(It's a lovely day in the Jellicles' junkyard, as the cats are preparing for the next parody...)

VICTORIA: Well, here we are again.

MUNKUSTRAP: You would think now that Matt graduated from college, he'd be looking for a job instead of tormenting us!

MATT: Munkustrap, since when do you care about my looking for a job? You're not my father!

MUNKU: Since you started making us do these insane parodies, that's when!

SKIMBLESHANKS: Don't try to argue with him, Munkustrap...as long as he gets praise for his parodies and brings more people to Veroni's website, she'll keep encouraging him and he won't stop.

MUNKU: Good for HIM--bad for US!

(Juliet approaches Matt.)

JULIE: Matt, Griz is ready to go.

SKIMBLE: Oh boy. I hope you didn't show Griz any footage of Carol Channing performing.

POUNCIVAL: Otherwise we'd be back to seeing "insane Griz" again.

MATT: Relax, I didn't. She's progressed nicely since "Sweaty Todd", I'm not going to spoil it.

JEMIMA: Yeah! Before she was a nut job, NOW she's just acting like a diva!

JULIE: And what's wrong with that? With your voice that's going to be you in a few years, Jemima!

SKIMBLE: And what's more, I hope, Matt, that you didn't show Griz the film version of "Hello, Dolly" with Barbra Streisand...

MATT: Nah, Griz dislikes Barbra Streisand. But enough talk...ACTION!

POUNCE: (getting into his 1890's getup) Oh man. Now I see what the drill sergeant on "Sally Jessy Raphael" means when he says "The pain is here!"

(As the curtain rises, we go to a street scene depicting New York City in the 1890's. The cats are striking different poses, and begin to sing...)

ALL: Call on Grizzy

She's the one the spinsters recommend

Just name the kind of tom your sister wants

And she'll snatch him up

Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts

And she'll match 'em up

Call on Grizzy

If your eldest daughter needs a friend!

(A horsecar enters--the horse being Rumpleteazer--who is the top half, and Mungojerrie--who is the bottom half...)

RUMPLETEAZER: 'Ey! 'Ow come we got to be the 'orse?

MATT: I figured if you guys were in the horse suit, you'd stay out of trouble.

TUGGER: Plus, the last time a real horse showed up in the junkyard, Alonzo was a bit nipped and...well, you know!

ALONZO: It was a natural mistake! When you're high as a kite you misperceive a lot of things!

MUNGOJERRIE: But do Oi 'ave to be the bottom?

POUNCE: Well, Mungojerrie, I always thought you WERE a horse's...

MATT: OK! Let's move on!

MUNGO: Pounce, you'll get yours.

(The chorus cats continue as several ladies--played by Bombalurina, Tantomile and Jellylorum--join in. A third queen is still covered by her newspaper.)

ALL: Just name the kind of tom your sister wants

And she'll snatch him up

Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts

And she'll match 'em up

Call on...

(The third queen drops her newspaper. She is...)

GRIZABELLA: Grizzy Levi!

(she hands a card to another queen, Demestina, and continues)

That's right, Mrs. Grizzy Levi, born Gallagher...

TUMBLEBRUTUS: GALLAGHER?! So is Griz going to smash any fruit in this play?

MATT: NOT THAT GALLAGHER!

GRIZ: (hisses at Tumblebrutus and continues)...marriages arranged! Unfortunately I won't be able to offer my usual lightning service today as I have a previous appointment in the village of Yonkers, New York, arranging the second marriage of Mr. Horace Bustogelder, the well-known half-a-millionaire...as my late husband Gussaim Levi always said, that means he's got at least ten thousand cash...but I'll do my best to have you carried across somebody's threshold before the week is out! I might also mention I'm available for financial consultation, instruction in the guitar and mandolin, short distance hauling, and...(looks at Demestina) national monuments restored!

JULIE: See, kitties? Griz can do it all!

BOMBALURINA: Juliet, do NOT encourage her!

(she jumps on the horsecar and it leaves, as the background cats reprise the opening song. A young tom, Mistambrose Kemper enters.)

MISTOFFOLEES: Mrs. Levi, the train for Yonkers leaves in five minutes and if we don't get there on time...

GRIZ: (jumps off the horsecar) But we will, Mr. Kemper! And not only will Horace Bustogelder give you permission to marry his niece Etcengarde, even if you are a poor struggling artist, but he will dance at your wedding because I happen to be engaged in finding him a suitable second wife himself! What he really wants is someone steady to clean the house..

JENNYANYDOTS: Typical of males...

GRIZ: (continues)...as my late husband Gussaim Levi always said, marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder!

GUS: Eh? Someone call?

MATT: Gus?! You actually heard something straight for once!

GUS: Yep! Got a top of the line new hearing aid. Works like a charm, but it's very sensitive...

MISTO: I know all about it, Mrs. Levi! Half New York says he's going to propose to the widow Molloy this very afternoon!

GUS: ACK! Not so loud, Mistoffolees! My new hearing aid is VERY sensitive!

GRIZ: Which is exactly why I'm on my way to Yonkers this morning and can take on your case and knock off four lovecats with one stone or whatever I'll throw I'll see, only...well well well, I seem to have nothing in my purse, only large bills, fives and sevens...

ELECTRA: Man, Griz is really getting into this part!

VICKY: Yeah, she wanted to play this part when Matt announced he was going to do this parody.

MATT: What could I do? She was too perfect for the part...

