VERONI: (runs in panting) I didn't **gasp** know this show would **wheeze** be such a work out.

JENNY: (walks in calmly) I have thoroughly purged my emotions and am ready to continue.

TUGGER: Can it be? We've already tamed the shrew?

JENNY: (hisses) Don't bet on it. I'm just BIDING my time. (pats her pocket, showing the outline of the pinking shears)

VERONI: I'm thinking we should start this thing now.... before the hurricane recommenses.

OLD D: (walks in as the song ends) I'm thinking I should have worn a cup here. I mean, CATERINE! CATERINE! Wonderful news! A gentletom from Verona desires your paw in marriage!

JENNY: Then he best go back there! (storms out)

MUNKU: (struts on and crosses to Old D) Greetings, good sir! I hear you have a daughter called Caterine, fair and virtuous.

OLD D: (sighs) I have a daughter called Caterine sir.

MUNKU: I am a gentletom from Verona that, hearing of her beauty and her wit, her affiability and bashful modesty, her wonderful qualities and mild behavior----

(Caterine screams offstage and a pot flies across the stage)

POUNCE: (walks out with a saucepan sized bruise on the side of his head) Mild behavior. PFFT! Ice anyone?

(Pawtruchio, not realizing exactly what he's getting himself into, strikes a bargain with Deutiste for Caterine's hand. Her dowry is 30 crowns and the fertile half of Deutiste's land upon the old cat's death. Caterine reappears after her father races off to deposit the check in the bank.)

JENNY: Aye, when that thing is well obtained, that is my love, for that is all in all!!

MUNKU: Ah, Caterine. Of all the toms alive I have never yet beheld that special face which I could fancy beyond any other.

(sings) Were thine that special face,

The face that fills my dreaming.

Were thine the rhythmed grace,

Were thine the form, so lithe and slender,

Were thine the arms, so warm, so tender.

Were thine the kiss devine?

Were thine the love for me.

The love that fills my dreaming.

When all these charms are THINE,

Then you'll be mine, all mine!

(Jenni drops character for a moment to retrieve the note from it's place under her dress, Fred notices this whilst singing and his eyes go quite wide. He manages to get her to put it away)

CORI: Dancing with death.

MISTO: He's toast.

MAC: Ten bucks says he won't make it through this song alive.

MUNGO: Oi'll see yer ten an' raise ya twenty.

VERONI: Guys! This is a parody, not a session of Off-Track Betting!

(As Fred acknowledges the applause, Jenni steps back to finally read the card she assumes was meant for her.)

JENNY: "To my darling... CELOIS?"

(Sound of Jenni squealing in rage)

OLD D: (improvising) It... was not to her liking.

MUNKU: Ah, but that is nothing, for I tell you, father that I am as peremptory as she proud-minded. And where two raging fires do come together they consume the thing that feeds their fury. But if she bid me pack, then I pack.

JENNY: (hollars from her balcony) I BID THEE PACK!!!

OLD D: (drops character, whispering) What's the matter, Fred?

JENNY: Were thine that special face?!! HAH!!! (tosses her boquet of flowers at Munku, who ducks. Old D catches them)

OLD D: Uhm, eh... Some flowers from my daughter! (hands them to Munku)

MUNKU: Ah, Grazia Senor!

OLD D: (under his breath as he leaves) Talk. Talk! (raises his voice) Speak, Pawtruchio, speak!

JENNY: (bounds down the stairs) Ah, yes! Speak, Pawtruchio! Though thy message is not for me!! YOU LOUSE!!!

MUNKU: (struggling, whispers) We're onstage now Jenni! (raises his voice) Good Morrow, Cat! For that is your name as I have heard.

JENNY: Tis my name, but thou must be hard of hearing. They call me CATERINE, them that call me.

MUNKU: You lie in faith, for you are called plain Cat, or bonny Cat, or even Cat the cursed.

