(Matt and Juliet have decorated the junkyard to look like a royal Siamese palace from the 1860's. And naturally, the cats are griping about it.)

POUNCIVAL: Good Heavyside, Matt, I thought you were done after "The Music Tom"!

TUGGER: Yeah, I thought you had a 10-fic minimum!

MATT: Yeah, but I would miss working with you guys!

MISTOFFOLEES: You mean torturing us.

MATT: Besides, as long as there are great plays, expect SOMEONE to make you do them.

MISTO: That's what I was afraid of.

(Macavity runs up to Matt.)

MACAVITY: Oh, Matt, thank the Everlasting Cat you gave me a part where nothing bad happens! I'm the King of Siam, WOO-HOO! Can't injure a male lead!

MATT: Uh, remember what happened in "Rocky Tugger"? And something DOES happen to you!

MAC: (flips ahead in his script) Ah shucks. At least I'll go peacefully.

POUNCE: That's what HE thinks!

(A sudden stream of Siamese cats enters the junkyard. At the end of the procession is Cassandra.)

MATT: Cassandra, WHAT GIVES?

CASSANDRA: Well, this play is all about Siam, and since we don't have enough cats to play wives, chorus cats, and so on, I brought all eighty-seven of my relatives to be extras!

MATT: I appreciate your authenticity, Cass, but I know from Siamese cats, and they can cause trouble...

(Bustopher Jones approaches them, and he is ripping mad.)

BUSTOPHER JONES: Cassandra, tell your relatives that I AM NOT A BUTLER!

CASS: It's just that your coat is a bit, well, butlerish, and they're used to butlers...being Siamese cats, pets of the royalty and all...

MATT: Oh boy. Let's just get this show on the road before Cassandra's relatives act like they own the place...ACTION!

(We're on the deck of a ship. It's approaching the Gulf of Siam. Captain Guston...well, it's really Gus in his Growltiger costume, minus the eyepatch.)

POUNCE: Eyepatch or no eyepatch, he probably thinks he's going to New Jersey instead of Siam!

GUS: My sense of direction is not on trial here, Carbucketty!

CARBUCKETTY: Er, Gus, Pouncival said that, not me.

(ANYWAY...soon a young kitten, Tumblelouis, runs on.)

TUMBLEBRUTUS: What is it with dressing me in sissy clothes?

(gets into character)

GUS: Hello, laddy.

TUMBLE: How near are we to Bangkok, Captain?

GUS: See that cluster of lights jutting out into the river? I can't, because of my cataracts...

MATT: GUS!!!!

GUS: Sorry. (gets back into character) That's it. That's Bangkok.

(Tumblelouis notices the crates and boxes on the deck of the boat.)

TUMBLE: Oh look! All our boxes!

GUS: Aye, and a fair lot they are!

TUMBLE: We packed everything we had in our Singapore house, furniture and everything!

(A queen calls offstage...it is Anna Jelleonowens.)

JELLY: Tumblelouis, where are you?

TUMBLE: (runs to meet her as she enters, but he gets a little too much momentum and runs right into her. Once they've picked themselves up...) Mother! Mother, look! There's Bangkok! Do you see, Mother? That cluster of lights that sticks out into the river? You see, Mother? That's Bangkok!

JELLY: I see, Tumblelouis, I see them. It's exciting, isn't it?

TUMBLE: Will the King of Siam come down to the dock to meet us?

JELLY: The King himself? I don't think so. Kings don't as a rule.

GUS: I wonder if you know what you're facing, Ma'am--an Englishwoman here in the East...

TUMBLE: Look, Mother! Look at that boat! Look at the dragon's head in the bow, and all the toms standing up, carrying torches!

GUS: That's the Royal Barge!

ELECTRA: No it's not, it's just Bustopher Jones. But that is Queen Elizabeth's pet name for him...

BUSTOPHER: YOUNG LADY! I beg your pardon!

TUMBLE: Do you suppose that's the King, the tom sitting under the gold canopy?

GUS: That's the Munkrahalome. Sort of "Prime Minister"--the King's right hand tom, you might say.

JELLY: Do you suppose he's coming out to meet us?

GUS: No doubt of it. They'll be waiting till we pass them. Then they'll come around our stern. Ma'am...if I might be allowed to offer you a word of warning....

POUNCE: That we have an insane director who is making us share quarters with a bunch of prissy Siamese cats....so anything goes!

JELLY: What is it, Captain?

GUS: That man has power, and he can use it for you or against you.

JELLY: Oh.

GUS: I think you should know.

