ALONZO: Good Heavyside, Matt, are we done with the first act YET?

MATT: I didn't know this play had three REALLY LONG scenes in the first act!

GRIZ: I don't mind. More dialogue for me. You're giving the public more of the Jellicle Diva, which is what they want, right?

JULIE: Hey, I don't mind.

(Pouncival opens his mouth, but Juliet shoots a look at him that stops him before he can say a thing.)

JELLY: Wow! Juliet can now help Munkustrap and I keep these kittens in line!

(We go to a street in New York City. We see the exterior of a hat shop run by Horace Bustogelder's intended, Jenirene Molloy. Her friend, Jemmie Fay, is outside.)

JEM: Hey, how come I play the babbling friend?

MATT: If you think about it, you give away the plot to these parodies ALL THE TIME, so I figured you could put your gift of gab to some good use.

JEM: I'd say something threatening, but you'd all laugh at me. Such is the price for being the cute kitten...(gets into character) ...Oh dear, oh my, will you look at that, ten o'clock and the shop not opened yet.

(A pair of backstage cats cross.)

It's all because of the impending marriage, I tell you. What marriage? Oh, I thought you know. Why, the marriage Mrs. Levi is arranging between Mr. Horace Bustogelder, the well known Yonkers half-a-millionaire and my employer and friend, Mrs. Jenirene Molloy...

(Demestine walks across the stage)

...although if you ask me, he'll never take the place of her late husband, Mr. Pouncer Molloy...

POUNCE: ME?!

TUMBLE: Relax, Pouncival. Your character is dead, so he never sees stage time.

POUNCE: I guess I can live with that. (breathes a sigh of relief)

TUMBLE: However, Matt will find SOMETHING for you to do...

POUNCE: Rats.

JEM: (picks up where she left off) ...may he rest in peace, wherever he is, I'm not sure. Oh, it's all too much what with late husbands and new marriages and on top of everything else...

(Two more background cats walk across the stage)

...Miss Mortimer returning this hat for the third time! Same old story, she wants more cherries and fathers. Cherries and feathers to catch a beau, I suppose, although if you ask me she'd do better with a nice heavy veil!

(She walks off stage and returns again)

PLATO: Seeing Jemima this way is really freaking me out.

TUMBLE: Obviously, you haven't been on a date with her. She's a cute little kitten, but she'll talk your ears off!

JEM: HEY! (gets back into character) ...Ribbons down our back, I hold her. Ribbon down our back is what we'll be wearing this summer if we want to catch a tom's eye, but she'd have none of it! Cherries and feathers she wants, on today of all days, when that poor dear sweet Mrs. Molloy has enough on her mind with...

(Mrs. Molloy comes in)

JENNY: With what, Jemmie?

JEM: With the door! It's stuck!

JEN: It's stuck? Then push!

(Jenny turns the right part of the hat shop set around, but Jemima is having some problems with the left side. The Great Rumpus Cat comes and does it for her.)

CET: WOW! I love how his muscles BULGE when he does manual labor!

TUGGER: (growing VERY jealous) Ahem?

(The Rumpus Cat casts a look at the Tugger that would melt steel. The Tugger scampers off. Meanwhile, on stage, Mrs. Molloy and Jemmie keep talking.)

JENNY: All right, Jemmie, let's have it. That's right, the question that's been on the tip of your tongue all week. Go on, say it! Why am I marrying Horace Bustogelder?

POUNCE: So we can cut this play short and get out of here?

JULIE: Pouncival...do me a favor. Never breed.

JEM: Oh Mrs. Molloy, I didn't ask you that! I would rather die on the rack than ask you such a personal question! But as long as you did bring it up...

JENNY: I am marrying Horace Bustogelder for one reason and one reason alone, Jemmie! To get away from the millinery business. I HATE HATS! And I can no longer stand being suspected of being a wicked queen with nothing to show for it...

BUSTOPHER: Oh, you do have something to show for it, darling. *a low growl is heard*

POUNCE: Was that Bustopher growling sensually or was that his stomach again?

TUMBLE: I think it was both.

JEM: Oh, Mrs. Molloy!

JENNY: Don't protest, Jemmie! All millineresses are suspected of being wicked queens. That's why I can't go to restaurants or balls or theatres...that's all the proof they'd need. Take my word for it, Jemmie, either I marry Horace Bustogelder or I break out of this place like a fire engine!

