BUSTOPHER: Matt, did you HAVE to cut me off before my big monologue?

MATT: Sorry, but you know what happens if these things get too long. Veroni says that Angelfire can only take so much...

BUSTOPHER: Well, you owe it to me to let me say the whole thing instead of cutting me off midway through the monologue for such insolence.

POUNCE: (walking by) NO, HE DOESN'T!

(Well, we don't want to have an irate, overweight feline here, so we'll go to Horace Bustogelder's monologue...)

BUSTOPHER: Evenings off! Marrying artists! FOOLISHNESS! Ninety-nine percent of the cats in this world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contamination!

POUNCE: We're not in danger of contamination...unless we went to Mexico and drank the water...

BUSTOPHER: Why, even I was once young...

POUNCE: OH YEAH RIGHT!

BUSTOPHER: ...and foolish, and got married, which was foolish...

JENNYANYDOTS: HEY!

BUSTOPHER: ...and was poor, which was more foolish than anything else. Then my wife died, which was foolish of her, I grew older, which was sensible of me, and became rich, friendless, and mean, which in America is about as far as you can go! Oh, I know what you're wondering now. Why a tom of so much good sense should be planning anyhing as foolish as getting married again. The answer's simple: this house without a queen would be an empty shell, and pretty dirty, too!

JENNY: Typical, typical, typical. Who wrote this thing anyway? Queens cleaning house for toms? WELL, I NEVER...

MATT: JENNY! Please KNOCK IT OFF!

(Two male customers--Coricopat and George--enter Horace's shop. Cornelius and Barnaby help them, as Horace sings...)

BUSTOPHER: It takes a queen all powdered and pink

To joyously clean out the drain in the sink

And it takes an angel with long golden lashes

And soft Dresden claws

For dumping the ashes

JENNY: Now really!

(Cornelius, Barnaby, and the two customers join in.)

MUNKU, TUGGER, CORI, AND GEORGE: Yes it takes a queen

A dainty queen

A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife

Oh yes it takes a queen

A fragile queen

To bring you the sweet things in life..

BUSTOPHER: (as more of the toms appear) The frail young maiden who's constantly there

For washing and blueing and shoeing the mare

And it takes a female for setting the table

And weaning the Guernsey

And cleaning the stable

ALL: Oh yes, it takes a queen, a dainty queen

A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife,

Oh yes it takes a queen,

A fragile queen

To bring you the sweet things in life,

And so she'll work until infinity

Three cheers for feminity

RAH RAH RAH...RAH RAH RAH...

JENNY: Okay, I'm pulling the plug on this one RIGHT NOW. I can only be pushed so far.

POUNCE: Fine by me. I'd believe the words coming out of Bustopher's mouth if in reality HE wasn't the one that did the cooking, cleaning, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera for Jenny...

JENNY: It took me two years to train him!

MAC: I'll have to agree with you there, Pouncival, but you're stealing my "The Tom and I" bit!

POUNCE: Well, you stole my "You're a Good Tom, Munklie Brown" bit in "Darn Kitties"!

MATT: GUYS! Please! This play is long enough as it is!

(So anyway, the song goes on for a while and finally, Mrs. Grizzy Levi and Mistambrose enter the store...)

GRIZ: Congratulations, congratulations, a thousand congratulations!

BUSTOPHER: What? What?

GRIZ: Congratulations, Mr. Bustogelder! All New York is buzzing with the news that you've practically proposed to the widow Molloy. The streets are lined with eligible young queens prostrate with grief...

TUMBLEBRUTUS: I thought only GUYS had a prostrate...

MATT: That's PROSTATE, you...grrr, never mind!

(Anyhow, cutting a long scene short, Grizzy tries to convince Horace that the widow Molloy is evil...but she has set him up with Demestina Money, an heiress in New York City, and she'll be in the parade. Meanwhile, Horace's two assistants are mildly disgruntled...)

TUMBLE: So they "go postal"?

MATT: NO, TUMBLEBRUTUS! You've been watching too many local newscasts!

(...so they discuss their future...)

MUNKU: Chief clerk! Promoted from chief clerk to chief clerk! And if I'm good, in ten years I'll be promoted to chief clerk again! Thirty-three years old...

POUNCE: In human years, that is...

MUNKU: (continues) ...and I still don't get an evening free. When am I going to begin to live?

POUNCE: Well, usually most cats begin to live once the mother cat gives birth to them and...

MATT: POUNCIVAL! CAN IT!

TUGGER: You can live on holidays, Cornelius!

MUNKU: Did you forget what we did last Christmas? All those canned tomatoes went bad and exploded and you and I cleaned up the mess all afternoon. Do you call that living?

TUGGER: No!

MUNKU: Barnaby, you and I are going to New York!

BUSTOPHER, CORI, SKIMBLE, MISTO: New York, New York,

He's going to pop the...

MUNKU: AH SHADDUP!

TUGGER: You mean close the store?

MUNKU: Uh huh.

TUGGER: Cornelius, we can't!

MUNKU: We'll have to. Some more rotten tomato cans are going to explode.

TUGGER: Holy cabooses! How do you know?

MUNKU: I'm going to light this candle under them, that's how I know. They'll make such a smell customers won't be able to come into the place for twenty-four hours. That'll get us an evening off! We're going to New York, Barnaby, and we're going to live! We're going to have a good meal, we're going to be in danger, we're going to spend our money, we're going to be arrested... (he isn't looking and falls in the open startrap)

RUMPUS: Well, at least Pouncival won't be calling me "Startrap Butt" for a while...

TUGGER: (still in character) Holy cabooses!

MUNKU: And one more thing! We're not coming back to Yonkers until we've each kissed a queen.

TUGGER: Been there, done that.

MATT: TUGGER! It's called staying in character, try looking into it!

TUGGER: Oh, all right...(back in character) Cornelius, you can't do that! You don't know any queens!

MUNKU: I'm thirty-three years old! I've got to begin sometime!

TUGGER: I'm only seventeen, Cornelius. It isn't so urgent for me.

JULIE: Wow, Matt, I can see you're really stressing the Tugger out with this part!

MATT: Isn't it fun to watch?

JULIE: Oh yeah.

MUNKU: New York! Barnaby! Elevated trains! The lights of Broadway! The stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum!

VICKY: Been there, seen those. You forget, we've been on Broadway for 18 years!

TUGGER: A stuffed whale?

MUNKU: A stuffed whale! What do you say, Barnaby?

TUGGER: Yes, Cornelius! YES!

VERONI: (hearing the "yes" as she walks in) You like me! You really like me!

TUGGER: Oh gee. Here we go with the Sally Field bit again.... GET OVER YOURSELF!

JENNY: Am I the only one who finds those words coming out of his mouth EXTREMELY strange?

JELLY: Scary, even.

TUGGER: (rolls his eyes) Right. Laugh it up, ladies.

VERONI: KITTENS! Let's behave, now. (presses a button labled "HTML BREAK")