(A distant sound is heard, it is the oarstoms of the Royal Barge. The oarstoms are whatever backstage cats we could find and stuff in the Siamese Cat costumes from "Growltiger's Last Stand", plus a few of Cassandra's relatives.)

TUMBLE: Look, Mother! They're closer! (looks closer) Mother! The Prime Minister is naked!

JELLY: Hush, Tumblelouis, that's not a nice word. He's not naked. (She looks.) Well, he's half-naked.

MUNKUSTRAP: I'M NOT NAKED! I have fur, see?

TUGGER: Yeah, but what's under the fur?

MUNKU: GRRRR!

TUMBLE: They all look rather horrible, don't they, Mother? (he draws himself a bit closer)

BACKSTAGE CATS: Awwwwwww.

TUMBLE: WILL YA LET ME DO THIS? It's embarrasing enough as it is!

(back into character) Father would have not liked us to be afraid, would he?

JELLY: No, Tumblelouis. Father would not have liked us to be afraid.

TUMBLE: Mother, does anything ever frighten you?

JELLY: Just our director...and Grizabella when she's having a bad day.

MATT: JELLYLORUM! THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS!

JELLY: Sorry. (back into character) Sometimes.

TUMBLE: What do you do?

JELLY: I whistle.

TUMBLE: Oh, so that's why you whistle?

JELLY: Yes, that's why I whistle...

(sings)

Whenever I feel afraid

I hold my head erect

And whistle a happy tune...

MAC: Ah, so now I can recognize you in the dark.

(Juliet leads the female queens in assaulting Macavity for that remark.)

MATT: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, hold on, lay off him, we need him intact!

DEMETER: BUT DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE JUST SAID?!

MATT: Yes, and I don't agree with it. But beat him up AFTER the parody!

(Well, anyway, since we just blew that happy little song, let's just get to the part where an interpreter--Plato--and four slave cats step over the railing.)

PLATO: Good evening sir. Welcome to Siam.

TUMBLE: He called you sir!

JELLY: Hush, dear! Hush!

(Munkrahalome comes up to the rail and addresses the interpreter in Siamese. Since there is no Siamese spoken in this play, for continuity's sake, any Siamese will be spoken as what humans interpret as a series of meows, purrs, growls, and hisses.)

PLATO: Sir, his Excellency wishes to know--are you queen who will be schoolmistress of royal kittens?

JELLY: Yes.

PLATO: Have you any friends in Bangkok?

JELLY: I know no one in Bangkok at all.

PLATO: Are you married, sir?

JELLY: I am a widow.

PLATO: What manner of man your deceased husband?

JELLY: My husband was an officer of Her Majesty's Army is...Tell your master his business with me is in my capacity of schoolteacher to the royal kittens. He has no right to pry into my personal affairs! (Captain Guston tries to stop her, but she doesn't listen.) Well, he hasn't, Captain Guston!

(The interpreter gives Munkrahalome her message. Munkrahalome kicks the interpreter on his shoulder, sending him out of the way. However, Plato slips and falls into the orchestra pit, landing headfirst into the same tuba Rumpleteazer, Pouncival, and Jemima have all fallen in at one time or another.)

MUNKU: (trying not to laugh at Plato's predicament) In foreign country is best you like everyone...until you leave.

JELLY: Your Excellency, I had no idea you spoke English.

MUNKU: It is not necessary for you to know everything at once. You come with me now. Your boxes are carried to palace--later.

JELLY: No. Not to the palace. I am not living at the palace.

MUNKU: Who say?

JELLY: The King say...SAYS! The King has promised me twenty pounds a month and a house of my own.

MUNKU: King do not always remember what he promise. If I tell him he break his promise, I will make anger in him...(under his breath) although I could play kickball with his butt. (in full voice) I think it is better I make anger in him about larger matters.

LEC: "Larger matters"? Leave Bustopher Jones out of this!

(Anyway, the next scene takes place in the royal palace. The King--Macavity--)

JULIE: Small problem here, Matt. Mac's got quite the head of hair. How did you work it out so he'd resemble Yul Brynner?

MATT: Simple. He's still wearing the bandages on his head from that anvil shot he got at the end of "The Music Tom". It works.

(...The King is sitting cross-legged on a table, dictating letters to his secretary, Phra Alonz...)

ALONZO: OK, that's it. I'm not playing an underling to HIM!

MAC: I actually kind of like the idea!

ALONZO: Yeah right, abuse me mentally AND physically!

MUNKU: I have to agree with him here, tenfold. Remember, I'm his underling in this production too...

MATT: MAY WE GET ON WITH THE SCENE, PLEASE?!