GUS: Ack! Volume down, Jenny! YOUR VOICE sounds like a fire engine siren!

JENNY: You never told me that before!

GUS: I didn't have this hearing aid before!

(Anyhow, cutting a long scene short...Mrs. Molloy notices the hat that Mrs. Mortimer returned, and announces that SHE'LL wear it...in song, of course.)

JENNY: I'll be wearing ribbons down my back this summer

Blue and green and streaming in the yellow sky

So if someone special comes my way this summer

He might notice me passing by...

(stops, pulls out a pair of granny glasses, grabs a script and reads ahead)

Aha. Just as I thought. You HAD to give me the most anti-feminist song in the play, didn't you, Matt? Queens looking pretty just to catch a tom's attention? Come now!

MATT: (looks away innocently) ME?! Do something like THAT?! PERISH THE THOUGHT!

JENNY: Funny.

TUGGER: I, for one, have no objection to queens dolling themselves up to get my attention.

JULIE: PLEASE! You'd mate with anything feline and female.

(So anyway, more dialogue between Mrs. Molloy and Jemmie...and then Mrs. Molloy leaves as Cornelius and Barnaby enter.)

MUNKU: We'll get an adventure out of this yet, Barnaby! All day long we wander around New York and nothing happens, then we come to the quietest street in the city and suddenly... (he hears the familiar word "Suddenly" and starts to sing) ...Seymour, is standing beside you...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW!

MUNKU: I thought that was rather funny.

MATT: AURGH! May we stick to the script, PLEASE?!

TUGGER: (whose concentration wasn't broken) Bustogelder!

MUNKU: Is he still out there?

TUGGER: (looking out of the window) He's sitting on that bench. Cornelius, are you sure this is an adventure?

MUNKU: You don't have to ask, Barnaby. When you're in one, you'll know it all right! How much money have you got left?

TUGGER: Not much, Cornelius. Forty cents for the train back, thirty cents for dinner, and twenty cents to see the whale. Ninety cents. Why?

JULIE: Well, how about that, Tugger, YOU CAN ADD! Congratulations!

MUNKU: When those queens come out we'll have to pretend to be customers. Maybe the best thing to do is make them think we're rich. Then we won't have to spend anything. We're two toms about town looking for hats for queens. Good afternoon, Mrs....

(Mrs. Molloy comes out of the workroom)

JENNY: Molloy.

MUNKU: Here, Cornelius Munkl!

TUGGER: Here, Barnaby Tugger!

JENNY: My pleasure, gentletoms. (starts acting seductive) Now what can I do for you, hmmm?

POUNCE: Is it just me, but is seeing Jenny acting all seductive the equivalent to watching your grandma relive her flapper days?

CET: Uh-huh. Grossness.

BUSTOPHER: Speak for yourselves!

MUNKU: Well, you see, we're two queens about town and...

TUGGER: He means, we're hats! And we want to buy some queens to put under them and...

MUNKU: We want a hat, that's all! For a queen of course. And everybody said to come to Mrs. Molloy's because she's so pretty...I mean, her hats are so pretty!

(The other cats are rolling around on the ground, laughing.)

POUNCE: You two are quite the smooth players, now aren't you!

TUGGER: Matt, did you give us these parts so we could look like complete fools?!

MUNKU: He's made us all look like complete fools at one point. Deal with it.

MATT: Guys...back in character, PLEASE?!

TUGGER: And so reasonable, Cornelius! As reasonable as under a dollar, would still leave us enough to see the whale.

MUNKU: You've got to pay him no mind, ma'am, he's ocme all the way from Yonkers to see the stuffed whale and he's all excited. Just keep an eye on that street, Barnaby, and maybe you'll see it pass by. (steers him towards the window and pushes down on his head, pressing his face against the glass)

TUGGER: Is it big and black with mean little red eyes?

MAC: Nope, that's just Big Vito enjoying some refreshment at the coffee machine.

BIG VITO: I don't understand, Boss, why do Knuckles, Nunzio and I have to be in this thing?

MAC: Ask our fearless director over there.

MATT: Because we were short a few dancers and I needed you guys for Act 2.

KNUCKLES: US? DANCE?! We'll never live it down at the social club!

DEM: Oh, PLEASE! What "social club"? It's just a back alley in Brooklyn infested with delinquent alley cats.

KNUCKLES: That's as may be, but we prefer to call it "the social club" to disguise that fact.

