by Veronikitty

MUNKU: Oh no. Big title and special HTML background. This can only mean one thing.....

POUNCE: NO! It can't be!!

VERONI: (walks in sporting a long dark blue evening gown) 20th parody gala event!

POUNCE: (whimpers) We've done 20 of these suckers?

VERONI: Oh, come on! This is a very special show for us. I want everything to be just right!

SKIMBLE: (rushes in, flipping through the script) This is some sort of joke.... right? SEVEN roles?

VERONI: When I sat down and selected this show, I quickly realized I needed a versatile cat who could play multiple roles. You came to mind immediately. Afterall, who better than my famous "Jellicle & Hyde" lead?

SKIMBLE: I'd be honored....... in ANY other situation. (walks off, shaking his head)

LEXIE: (bounces in) The caterers are here! YAY!

MISTO: You splurged for CATERING service?

VERONI: Not EXACTLY a splurge.

MUNKU: Well, who are they?

VERONI: I've heard good things about them, and they gave me a discounted rate. Sound high quality too.... Penguin's Catering Services.

LEXIE: C'mon ni! (pushes open the door)

(A long line of penguins process in, carrying trays full of steaming food)

MUNKU: (shaking his head) Really I thought the jokes would be better than that for a 20th parody "event".

VERONI: Well, does it sound like I thought they'd be REAL penguins?! (whimpers) Why does this always happen to me?

MISTO: It wouldn't be a parody if you didn't reach for the Asprin bottle at least once, now would it?

VERONI: (sighs) Trademarks. Never thought I'd develop those when I started out. Nor a pill addiction. (washes down a pawful of Advil)

SKIMBLE: (walks out, dragging a costume rack of two dozen costumes behind him) Ready..... I hope.

VERONI: That reminds me! We need costume changers! Especially for Skimble and Bomba!

TANTI: Does that mean what I think it means? (groans) I'm a techie! Not a costumer!

VERONI: Well, then now's as good a time as any to learn, isn't it?

TANTI: I hate velco! I hate zippers!

POUNCE: (winces a little) I hear ya, sister!

VERONI: Enough stalling! The audience has arrived!

SKIMBLE: AUDIENCE?

CATS: AUDIENCE?

VERONI: Honored guests, I assure you.

SKIMBLE: Great. Parodies: not just a private humiliation anymore.

(Our specially rented orchestra strikes up with the overture..... a standard conglomorate of all the different songs you'll hear throughout the show.)

LEXIE: Orchestra? You sure we can afford that?

VERONI: There was some finantial backing leftover from "Survifur"! What can I say?

POUNCE: (muttering as he gets dressed) I still can't imagine anyone WANTING to back one of these things. You'd think it'd be bad for business....

(A loud whistle comes from the back of the theater. The audience turns to face the volumptuous Belle Poitrine--- socialite extroadinaire.)

BOMB: HEY! Over here! (walks through the audience, waving to various people as she goes) If you're wondering what all the hullabaloo is about, it's to celebrate the publishing of my intimate memoirs. Chock full of scandals, torrid affairs, and steamy nights! Then, when you're through with the introduction, take the book to bed with ya! And how did I get through it all? Who could I always count on? Who would always see ME through?

TOMS: (in four part harmony) Who can it be?

BOMB: Oh, I'll tell ya, honey!.......... IT'S (squints into the audience) Andrew Lloyd Webber?

VERONI: (tosses a shoe from the wings, knocking Bomb upside the head)

BOMB: OH! I... I mean, (sings) IT'S LITTLE ME!

Who to tell my troubles to?

TOMS: Lend a sympathetic ear.

BOMB: Who to cheer me when I'm blue?

TOMS: Wipe away each little tear!

BOMB: When there's no one left,

I am not bereft!

There is always little me!

TOMS: We all agree!

BOMB: Old reliable!

LEXIE: (backstage) Webber? HE'S here?

VERONI: I extended an invitation, what's wrong with that?

LEXIE: Just that you're going to make Skimble even MORE self-concious!

VERONI: That's why we're NOT going to tell him, right?

LEXIE: (squirms) Only on one condition.

VERONI: (eyes bug out) Are you trying to blackmail me?!

LEXIE: N-no. I just wanna meet Mr. Webber, is all.....

VERONI: We'll see. (sighs) Let's just watch the show, huh?

LEXIE: Toohs.

VERONI: (cocks an eyebrow, gets a look of realization and sighs again) Oh. "Shoot".

BOMB: Who---

TOMS: Will earn that bounty?

BOMB: Who---

TOMS: Who'll pursue that quarry?

BOMB: WHO?

TOMS: Like a Northwest mounty?

BOMB: (shimmying with the music) ONLY BUILT LIKE MATA HARI!

TUGGER: Don't know about that, but nobody's built like my Bomba.... (growls sensually)

VERONI: SHHHHH!!! The microphone will pick up your comments!

POUNCE: (looking around for a microphone to "inspect") Wouldn't want that, now would we?

BOMB: (blows a kiss to Tugger) With a little black sheer...

ENSEMBLE: Who do you esteem most?

BOMB: With a little bit here....

ENSEMBLE: Who do you adore most?

BOMB: And a little more schlear...

ENSEMBLE: Who deserves the cream most?

BOMB: And a little bit THERE!

ENSEMBLE: Obviously!

BOMB: Just a little bit---

ENSEMBLE: Yours sincerely little---

BOMB: And I do mean merely little!!

ALL: YOURS...

SINCERELY

LITTLE MEEEEEEEEEEE-OW!!

LEXIE: Yay! They're applauding!

