Veroni: I hath come to deliever you guys back to Matt for awhile.

Misto: VERONI! YOU CAN'T LEAVE US!!!!

Veroni: You'll be fine.

Gus: (looks at Macavity's mane) I wouldn't bet on it.

Veroni: I gotta go scoot and set up for the finale of "Furball". See? Here comes Matt now. THEY'RE ALL YOURS!!!!!

Cats: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF, Seymunku had just found out his bizarre plant, Audrumple II, fed on blood.

Jemi: Ewww!

Vic: Be happy YOU don't have a part in this. I know I am!

(We go back to Gusnik's, the next day. Seymunku has finished a radio interview. The interviewer is played by Misto, and we don't see him, but he throws his voice to add to the effect. Gusnik and the three doo-wop queens are listening.)

Gus: I can't believe it, it couldn't be happening, pinch me goils, it couldn't be happening...

(Bomb pinches Gus. He yowls.)

Gus: Not REALLY! It's only ACTING! Kittens, sheesh.

Matt: (puts paws on forehead).

(Seymunku returns to the flower shop. He's holding a very feisty Audrumple II under his arm.)

Munku: How'd I do?

Bomb: You were great!

Tant: You were sexier than the Peke-Man!

Dem: You're an overnight sensation!

(breaks into song)

Tugger: This happens a lot in this musical, doesn't it?

Matt: Yeah, it'll happen to you too.

Tugger: I know. I'm still doin' this part under protest.

Matt: (whistles the opening to "Tradition" from "Fiddler On The Roof")

Tugger: *gulp*

Dem: (sings) One day he pushed a broom, nothing in his news but gloom and doom, then he lit a fuse and give him room, he started an explosion, bang kerpow, that thing went bang kerboom, don't that go to show ya never know?

Tugger: Well, now I don't feel so bad.

(Munku and the other girls join Demeter, then the song ends. Rumple then enters as Munku leaves. Her arm is in a cast.)

Rumple: Hoi, goils. It was Seymunku's foist radio interview, and Oi missed it.....Oi had a date...

Gus: So you were, eh, how you say, tied up?

Rumple: No, just handcuffed a little.

Mungo: Who's doin' this to me sister?

Jelly: Calm down, it's only a play.

Tant: Ditch that chump you seein'!

Rumple: Oi couldn't. If this is how 'e treats me when 'e loikes me, Oi'd 'ate to see what 'e does when 'e's angry...

Bomb: How about seein' that punk with the glasses, Seymunku?

Rumple: No, we're just friends....but still....

(Rumple breaks into song.)

Rumple:
Oi know Seymunku's the greatest,

But Oi'm dating a semi-sadist, so I

got a black eye, and my arm's in a cast...

Mungo: Lemme at 'im!

Jelly: Shhh!

Rumple: (continuing)
Still, that Seymunku's a cutie,

Well if not, he's got inner beauty,

And I dream of a place where we can be together at last....

Bomb: Where, an emergency room?

Rumple: No, just a little daydream I 'ave....

(breaks into song again)

Misto: Isn't that just like Rumple, always breaking into stuff.

Rumple: (continuing)
A matchbox of our own,

A fence of real chain link,

A grill out on the patio,

Disposal in the sink,

A washer and a dryer,

And an ironing machine,

In the tract house that we share,

Somewhere that's green...

Tugger: *gags*

Vic: Must you ALWAYS gag at these songs, Tugger? I kinda like what she's getting at.

Tugger: Gimme the junkyard any day, sister!

(So anyway, Rumple finishes the song, and then there's a blackout, and we see the front of Gusnik's where the three doo-wop queens are hanging out. We hear a motorcycle screech to a halt...it's Audrumple's boyfriend, Orin Macavity, DDS. His mane is greased back and it's dyed black instead of the usual red, black and white, and he's in full biker garb.)

Mac: Do I HAVE to go on like this? I'm the Napoleon of Crime, for Pete's sakes! I look like a wienie!

Matt: Aw, come off it, Mac. You look awesome. Besides, the dye washes out as soon as we're done with the fanfic.

Mac: Well hurry up. I've got a rich old lady's house to loot.

Matt: Always one for extracurricular activities, eh, Mac?

Mac: *sneers, then stalks on stage*

(So Mac finally gets on stage, and we can get on with this scene.)

Mac: (to the doo-wop queens): Is this 1313 Skid Row? I'm here to pick up my date!

Dem: It wouldn't, by any chance, be a beat-up blonde, wouldn't it?

Mac: Yeah. So?

(All three queens pounce on Macavity, hissing and scratching. Meanwhile, backstage...)

Mungo: Let....me....at....him! (several cats are trying to hold him back, but he keeps clawing and hissing)

Matt: For cryin' out loud, Mungo! He's only acting!

Gus: And he says I overact.

(Back on stage...)

Macavity: (under his breath) OW! That really hurt!

(back at full volume) Whoa whoa whoa, don't blame me, blame my childhood...

(breaks into song)

When I was younger, just a bad li'l kit,

My mama noticed funny things I did.

Like shooting Pollicles with a BB gun.

Rumpus Cat: Maybe he's not so bad after all.

Mac: (continuing)
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done,

I'd find a Jellicle cat and BASH in its head.

Alonzo: He has. I had a concussion after our last fight.

Mac: (continuing): That's when my mama said...

Bomb, Dem and Tant: What did she say?

MAC:
She said my boy I think someday

You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay...

(rips off black jacket to reveal a dentist's smock)

You'll be a dentist...you have a talent for causing things pain!

Son be a dentist, people will pay you to be inhumane!

Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood, and teaching would suit you

still less, son be a DENTIST, you'll be a success!

Tugger: Now this song isn't so bad. I kinda like it.