NUNZIO: SHADDUP! The Great Rumpus Cat is standing RIGHT OVER THERE! You want HIM to hear about it?!

MUNKU: (still in character) Yes.

TUGGER: It's sitting right on that bench.

JENNY: Excuse me, but did you say Yonkers, Mr. Munkl?

MUNKU: Oh yes, ma'am, Yonkers! And forgive me for saying this, but you should see Yonkers. By that I mean perhaps Mr. Molloy would like to see Yonkers, too!

JENNY: Oh, I'm a widow, Mr. Munkl.

MUNKU: (elated) You are? Barnaby, she's a widow! (realizes what he said and how he said it) Oh, that's too bad. I'm sure Mr. Molloy would have enjoyed Yonkers. Especially in that hat. I mean, on you, of course, not Mr. Molloy, may he rest in peace...

(Cutting some long dialogue short, Cornelius offers to show Mrs. Molloy around Yonkers if she has a Sunday free...)

JENNY: Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Munkl, I might be there sooner than you think.

MUNKU: Oh, really?

JENNY: You see, I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.

MUNKU: Do you?

JENNY: Perhaps you know him...

MUNKU: Perhaps we do.

JEM: Well, DUH!

MATT: JEMIMA! What did Veroni and I tell you about giving away the plot?

JENNY: (still in character) Oh, it's always so foolish to ask in cases like that, isn't it?

(they all start laughing, and then Mrs. Molloy says who it is...)

JENNY: It's a Mr. Bustogelder.

(Cornelius stops laughing, and Barnaby crashes into a hat rack, knocking it over.)

DEM: MACAVITY!

TUGGER: NO, Demeter, it's ME! And yes, that fall WAS scripted, so you can all stop laughing and let me pick up whatever shards of my dignity are left.

MUNKU: (still in character and trying VERY hard not to laugh at the Tugger) Horace Bustogelder?

TUGGER: Of Bustogelder's Hay and Feed?

JENNY: Do you know him?

MUNKU & TUGGER: NO!

(Anyhow, there's more dialogue and Cornelius and Barnaby spot Horace entering, and make a mad dash in hiding, knocking over everything that wasn't glued to the stage in the process...and then Horace comes in...)

JENNY: ...I insist you both come out of there at once or I shall be forced to... MR. BUSTOGELDER!

BUSTOPHER: Mrs. Molloy. I don't suppose Mrs. Levi is here, is she? She was supposed to meet me on that bench ten minutes ago. Well, she can just go looking for me if she comes. When I make an appointment I like people to be on time!

MISTO: Oh boy. He's heading very close to Vernon Hines territory here.

POUNCE: Let's just hope he doesn't break into "Think Of The Time I Save" from "The Pajama Game".

(Horace drops a small box on a table.)

BUSTOPHER: Here, here's a present for you. Chocolate covered peanuts. Unshelled. That's the expensive kind.

JULIE: You know, normally I'd consider that a sweet gesture, but he ate all those peanuts before he went on stage!

BUSTOPHER: (continues, with his face turning red at Juliet's last remark) Did I just see you talking with two toms?

JENNY: Toms? Toms, Mr. Bustogelder? What would toms be doing in a hat store? Well, Mr. Bustogelder, what's new in the hay and feed business?

(She tries to cover up the fact that Cornelius and Barnaby are hiding...there's more dialogue here, but she finally reveals that she has befriended a "well-to-do" gentleman named Cornelius Munkl...)

BUSTOPHER: Did you say Munkl?

JENNY: Why, yes...

BUSTOPHER: He happens to be my head clerk, that's all! Mrs. Molloy, I demand an explanation!

(Grizzy, who had been watching the whole thing outside the window, enters the shop)

GRIZ: And I'm going to give it to you! Why shouldn't she know Cornelius Munkl? Everybody in New York knows Cornelius Munkl! He's here at the opera, in all the fashionable homes, why he's at the Harmonia Gardens three times a week!

(Well, to make a long scene short, Horace finds out where his two clerks were hiding, and Mrs. Molloy realizes the game is up and threatens to call the police cats. Grizzy settles it by having Cornelius and Barnaby take Jemmie and Mrs. Molloy to dinner at the Harmonia Gardens, but there's one problem...Cornelius can't dance...but Grizzy gives him one of her infamous cards...)

MUNKU: (reading the card) Mrs. Grizzy Levi, 33-year-old chief clerks taught how to....

GRIZ: Now you put one arm here and one arm here...

