VERONI: Ah! Another openin' of another show!!

MUNKU: Very funny. You know, I joined "Survifur" because I wanted MONEY. Not a leading role in your next parody!

VERONI: I have to confess that you are the perfect Petrucio, though Munkustrap. Try to enjoy yourself! It's a large part!

MISTO: Not to mention one CONFUSING show.

VERONI: It's not that hard to figure out! You're doing a play within a play.

TUGGER: Yeah, you're acting that you're acting!

ETCY: Ooooh! My head hurts just thinking about it, but as long as I get to play opposite Tugger, all is right with the world! Come on and kiss me Tugger!

TUGGER: See you all later!

ETCY: Awwww! Tug! I'm always true to you in my fashion!! HEY! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!!! (chases him off)

VERONI: Well, I hate to bring on the tornado, but where's Jenny? We can't tame a shrew without a shrew.

JENNY: THIS IS OUTLANDISH! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE!!! ME, a shrew! (storms in) I cannot do this for it is completely against my character!

MISTO: Pfffft! Yeah, right.

JENNY: Want to say that again Misto, AN OCTAVE HIGHER?

MISTO: Hey! Cool it! I was kidding, of course.

JENNY: Ya better have been if you want to have any little Misto's in the future.

VERONI: Guys! Guys! Please? We have to get started.

JENNY: Didn't you hear me? I said NO!

VERONI: You get to sing a song called "I Hate Toms".... but if you don't want to, I guess I could always get...

JENNY: (grabs the script) I'll do it!!

(The show opens with stage hands walking around doing the normal "preshow" routine. Cleaning, moving costumes here and there, etc...)

PLATO: (sings) Another op'nin. Another show....

ADMETUS: In Philly, Boston, or Baltimoe.

BOTH: A chance for stage folks to say hello!

(Cattie appears after a moment to get the show moving....)

POUNCE: Cattie. How original.

CASS: Another op'nin of another SHOW!

(The stage springs to life with the cast, crew, etc milling around)

CASS: Another op'nin', another show

In Philly, Boston or Baltimoe!

LEC: A chance for stage folks to say hello!

BOTH: Another op'nin' of another show!

CASS: Another job that you hope, at last,

Will make your future! Forget your past!

Another pain where the ulcers grow!

TUMBLE: Ulcers are a common side effect of Veroni's parodies. Nothing new here.

CASS: AHEM! I'm singing!

Another op'nin' of another show!

Four weeks you'll rehearse and rehearse!

Three weeks and it couldn't be worse!

MUNKU: Sounds like the time we spent with "Survifur". Four weeks, three weeks....

VERONI: Finished?

MUNKU: Completely.

ALL: The overture is about to start!

You cross your paws and hold your heart!

It's curtain time and away we go!

POUNCE: Couldn't have put it better myself. (tries to implement "away we go" and leave, but is held in place by Veroni's foot that's stomped down on the cape of his Shakespearean outfit). Darn-eth.

VERONI: So we can keep all three suitors here, let's move on to the next scene.....

(Ms. Jenni Vanessi makes her way across the stage. She has been cast in the role of Caterine, the shrew, in the new musical production of "The Taming of the Shrew". To make things harder than a simple opening of a show, her ex-husband, Fred Munkram is directing as well as starring opposite her as Pawtruchio. We'll join them at the final rehearsal before opening night....)

ALL: (singing) For now she shall ever be thine! ALL THINE!!!

MUNKU: Wonderful! Let's run over the curtain call now. First, Pawtrucio, Caterine and Biancet.

(He bows, Celois curtsies and Jenni bows stoicly.)

MUNKU: Try it once again, Ms. Vanessi.

JENNY: (curtsies and turns to him) YOU LOUSE!! (stomps off)

MUNKU: (taken aback, walks away spluttering)

GUS: On gage everybody!

VERONI: STAGE! Not GAGE!

GUS: It says GAGE in the script!

VERONI: Don't tell me he needs GLASSES too.... **whimpers**

JELLY: I'll take care of this.

VERONI: **more whimpering**

(The stage manager, Gusops whispers something to Ms. Celois Lane, who plays Biancet)

CET: Bill? Where is he?

(She wanders to the backstage door to find her love, Bill Tughoun doing what he does best-- gambling with someone)

TUGGER: Flip ya for it!