JENNY: (elbows him in the ribs)

MUNKU: Ooof! (tries to save the scene) Come and sit on me, my bonny Cat!

JENNY: (bites his knuckle)

MAC: Pay up, boys. Told ya he's a dead tom.

TOMS: (grumble and pay him)

(They fight awhile longer, dropping character at will. Finally the scene change comes along and we've hit another song. The ensemble sings as the set is changed for the final scene of the first act.)

ADMETUS: We sing....

PLATO: We sing....

CORI: We sing....

THREE: ... of love!

ALONZO: Cantiamo D'Amore! Cantiamo D'Amore!

PREVIOUS FOUR: Ye gods above!

May we never sing of anything but love!

QUEENS: For love is the joy of every girl and bo---

MAC: Doncha mean queen and tom?

VERONI: Shaddup and let me finish this act, huh?

(Fastforward and we're at the wedding. Time for another song. Since Jenni is still in the mood to "improvise", everyone is on their guard. Especially the unfortunate toms within a stone's throw of her kicking legs.)

MUNKU: She is my goods, my chattles, my horse, my ox, my ass, mine---

KITTENS: Munkustrap swore! Ooooo!

POUNCE: Jenny's his ass?

VERONI: As in the BARNYARD animal, gutterbrains.

MUNKU: So kiss me Cat!

JENNY: (slaps him across the face)

MUNKU: (hisses and drops character) Ooooh! That's it, Miss Vanessi! (takes her over his knee and starts spanking her repeatedly as he sings)

MUNKU: (sings) So kiss me Cat, thou lovely loon!

Ere we start on our honeymoon.

So kiss me Cat! Darling, devil devine.

For now thou shalt ever be mine!

JENNY: I'll never be thine!

(They repeat the same thing with Jenni throwing in "comments" as they go. While the verse plays on, the ensamble slowly migrates even further away from her flailing arms and legs.)

MUNKU: So kiss me Cat!

JENNY: I'll crack your pate!

MUNKU: Oh, please don't pout.

JENNY: I'll knock you out!

MUNKU: My priceless prize!

JENNY: I'll black your eyes!

MUNKU: Come, kiss me quick.

JENNY: Your rump I'll kick!

ENSAMBLE: Oh kiss him.

JENNY: Never!

ENSAMBLE: He's not her dish, he's not her dish,

Oh, kiss him!

JENNY: FLOUNDER!

MAC: Unless you want' ta visit the emergency room at intermission, I wouldn't force the issue, Munku. She doesn't want to kiss you, I'd consider it a blessing in her present state of... uhm... agitation?

ENSAMBLE: The type of dish she would not wish!

Oh, kiss him!

JENNY: DASTARD!

MAC: I'm tellin' ya Munkustrap....

ENSAMBLE: Oh kiss him!

JENNY: BASTARD!

VERONI: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNY! NO SWEARING!!!!

MAC: Ooooh. Go girl.

VERONI: You're not helping here.

JENNY: Neeeeeever.... Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever, never never neverrrrrrrrrrr..... Neeeeeever! Ne-e-e-e-e-e-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-e-e-e-veeeeer!!

CATS: *snoring*

VERONI: AHEM!!!! She's done now.

CATS: (jump awake) Oooops.

ENSAMBLE: Kiss him Cat, kiss him, kiss him Cat!

Kiss him, kiss him Cat!

Kiss him, Cat! Kiss him, Cat!

Kiss him, Cat! Kiss him, Cat!

Kiss....

KISS....

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!

ALL: (laying on the ground gasping for air)

VERONI: Guessing now would be a bad time to say I decided to not have an intermission, huh?

MUNKU: (beat up from Jenny's method acting) Sorry. Not moving... EVER AGAIN.

JENNY: Serves you right, anyhow. MCP's the lot of you. OH MY BACKSIDE ACHES!! (slaps Munkustrap again)

VERONI: Well Munkustrap, you can rest. It's Tumblebrutus I need now.

