MATT: All right gang, let's get back to the parody at hand!

POUNCE: And why, pray tell, did we have such a long break?

MATT: Because I needed to produce the award show.

POUNCE: That's another thing. Since Munkustrap won that Best Male Performance award, he's been on...well, sort of an ego trip.

TUMBLE: SORT OF an ego trip? THAT'S the understatement of the year!

(Munkustrap walks in, wearing sunglasses and a GOLD medallion around his stud collar.)

MUNKU: Clear the way for a winner! And by the way, Matt, I INSIST that you bill me as "The Tommy Award-Winning Munkustrap" from here on in!

MATT: Uh, OK.

MUNKU: And by the way, do I have to finish my part in here? I'd rather be the King...

MATT: Uh-uh. I gave up on the old "kitty thespian switch" after "Rocky Tugger". Now do your part or....I could easily send you back to Veroni to finish "You're A Good Tom, Munklie Brown"!

MUNKU: Eep.

(ANYWAY, when we last left off, Anna Jelleonowens had just been presented to the King of Siam, and after meeting his wives, including the head wife, Lady Grizang, she was appalled to find out that they think queens are more lowly than toms...which makes Lady Grizang panic...)

GRIZ: Please, sir, do not tell the King. Make King angry.

JELLY: King seems to be angry already. (thinks about Casstim) That lovely queen. He said she was a present...

GRIZ: From court of Burma. I think she love another tom. If so she will never see other tom again.

JELLY: Poor kitten!

GRIZ: Oh no, sir! She is foolish child, to wish for another tom when she have King!

JELLY: But you can't help wishing for a tom, if he's the tom you want.

GRIZ: It is strange for schoolteacher to talk so...romantic.

POUNCE: And it is vomit-inducing to hear such sappy talk!

VICKY: You know something, Pouncival, you have no sense of romance. No wonder you can't keep a queen for more than thirty minutes!

POUNCE: Hey, I'm a kitten! Whadya want from me at such a young age, commitment?

(So anyway...Anna has a flashback to when her husband was still alive, and begins to sing...)

JELLY: Hello young lovers, whoever you are

I hope your troubles are few.

All my good wishes go with you tonight

I've been in love like you.

Be brave, young lovers, and follow your star,

Be brave and faithful and true...

TUGGER: Brave AND faithful? Can't I be one or the other?

JELLY: Cling very close to each other tonight,

I've been in love like you.

I know how it feels to have wings on your claws...

BUSTOPHER: Well, that would make it easier for me to catch breakfast!

JELLY: And to fly down the street in a trance

You fly down a street on the chance that you'll meet

And you meet--not really by chance.

Don't cry, young lovers, whatever you do,

Don't cry because I'm alone.

All of my memories are happy tonight...

GRIZ: Meeeeemory, all alone in the mooooonlight...

JULIE: I should really talk to her veterinarian about upping her medication dosage.

JELLY: I've had a love of my own,

I've had a love of my own, like yours,

I've had a love of my own!

(A loud gong is heard.)

JENNY: Come now. Her singing wasn't THAT bad.

(The King enters)

MAC: The kittens! The kittens! They come for presentment to schoolteacher!

MATT: (hands out two kazoos to Munkustrap and Alonzo) Here guys, play these for the next number.

MUNKU: I'm an AWARD WINNER! Me, blow on a KAZOO?! Well, I never!

MATT: Just do it, OK, Munkustrap?

MUNKU: OK, but I'm doing this under protest.

ALONZO: It's bad enough that we play underlings to Macavity, but now we have to blow into kazoos to boot?!

VICKY: Turnabout is fair play! HA!

JELLY: But Your Majesty, we have not solved my problem...

MAC: Silence! You will stand here to meet royal kittens.

JELLY: Very well, Your Majesty.

MAC: The Royal Princes and Princesses!

(As the kittens enter--whatever cats didn't already have major parts that were young enough, plus part of Cassandra's Siamese kitty surplus--we hear a processional, played by Munkustrap and Alonzo, on their kazoos. Anna has become more and more attached to the children. Finally, Crown Prince Carbalongkorn enters, and Anna starts to hug all of them.)

