Furball on the Roof

Munku: (to the others) I tried.

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PROLOGUE

Daybreak in the small Jewish village of Catatevka. All is still until we suddenly spot a small kitten climb up on top of the roof and pull a small instrument from her violin case. She starts to play a sweet tune.....

Vicky: (plays the opening tune on her melodic instrument--- A Kazoo).

Misto: (screams) NO! This is just too much insanity!!!

Vicky: (stops playing and glares at Misto) AHEM!!!!

The town milkcat approaches to address the audience. His name is Reb Munkevye.

Munku: A furball on the roof-- Sounds crazy no? But here in our little village of Catatevka every one of us is a furball on the roof--- Well, not really because we have better things to do with our lives than just sit on a roof and blow into a kaz--

Veroni: The script?? Where on earth does it say that in the script? I thought we were past this adolescent thing of revising the script as we go along!

Munku: I know you are, but what am I?!

Veroni: Just keep going, please....

Munku: (skipping ahead in the song) And why do we do this for the author? That I can tell you in one word---- SUBMISSION!!!

Background Cats: (who slid in unnoticed wearing shawls and aprons and babuskas, or hats if they happen to be males).

SUBMISSION! SUBMISSION!

SUBMISSION! SUBMISSION!

Munku: Because of our submission, every one of us knows, (sort of) who he is and what the author expects him to do, (even if we don't want to)!

The Papas: (there are only nine of them since we are so short on cast here!)
Who, day and night must scratch around for a living,

Feed a queen and kittens, say his daily prayers....

The Momma's: (who cut in unannouced--one can only assume it is to speed things up. There are 6 of them due to a short supply of queens old enough to be passed off as moms)
Who must know the way to keep the Junkyard clean?

A quiet junkyard, a kosher junkyard?

Jenny: How can a junkyard be Kosher?

The Sons: (who have taken after momma and cut in as well. There are 7 sons due to "yadda yadda yadda")

Skimble: (to mommas) See what you've started?

Tugger: Can we sing here?

Jemi: (covers a laugh) YOU'RE a son?

Tugger: Aw, be quiet!!!!

The Sons:
At three I started Jellicle school,

At ten I learned a trade....

The Daughters: (there are only 6 of them as well...)
And who does momma teach,

To mend and tend and fix?

Preparing me to marry whoever poppa picks?

Jemi: Man! Can you say "girls with no lives?"

Munku: (who has taken this break in the action to further accelerate the song) And in our little village, we've always had our special types--- but so I don't bore you I'll just say their names and they can step foreward.

Veroni: (throws her paws in the air in an "I give up!" gesture) Doesn't anyone read the script?

Munku: (keeps going) Jennyenta-- The Matchmaker!

Jenny: (nods head and backs up)

Munku: Reb Pouncum--The Beggar.

Pounce: I'M the beggar?

Munku: And our beloved Gusabbi!!

Gus: (praying--and trying really hard to remember his lines)

May the Everlasting Cat bless and keep the Macavity....

Far away from us!

Munku: And that's about it----

Mac: Hey! What about us??

Munku: Oh right.... (says quickly) Then-there-are-the-russian-folks. (moves on) And in our little village we have always gotten along quite well--- except for the time that he sold him a Peke--- but delivered a pollicle.

Some Villagers:
PEKE!!!!

Other Villagers:
POLLICLE!!!!

First Group:
BARK! BARK!

Second Group:
BARK! BARK!

Munku:
Until you could hear them all over the park!

Veroni: Wrong song! Wrong song! Wrong song! (sighs) Oh well, let's just cut to the chase.....

All:
SUBMISSION! SUBMISSION!

SUBMISSION!

SUBMISSION! SUBMISSION!

SUBMISSION!

Munku: With this submission, our lives will be as shaky as... as... AS A FURBALL ON THE ROOF!!!

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Alonzo: Break time?

Veroni: No way! That was only the prologue! We haven't even started the story yet!!

All Cats: (interjected at various points) No! No way! C'mon Veroni! Be fair!

Veroni: Let's start please? The orchestra's been vamping for quite some time now!