CET: How much this time?

ADMETUS: Two bucks, lady.

CET: (pays him and sighs)

TUGGER: Baby, you're the cutest piggy bank in town. (kisses her)

CET: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TUGGER: Ack! My ears!

VERONI: Cet, you're supposed to be MAD at him.

CET: I could never be mad at Tuggy-wuggy! He's too cute!

VERONI: Can you at least PRETEND, Cet?

CET: Will he kiss me s'more if I do?

TUGGER: No!

VERONI: Yes!

CET: Okay!

TUGGER: V, how could you?

VERONI: You owe me, Tugger. You danced with my MOM.

TUGGER: No crime that I'm aware of.

VERONI: ON HER 24TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!

TUGGER: Okay, okay! I'm singing, I'm dancing!

(Bill reveals that he's lost a good deal of money whilst engaging in his favorite "past-time"... about $2,000 worth. Cetlois is mad, and even more so when he explains that he signed an IOU in Fred's name.)

CET: Bill, you've been gambling again!

TUGGER: Gee, honey. I'm sorry.

CET: If only you meant it....

(sings) Why can't you behave? Oh, why can't you behave?

After all the things you told me, and the promises that you gave,

Oh, why can't you behave?

POUNCE: Probably because this is the Tugger we're talking about here. When you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat...

TUMBLE: If you put him in a flat, then he'd rather have a house!

TUGGER: ME-YOW!

VERONI: NO SINGING ANYTHING BUT A SONG FROM "KISS ME, KATE"!!!!

TUGGER: (jumps back into the song) They switched the dice on me, Baby!

CET: (sings again) Oh why can't you be good? And do just as you should?

Won't you turn that new leaf over, so your baby can be your slave?

Oh, why can't you behave?

There's a farm I know near my old hometown

TUGGER: Where we two can go and try settlin' down.

LEC: Tug? Settlin' down? SAY IT AIN'T SO!!

VICKY & JEMI: **sobbing**

VERONI: It's called ACTING you three.

VICKY, JEMI and LEC: (stop sobbing in unison) Oh good!

VERONI: I give up! (grabs Asprin) I just give up.

CET: There I'll care for you forever,

Well, at least till ya dig my grave!

Oh, why can't you behave?

TUGGER: Gee, I need ya kid.

CET: I always knew you did.

But why can't you behave?

(The scene changes and we're in Jenni and Fred's ajoining dressing rooms)

MUNKU: Calling me a louse! And infront of everyone else!

JENNY: Oh, I'm sorry. I should have waited. YOU LOUSE! (slams the door in his face)

MUNKU: (pushes it back open)

JENNY: It's customary for a Gentletom to knock.

MUNKU: Ah, but I'm not a Gentletom. I'm a louse, remember?

(To cut down a LONG section of bickering dialogue, we'll do the oh so special Summary of Events! They fight for awhile until she recieves a call from the man she's engaged to.... the Cattle Baron, Tex Bustopher. A quick conversation leads to our two dueling lovers to begin reminiscing about the old days when they had just been married.)

JENNY: Mother was staying with us then.

MUNKU: Heh. Yeah. (rolls his eyes) How could I forget? I could have sworn it was right after we closed on the road in that flop revival of "The Prince of Potsdam". YES! I was understudying the lead!

JENNY: No dear. We were both in the CHORUS. Oh, there was a waltz in it remember? Something about a bar....

Jelly: BARS? I thought this was G-Rated! I may just have to take the kittens right out of here right now!

BOTH: WUNDERBAR!!!

JELLY: I knew it! A bar! Etcetera, Jemima, Electra, Victoria? We're leaving right now!

VERONI: Hold it! It's German!

JELLY: A German bar! Even worse!

VERONI: NO! I mean that it means "Wonderful" in German!

JELLY: Oh. All I can say is: Ooops.

BOTH: (sing while dancing in circles together) Wunderbar! Wunderbar!

JENNY: There's our favorite star above!

MUNKU: What a bright, shinning star!

BOTH: Like our love, it's Wunderbar!

MUNKU: Gazing down on the Yungfrau,

JENNY: From our secret Chalet for two.

MUNKU: Let us drink Leibchen Wein!

JENNY: In the moonlight benign!

BOTH: To the joy of a dream come true...

Wunderbar! Wunderbar!

