VERONI: How's Bustopher?

JELLY: Healing. But not in shape to perform.

POUNCE: I've been saying that for years. I mean, he's just too heavy to perform well without putting great strain on his heart....

(Everyone stares at him)

POUNCE: Oh, not that kind of shape. Hehe. 'Magine that.

VERONI: The bad news is we don't have anyone else who could play a good Howell. Exactly how bad is Bustopher?

JELLY: Bandaged up and wheelchair bound for the next week or two.

VERONI: Well, as long as it's not life-threatening try to get him out here.

JELLY: I'll see what I can do.

BUSTOPHER: (rolls out) Don't bother! I'm here.

VERONI: Ah, good. Then you can go on.

BUSTOPHER: NO! I'm here to inform you that you broke your promise with me!

VERONI: What? Your monocle didn't break!

BUSTOPHER: (sighs in realization) But my backside did!!! Isn't that worth anything?

VERONI: Shhhhhhhhh!!! We're starting again!

(While the rest of the cast was dancing it's heart out, lots of fun was occuring upstairs in our stars' dressing rooms)

JENNY: (on the phone) Hello. Hello, Tex? It's Jenni! I'll marry you tonight. Send a car for me. NO! Better still, send an ambulance! You don't know what that beast has done to me!! I can't sit down!! I'm through with the theater! I want to go where no one will ever find me. I'll go to Texas!!

POUNCE: Ah, that's what all murderers, racists, thugs and oh, let's not forget robbers, say. "Texas! No one will ever look for me in Texas!!" First place they'd look, I tell you.

JENNY: (bellows) Are you QUITE finished? (gets back into character) Well, I want to leave tonight.

(Cattie walks over and opens the door ajoining Jenni and Fred's dressing rooms, causing Fred, (who had been listening at the door) to topple into the room.)

CASS: Ms. Jenni? Your ex-husband just dropped in.

CATS: Ooooh. Lousy pun.

JENNY: Catti, pack my things, I'm leaving.

MUNKU: You don't think you can just walk out in the middle of a performace?

JENNY: Oh, no?!

MUNKU: I'll have you brought up on charges at Equity!

JENNY: I'll be glad to go before Equity! I'll bring pictures of what you've done to me-- IN TECHNICOLOR!

MUNKU: And I'll bring my X-rays!

TUMBLE: I always liked Wolverine.

POUNCE: Nah. Cyclops is cooler.

VERONI: X-RAYS, not X-MEN you twits!!

(Jenni chases him out the room, throwing things as he leaves (sensing a behavior pattern?). Once out in the hall, Fred is met by Bill Tughoun who's ready to make a clean slate of everything and admit what he's done.... Fred's a little "distracted" with finding an understudy for Jenni though....)

TUGGER: Mr. Munkraham, I have to tell you something.

MUNKU: Well, what is it? (hollars up the stairs) POPS!!! Where are you?

TUGGER: Well, ya see, this afternoon at the Chiropadist.... I didn't.

MUNKU: (looking up the stairs) The tom's not only blind, he's DEAF.

POUNCE: We all know that Munkustrap. Where ya been?

JELLY: (looks like she's ready to pop Pounce across the jaw) Don't talk that way about your eld--- (Veroni stops her paw in midair)

VERONI: We've already had enough hitting for one day.

TUGGER: I kinda lost some money.

GUS: (walks in) Yes?

MUNKU: Pops, I want you to prepare an understudy.

GUS: For you?

MUNKU: No, for Jenni. She refuses to go on.

TUGGER: (continuing) And I was also a little short on top of that, so I signed an IOU.

GUS: I'll go break the news to Leccy.

TUGGER: And it seems I signed your name.

MUNKU: (fuming and spluttering about Jenni) Yeah, good, fine.

TUGGER: REALLY? Well, gee, Mr. Munkraham! If I'd known you were such a swell guy, I never would have....

MUNKU: (sees Catti taking food in to Ms. Vanessi) OH NO YOU DON'T! If she's leaving, she's leaving on an empty stomach!

TUGGER: Thanks, Mr. Munkraham! (runs off to his dressing room)

MUNKU: (realizes something) Wait. You.... signed.... MY name? (spluttering as he walks into his dressing room) Why you no-good little.... (walks in and comes face to face with our gangster buddies) Oh, great.

MUNGO: Oi'm hurt, Munkustrap!

MUNKU: (under his breath) It's in the script.

MUNGO: OH! Uhm, Mr. Munk-ray-ham, we was just wonderin' when you was gonna pay yer little debt of honor to one of America's most respectable floatin' crap games.

JELLY: (faints)

VERONI: Craps is the NAME of a game with dice.

CORI: Dice are cra---?

VERONI: (slaps her paw over his mouth) I can see if we ever did "Guys and Dolls" we'd be in trouble right away.