Jelly: We have an orchestra?

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SCENE 1

Our story begins at Munkevye's house where his devoted wife Jelda and his five daughters are preparing for supper.

Cetera: Momma! Jennyenta's coming! She's just down the road!!

Jelly: Thank you Cetza.

Cetera: Cetza?!!

The two youngest daughters-- Cetza and Bielctra run out the door as the Matchmaker enters. Jennyenta makes herself at home and Jelda rushes to prepare a snack for her guest.

Jenny: Jelda? Jelda! I had to see you because I have such news for you! It's such a surpr---

Jelly: Let me guess..... Tuggar Wolf wants to marry my Tzeitalurina and you want me to send Munkuevye to him so that they can arrange the marriage and get drunk in the process. DONE!

Misto: And you will notice that we've already given away part of the plot line.

Veroni: Jelly! At least look like you're somewhat into being in this story!

Since she has nothing to say now that Jelda gave away the surprise.... Jennyenta leaves. Tzeitalurina rushes in with her sisters, Demdel and Rumpava.

Bomb: What did she want, Momma?!

Jelly: (who wishes she were anywhere but here) As if you didn't know!!

Bomb: Huh? Man is she wacked today!

Veroni: Ahem! I don't think little Jewish girls would even consider using the word "wacked".

Bomb: (continues on, ignoring Veroni) Ahh!!! Jennyenta! Jennyenta! Jennyenta!

Demi: Well, someone has to arrange the matches!

Rumple: Aftair all! Yangstars cain't decoide these thoings fur demselves!

Demi & Rumple:
Matchmaker! Matchmaker!

Make me a match!

Find me a find!

Scratch me a scratch.....

The girls start dancing around with their mops and suddenly Rumpava takes a funny step and lands square in the mouth of the Tuba in the orchestra pit. It emits a squalk and that's the end of that....

SCENE 2

Reb Munkevye comes in with his milk cart, complaining about his non-existant horse (well, the audience isn't supposed to know that we don't actually have a horse, but--- OOPS! Anyway....)

Munku:
If I were a rich tom!

Deedle-deedle-deedle-digga-digga-deedle-daydle-dum

All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum!

If I were a wealthy tom! (waits for the Tuba section, and quickly realizes Rumple is stopping up the Tuba hole-- He keeps going.)

I wouldn't have to work hard! Digga-deeda-deeda-digga-digga-deedle-daydle-dum!

If I were a very very rich, Idle-diddle-dieddle-dieddle----

Munku: (points to the other Toms who are rolling around on the ground laughing) They're making fun of me!

Alonzo: hahahahahah!!! It's *heh* not you *HAH!* Munku, it's the lyrics!!!!

Veroni: (sitting with arms crossed in an "I'm waiting" gesture)

Munku: If I were a wealthy Tom!!!!

Something Background: AAAAHHHHHH!!!! (*bang! crash! thwap!*)

Veroni: What was that?

Jemi: (who saw the whole thing) Rumple came loose from the Tuba and was propelled upwards into the ceiling. But as we all now know, whatever comes up must come down, so she fell back towards the orchestra and was smacked into the curtain after an unfortunate encouter with the slide trombone....

Rumple: Medic?

The village toms, (Tumblebrutus, Asparagus, Quaxo, Plato and any other cats backstage who would let us slap a beard on them to pass them off as Fathers) show up to claim their weekly dairy order. They start conversing about who knows what when a young hothead student approaches.

Cori: And vhy you cursing? Vat gut das cursing do?

He's russian.

Cori: (drops the accent) No kidding.

Alonzo: Ehhh, you're not from around here are you?

Cori: Vat vas your first clue Sherlock?

There's a lot of chatter here that we'll skip over.... But to make a long story short, Munkevye has the student come stay at his house to give lessons to his girls in exchange for food.

SCENE 3

The Family has gathered for the Sabbath meal and the eldest daughter Tzeitalurina has brought her boyfriend, Mistotel to the house while Jelda is in her typical bubbly and excitable mood.....

Jelly: WHERE IS THAT TOM!!!!! HE IS IN SOOOOO MUCH TROUBLE!!!!!!

