins the play any further! Alonzo, ARE YOU SATISFIED?! You just HAD to hit him with that brick during "Oklahomeow!", didn't you?

ALONZO: Well excuuuuse me!

(So anyway, the Transylvanian royal family enters--the queen is played by Victoria--and they notice Eliza...)

VICKY: Charming. Charming.

(The royal family leads the guests to the ballroom. The waltz begins. Mistoltan Karpathy approaches Higgins for his long-awaited introduction to Eliza. Higgins just bows and dances off with Eliza. Karpathy walks off, trying to get closer to Eliza. Everyone changes partners and Eliza dances with Deutering. When partners change again, Mistoltan was just close enough to be Eliza's next partner, and starts to engage her in conversation. Deutering and Higgins stand by and watch, to see what happens...)

END OF ACT 1

POUNCE: OK, game's up, she's found out, end of play, let's eat!

MATT: Not necessarily, Pouncival. We still have to do Act 2.