(Munkustrap is sitting backstage, perusing a copy of George Orwell's "Animal Farm." Matt, the director, enters.)

Munkustrap: Do we really have to do this? This book is giving me some good ideas. It states that animals should not wear human clothing...

Matt: I'm not buying it. Get into your Seymour costume, Munkustrap.

Munkustrap: But it makes me look like a dork...(slinks off, muttering something under his breath)

Mistoffelees: Seriously, do we HAVE to do this one?

Matt: It was inevitable.

Bombalurina: That's as may be, but do Demeter, Tantomile, and I HAVE to wear these 60's beehive wigs? We'll have "wig fur" for days!

Tantomile: I dunno, I kinda like it.

Demeter: You would.

(Tantomile and Demeter hiss at one another.)

Matt: Girls, girls, break it up!

Demeter: He's right. At least we're not poor Macavity. The stage crew came today and dyed his mane black, and combed it back with some sort of gel...it won't be back to normal for a long time.

Bombalurina: I thought you hated Macavity!

Demeter: I do, but I wouldn't wish that kind of a dye job on ANY cat.

(Bustopher Jones and Rum Tum Tugger approach Matt.)

Bustopher: Why do we get parts where we're not even seen?

Rum Tum Tugger: Yeah, baby, I got more queens than you can shake a stick at, how come they can't even see me, huh?

Matt: I told you two, it's because Bustopher, you're the only cat big enough to fit inside the Audrey II puppet, and Tugger, your voice was the only one deep enough for this part. And besides, this goes for ALL OF YOU...if you don't behave, I'll send you back to Veronikitty to finish "Furball On The Roof".

Tugger: *gulp* We'll be good.

Matt: All right then...LET'S DO THIS!

*a heightening drum roll is heard, and Old Deuteronomy's voice is heard offstage*

Old D: On the 23rd day in the month of September, in the year of a decade not too long before our own...

(Just because I don't remember all the lines, he basically says that the human race encountered an intergalactic enemy that occurred in the most unlikely of places...which cuts us to three doo-wop singers, Crystant, Bombette, and Demffon, who start to sing:) )

Bomb, Demi, Tanti:
Little 'Yard,

Little yard of horrors,

Little yard, little yard of terror...

Old D: You bet it will be. That's why I chose to only appear in the first few seconds of this thing!

Matt: What was that?

Old D: Nothing....

(Anyway, the girls finish their song, and the action switches to a run-down florists, Gusnik's. Gusnik, the middle-aged shopkeeper, is sitting behind an empty cash register. Seymunkustrap, the rather nerdish...)

Munku: HEY! I heard that!

(...clerk, is taking inventory.)

Gus: Seymunku, what's going on down there?

Munku: Very little, Mr. Gusnik! (he goes towards Gusnik, trips on his tail, and breaks the flower pots he's holding.)

Munku: (under his breath) This is so unlike me.

Matt: Come on. You were the only one who had the voice range for Seymour.

Munku: I should be so grateful that I had that honor. *Should.*

Gus: Seymunku, look what you did to the inventory!

(At this point, the ditzy blonde floral arranger, Audrumple, enters, with a black eye.)

Matt: See girls, Rumple is wearing the wig, and she's not complaining!

Bomb: Yeah, and she liked it when you told her she had the accent for Audrey too!

DEM: What a kiss-up.

(Rumple tries in vain to change her Cockney accent to a NY accent, with hilarious results.)

Rumple: Sorry Oi'm late, Mr. Gusnik...

Gus: Audrumple, where'd you get that...how you say...shiner? Don't tell me it's that nogoodnik boyfriend of yours!

Rumple: E's a rebel but 'e makes money...and e's the only fella Oi got.

Munku: You're looking radiant today Audrumple...is that new eyeliner?

(At this point, Gusnik is exasperated with everything.)

Gus: (getting more and more dramatic, like a Yiddish theatre actor) Oy, vat an existance I got! Bums on the street, misfit employees, business is lousy, MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL!!!!

Mungo: Wow, talk about overacting!

Vic: YOU tell him.

(Gusnik sees the three doo-wop girls loitering outside his shop.)

Gus: Hey, you, urchins! No loitering! Aren't you supposed to be in school!

Matt (to backstage cats): Hey guys! Get in your urchin rags!

Mungo: Oh well. We got out of it as long as we could.

Jelly: It's only for one song...then we can watch the others make fools of themselves.

(After a brief dialogue between Gusnik and the doo-wop girls, the entire cast sings a song about their home, Skid Row.)

Cats:
Then you go downtown,

Where the folks are broke,

You go downtown,

Where your life's a joke,

You go downtown,

Where you buy a token,

You gooooo...home

To skid roooooow...

(The song continues, building to solos from Seymunku and Audrumple...ending with the now infamous 'long held note')

Cats: I'll do I don't know what to get outta SKID ROOOOOOOOOWWWW!

(The cast collapses.)

(Silence. Once the cast has revived themselves, we go back to Gusnik's.)

GUS: (still overacting) That's it, I'm done, kaput, I'm closing up this God (and customer) forsaken place!

Jelly: Wow. He's never been better!

Mungo: I still think he's too "into character".

Victoria: I repeat-- YOU tell him!

Rumple: Uh, Seymunku, why don't you show Mr. Gusnik that strange and interesting plant you're working on?

Munku: (unveils Audrumple II, which is really a green sock being used as a puppet by Tumblebrutus, who is crawling near Munku)

Tumble: What I have to put up with...

Rumple: Isn't it peculiar?

Gus: To say the least! Vat kind of meshugganeh weirdo plant is that?

Munku: I call it....Audrumple II!

Rumple: After me?! (squeaks in joy)

Backstage Cats: Awwww.

Mungo: Watch yourself...

Rumple: Now if we put it in the front window...

(No sooner do they do this, a customer (Misto) appears)

Misto: My, what a strange and interesting plant you have there! Where'd you find it?

(And with that, Seymunku recalls how he bought Audrumple II from a Chinese florist...with the help of the doo-wop girls.)

Misto: That's truly an amazing story! While I'm here, I'll buy $50 worth of roses!

(And with that, business is booming, until Audrumple II wilts. Gusnik instructs Seymunku to stay up with the plant.)

Munku: Ah Twoie, are you sickly, little plant, or just stubborn? *sings*

I've given you sunshine,

I've given you dirt,

You've given me nothing

But heartache and hurt,

I'm begging you sweetly

I'm down on my knees,

Oh please, grow for meeeee...

(The backstage cats are laughing hysterically at these lyrics. Munkustrap only pauses to hiss at them. He goes on with his song, pricking himself on a rose thorn. It is then he finds out that Audrumple II lives on blood.)

Veroni: Hiyas! You guys lasting without me?

Munku: S'cuse me, Veroni... but I was kinda in the middle of a big REVELATION TO BEAT ALL REVELATIONS type scene.

Veroni: Oh... sorry. Anyway, I'm free from school now for nearly two weeks--

Demi: (starts singing in some foreign key)
Little life,

Little life of Horrors!!!

Veroni's home!

Now our life's a terror!

Veroni: --- and I brought pizza to celebrate. THAT'S IT DEM! No pizza for you!

Demi: I... I meant that--

Bomb: That's what you get, babe. We learned long ago to go along with Veroni... otherwise things can get ugly.

(all the cats leave for pizza-- except for Dem)

Demi: This is no fair! HEY YOU GUYS!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!