Pounce: (shivers) If that's her good mood......

Munkevye rushes in and introduces Corchick to his daughters. Jelda gives him a look to kill and he quickly moves off to escape the wrath of an angry wife which all married men know is worse than any other punishment concievable by man....

Jelly: Gee, thanks.

She approaches to convince him to go see the butcher.

Jelly: YOU WILL GO SEE THE BUTCHER!!!

Munku: Did I miss something here?

Lec: Nah, Momma's just in her normal cheerful and peppy good mood.

Pounce: Ditto on what I said before.

Munku: (to himself) Probably just wants to buy my new milk cow anyway......

Pounce: Little does he know.....

Veroni: Will you stop interrupting!?

Pounce: (pretends to look hurt) I am terribly sorry, your Highness-of-the-keyboard!! (turns and runs away)

Veroni: Ooooo, you'd better run for it, Pounce!!!

In the meantime we observe a classic case of teenaged angst with a Jewish twist.

Bomb: Mistotel! Jennyenta was here today! If they agree on someone there will be a match and it will be too late for us!

Misto: Don't worry Tzeitalurina! I have everything under control! I have saved nearly enough money to buy a used sewing machine!

Males: Ooooo... You're the big cat on campus now!!

Misto: Very funny. And when I buy it, your father will be impressed with me!

Munku: Impressed with you for what?

Misto: (jumps a little) Good evening Reb Munkevye! I was---- I mean, I---- What I was----

Munku: WELL?? WHAT IS IT??

Misto: Good Sabbath, Reb Munkevye! (runs to the other side of the room)

Bomb: Wimp.

Munku: Children it's late!! Time for prayers!!

They all rush into positions for the prayer. Rumpava slips and almost has another encounter with the orchestra pit, but recovers her balance in the nick of time.

Munku & Jelly:
May the Everlasting Cat protect and defend you!

May he always shield you from shame.

May you come to be in the Heavyside Layer

A shining name

Others:
Oooo, Oooo, Ohhh!!

All:
May the Everlasting Cat bless you and grant you long lives....

The orchestra rushes to keep up with this acceleration of the song.... All:
Oh hear our sabbath prayer!

A-men.

Jemi: Wow! That conductor can really move!

SCENE 4

It's several hours later and Munkevye has come to see the butcher Tugar Wolf at the local pub.

Tugger: Ah, Reb Munkevye! So... I assume you know why I asked you to come here.

Munku: The thought did cross my mind.

Tugger: Heh. Well, I don't see why we should worry about it-- I'm fairly well off and she'll be well taken care of.

Munku: There is no use discussing it!

Tugger: You *do* have a few more without her.

Munku: Today you want one... Tomorrow you may want two!

Tugger: (coughs) S'cuse me? Now what would I do with two?

Munku: The same as you so with one!!

Tugger: We are talking about your daughter, right?

Munku: My daughter? I thought you wanted my new milk cow!

Tugger: (finds this quite funny) I want to marry her Munkevye!

Munku: The cow?

Tugger: No! Your daughter Tzeitalurina!

Munku: My daughter....

The two stare at each other for a moment and Munkevye pulls off to the side. As he does so, everything freezes-- well, almost everything. Pouncival was making funny faces on the left side of the stage and was trying to balance himself upside down on a chair when the cue came to freeze. He tries hard to stay still but is failing miserably...

Munku: I never liked him. You can have a fine conversation with him if you discuss kidneys and livers--- but not everyone has to be a scholar.... And with a butcher, my daughter will surely never kn- (notices Pounce and shakes his head) To put him out of his misery, how about I agree instead of this debating? What do I think? ***crash***

Pounce lost his battle with gravity and lands headfirst into the same Tuba that Rumple lodged herself in earlier.....

Munku: (moving on) It's a match!!! I agree!

Tugger: You have made me the happiest tom in the whole world!!!! Let's get drunk and have major hangovers later in celebration!

Jenny: MALES!!!!

Munku & Tugger:
To Life! To Life!

L'Chaim!