JULIE: Awwww, they are soooo sweet! Such angels!

MATT: Uh, Juliet, POUNCIVAL is in that group somewhere...

JULIE: Never mind.

POUNCE: Hey, I heard that!

(So anyway, we go to the next scene. A group of priests are chanting--more of Cass's family--and the kittens enter singing "Home Sweet Home"...that song that goes "be it ever so humble, there's no place like home". The King enters and collars Carbalongkorn out of the line...)

CARB: Father, I shall be late for school.

MAC: You wait! Please to recite proverb you have learned yesterday and writing down twelve times in your copybook.

CARB: "Help. I am being held hostage by an insane director."

MATT: NOT THAT ONE!

CARB: Sorry. "A thought for the day: East or West, home is best."

MAC: East, West, home best. Means house! Every day for many, many months! Always something about house! Are my kittens to be taught nothing more?

CARB: Yesterday we are taught that the world is a round ball which spins on a stick through the middle.

POUNCE: Kind of like Bustopher Jones' stomach.

BUSTOPHER: GRRRR! (however, he's lying down and he's too fat and lazy to get up and chase Pouncival)

CARB: Everyone knows that the world rides on the back of a great turtle, who keeps it from running it into the stars.

MAC: How can it be that everyone knows one thing, if many people believe another thing?

GEORGE: I find it hard to believe that Macavity is trying to be philosophical.

DEMETER: Yeah, especially since his brain cells are probably scrambled from all the abuse he's gone through in these parodies!

CARB: Then which is true?

MAC: The world is a ball with stick through it...I believe.

CARB: You believe? Does that mean you do not know? (no answer here) But you must know because you are King!

MAC: Good. Some day you, too, will be King, and you too will know everything.

MISTO: Is this "The King and I" or "The Lion King"?

CARB: But how do I learn? And when do I know that I know everything?

MISTO: I could whip up a magic spell that could do that for you really easily...

MAC: When you are King. Now leave me.

MATT: Macavity, this is my favorite song in the whole show. You goof this up and I'll...I'll...good Heavyside, he's been through so much I can't think of a good threat for him.

(Carbalongkorn leaves for school, leaving the King alone with his thoughts.)

MACL When you are King...but I do not know. I am not sure. I am not sure of anything!

(sings)

When I was a kitten

World was better spot

What was so was so

What was not was not.

Now I am a tom--

World have change a lot

Some things NEARLY so,

Others NEARLY not!

There are times I almost think I am not sure of what I absolutely know,

Very often find confusion in conclusion I concluded long ago,

In my head are many facts that as a student I have studied to procure,

In my head are many facts of which I wish I was more certain I was sure!

DEM: Most of which have probably been lost due to repeated heavy objects falling on his head.

MAC: (glares at Demeter, then continues)

Is a puzzlement! What to tell a growing son!

What, for instance shall I say to him of queens?

Shall I educate him on the ancient lines?

Shall I tell the tom, as far as he is able,

To respect his wives and love his concubines?

Shall I tell him every one is like the other,

And the better one of two is really neither?

If I tell him this I think he won't believe it--

And I nearly think I don't believe it either!

MATT: Wow, Jennyanydots has been really quiet during this song!

JULIE: I'll see what she's up to...

MAC: When my father was a King, he was a King who knew exactly what he knew,

And his brain was not a thing forever swinging to and fro and fro and to,

Shall I, then, be like my father, and be willfully unmovable and strong?

Or is it better to be right? Or am I right when I believe I may be wrong?

Shall I join with other nations in alliance?

If allies are weak, am I not best alone?

If allies are strong with power to protect me,

Might they not protect me out of all I own?

Is a danger to be trusting one another,

One will seldom want to do what other wishes...

But unless omseday somebody trust somebody,

There'll be nothing left on Earth excepting fishes!

There are times I almost think nobody sure of what he absolutely know...

Everybody find confusion in conclusion he concluded long ago!

