by Veronikitty

VERONI: Alright. Things are all better here now. Lexie's chilling out and Tanti's handling the phone call from PETA. We can continue now!

CATS: (unenthusiastically) Yay.

(When we last left off, Belle had been reunited with Lucky and Skimbal had dropped the *ahem* "bombshell" news that World War I had been declared. Amidst the chaos, Lucky and Belle do the only thing logical for two cats slightly in love with each other to do---- sing a drop dead sexy song)

TUGGER: (as he walks onstage) What IS it with her and the puns?

BOMB: Oh, Lucky! What should we do?

TUGGER: Don't worry about it, honey. The allies have things under control. Meanwhile, how about you and I go to my apartment and play a little game of two-handed romance?

BOMB: YEEEEES!!

VERONI: And it says that in the script, where?

BOMB: (begrudgingly) I still love Noble....

TUGGER: Forget him. It ain't in the cards for you two. C'mon Belle. Our hearts are shuffled, let's cut the deck!

(Sings) You've got no time for me.

You've got big things to do.

Well, my sweet chickadee,

I've got hot news for you.

(The kittens "catcall" from backstage.)

TUGGER: (loosens his tie) I've got your number.

I know you inside out.

You ain't no Eagle scout!

You're all at sea!

Oh, yes, you'll brag a lot,

Wave your own flag a lot,

But you're unsure a lot,

You're a lot like me, Oh.... (pulls off his suit jacket)

KITTENS: Whoo! Take it off Tuggsy-wuggsy! Take it ALL off!

VERONI: Oi vay.

TUGGER: I've got your number,

And what you're lookin' for.

And what you're lookin' for just suits me fine!

We'll break the rules a lot,

We'll be dam--

VERONI: AHEM?!

TUGGER: --demned fools a lot!

But till then why should we not,

How could we not combine when

I've got your number,

I've got the glow you've got.

I've got your number and

Baby you know, you've got MINE!

(He pulls off his tie, twirls it around his finger and flings it away, next taking off his vest, then his suspenders---)

KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

TUGGER: (pulls open his shirt) We'll break those rules a lot,

We'll be demned fools a lot!

But till then why should we not,

How could we not combine when

I've got your number,

I've got the glow you've got

I've got your number and

Baby you know you-ou-----'ve

GOOOOOOT MINE!!!

(As he walks off the stage, Bomb grabs his pullaway pants and rips them off.... only THEN does she follow him out.)

KITTENS: (sing) We love you! We love you! We love you!

VERONI: (stops in midscream) Wait... not wrong show. Same show... WRONG SONG! There's a new spin on a classic.

KITTENS: (still in unison) Always need to keep things interesting around here.

(When the lights come back up, Belle has significantly expanded at the waistline)

BOMB: The next morning, Lucky left to join the Marines. But he left me with renewed faith in myself, a will to live, and pregnant. Eight months later, both the Yanks and I were advancing at the front. Still, I did my best to entertain the toms! It was at a party for the 25th Illonois that I met my husband to be--- Fred Poitrine.

(A gaggle of queens rush over as soon as Belle walks in the room)

CET: Hey look who it is everyone! You remember Belle Bombfurt, doncha? Ms. Dimples!

BOMB: Heh heh. Hi. (attempts to conceal her expanded waist line)

VICKY: Can we get you anything to eat?

BOMB: No, that's quite alright. I just finished a jar of pickles and two ice cream shakes.

(Just then, in walks the nearsighted, bespecticaled, Urkel-ish, Fred Poitrine.)

SKIMBLE: Of all the humiliations.... this takes the cake! (pops in a set of fake buck teeth)

VERONI: Nah. The Penguins took that as compensation for almost being turned into crispy critters.

SKIMBLE: (voice muffled thanks to the teeth) Oh that'th jutht wonderful!

VICKY: There's someone I want you to meet--- Belle Bombfurt, meet Fred Poitrine.

SKIMBLE: (stumbles out onstage) Oh hi! I'm Fred Poitrine. U-ETH Army therial number thixth-four-theven-two-nine-eight-three-theven-thixth-two-nine! That'th jutht in cathe you can't remember my name.

BOMB: Hello, Fred.

(They talk for a few minutes and when the rest of the group is called to go out to the battlefield, Fred comes up with the brilliant idea that instead of a last dance before the platoon ships out, they should all get married. When a minister comes in and performs the cerimony, Fred discovers something he hadn't counted on when he suggested getting married.)

BOMB: Well? Aren't you gonna kiss me?

SKIMBLE: Kith you? Goth, I never counted on THAT.

BOMB: Fred, haven't you EVER been kissed before?

SKIMBLE: Well, I've had my fathe licked by my dog a few timeth.

BOMB: (rolls her eyes) Oh, come on Fred. It's easy.

SKIMBLE: Well, whaddya do with the notheth?

BOMB: One on each side.

SKIMBLE: OH! Well, you go to the right or we'll crath!

BOMB: (tries to kiss him, but he pulls back again)

SKIMBLE: Whaddya do with the teeth?