L'Chaim! L'Chaim!

To Life!

Eventually they all get happilly drunk and run around in an odd little dance.

All:
And if our good fortune never comes

Here's to whatever comes!

Drink L'Chaim to life!

The russians run in to join in the Booze-fest. The merriment continues as the half-drunk cats see Pouncival being thrown freely up in the air and landing back in the brass mouth of the tuba when it hits really loud notes.

Russians: (aka- Mungojerrie, Carbucketty, Macavity and The Rumpus Cat)

May you both be favored with the futures of your choice!

May you live to see a dozen reasons to rejoice!

They all do a spinning circle dance, which may not have been the best choice when you're as drunk as a skunk... but who asked me anyway?

All:
Drink L'Chaim!

Munku:
To life!!!

SCENE 5

The next morning the children are taking lessons with Corchick and he is teaching them the true meaning of the bible when the ever cheerful Jelda appears in her chipper mood...

Jelly: One more crack about my mood and you'll be writing this thing from a wheelchair!

Jelly: We have to do papa's work today! Now go do your chores, girls!

Corchick and Demdel are left alone...

Demi: That was a very interesting lesson, Corchick, though I'm not sure that our Gusabbi would agree with *your* interpretation...

Cori: And neither I suppose vould the Gusabbi's son?

Demi: Heh. My little sisters have large tongues....

Cori: And vhat do you know of him, except that he is the Gusabbi's son?

Demi: I *do* know that he doesn't have any strange ideas about turning the world upside down!

Lec: Ooohhh... swipe below the belt!

Cori: You have spirit! Even a little intelligance! Let's dance!!!!

Gus: Ah, young love....How sweet, and yet how peculiar.

They dance and a hangover striken Munkevye walks in to interrupt them....

Munku: (who is so drunk he doesn't even notice that they were dancing) Demdel.... call your sister out here.

Tzeitalurina comes out as Corchick and Demdel exit.

Munku: (squints) Ah, good. Now since I'm so sick I'll make this short and sweet.... you're marrying the butcher Tuggar Wolf.

Bomb: NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!! POPPA!! YOU CAN"T ASK ME TO MARRY HIM!! PL-E-E-E-EASE!!!!!!

Munku: (who now has a worse headache than when he started) We made a bargain!

Bomb: Does that mean more to you then I do, Poppa? (looks to see if her guilt trip is working) Oh, don't force me.

Just then Mistotel rushes in and interrupts them.

Misto: Munkevye! I need to talk to you!

Munku: Not now, Mistotel.

Misto: But I have the perfect match for your daughter!

Munku: Who is it? (no answer) WELL MISTOTEL? WHO IS IT!!!!

Misto: Please don't shout at me.

Munku: Alright, I'm not shouting now.... Who is it?

Misto: It's me.

Munku: YYYOOOUUU!!!??

Misto: (yelps) Uh... yes it's me.

Munku: You're a poor tailor! A nothing!

Misto: Yes, Reb Munkevye. But even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness.

Everything freezes again, the signal that Munkevye is deep in thought....

Munku: Well, I never liked him either! He's a nothing! But he is starting to talk like a man! I---

Pounce: (who has to this point still been in the orchestra pit, now woozilly pulls himself up onto the edge of the stage) Excuse me, folks. (he swerves into a backdrop and falls backstage with the piece of scenery in a heap).

Munku: Oh well. I was gonna make this a big deal but since my concentration's been mashed to bits, FINE!! I agree....(he leaves). Uh-oh.... What am I going to tell Jelda? HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!

Bomb: Oh, Mistotel! You were wonderful!!

Misto: It was a miracle! A MIRACLE!!!!

(starts clapping)

Wonder of wonders!

Miracle of miracles!

The Everlasting Cat took a Daniel once again!

Stood by his side and miracle of miracles!

Led him through the Pollicle's den!

Jenny: That was soooo bad, I don't even know what would be a witty and biting enough comeback...

Misto:
The Everlasting Cat has given you.... to... me!!!!!!!!!!

SCENE 6

Munkevye is laying in bed and wondering how on earth he will tell his wife that their daughter is going to marry a tailor instead of a butcher when a thought comes to him. He screams....