And it puzzle me to learn that though a tom may be in doubt of what he know,

Very quickly will he fight, he'll fight to prove that what he does not know is so!

(At this point, Macavity is getting really into this song, much like Celine Dion at the Oscars. But instead of thumping his chest, Macavity knocks over any props that stand in his way, as well as any cats that stand in his way...)

MAC: Ohhhhhh!

Sometimes I think that cats are going mad!

Ahhhhhh!

Sometimes I think that cats are not so bad!

But no matter what I think, I must go on living life

Be father to my children, each husband, each wife (knocks over some of Cass's relatives on these words)

Etcetera, etcetera, and so forth! (knocks over another of Cass's relatives who is playing a guard. The King drops to his knees)

If my lord in Heaven, Buddha, show the way,

Every day I try to live another day,

If my lord in Heaven, Buddha, show the way,

Every day I do my best for one more day!

(stands back up)

BUT...IS....A PUZZLEMENT!!!!

(He stretches his front legs out, knocking over everything within reach, nearly demolishing the set.)

MAC: Did I overdo that much?

OTHER CATS: Oh, just a BIT!

(We now go to the schoolroom. The royal kittens are being taught by Anna, as well as the wives. Tumblelouis is also with them. After they sing their school song, Lady Grizang goes to the map with a pointer.)

GRIZ: Blue is ocean. Red--Siam.

(The royal kittens give an enthusiastic reaction to Siam...in this case, most of them are dragging...)

POUNCE: (very unenthusiastically) Yay.

GRIZ: Here is King of Siam. (she shows a picture of a heavily armored Macavity) In right paw is weapon--show how he destroy all who fight him.

POUNCE: (still unenthusiastic, while the other kittens are tuned out) Yay.

GRIZ: Green--Burma. (glares at Casstim)

Here--King of Burma. (shows a very short-haired cat)

Hardly any fur mean how poor is King of Burma.

(One of Cassandra's relatives, her cousin Fortune, emits a small giggle)

JELLY: Thank you, Lady Grizang. Will you take my chair?

(Lady Grizang sits down)

The map you have been looking at is an old one. Today, we have a surprise. Tumblelouis?

(Tumblelouis rolls down a new map.)

A new map--just arrived from England. It is a gift to us from His Majesty, your King.

WIVES & KITTENS: The Lord of Light!

JELLY: Er...yes, the Lord of Light.

TUMBLE: (now with the pointer) The white is Siam.

(Since it's a world map, Siam is a lot smaller!)

CARB: Siam not so small!

TUMBLE: Wait! Let me show you England. (he points) See! It is even smaller than Siam...(he loses his grip on the pointer and it slips and nails Fortune.)

FORTUNE: Ow! Watch it you klutz!

TUMBLE: Sorry 'bout that.

FORTUNE: Cousin Cassandra! Tumblebrutus hiiiit meeeee!

CASS: TUMBLEBRUTUS!!!!

TUMBLE: I didn't mean it...

CASS: YOU NEVER MEAN IT! You didn't mean it when you told Old Deuteronomy you wanted to break up with him and gave Jemima your choice for who you wanted to go to the Heavyside Layer!

MISTO: And THAT was our Roger Corman Cult Film Reference of the Fic!

JELLY: For many years, before I came here, Siam was to me that little white spot. Now I have lived here for more than a year. I have met the cats of Siam. And I am learning to understand them.

FORTUNE: You like us?

JELLY: I like you very much. Very much indeed.

TUGGER: Song cue if I ever heard one!

(Anna sings the beginning of the next song, but we'll just cut to the chorus here...)

JELLY: Getting to know you,

Getting to know all about you...

Getting to like you,

Getting to hope you like me.

MISTO: Why is it that every time I hear this song I have the urge to drive a Geo?

JELLY: Getting to know you

Putting it my way, but nicely,

You are precisely

My cup of tea!

Getting to know you

Getting to feel free and easy

When I am with you

Getting to know what do say

Haven't you noticed

Suddenly I'm bright and breezy

Because of all the beautiful and new things I'm learning about you,

Day by day.