Vic: *gags*

Jenny and Jelly: MALES!

(Anyway, there's a second verse, but in the interest of time, we'll cut to the end.)

Mac: Say "Ah!"

Bomb, Dem and Tant: AH!

Mac: Say "Aaaahhh"

Bomb, Dem and Tant: AAAAHHH

Mac: Say "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Bomb, Dem and Tant: AAAAAAHHH

Mac: Now spit!

(The three queens spit, but Tantomile barfs a hairball, which lands directly on Macavity. He removes it with a disgusted look on his face. Backstage, the other cats are laughing hysterically.)

(The Gusnik's set opens up. Mac is now inside. We see that Audrumple II has gotten bigger. Seymunku and Audrumple are inside.)

Munku (to Mac): Sorry, we're closed. You can't come in here.

Mac: Relax. Want some nitrous oxide? (inhales from a vial and laughs diabolically)

Rumple: Er, Seymunku, this is my boyfriend, Orin Macavity...

(Mac glares at her.)

Rumple:...er, DDS, DDS!

Tugger: Yeah. DDS. Dumb, Dumber, Stupid!

Matt: Would you dare say that if Macavity was standing next to you?

Tugger: In that outfit? YEAH!

Matt: Just go behind the scenery. Bustopher's already in the plant puppet.

Tugger: I could tell!

(While THAT dialogue was going on, Mac is telling Seymunku about how he should take the plant and leave Skid Row and hit "the big time" with it, then he and Audrumple leave. Gus happens to overhear.)

Gus (to himself): If Seymunku leaves...den I don't make de money I've been making...(to Munku)...Seymunku...

Munku: Sir?

GUS (breaking into song):
How vould ya like to be mein son?

How vould ya like to be mein own adopted boy?

I never liked him much before

But count de cash that's in de drawer,

I got no choice, I'm much too poor, Say Yes...

Munku: What for?

(Anyhow, this really cool song ends, and Seymunku decides to take Gusnik's offer of being his adopted dad. He's overwhelmed by all this when suddenly, Audrumple II wilts.)

Munku: Oh boy, not again.

Bustopher (muffled): Agh, my back!

Munku: Look Twoie, I'm all out of paws. (holds up heavily bandaged paws). Give me some time to heal.

Matt: Tugger, you're on.

Tugger: Oh. Sorry. (voice deepens) FEEEED MEEEE.

Munku: I beg your pardon?

Tugger (still offstage): FEEED MEEE! (Bustopher makes the plant's mouth move in sync with Tugger's words.)

Bustopher: At least my colleagues at the Senior Educational can't see this.

Munku: OK, I'll go down to Shmendrick's and give you some ground round.

Tugger: Must be blood. Must be fresh. (breaks into song) FEED ME.

Munku: Does it have to be human?

Tugger: FEED ME.

Munku: Does it have to be mine?

Tugger: FEED ME!

Munku: Where am I supposed to get it?

Tugger: Feed me Seymunku, feed me all night long. That's right boy, you can do it, feed me Seymunku, feed me all night long, 'cause if you feed me Seymunku, I can grow up BIG and STRONG!

Munku: What do you want me to do, go around killing people?

Tugger: I'll make it worth your while.

Munku: How? You're an inanimate object!

Tugger: Does this look inanimate to you, punk?

Jenny: That's the most animated I've seen Bustopher in years!

Jelly: It's like there's a much younger cat in there!

Bustopher: Wheeeee! I'm actually having fun!

Matt: Misto, did YOU have something to do with this? Bustopher was complaining about his back earlier!

(Misto just smiles.)

(Anyhow, Audrumple II corrupts Seymunku into killing Dr. Macavity....so naturally, Seymunku sets up an appointment at the demented dentist's office...and conceals a gun in his fur.)

*We cut to the dentist's office*

Mac: NEEEEEXT! Who's next?!

Munku: Me. Seymunku Krelboined. We met yesterday.

Mac: Oh yeah, the plant guy! We'll pull some of those little buggers out of your mouth right now....but first, I'll need some gas.

Munku: Oh, thank the Everlasting Cat!

Mac: Not for you....for me. (whips out a Super-Powered Gas Mask and inhales nitrous oxide, making him laugh hysterically. However, the mask gets stuck.)

Mac: Don't....be....fooled if I should giggle like a sappy happy dope, it's just the gas, it turns me on, but don't let my mirth deceive you, any moment I'll be gone...

(It starts to REALLY get hot inside that mask, so Mac just cuts to the chase.)

Mac:
All my vital signs are failing

'cause the oxide I'm inhaling

makes it difficult as hell to catch my breath

...ARE YOU DUMB OR HARD OF HEARING,

OR RELIEVED MY END IS NEARING? ARE YOU SATISFIED?

I've....laughed...my....self....to..............DEATH! *collapses*

*fade to black*

Matt: Anyone seen Macavity?

Jelly: He bolted as soon as the lights blacked out. Something about restoring his dyed fur.

All: MACAVITY'S NOT THERE!

Cut back to Gusnik's, Seymunku is feeding body parts (actually mannequin limbs left over in the junkyard) to Audrumple II.

Tugger: More! More! M-m-m-more!

(a loud belch is heard)

Bustopher: Was that you, Tugger, or was it me?

END OF ACT ONE

Bustopher: Thank goodness. I MUST take a break. All this "Feed Me" talk is making me hungry!

One person is sitting in the back of the theater, clapping.

Misto: Who's that? Who's there?

Veroni: (disguising her voice and hiding in the shadows) The phantom of the parody!

Jelly: (flicks on the house lights) Hi Veroni!

Veroni: Drat. Go break.. whatever. My fun is wrecked now anyway.