Munku: AAAAHHHHH!!! Mistotel! Tzeitalurina!!

Jelly: Munkevye, wake up! You're having a nightmare! Tell me what happened and I'll tell you what it meant.

Munku: In the begining I dreamt that we were having a celebration of some kind. Everybody we knew was there--- and musicians too! In the middle of the dream, in walks your grandmother, Tanteital (may she rest in peace!). Naturally, I got up to greet her, and then....

Tanti: (dressed in white)
A blessing on your head!

Gus: Mazeltov! Mazeltov!

Tanti:
To see a daughter wed!

Gus: Mazeltov! Mazeltov!

Tanti:
And such a son-in-law like no one ever saw....

The tailor Mistotel Canofoil!

Before they can interrupt, the chorus runs around singing the above and suddenly everything comes to a hault.

All:
LOOK! Who is this? Who is this? Who comes here?

Who? Who? Who? Who?

What queen is this by rightous anger shaken?

Skimble: Could it be?

Alonzo: Sure!

Vicky: Yes it could!

Quaxo: Why not?

Plato: Who could be mistaken?

All:
It's the butcher's wife come from beyond the grave!

It's the butcher's dear darling departed wife!

Fruma Grizza!!!!!!! Fruma Grizza!!!!!!

Griz: (rushes in on a skateboard---since we can't afford suspension wires) MUNKEVYE!!!!!! MUNKEVYE!!!!!

What is this about your daughter marrying my husband?

Would you do this to your friend and neighbor, Fruma Grizza?

Have you no consideration for a woman's feelings?

Handing over my belongings to a total stranger!!!!!!

The screaming begins again and everybody runs around. She continues to rave, but for your sanity we'll sum it up for you-- she'll knock off Tzeitalurina after three weeks of marriage to Tugar Wolf somehow this is enough to get Jelda to agree to the switch in hubbies for her eldest.

Munku: (to the Everlasting Cat) Thank you for that incredible idea.

Jelly: Don't flatter yourself.... I'M JUST TOO TIRED TO LISTEN TO YOUR RANTINGS!!!!

SCENE 7

Things move really fast and before we know it, it's time for the wedding. Everyone is there to celebrate--- which isn't as impressive as you may think with only 29 cast members (there are 33, but we couldn't figure out how add in those Russians without messing up the whole order of the scene, so we'll cope.

All:
Revise, Recast.....

Revise, Recast.....

Swiftly flow our tears....

One messed up scene following another....

Laden with some happiness, but mainly tears.....

Veroni: If you can't sing it right, don't sing it at all!!

Misto: I'll vouch for that last option.

The celebration moves on to a dance scene, (hopefully our cast can do *this*). After this, the people are settled into their seats by the Gusabbi's son, Alondel. (hey, *I* know he really doesn't, but I've cut him out of everything else-- so humor me).

Alonzo: Hey, I was fine with being overlooked!

Veroni: Well, I wasn't! So get out there and address our semi-crowd with everything you have in you!!!!

Alonzo: Hey Veroni! This isn't the Pep Rally--- I don't need a pep talk!

Veroni: OH! Right, sorry.

Tugger: 'Sides which, she doesn't have her pitchfork anymore!

Veroni: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE WEDDING????????!!!!!

Alonzo: We are gathered here to celebrate the wedding of Mistotel and Tzeitalurina. Let us----

Cori: (jumps over the dividing rope-- a real no no at this sort of religious event)

Veroni: pssst.... Cori that doesn't happen for at least 2 more minutes!

Cori: Well, this is getting to be a really long fic, I was just trying to make sure the audience is awake for the intermission!!

Veroni: You're a riot.

Everyone acts horrified, but they get over it and soon everyone is dancing around until the big party poopers known as Russians appear to trash everything.

Munku: Why? Why?

Demi: Don't question it! The act is over and we can beat a hasty retreat before they miss us.

Munku: Oh. Good! Let's high tail it out of here.....

Veroni: Hey!! You come back here!!!! I didn't call a break........