ALONZO: Yeah, that and Juliet was going to get a bit upset because Griz hasn't had a lead part in a while!

MATT: Hey, give the Jellicles what they want, I always say!

MISTO: I'll buy your ticket for you, Mrs. Levi! But I just hope this isn't a wild goose chase!

BUSTOPHER: Wild goose? Where? I haven't had goose since last Christmas...

(Grizzy hands out a few more cards, the opening song is reprised yet again, and Mistambrose finally has to ask...)

MISTO: Tell me, Mrs. Levi, what's in all this for you?

GRIZ: A living, Mr. Kemper. Some cats paint, some sew, I meddle!

(begins to sing, as Juliet tapes Pouncival's mouth shut so he doesn't say anything)

POUNCE: MMPH!

GRIZ: I have always been a queen who arranges things for the pleasure and the profit it derives

I have always been a queen who arranges things like furniture and daffodils and lives...

(hands her purse to Mistambrose and the music perks up)

When a tom with a timid tongue

Meets a queen with a diffident air

Why should the tortured kitties beat around the bush

When Heavyside knows Mother Nature always needs a little push

So I put my paw in here

And I put my paw in there

And a queen over six foot three

Loves a tom who comes up to her ear

Surely it's obvious she'll never be seduced

'Til some kind soul condescends to give her beau a little boost...

LEC: And I thought it was scary when Old Deuteronomy got like this.

(You get the idea, right? Anyway, there's a bit more singing and dancing, and Grizzy and Mistambrose head on the train to Yonkers...)

POUNCE: Mmph mmph mmph!

MATT: Sorry, Pouncival! (rips the tape off of Pouncival's mouth)

POUNCE: YYYEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

MATT: Oops!

(The next scene begins in Yonkers, as the Catnip and Feed Dealer's Association Toms--Skimbleshanks, Asparagus Jr., Victor, and a few of Cassandra's relatives march on in bright orange outfits playing different musical instruments. Horace Bustogelder brings up the rear, followed by his weeping niece, Etcengarde.)

BUSTOPHER: Wait a minute. I have to be in this thing?!

MATT: Come on, Bustopher! It works! After all, Horace is rather crotchety and uptight, and...

BUSTOPHER: Are you all saying I'm crotchety and uptight?

(The other cats slowly nod their heads yes.)

BUSTOPHER: Well, I never!

MATT: That's why when I heard Walter Matthau played this role, I thought it would be perfect for you...

BUSTOPHER: Excuse me? Did you say Walter Matthau? I did love him in "The Odd Couple"...now I don't feel so bad.

(Anyway, Etcengarde is crying up a storm...)

BUSTOPHER: Darn! How can I be expected to practice for the Fourteenth Street Association Parade with all that bellowing in my ears?!

ETCETERA: I can't help it, Uncle. I love Mistambrose Kemper!

TUGGER: And here I thought it was me ya loved, Cet!

BUSTOPHER: And I say you're too young to be in love with anybody!

CET: I'm not too young! I'm seventeen...(breaks character) And this is in human years...(gets back into character) and in another year I'll be an old maid!

BUSTOPHER: Well, I forbid it! Dare to be an old maid, Etcengarde, and I'll cut you off without a cent!

(he bangs the drum, and she screams)

...And don't cry in front of the store!

CET: I can't help it! I'm unhappy!

(she runs into the store, and Horace follows her in)

BUSTOPHER: Then by thunder you'll go weep in your room where it won't scare off the customers! And weep standing, I don't want no salt stains on the pillows!

(he stamps his hind paw on the floor)

Cornelius! Barnaby!

(the startrap opens, and out come Horace's two assistants, Cornelius Munkl and Barnaby Tugger.)

RUMPUS CAT: At least now they know what I have to go through every night.

MUNKU: You stamped, Mr. Bustogelder?

BUSTOPHER: I did! I got news for you both. I am going to New York City this afternoon to march in the Fourteenth Street Association Parade and when I come back, you're going to have a mistress!

POUNCE: He's going to be in a parade? As what, one of those giant balloons resembling cartoon characters?

TUGGER: I'm too young, Mr. Bustogelder!

BUSTOPHER: Not yours, mine! I mean, I'm getting married again...

GUS: Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime

Call out the army, feather and tar me

But get me to the church...

MATT: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG!

BUSTOPHER: ...and in honor of that occasion, I've decided to promote you, Cornelius, to chief clerk.

MUNKU: And what am I now, Mr. Bustogelder?

BUSTOPHER: You're an impertinent fool, that's what you are!

MACAVITY: I knew Bustopher would see things my way eventually.

BUSTOPHER: And I'm promoting you from impertinent fool to chief clerk. Any more questions?

POUNCE: Yeah, now that you mention it, who's your pick to win the Super Bowl this year?

TUMBLE: Why is the sky blue?

CORICOPAT: And why is it that hot dogs come in packs of eight, but hot dog buns come in packs of twelve?

BUSTOPHER: NOT THOSE KINDS OF QUESTIONS...go away!

(Cornelius does have one question, however...)

MUNKU: Does...does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?

BUSTOPHER: So that's the way you thank me for your promotion, is it? No, sir, you'll attend to the store as usual! Now get back to work!

VERONI: Actually, it's HTML break time.

BUSTOPHER: Oh. In that case.. Don't get back to work!

POUNCE: Now there's an order I can live with! (scampers out).