TUMBLE: (pops in) You rang?

MUNKU: (holding the side of his face) How come he's so perky? And, I thought we were doing STAGE slapping here!

JENNY: Well, you were hitting pretty darn hard!!

MUNKU: Only after you elbowed me in the ribs and BIT me.

VERONI: (raises her voice) Tumble didn't have to be in the last scene. Paul never appears in the play within the play. He's still in the play, but he's not in the PLAY.

CATS: (blank stares)

VERONI: Wasn't too confusing, was I?

(Curtain rises on the second act with the backstage gang hanging around with Tumpaul during their intermission. Everyone's laying around, hot and tired.)

TUMBLE: (singing and snapping his fingers) It's too darn hot. It's too darn hot.

MUNKU: In these shakespearean outfits? You bet it's too darn hot!

VERONI: Shhhhhh!!! If you're all done resting I could just skip on ahead to your next song.

MUNKU: (flops back down) Tired. Sore. Can't.... hardly.... move....

TUMBLE: I'd like to sup with my baby tonight.

And play the pup with my baby tonight.

I'd like to sup with my baby tonight and play the pup with my baby tonight,

But I ain't up to my baby tonight, cuz it's too darn hot.

It's too darn hot, it's too darn hot...

I'd like to stop for my baby tonight

And blow my top with my baby tonight

I'd like to stop for my baby tonight and blow my top with my baby tonight,

But I'd be a flop with my baby tonight cuz it's too darn HOT!

(Meanwhile backstage...)

BUSTOPHER: Now what's the meaning of calling me here in the middle of the seven hundred and sixty-fourth meeing of the senior educational?

MUNGO: (slipping into his gangster clothes) Parody. Wha' else?

VERONI: I kinda needed someone who looked like a really wealthy guy and you came to mind.

BUSTOPHER: What's the show?

MUNKU: (wanders by wearing his frilly outfit and holding an ice bag to his ribs) Torcherous.

BUSTOPHER: Oooooh, no! You're not gonna rope me into something that'll break another monocle. They don't grow on trees you know.

VERONI: I promise you're monocle will stay intact.

MUNKU: Your rib cage on the other hand.... (gets 'the look' from Veroni and beats a hasty retreat)

BUSTOPHER: Fine, but the moment this monocle breaks, I'm leaving, understood?

VERONI: Fine, fine, fine! (tosses the script at him) You may want to practice the duck and cover method. It'll come in handy.

BUSTOPHER: Duck and cover?

JENNY: (tosses a vase of flowers out of her dressing room door with a crash) I HATE FLOWERS!!!!

BUSTOPHER: What have I gotten myself into?

VERONI: Sit and watch and you'll see.....

TUMBLE: (jumpin' and jivin' to the music) According to the latest report, every average tom ya know

Much prefers to play his favorite sport when the temperature is low.

But when the thermometer goes way up and the weather is sizzlin' hot,

Mr. Gab for his squab.

ADMETUS & PLATO: A marine for his queen.

TUMBLE: A GI for his cutie pie is not.

ALL: Cuz it's too, too TOO DARN HOT!

It's too darn HOT!

IT'S TOO.... DAAARN.... HOT!

TUMBLE: MAN IT'S HOT!

(Everyone pairs off, leaving Pounce the odd man out. He searches around and finally grabs Bustopher in despiration)

BUSTOPHER: I don't dance!!!

POUNCE: You do now!

(Several flip in the air, Bustopher manages to do a bellyflop as Pounce holds him by the hand)

(All the pairs end the song in various poses. And of all things, Bustopher ends in a split.)

BUSTOPHER: Not by choice, I assure you!

JEMI: Yeouch! Even I can't do a full split!

BUSTOPHER: News flash! I CAN'T EITHER!!!!!

VERONI: Oooooooo. Ouch. Ehm, guess this is as good a time for a break as any.

BUSTOPHER: (as they try to jack him up) Didja have to use the word "break"?