(So anyway, there's more dialogue here, and the kittens and wives learn about snow, and the King comes in and there's another dispute about Anna's house. Meanwhile, in another corner of the junkyard, Juliet is approaching Jennyanydots, who is hard at work, making something out of a lot of old junk.)

JULIE: Hey Jen, what's cooking?

JENNY: Just a little light construction work.

JULIE: Whatcha making?

JENNY: Oh, just a little something to give Macavity his come-uppance.

JULIE: Looks like a catapult.

JENNY: Oh yeah. Mac's spewed out a lot of anti-feminist drivel in this play. This'll teach him not to get too into his part...

JULIE: What'll you do with it?

JENNY: (whispers something into Juliet's ear. Juliet grins.)

(Meanwhile, on stage, the kittens are upset that the King and Anna have fought, and Anna decides to go back to England. After he leaves, Casstim enters, and soon after comes her boyfriend, Lun Tug.)

TUGGER: (who was in the middle of making out with Bombalurina) DO I HAVE TO COME ON NOW?!! I'm...er, busy! I thought my character was forgotten about. She's got the King, she doesn't need me...

MATT: TUGGER!!! GET OUT THERE!!!!!

TUGGER: (to Bombalurina) Uh, sit tight babe, and stay in that position.

MATT: NOW!

TUGGER: (in character) Where is Mrs. Anna?

CASS: She will not be with us ever again. She has quarreled with the King.

TUGGER: How can we meet if she is not with us? Mrs. Anna was our only friend, and...

CASS: We cannot be seen talking like this. Anyone can come in. Pretend you wait for her.

TUGGER: If only we could stop pretending! (sings at a rather accelerated pace, because he really wants to get back to Bombalurina)

We kiss in a shadow,

We hide from the moon,

Our meetings are few

And over too soon.

We speak in a whisper

Afraid to be heard,

When cats are near

We speak not a word!

Alone in our secret,

Together we sigh,

For one smiling day to be free

To kiss in the sunlight

And say to the sky,

"Behold and believe what you see!

Behold how my lover loves me!"

(speaks)

Casstim, when can we meet? When?

CASS: It is not possible. We cannot meet alone ever--not ever.

(Lady Grizang sneaks in at the back, then walks off again after spying on the couple. Casstim realizes someone is watching them, and sends Lun Tug on his way.)

TUGGER: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT! (to Bomb) Here kitty kitty...

(So anyway, after a cute interchange between Tumblelouis and Prince Carbalongkorn, and a long song from Anna where she basically carves the King a new rear end...Lady Grizang enters Anna's quarters...)

JELLY: Who is it?

GRIZ: Mrs. Anna, it is I, Lady Grizang.

JELLY: At this hour of the night! Come in, Lady Grizang.

GRIZ: Mrs. Anna, will you go to King?

JELLY: Now? Has he sent for me?

GRIZ: No. But he would be glad to see you. He is deeply wounded tom. No one has ever spoken to him as you did today in schoolroom.

JELLY: Lady Grizang, no one has ever behaved to ME as His Majesty did in the schoolroom!

(Juliet and Jennyanydots are standing by with their catapult.)

JULIE: Now, Jen?

JENNY: No, at the end of the play!

GRIZ: And there is more distressing thing. Our agents in Singapore have found letters to British government from cats whose greedy eyes are on Siam. They describe King as a barbarian, and suggest making Siam a protectorate.

JELLY: That is outrageous! He is many things I don't like, but he is not a barbarian.

GRIZ: Then you will help him?

MUNKU: Look who's talking!

JELLY: You mean, advise him?

GRIZ: It must not sound like advice. King cannot take advice. And if you go to him, he will not bring up subject. You must bring it up.

POUNCE: I've got some advice for you--CALL A LUNCH BREAK!

JELLY: I cannot go to him. It's against all my principles. Certainly not without having his asked for me.

GRIZ: He wish to be new-blood King with Western ideas.