BOMB: Your lips cover your teeth.

SKIMBLE: The lipth cover the teeth? Ithn't nature WONDERFUL?!

TOMS: (stifling giggles and gaffaws backstage)

POUNCE: This is just TOO great..... so many jokes! So hard to pick just one!

(They kiss and Fred immediately goes into gleeful convulsions)

BOMB: Did you like it?

SKIMBLE: Like it?! I'M GETTIN' RID OF MY DOG!!!!! (spits out the teeth) That's it. I'll never get through this song with these suckers in there.

(sings) Pardon me, Miss, but I've never done this

With a real live queen.

Straight off the farm with an actual arm

Full of real live queen.

Pardon me if your affectionate squeeze

Fogs up my glasses and buckles my knees!

I'm simply drowned in the sight and the sound

And the scent and the feeeel

Of a real, live queen.

(The soldiers leave and the lights come up in the middle of battle where they are all still singing the same song.)

TOMS: Nothing can beat getting swept off your feet

By a----

SKIMBLE: (rushes out, holding his gun backwards and helmet on crooked) REAL LIVE QUEEEEEN!

TOMS: Shhhhhhh! Dreams in your bunk can't compare with a hunk

SKIMBLE: (paw stuck in his gun barrel by this point) Of a real, live queen!

ALL: Speaking of miracles, this must be it!

POUNCE: Just when I started to learn how to knit!

VERONI: Complicated dance sequence! Everyone who's not busy back here come on! I need help to make this work.

DEM: What do we do?

VERONI: When the guys come dancing by, hand them a doll from this stack. Next you replace the doll with a real queen. Then you give them the doll back. Got it?

JEMI: We'll try our best....

VERONI: (walking away) And suddenly I'm filled with terror and dread.

(The toms start whistling in time with the music and they rotate backstage, coming out holding the dolls)

VERONI: Whew. Stage one complete.

(On the next rotation, they come out dancing with the real queens.)

VERONI: I can't believe it! This might work afterall....

(On the last rotation, they come out dancing with..... PENGUINS??!!)

VERONI: (slamming her head against the wall) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

MUNGO: Oi tryed ta stop 'em.

RUMPLE: Dey put dose gang-bangair moves on us an' we din 'ave a chance!

VERONI: Penguin gangsters. Great. Just great.

MUNGO: Said somethin' 'bout evenin' da score wit ya. Did dis "incident" 'appen ta involve a flame throwa?

VERONI: Macavity must have introduced them to his henchmen. Just what I needed. "When Caterers Attack".

ALL: (still managing to sing somehow) Though we all hold out for Helen of Troy---

SKIMBLE: I am a healthy American boy!

ALL: I'd rather gape at the dear little shape

Of the stern and the keel

Of a real----

Unvocational, all operational---

Que-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-en.

(A few weeks later, Belle recieves a letter from the war department---)

SKIMBLE: (on the far side of the stage, miming a typewriter) Dearetht Quarter Mathter, pleathe thend uth two dozen of your finetht dinner napkinth, ath we have.... (paw gets stuck between the keys) Oh no. Not again... (stuggles with it for a long moment before finally prying himself loose) Whew. (stares at his paw) Blood? Everlathting Cat! Blood! (faints dead away)

BOMB: (on the other side of the stage) "Dear Mrs. Poitrine, the war committee regrets to inform you that your husband-- Private Fred Poitrine.. Died?.. In action?.. After sustaining a serious...... PINKY WOUND"?

(When word arrives via Momma that Noble is alive and kicking afterall and was not killed in the war, Belle immediately sets off to France to find her true love.)

SKIMBLE: (spits out the teeth into Lexie's paw) Whew. I can talk again. (rushes into his clothing for Noble)

LEXIE: Yay. And I can go reach for the disinfectant now.

(Meanwhile, the war being what it is, casualties are arriving in to the military hospital by the day. As Belle arrives she is just in time to run into an old friend who seems to have lost his memory----)

BOMB: Skimbal? Skimbal du Val?

SKIMBLE: (realizes he has the wrong clothes, rushes off and comes back on wearing an army outfit complete with a confetti dot tie and straw hat) Who am I? Where am I? (under his breath) No kiddin'.

JELLY: (acting as a nurse) You know this tom?

BOMB: He's Skimbal du Val, the great French entertainer! He once saved my life. Oh, what caused this General? (turns to The Rumpus Cat)

RUMPUS: I think it was an emotional shock caused by that letter.... he won't let anyone see it.

BOMB: Oh, Skimbal, you may not remember me, but I want to help you. Won't you tell ME what the letter says?

SKIMBLE: (quickly switching accents too) Ze letter? It sayz... (rambles along in something roughly French sounding)

BOMB: What does that mean?

SKIMBLE: I don't know! I forgot French!

CET: Saw that joke coming.

LEC: Mile away.

JEMI: If not more.

VICKY: Yawn.

VERONI: You're WAY too young to be this cynical!

ALL: We've been practicing.

(A canon fires offstage)

SKIMBLE: GAH! What was that?