(To cut down on a long scene, Fred comes up with a plan to make Jenni finish the show. He explains to his new found buddies that indeed he did sign the I.O.U. and will pay it back in full with the money he makes on the show. He explains however that his costar refuses to finish the show and without her they won't make any money and his friends' boss will never see any of his money. Through this they manage to blackmail Jenni into finishing the show.)

(The second act of the play within the play opens after the wedding with Pawtruchio leading his new wife Caterine to their home in Verona. To insure Jenni stays in the show, the gangsters have taken on temporary parts to keep her in check... carrying her train.)

MAC: Hey! I thought we were holding this long thing at the end of her dress! No one said anything about a locomotive!

VERONI: Train-- the term used for that "long thing at the end of her dress".

MAC: Oh. My bad.

(Pawtruchio and the other two lead Caterine to his home in Verona. Once there he proceeds to tame her by not allowing her to eat. She proves to be VERY hard to tame and Pawtruchio laments about where the life he late led went.)

MUNKU: (sings) Where is the life that late I led?

Where is it now? Totally dead!

Where is the fun I used to find?

Where has it gone? Gone with a wind!

A married life may all be well,

But raising an heir could never compare

To raising a bit of hel--- heck.

VERONI: (sighs in relief) Thank you.

MUNKU: So I repeat what first I said.

Where is the life that late I----

In dear Milano, where are you Momo?

Still selling those pictures of the scriptures in the Duomo.

And Carolina, where are you lina?

Still peddling your pizza in the streets o' Taormina.

And in Firenza, where are you Alice?

Still there in your pretty, itty-bitty, piti palace?

And sweet Lucretia, so young and ga-a-a-ay...

What scandelous doin's in the ruins of Pompei?

MISTO: Wow. Munku's had more gals than you, Tug.

TUGGER: Impossible!

MISTO: Well, listen and watch me count. Thus far we have..... four.

MUNKU: Where is Rebecca? My Beccy-wecky-o?

Could still she be cruisin' that amusin' Ponte Vecchio?

MISTO: Five.

MUNKU: Where is Fedora? The WILD Virago.

MISTO: Six.

MUNKU: It's lucky I missed her gangster sister from Chicago.

Where is Venechia, who loved to chat so?

Could still she be drinkin' in her stinkin' pink palazzo?

MISTO: Makes seven.

MUNKU: And lovely Lisa, where are you Lisa?

You gave a new meaning to the leaning tower of Pisa!

MISTO: Eight.

TUGGER: Pfft! I've had more.

BOMB: (taps him on the shoulder) REALLY?!!!

TUGGER: Bomba! Sweetums!

BOMB: Don't sweetums me, you player!

TUGGER: I was kidding! (she leaves) Bomba!!!

(As the previous scene was going on, Tex arrived in quite a huff)

(LOOOOONG pause)

VERONI: I said "TEX ARRIVED IN QUITE A HUFF!!!"

JELLY: I don't think this is a wise idea, but... alright.

BUSTOPHER: (rolls out onstage in his wheelchair) Where's Jenni? Where's my little Jenni?

MUNKU: (rushes over to him) Shhh, shhh, shhh! There's a performance on!

(The set switches to backstage area and they head for the dressing rooms with Jenni in tow)

JENNY: Call the FBI! These two thugs won't let me go!! (points to Mungo and Mac)

BUSTOPHER: Now darling...

MUNKU: (playing along) They'll let her go if she wants to. Isn't that right?

MAC: Uh, yeah. She wouldst, but she canst.

(LONG dialogue section again. But the more interesting stuff is going on offstage. Celois and Bill are talking about her constant flirtation with other guys.)

TUGGER: (sings) Why can't you behave? (goes into his dressing room)

CET: How the heck can you be jealous?

When you know, baby I'm your slave!

I'm just mad for you, and I'll always be...

But naturally....

If a custom tailor vet, asked me out for something wet

When the vet begins to pet, I cry hooray!

(Tugger sticks his head back out)

But I'm always true to you, darling in my fashion!

Yes, I'm always true to you, darling in my way!

(He goes back in)

VERONI: CUT! Pounce, what are you doing?

POUNCE: (holding a scissors in his paw, standing near a fraying cord attached to a sandbag) Nuthin'.

EXY: Careful or you might hit Tugger in the--- AH! I see what's going on here!

POUNCE: What could you possibly be talking about?

EXY: You're jealous of Tugger! You've ALWAYS been jealous of Tugger!

POUNCE: (pouting) Have not.

EXY: Ooooo! Have I got the goods on you!! *giggles and walks out*

POUNCE: (lets go of the sandbag and misses Tugger by inches, hitting himself instead) Oooof. Nighty-night. *thud*

VERONI: Cet, keep going while we take Pounce to the ER.

CET: (continuing) There's an Oil Tom known as Tex

Who is keen to give me checks.

And his checks, I fear, mean that sex is here to staaaaay!

JELLY: YOUNG LADY!!!

CET: It was in the script! So cool jets and let me sing my song, old maid!

KITTENS: **GASP!!!**

VERONI: Eh-oh. Cet's in uber-trouble later.