(Macavity gallops by, holding a stick horse, wearing a spare "Oklahomeow!" costume.)

MAC: YEE-HA!

MATT: NOT THAT KIND OF WESTERN...sheesh, I must really be putting him through a lot.

MAC: Hey, both shows are by the same composers!

MATT: That's as may be, but that was REALLY out of place.

GRIZ: (still staying in character) But it is hard for him, Mrs. Anna. And there is something else...Princess Casstim. I do not tell him, for his sake. I deal with this my own way. But for these other things, he need help, Mrs. Anna.

JELLY: He has you.

GRIZ: I am not equal to his special needs. He could be great tom. But he need special help. He need you.

BACKSTAGE CATS except for POUNCE: Awwwww.

POUNCE: *gag*

JELLY: Lady Grizang, please don't think I am being stubborn. But I simply cannot go to him. I will not!

GRIZ: What more can I say to you?

JULIE: If ANYONE does ANYTHING during this song, I will make you wish you had never been BORN!

GRIZ: (sings)

This is a tom who thinks with his heart,

His heart is not always wise.

This is a tom who stumbles and falls,

But this is a tom who tries.

This is a tom you'll forgive and forgive,

And help and protect as long as you live...

BACKSTAGE CATS: (sing) Climb ev'ry mountain, ford ev'ry stream...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! WRONG COMPOS...wait, right composers!

(Juliet didn't hear that remark, as she is too caught up in Griz's performance.)

GRIZ: (continues) He will not always say

What you would have him say

But now and then he'll say something wonderful,

The thoughtless things he'll do

Will hurt and worry you

Then all at once he'll do something wonderful,

He has a thousand dreams

That won't come true.

You know that he believes in them

And that's enough for you.

You'll always go along,

Defend him when he's wrong

And tell him, when he's strong

He is wonderful!

He'll always need your love

And so he'll get your love

A man who needs your love

Can be wonderful!

JENNY: Oh, PLEASE!

(sings)

I'd like to neuter him,

I'd like to torture him,

To me that just would be

Something wonderful...

JULIE: Well, at least Griz did a beautiful job with the song.

JENNY: That's as may be, but I'm still not too cool with the sentiment.

(Anyway, the song convinces Anna, and she goes to the King.)

JELLY: Please. I don't want to hear that dumb song again either!

(Another scene takes place, between Munkrahalome and Lady Grizang.)

MUNKU: Excuse me, but I wish to be referred to as...

OTHER CATS: THE TOMMY AWARD-WINNING MUNKUSTRAP! We know, we know!

MUNKU: And let's hurry this scene up, cats, I am expecting an important call...

(gets back into character)

Did you succeed? Will she go to him?

GRIZ: She will go. She knows he needs her. Tell him.

MUNKU: I will tell him she is anxious to come. I will tell him it is she who needs him.

GRIZ: That will also be true.

(Munkrahalome leaves, and Lady Grizang sings again)

She'll always go along

Defend him when he's wrong

And tell him when he's strong

He is... (a cellular phone goes off)

MUNKU: That'd be me. (whips a cell phone out of his fur) Yeah...talk to me babe...(to other cats) It's my new agent. (resumes conversation) You did what? Got me WHAT part? That's awesome...

GRIZ: (goes to the coffee machine) Well, I'll just have some coffee while you finish your conversation.

(And she does, however, Munkustrap's agent keeps him on the phone for an hour. Finally, Juliet can take no more, since her lovely Grizabella was interrupted in mid-song...so she keeps her promise. She goes to Munkustrap and yanks the phone out of his paws.)

JULIE: I'm sorry. Munkustrap can't stay on the phone right now. He just got another call...A WAKE UP CALL!!!!

MUNKU: Juliet, have you gone insane?

JULIE: Nope. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. (she takes the cell phone and clobbers Munkustrap on the head with it, breaking the phone and cutting him open. The other cats applaud.)

MAC: So, Demeter, are you going to help your sissy boyfriend?

DEM: Not this time! He deserved that!

MUNKU: Look at all the pretty stars...