MUNKU: It's no use, I have absolutely no sense of rhythm!

TUGGER: *SNORT* You can say THAT again!

GRIZ: Absolutely no sense of rhythm is one of the primary requirements for learning by the Gallagher-Levi Method. Just give me five minutes of your time, Mr. Munkl, and I'll have you dancing in the streets!

TUGGER, ALONZO, MISTO, BUSTOPHER, POUNCE: There's a new sensation

Across the nation

They're dancing in the streets...

(Each one of said toms does a little dance, until it's Bustopher's turn.)

BUSTOPHER: WHAT?

MATT: Although certain other fic writers would appreciate that Rockapella stage show reference, GET BACK TO THE SHOW!

(Grizzy takes Cornelius's paw)

GRIZ: We'll start with Lesson Seven, the Waltz Kick Turn. Now it's simple...right foot, touch, left foot, touch, under, back, around, touch, back, through, around, behind.)

(Cornelius pretty much ties himself up in a knot doing that...and Plato and Victoria have to untangle him.)

PLATO: How many times do I have to tell you, Munkustrap, you're not as flexible as the two of us!

VICKY: Leave that kind of dancing to the professionals! (lifts her leg parallel to her body)

GRIZ: That's wonderful, when I think of the lucky queens who'll find heaven in your paws, let's go back to Lesson One. (sings)

Put your paw on her waist and stand

With her right in your left hand

And one two three, one two three, one two three...

MUNKU: Look, I'm dancing!...Well, I was.

GRIZ: Of course you were, Mr. Munkl! (sings again)

Take the someone whose paws you're in

Hold onto her tight and spin

And one two three, one two three, one two three

MUNKU: Wow, I'm dancing!

GRIZ: Turn around and turn around, try floating through the air

Can't you be a little more asthetic?

MUNKU: Don't you think my dancing has a polish and a flair?

MISTO: No comment.

GRIZ: (continues singing) The word I think I'd use is athletic!

MUNKU: Well, my heart is about to burst, my head is about to pop

And now that I'm dancing, who cares if I ever stop!

Look at me, everybody! I, Cornelius Munkl...Sport...am dancing!

(Grizzy goes through this routine again with Barnaby, and sure enough, Grizzy has all the chorus cats dancing as well. There's another long monologue which we'll skip where she conjures up her late husband again, and then Mrs. Molloy tells Grizzy the 14th Street Parade is about to start, and so what does everyone do? THEY SING!)

ALL: Well, duh!

GRIZ: (sings)

Before the parade passes by

I'm gonna go and taste Saturday's high life

Before the parade passes by

I'm gonna get some life back into my life

I'm ready to move out in front

I've had enough of just passing by life

With the rest of them

With the best of them

I can hold my head up high

For I've got a goal again

I've got a drive again

I wanna feel my heart coming alive again

Before the parade passes by!

(the cats start parading on the stage)

MATT: Oh boy. Griz is getting really into this...just like in "Anything Meows"...

JULIE: I know! Isn't it GREAT?

GRIZ: (continuing, getting more into the song)

Look at that crowd up ahead

Listen and hear that brass harmony growing

Look at that crowd up ahead

Pardon me if my old spirit is showing

All of those lights over there

Seem to be telling me where I'm going

When the whistles blow

And the cymbals crash

And the sparklers light the sky

I'm gonna raise the roof

I'm gonna carry on

Give me an old trombone

Give me an old baton

Before the parade basses by!

(Everyone reprises this last verse, and we see Horace Bustogelder pointing at a mannequin which resembles his *other* intended, Demestina Money.)

BUSTOPHER: Mrs. Levi, she's beautiful! Everything you said and more! Don't move, Miss Money, I'm coming! I'm on my way!

(And suddenly, a tom starts to run off with the mannequin and he has to give chase. Grizzy explains that Demestina had an emergency but would meet him at the Harmonia Gardens, the most expensive restaurant in New York. Horace discharges Grizzy as his marriage broker, but then is pushed off on a float before he can say anything else, leaving him confused.)

GRIZ: Gussaim, he's as good as mine.

(sings again)

I'm gonna raise the roof,

I'm gonna carry on

Give me an old trombone

Give me an old baton

BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY!

*END OF ACT 1*

POUNCE: All right! Break time! (everyone in the parade sequence stampedes for the buffet)

MATT: Oh boy. I'd better join them all. I don't care if the parade passes by, but I will care if my opportunity to eat something does!