JELLY: (storms up to Veroni)

VERONI: I'm guessing saying that she's just way into character isn't gonna fly here, huh?

CET: (dancing across the stage) There's a wealthy Hindu preist,

Who's a wolf to say the least!

When the priest goes too far East, I also straaaaaay...

(Tugger pops back out of his dressing room)

But I'm always true to you, darling in my fashion!

Yes, I'm always true to you, darling in my way!

(He goes back in)

There's a lush from Baltimore, who's rich but such a bore!

When the bore falls on the floor, I let him lay!

(Tugger pops out again)

But I'm always true to you, darling in my fashion!

Yes, I'm always true to you, darling in my way!

(He goes back in)

TUGGER: I'm gettin' nauteous here, V. You sure I pop in and out constantly?

VERONI: Dani said so, so you pop.... wait. That didn't sound right.

CET: Mr. Gable... I mean, Clark, wants me on his boat to park.

If the Gable boat means a sable coat,

ANCHORS AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

But I'm always true to you, darling in my fashion

Yes I'm AL-WAYS TRUE TO YOU,

DARLING IN MY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

JELLY: (storms out and grabs Cet by the ear) You're coming with me NOW.

POUNCE: DUM DUM DUM!!!!

VERONI: Uhm, Tugger, start singing the next song while there's still Cet to finish the show with. Jelly looked like she was ready to rip that kitten to shreads.

(A package arrives for Celois.)

ADMETUS: Package for Ms. Celois Lane!

PLATO: For your Biancet!

TUGGER: (snags it) Sweet Biancet....

While rehearsing with Biancet, she's the darling I adore

Offstage I've found, she's been around,

But I still love her more and more.

So, I've written her a love song, though I'm just an amateur.

I'll sing it through for all of you

To see if it's worthy of her.

CET: (swooning offstage) Oooo! Anything you do is worthy of me, Tuggy baby!!!

JELLY: (holds her by the tail so she can't run out) You're still in time out!

TUGGER: Biancet....

ADMETUS: Biancet....

TUGGER: Biancet....

PLATO: Biancet...

TUGGER: Oh, baby, will you be mine?

CET: A thousand times YEEEES!!!

JELLY: HUSH! Or I'll have to spank thee!

TUGGER: Biancet....

ADMETUS: Biancet....

TUGGER: Biancet....

You'd better answer yes, or I might spank ya!

CET: I WOULDN'T MIND A BIT!!!!

VERONI: Hoo boy. Better not do too much more of this....

TUGGER: (skips ahead, preparing to race offstage at any moment)

To win you, Biancet, there's nothing I would not do!

I would gladly give up coffee for Sanka...

Buh-ba-ba-boo....

KITTENS: **SQQQQUUUUEEEEALLLL!!!!**

VERONI: (creates a feline chain between the kittens and Tugger with any backstage cats not currently busy) Hold 'em guys!

TUGGER: Even Sanka, Biacet for you!

KITTENS: (burst through the cat chain, leaving a collection of battered and bruised bodies in their wake)

PLATO: Ow. Two hernias at least.

VERONI: Good thing we have a sentimental song next. Good note to end this part on.... and it gives the rest of us time to heal.

CORI: (face in the carpet) Amen.

(Meanwhile, Jenni has collected her things and is just about to walk out on Fred)

JENNI: You're not going to hypnotise me, Svenghali.

MUNKU: You can't walk out on me now, Jenni!

JENNI: You walked out on me once.

MUNKU: But I came back!!

GUS: (sticks his head in) Ms. Vanessi? Mr. Bustopher doesn't like to be kept waiting.

JENNI: (stares for a long moment) Goodbye, Fred.

MUNKU: (solo spotlight on him, tears in his eyes)

Strange dear, but true dear, when I'm close to you, dear,

The stars fill the sky!

So in love with you am I.

(Kittens stop dead in their tracks and stare at Munkustrap)

MUNKU: Even without you, my arms fold about you.

You know, darling why so in love with you am I.

In love with the night mysterious!

The night when you first were there.

In love with my JOOOOOOOY delirius!

When I knew that you could care.

So taunt me and hurt me

Decieve me, DESERT ME!!!

I am yours T-I-I-I-I-ILL I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I DIE!!!!

So in love, so in love

So in love, with you my love

Am I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...... (breaks down into sobs)

KITTENS: BWWWAAAAHHHHH!!! **sniffle** Beautiful!

VERONI: And for once, Tugger isn't complaining about the lack of attention.

TUGGER: I've been chased too many times already this parody!! How much do you think a guy can take?

CET: (attaches to his arm) Hi Tuggy!!!! Didja really mean all that ya said about me?

LEC: (attaches to his hip) I'm sure he likes ME more.

VICKY: (attaches to his left leg) No, ME!

CET: (climbs up onto his head) He sang it to me!!!

TUGGER: (slogs away with kittens hanging off him) Thanks so much, V.

VERONI: Welcome!