VERONI: (finishes re-arranging fic) Sorry I had to stop you there, guys, but the evil Angelfire Nome decided that that part of the fic was getting too long. Again, sorry for the unscheduled interruption.

POUNCE: Who's sorry? I think I'm liking this fic-interrupting Nome.

MAC: Is he in need of employment? Because I could always use another henchman...

VERONI: He doesn't REALLY exist you ninnys!

MUNKU: Why did you get up our hopes like that?

VERONI: I was trying to make a joke, perhaps?

JEMI: Key word: "trying".

(When we last left off, Anna Jelleonowens, although not exactly the best friend of the King, was pursuaded by his head wife, Lady Grizang, to help him protect Siam from being taken over by the British. So anyway, she was won over when Lady Grizang sang a really sappy song, and she's now in the King's study. He's lounging around, reading an English Bible.)

JELLY: Your Majesty. (curtseys)

Your Majesty?

(no response...and she sees why)

Your Majesty is reading the Bible!

MAC: (on the floor) Mrs. Anna, I think your Moses shall have been a fool.

JELLY: Moses!

MAC: Moses! Moses! Moses! (breaks character) Sheesh, no wonder they cast Yul Brynner in "The Ten Commandments"! (back in character) Here it stands written by him that the world was created in six days. You know and I know it took many ages to create world. I think he shall have been a fool to have written so. What is your opinion?

POUNCE: You know and I know it takes many ages to create parodies...

MATT: POUNCIVAL! CAN IT!

JELLY: Your Majesty, the Bible was not written by cats of science, but cats of faith. It was their explanation of the miracle of creation, which is the same miracle, whether it took six days or many centuries.

MAC: Hm. You have come to apologize?

JELLY: I am sorry, Your Majesty, but...

MAC: Good! You apologize!

JELLY: Your Majesty, I...

MAC: I accept!

JELLY: YOur Majesty, nothing that has been said can alter the fact that in my country, anyone who makes a promise must...

MAC: SILENCE! (quickly changes the subject) Tell me about President Lingkong of America. Shall Mr. Lingkong be winning this war he is fighting at present?

JELLY: No one knows, Your Majesty.

JENNY: Although history will tell you that he did succeed in bringing the country back together, but...

MATT: I think they all know what happened to President Lincoln, Jen.

JENNY: WELL EXCUUUUUUSE ME! Anyhow, c'mon Juliet, let's get back to work.

MAC: Does he have enough guns and elephants for transporting same?

GUS: Elephant guns? Someone actually threw some of them away?

OLD D: Well, at least he said SOMETHING relevant to that last line.

JELLY: I don't think they have elephants in America, Your Majesty.

MAC: No elephants! Then I shall send him some. (hands Anna a notebook and pencil) Write letter to Mr. Lingkong.

JELLY: Now?

MAC: Now! When else! Now is always best time. (sits on the floor again)

JELLY: Very well, Your Majesty.

MAC: (dictates) From Phra Maha Macgut, by the blessing of the highest super agency in the world of the whole Universe, the King of Siam, the Sovereign of all tributary countries adjacent and around in every direction, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera--DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR ME?

CET: Well, it's kind of hard when you aren't the most respectable cat in the world...

JELLY: NOT YOU, ETCETERA! He was talking to me!

(She wonders what the King's talking about...it turns out he's miffed because she's standing above him, and no cat's head should be higher than the King's. Anyway, he gives up on having her write the letter to President Lincoln, so he talks to her about his fear of Siam being taken over by the British...he really wants to carve them a new rear end. But instead, Anna convinces him to throw a gala banquet for a visiting British diplomat, Sir Skimbledward Shanksay...)

SKIMBLE: ME?! How come I'm always thrown into these things without much notice?

MATT: Come off it, Skimble. You play a British diplomat. What could happen?

SKIMBLE: With you directing, PLENTY!

JELLY: Well, Your Majesty, my guess it that you will not fight with Sir Skimbledward.

MAC: I will not? (under his breath) Rats.

JELLY: No, Your Majesty. You will entertain him and his party in an especially grand manner. In this way you will make them all witnesses in your favor. They will return to England and report to the Queen that you are not a barbarian.

MAC: Naturally...naturally! This is what I shall have intended to do!

JELLY: This is the only way to get the better of the British. Stand up to them. Put your best paw forward.

(The King stares at one of his paws)

That is an expression, Your Majesty. It means dress up in your best clothes. Show them your most intelligent toms, your most beautiful queens. Skimbledward admires beautiful queens.

MAC: Skimbledward? You call him this?

JELLY: We are old friends. I knew him in Bombay before I was married.

MAC: Ah! Shall it be proper for the British dignitary to see my queens with no shoes on their paws? Shall it be proper for them to put their best BARE paws foreward? NO! Sir Shanksay will go back and tell Queen I am a barbarian! Why do you not think of this!

JELLY: We shall dress them up in European fashion.

MAC: You mean dress them in dresses?

JELLY: How many queens can I have to sew for me?

MAC: All queens in Kingdom. How many dresses?

JELLY: That depends on how many ladies are chosen by Your Majesty.

(Anyway, they're making plans to get this whole shindig ready in a week...but all the kittens come in, so the King begins giving them THEIR instructions. Any-hoo, to make a long story short...fireworks are heard and a slightly woozy Munkrahalome--now with his head heavily stitched and bandaged--comes in.)

MUNKU: (still in pain from Juliet's hitting him with his cell phone) OWWWWW! Your Majesty...the--OWWWWW!--British! The gunboat!

(the other cats stare at Juliet)

JULIE: Hey, he deserved it!

MAC: They attack?

MUNKU: OWWWW! MY HEAD! Don't yell so LOUD! (gets back into character) No! They salute, and we answer with--OWWWWW!--fireworks. It is Sir Skimbledward Shanksay and his party.

JELLY: Now?!

MUNKU: Now! They must have come direct from Songkla. No stops!

(Well, this gives everyone the drive to *really* speed up the process. The King is in a dither, when he sees some priests, and has everyone bow and pray to Buddha. He chants...)

MAC: Oh, Buddha, give us the air of your strength and your wisdom...

(Everyone else on stage repeats this.)

MAC: And help us to prove to the visiting English that we are extraordinary and remarkable cats...

(The other cats on stage repeat this)

MAC: Help also Mrs. Anna to keep awake for scientific sewing of dreesses, even though she be only a queen and a Christian, and therefore unworthy of your interest...

(Anna gets up to protest, but the King reminds her not to stand above his head, but then he says...)

MAC: And Buddha, I promise you I shall give this unworthy queen a house, a house of her own, a brick residence adjoining the royal palace, according to agreement, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!

CET: WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?

MATT: NOT YOU, ETCETERA! SHEESH!

JULIE: And we plan to keep using this gag for the rest of the parody?

(The King makes sure Anna isn't above his head, they both look at each other suspiciously. Have they BOTH been tamed by the other?)

*END OF ACT 1*

POUNCE: All right, double break!

MATT: Well, I guess so, if you call the time we took to stitch Munkustrap up and bandage his head a break...