ADMETUS: (wearing a general's outfit) The enemy canons.

SKIMBLE: Boom! BOOM!

CATS: (groan) Not this again...

ADMETUS: That's right. The canons go "Boom Boom". (walks off shaking his head and making the international sign for crazy)

BOMB: Wait, I think I may have an idea, General.

ADMETUS: We have no time now.

BOMB: But it could save his whole future.

ADMETUS: Fine. But please hurry. (calls over Plato) Get the trucks ready for evacuation-- and get a very fast car for me.

BOMB: Oh, Skimbal. Listen to the canons! TRY to remember...

(sings) If.... ze....

CATS: NOT AGAIN!!!!

BOMB: Queen--

SKIMBLE: (cowering) Boom? Boom?

BOMB: An' ze tom--

SKIMBLE: (shakes his head a little) Boom. Boom?

BOMB: An' zey get togezzer an' zey both--

SKIMBLE: Boom... Boom!!

BOMB: C'est le grande--

SKIMBLE: (shakes his hips a little) Boom! Boom!

BOMB: Et le grande--

SKIMBLE: Boom... BOOM!

BOTH: Zat's zey one BOOM BOOM for me!!

SKIMBLE: I remember! I remember! I am Skimbal du Val the great French entertainer!

CATS: Oi.

JEMI: I don't think we would have been heartbroken if he hadn't remembered.

VERONI: Shhhh! You're ruining the moment!

JEMI: Heaven forbid I ever do something like that.

VICKY: Wouldn't want THAT now, would we?

(Promising to never leave Skimbal, Belle sits down and waits for him to gather his things before they leave. As she speaks with the general, an old friend returns---)

BOMB: Noble!!

SKIMBLE: (reading backstage, halfway between costumes) Eeeps. (rushes out) BELLE!

BOMB: Oh darling, how have you been? You look tired---

SKIMBLE: (mutters) Gee, how could you guess? It comes with switching frantically between characters.

VERONI: SKIMBLE!!!! SCRIPT!!!!

SKIMBLE: --it comes from being shot down. Listen, we don't have much time. What I want to ask is--- Will you marry me?

BOMB: Marry you? But I haven't got wealth, culture, or social position---

SKIMBLE: And with all the cats who have seen me naked backstage frantically changing clothes, I don't happen to have my dignity either, but that shouldn't stop us!

VERONI: Stop ad-libbing or I'll make you into the FEMALE lead.

(Agreeing to marry him, Belle returns to waiting for Skimbal)

SKIMBLE: (rushes out, panting) Are you ready Belle?

BOMB: Oh, Skimbal! I have wonderful news! Noble and I are flying to Paris to get married!

SKIMBLE: (pauses) Who am I? Where am I? (rushes off)

TANTI: (holding Noble's aviator coat) This is insane.

CORI: (holding Skimbal's tie) Shhh! Here he comes now!

SKIMBLE: Clothes change--- again.

TANTI: How much MORE?

SKIMBLE: One or two..... thousand more. (rushes out onstage in Noble's coat and hat) Are you ready, Belle?

BOMB: (stuggles) I.. I've changed my mind. I can't marry you.

SKIMBLE: But Belle, you've GOT to. I just put a downpayment down on a bed!

KITTENS: Too much information.

(Broken hearted, Noble rushes off---- and Skimbal rushes on)

BOMB: I'm coming, General. But first I'm going to repay someone an old favor. I'm going to marry that great French entertainer!

SKIMBLE: (drags himself onstage, wearing an outfit that's half and half, and not coming all the way on) Skimbal du Val, c'est moi!

BOMB: (trying to stay in character) Come all the way out here and give me a hug!

SKIMBLE: (whispers) Can't quite do that Bomba... (tosses off Noble's coat and walks on, revealing Tantomile stuck to his belt by the paw) Met zis young kitty in ze infirmary...

TANTI: Stop with the jokes and help me get LOOSE! (rips her paw away, still holding the belt) I'm free!

SKIMBLE: (struggling to hold up his pants, pulls Bomba into a hug, facing the backdrop)

ADMETUS: (marches on, leading the troops) Let's move out, men! Left! Left! Left, right, left! (they pass by Bomba, still clutching onto Skimbal)

BOMB: (sings) But wherever you may be,

Oh, Noble....

Save the last BOOM BOOM for me!

(Suddenly, Noble appears on the opposite side of the stage, waving his hand in the air)

SKIMBLE: I'll wait for you still, Belle!

CATS: How'd he do that?!

MISTO: Don't look at me! No magic used in the creation of THAT.

VERONI: Not magic.

MUNKU: Than what WAS it?

VERONI: A good director never reveals her secrets. Now get ready for Act II.

TUGGER: (walks in, taking off Skimbal's tie and helmet) I switched with Skimbleshanks when the soldiers marched by.

VERONI: AHEM!

CATS: Oh. (walk off, shaking their heads)

TUGGER: What? I miss something?

VERONI: (conks him over the head with a roll of aluminum foil)

TUGGER: (sinks to the ground) Curses. Foiled again.