(Anyway, a group of Siamese queens--more of Cass's relatives--are dancing, and the King barely pays attention to them. He clicks his paws, and Phra Alonz and the dancers run off. Munkrahalome enters.)

MUNKU: Your (shudders) Majesty...

MAC: Well, well, well?

MUNKU: I have been meaning to speak to you about English schoolteacher. She is waiting to see you.

MAC: She is in Siam? How long?

MUNKU: Two weeks, three weeks. She has needed disciplining, Your Majesty. She objects to living in palace. Talks about house she say you promise her.

MAC: I do not recollect such promise. Tell her I will see her. I will see her in a moment.

(As he says this, a young tom, Lun Tug, enters.)

Who? Who? Who?

MUNKU: Your Majesty, this is Lun Tug, emissary from court of Burma.

JEMIMA: Er, Jennyanydots, isn't Burma called Myanmar?

JENNY: Very good, dear, you remembered your geography! Well, it is, but back then it was called Burma!

MATT: YOUR geography lesson, OUR audience getting bored...

JENNY: (sticks her tongue out at him)

(Back on stage, the King is greeting Lun Tug...)

MAC: Ah! You are here for copying of famous Bangkok temple. (to Munkrahalome) I have give permission.

MUNK: He brings you present from Prince of Burma.

(It is a young queen, Casstim, being brought in on a cart by four slave-cats.)

MAC: Am I to trust ruler of Burma? Am I to trust this present they send me, or is she a spy?

CASS: I am not a spy...I am not even a Burmese cat, I'm a Siamese, for Pete's sake...

MATT: CASSANDRA!!!!! Where in the script does it say that?

CASS: Just wanted to clear things up for you. (back into character)... My name is Casstim. You are pleased that I speak English? My name is Casstim.

(The King gives her the once-over most drunken guys give girls in a singles bar, and Munkrahalome makes her turn around. The King scopes her out, looks at Munkrahalome and walks off.)

MUNKU: King is pleased with you. He likes you!

(He then dismisses Lun Tug, who casts a look at Casstim. She then looks at where the King left...and she's a bit peeved...)

JENNY: Well, THAT'S an understatement.

(...and she begins to sing.)

CASS: The King is pleased!

He is pleased with me!

My lord and master

Declares he's pleased with me

What does he mean?

What does he know of me

This lord and master?

When has he looked at me

What has he seen?

Something young

Something slim

Painted cheek

Tapering limb

Smiling lips

All for him

Eyes that shine

Just for him

So he thinks...

Just for him!

Though the man may be

My Lord and MAAAAAAASTER...

(A loud crash is heard.)

BUSTOPHER: Well, that's the end of THAT monocle...

CASS: Oops.

MATT: Oops doesn't cover it! Bustopher could have lost an eye!

(Well, anyway, Casstim finishes her song, and the King enters again.)

CASS: Your Majesty wishes me to leave?

MAC: I will tell you when I wish you to leave.

JENNY: Why that son of a...(begins to lunge at Macavity)

JULIE: Down girl. I don't agree with it either, but it's just a play!

(Munkrahalome brings Anna in, flanked by two Amazon cats.)

MUNKU: Schoolteacher.

(Anna curtseys before the King.)

Madame Jelleonowens.

MAC: You are schoolteacher?

JELLY: Yes, Your Majesty, I am schoolteacher. When can I start my work?

MAC: You can start when I tell you to start.

JELLY: There is one matter we have to settle, Your Majesty...

MAC: You are part of general plan I have for bringing to Siam what is good in Western culture. Already I have bring printing press here--for printing.

VICKY: Well, DUH!

POUNCE: Of course it's for printing. What would they use it for--washing?

JELLY: Yes, I know, Your Majesty.

MAC: How you know?

JELLY: Before I signed our agreement, I found out all I could about Your Majesty's ambitions for Siam.

MAC: HA! This is scientific. You are pleased with your apartments in palace?

JELLY: They...are quite comfortable, Your Majesty. For the time being. But my young son and I have found it rather...confining...with Amazon cats guarding the doors and not permitting us to leave.

MAC: Strangers cannot be allowed to roam around palace before presentment to King. You could look out of windows!

JELLY: Yes, Your Majesty, we have done that. We have seen New Year celebrations, royal cremation ceremonies, etcetera, etcetera...

ETCETERA: You called?

MATT: NOT YOU, ETCETERA!

MAC: What is this "etcetera"?

CET: Jeez, Mac, that anvil must have hit you REALLY hard on the head!

JELLY: Again we say, NOT YOU! (back into character) According to the dictionary, it means, "and the rest"...

POUNCE: (sings) Here on Gilligan's Isle!