TANTI: (shoving Skimble into his first outfit) Kinda nice not using the canned sitcom-like laugh track, isn't it?

SKIMBLE: (muttering under his breath and reading the script) I love you.... as much as I am able....

VERONI: Costume change! Tantomile! Lexie!

BOMB: I was born in the little town of Venezula Illonois on the first morning of 1900. I lived alone with Momma. (Tanti and Lexie slip out in the darkness, Lexie holding up a screen over Bomb's.....er, lower half.... while Tanti changes Bomb's dress) We were as poor as church mice, living in a tumbledown shack on Drifters Row. By the time I was 16 years old, I had blossomed into a delicate young flower.

TUGGER: (low whistle) Ah... corruptable youth.

VERONI: (tosses a rolled up newspaper at him)

BOMB: In fact, some even said--- (to Lexie) YOU HAVE COLD PAWS!

VERONI: (groans backstage)

BOMB: (grins sheepishly and keeps going) In fact, some even said I had (the screen is pulled away, revealing her "poor" dress, complete with low cut neckline showing off her, er..... chest) overblossomed.

GRIZ: (swaggers out in a lowcut, gawdy red dress) Well, Belle honey, Momma's off to work. If you need me, I'll be over at the red light...... clinic.

BOMB: (in a high pitched little voice) Oh Momma! When I grow up I wanna be a nurse just like YOU.

TUGGER: I'll be your first patient!

VERONI: SHHHHHHHHHH! Do you REALLY want them to hear you out there?

JEMI: I'm thinking YES.

GRIZ: Well, you keep developin' the way you are, and you'll have your own hospital. Now, I left you something to eat, and don't forget to do your chest exercises.

VERONI: (holding Tugger by his tail) Down boy.

GRIZ: And DON'T go spending your time dreamin' about those rich folks up there on Quality Hill!

BOMB: Oh yes, Momma! G'bye Momma!

GRIZ: Bye baby. (leaves)

BOMB: Little me up on Quality Hill? (sighs) Maybe I AM aiming too high.

(sings) But my heart says reach for the stars

And my heart I cannot deny.

Though it's my hard luck that I'm sorta stuck

On the farthest one in the sky.

So my eyes are destined to wander,

And my brain no more to relax.

For there's nothing farther out yonder

Than the other side of the tracks.

(A comotion comes from offstage) Ooooo! There's a bunch of rich folks coming this way! Ooooo! Rich folks! (rushes into her house)

JEMI: (walks out in a frilly lace dress) Are you SURE this is the right way, Pouncie?

POUNCE: (nasal voice) Positive! We take a short cut through Drifter's Row and take a left at the pile of dead pollicles--- Can we go?

JEMI: No! We're waiting for Noble Skimbleson.

POUNCE: Noble! We're always waiting for NOBLE. Just because he's captain of the wresting, debating, football and soccer team you think he's something SPECIAL.

(Audience laughs)

POUNCE: (whispers to the wings) They laughed! I made 'em laugh!

VERONI: Yeah. That's wonderful and everything, but it'd be even more wonderful if you would kindly STAY IN CHARACTER! (rolls her eyes)

JEMI: Oooo! Here he comes now!

(A cat in white and gold tumbles across the stage and into the wings)

JEMI: Hi Noble! Hello! Wait, Noble! You're going too fast!

SKIMBLE: (walks on from the opposite side of the stage) Hi gang!

VERONI: GAH! The body double thing only works when you come from the same side that Tumblebrutus just exited from, Skimbleshanks!

SKIMBLE: (quickly, to the wings) Too bad.

VERONI: Hey! He's being fresh to me! He's being fresh to ME! How dare he?

MUNKU: We've created another diva. Cower in fear!

(The rich kids debate the virtues of leaving some good food for the poor people of drifter's row. Despite Jemona and Pouncie's insistance, Noble approaches Belle's house...)

SKIMBLE: Hello? Is anyone in that THING? Poor kitties?

BOMB: (walks out and everything freezes) It was then that I first met Noble Skimbleson-- the love of my life. When I saw him, my heart brimmed with passion, my chest heaved, my knees wobbled, and the only thing I could think to say was, (tosses her trash right in Skimble's face as everything unfreezes) Oh gosh! I'm awful sorry!

LEXIE: (trying to sneak off)

VERONI: Where could you possibly be going?

LEXIE: Oooooh.... nowhere. Honest! Just gonna pop out and... check how full the audience is! That's it!

VERONI: Uh-huh. Right. SURE you are. You just wanna try and get Andrew Lloyd Webber's atttention.

LEXIE: Am I that transparent?

VERONI: To coin one of your phrases, "Yuh-huh!"

(Noble invites Belle to come to his sweet 16 party and rushes off with Jemona.)

BOMB: (same song, faster now)

On the other side of the tracks,

That is where I'm going to be.

On the other side of that great divide

Between fame and fortune and ME!

Gonna put my shadows behind me,

Give my inhibitions the axe,

KITTENS: Bombalurina? Inhibitions?

TUGGER: Sounds like one of those oxy-morons.

BOMB: (continues) So I'm off and running over the rail

I'm goin' gunnin' after the quail!

Off and running, send me my mail

To that great big world on the other side

That great big world on the farther side

That great big world on the other side of the tra-acks!

To that great big world---

That'll open WIDE---

To that great big world on the other side of the TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!!!

(Audience explodes in applause and Bomb rushes offstage)

TANTI: Quick change! (snags Bomb and starts changing her dress)

VERONI: Quickie HTML break... but there's more of this 20th parody event coming right up!