(Pounce and Tumble start miming along with the happy spin dance going on onstage)

POUNCE: Ah, madame! You look ravishing tonight!

TUMBLE: (bats his eyelashes) Oh! Your highness!

POUNCE: You have made me the happiest of toms!

VERONI: CUT IT OUT!

POUNCE: Yeeesh. Touchy.

BOTH: What a bright, shinning star!

Like our love... it's Wunderbar!

(Jenni and Fred kiss)

KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEW! COOTIES!

(They pull back slowly)

JENNY: Oh, Fred, whose fault was it?

MUNKU: Well, it might have been your disposition.

JENNY: It might have been YOUR ego.

(They stare at each other for another LONG moment)

POUNCE: Yawn. Yawn. Yawn.

BOTH: Shaddap! We were having a TOUCHING moment there!

POUNCE: As in inducing me to "touch" my pillow to my head?

MUNKU: (hisses and continues) We'd... uh, better get dressed.

(Fred wanders back into his dressing room only to be met by two Gangsters, looking to collect the $2000 "he" owes them)

MUNKU: Gentletoms, I'll be happy to give you my autograph AFTER the performance.

MAC: That's just the thing. We already HAVE your autograph. It's a little matter of an IOU... for two G's.

MUNKU: There must be a mistake. Why, that's not even my signature!

MUNGO: Ha ha ha, 'e don't remember!

RUMPLE: Now Macavity Oi undastand... but moi brutha?

VERONI: The accent speaks for itself, Rumple.

RUMPLE: Wot accent?

VERONI: Point proven.

MUNKU: I've been at the theater since 8:00 this morning.

MAC: He don't remember.

MUNGO: Woll, dat's people fur ya.

MAC: Yeah, they sign an IOU and everything goes black.

MUNGO: Docta's call it... eh, Magnesia.

MUNKU: Gentletoms, if you'll excuse me.

(Mungo goes to pop him one, but Mac holds him back and they shuffle out into the hallway.)

MAC: Not now! I'll tell ya when we get 'im.

(They bump into Tumpaul in the hallway, delivering flowers)

MUNGO: Woll, Oi'll be. Flowa's. Da funeral ain't til tomarra!

MAC: (drags Mungo out)

RUMPLE: Mac betta be careful wit my brutha or Oi'll...

MAC: (stands full height, so she's looking at his chest) You'll what?

RUMPLE: Shoine ya shoes! (ducks down and starts polishing)

(Tumpaul brings in flowers to Ms. Vanessi, saying they're from Fred)

JEMI: But what she doesn't know is that they're really for another gi---

VERONI: What have we said about foreshadowing, Jem?!!

(She is deeply moved and realizes that despite their devorce, she's still so in love with him...)

CATS: Rotten segue.

VERONI: Time for the general disclaimer about the director's favorite song!

CATS: We know, we know. No messing with it for fear of gruesome death, yadda, yadda, yadda...

JENNY: Strange dear, but true dear,

When I'm close to you, dear, the stars fill the sky!

So in love with you am I.

Even without you, my arms fold about you.

You know darling why, so in love with you am I.

In love with the night, mysterious.

The night when you first were there.

In love with my JOY delirious,

When I knew that you could care...

So taunt me.... and hurt me.... decieve me... desert me....

I am yours till I die!

So in love, so in love, so in love with you my love

Am I....

(Orchestra strikes up)

JELLY: **sigh** Beautiful.

POUNCE: 99 bottles of beer on the wa--- (gets a whole bunch of dirty looks) I mean, yeah, lovely. (gags behind his pillow)

JENNY: (hisses and gets back into character)

So taunt me and hurt me,

Decieve me, desert me.

I am yours TILL I DIIIIIIIIE!

So in love, so in love, so in love with you, my love

Am I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-......

QUEENS: (sigh happilly)

TOMS: (gag happilly)

VERONI: (UN-happilly reaches for the Asprin and lets them all take a break)

JENNY: I haven't gotten to sing "I Hate Toms"! WHEN DO I GET TO SING IT, HUH? IS THIS ANOTHER TRICK??? OOOOO! I WANT MY LAWYER IN HERE RIGHT NOW, I TELL YOU!!!

KEL: (walks in with a Mocachino) Yeesh. Good casting, huh?

VERONI: Too good sis, WAY WAY WAY too good.