MATT: *puts his head in his paws, and Juliet reaches to give him some Excedrin*

(Anyhow, since this scene is being torn to shreds... let's just cut to the chase...)

JELLY: How many kittens have you, Your Majesty?

MAC: I have only 67 altogether.

OLD DEUTERONOMY: Great, Macavity, you kidnap me, then you steal my Viagra!

JEMI: EWWWW!

MAC: (still in character) I begin very late. But you shall not teach all of them. You shall teach only kittens of mothers who are in favor of King... (at this, Lady Grizang enters, and bows down VERY low before the King.)

Ah! Lady Grizang! Madame Jelleonowens, this is Lady Grizang, head wife.

(Lady Grizang rises and begins to sing...)

GRIZABELLA: There is a happy land, far, far away

Where saints in glory stand, bright, bright as day.

Silent music starts to play...

Meeeeeemory, all aloooooone in the moooooonliiiiight...

(Juliet quickly rushes on stage and gives Griz her pill.)

JULIE: 'Scuse me, folks. (runs offstage)

GRIZ: (back in character) In the beginning the Everlasting Cat created the heaven and the earth.

Mis-son-ary.

JELLY: A missionary taught you English!

POUNCE: Yeah, and possibly some showbiz divas too!

MISTO: Nah, she was just having flashbacks again. It happens when she's in the spotlight for too long.

MAC: Lady Grizang, you will heelp Madame Jelleonowens with her schoolteaching, and she in her turn shall teach you the better English.

(Lady Grizang bows down at the feet of the King yet again. Anna is a bit shocked, but the King explains...)

She is grateful to me for my kindness.

JELLY: I see. Your Majesty, in our agreement, you...

MAC: (finding someone else to push around) You, Casstim. You already speak well the English. (to Anna) She arrive today. She is present to me from Burma prince.

JELLY: SHE is a present?

CASS: Madame, you have English books I can read?

JELLY: Of course I have.

CASS: I wish most to read book called "The Small House of Uncle Thomas". Is by American lady, Harriet Beecher Stowe.

JENNY: And for those of you at home, that's "Uncle Tom's Cabin".

MAC: A QUEEN has written a book?

JELLY: A very wonderful book, Your Majesty. All about slavery...

MAC: HA! President Lingkong against slavery, no? Me too. Slavery very bad thing.

(Anna notices Lady Grizang, still bowing down to the King. The King snaps his claws and she gets up.)

MAC: I think you will teach my wives too--those wives who are in favor.

OLD D: Now THIS I can relate to. After all, I've had 99 wives. I remember the third one, Everlasting Cat, did I love her! Her name was Isadora, but her humans called her Duchess. She looked a bit like you, Jemima. Good Heavyside, was she a knockout... (continues rambling as the play goes on)

(Meanwhile, onstage, in the ensuing dialogue, some of the King's wives are watching. Anna finally calls the King out about her house, and he gets upset and delivers this ultimatum--live in the Palace or don't teach the children at all. She finally conforms to his whims, and he and Casstim leave. The wives all enter and try to lift up Anna's hoop skirt.)

JELLY: For goodness' sake! What is the matter? What are they trying to do to me?

GRIZ: They think you wear big skirt like that because you shaped like that.

JELLY: Well, I'm not! (lifts her hoop skirt to prove it. However, it closes on Cassandra's first cousin Contessa, who was playing one of the wives.)

CONTESSA: HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

(Jellylorum lifts the skirt up and Contessa gets out.)

(Anyway, two of the wives meow at Lady Grizang.)

GRIZ: They wish to know, sir, if you have kittens?

JELLY: One little tom.

GRIZ: I have tom too...Crown Prince Chowfa Carbalongkorn, heir to throne. I would be happy if you teach kittens.

JELLY: I would like to very much. I came all the way here form Singapore to do so, but I really cannot...

VERONI: COFFEE BREAK!!

(Cats recognise a "How to Succeed.." cue and line up at the coffee urn. Skimble skampers up and pounds on the lid)

SKIMBLE: There's no coffee!

CATS: NO COFFEE? Ahhhh!!! (scream and run around)

CET: (appears in her Smitty costume and stalks across the stage, singing) If I can't make three daily trips

Where shining shrine benignly drips

And taste cardboard between my lips

SOMETHING WITHIN ME DIES!

VERONI: You won't just be dead on the inside when I get through with you guys! This is "The King and I", not H2$!

CET: Although the shameless plug for your High School musical is kinda fit neatly in there....

VERONI: Darn tootin'.

SKIMBLE: This is great ladies, but I really DO want some coffee, so if you don't mind... (scampers off with the rest in search of some caffinated glory).