Cilla: Hiya, Macavity! Hey, thanks for being here on such short notice. I have the role of a lifetime for you!

Mac: (suspiciously) Really. What?

Cilla: You’re playing Tam, Jemima’s son!

Mac: *faints*

Misto: (comes in, starts visibly at seeing Macavity lying on the ground, but does not mention it) So, Cilla, what’s my torture for today?

Cilla: You? We’re doing Miss Saigon. You’re Chris.

Misto: Chris, huh? So, that’s just like a walk-on part, right? One line, two maybe?

Cilla: Well, um, no. Not exactly. Y’see, Chris is, well he’s, y’know…

Misto: (weakly) The male lead?

Cilla: Right.

Misto: *faints next to Macavity*

Cilla: Righto, we’d better get underway, or we’ll have the whole cast in a swoon. Smelling salts, anyone?

(Our story begins in the city of Saigon, Catnam, in April 1975. In the dressing room of a sleazy nightclub, a group of bar-queens are getting ready for their number.)

Cilla: Now guys, there are a lot of curse words in this show. I know it’s tempting, but please try to keep ‘em to a minimum.

Jelly: Which reminds me, Cilla. You’re going to cut any suggestive lyrics, I presume?

Cilla: Bad presumption, Jelly. If I cut all suggestive sections, we wouldn’t have a show left to work with.

Munku: Would that really be all that bad?

Cilla: Shut it and get your army dregs on. Look, I’ll do my best with the suggestive parts, okay?

(The bar-queens are Gigilurina, Cassmimi, Dvonne, Jenvette, and the new girl, Jekima.)

Jenny: WHAT?! You made me a bar-girl?

Cilla: I even blessed you with some suggestive lyrics!

Jelly: *faints*

Cassie, Demi & Jenny: Tonight I will be Miss Jellicle!

Bomba: Tonight you’ll be Miss Jumped-upon.

Wow, that didn’t rhyme.

Cilla: Alright, we have to skip the next couple lines. There could be kittens out there! Skimble, get out there!

Skimble: How come I hafta be the Engineer?

Cilla: You were the only suitable tom I could think of.

Skimble: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Allez! Allez! Allez!

Why does it take all day?

Get your bums on stage…I’m raising cash tonight!

Cassie, Demi & Jenny: Tonight I will be Miss Jellicle

Skimble: Look who I got out here

I can still engineer

It’s like the old days, my little gamines

Munku: Sounds like Les Mis!

Skimble: Ahem! May I continue?

Know who’s out there? A gang of Marines!

(He catches sight of Jekima.)

Why are you in that dress?

Ah, it’s my new princess!

Allez, allez, allez!

Get out and do your song!

Don’t make the show too long

Voila! Onstage all, welcome to…Dreamland!

(The queens go out on the club stage. “Dreamland” is full of U.S. Marines, including Christoffelees and Munkujohn. Apparently, the toms are off-duty and looking for something naughty.)

Toms: We love this song!

Cilla: So do I, so get it right!

Toms:The heat is on in Saigon

The queens are hotter ‘n hell

One of these queens here will be Miss Jellicle

The tension is high, not to mention the smell!

Pounce: That’s because Bustopher took off his shoes! Pee-U!

Bustopher: Well, I never!

Misto: I hate being the lead. How are you doing there, ‘John?

Munku: Chris! I got the hots for Dvonne!

We should get drunk and get la-

Cilla: Excuse me! Too vivid!

Munku: Alright, alright!

Misto: Oh, I tell ya buddy, I’ve had it!

I don’t wanna hear

Munku: Get outta here!

The heat is on in Saigon!

Until they tell me I’m gone

I’m gonna buy you a queen!

Misto: You can buy me a beer

Jenny: Look out, AA, here we come.

Cilla: OK, girls, have fun with these lines. Guys, try to keep the drooling to a minimum.

Cassie: See my bikini, it’s just the right size

Jenny: I’ve never been so humiliated. Don’t you enjoy how it rides up my thighs

Look from behind, it’ll knock out your eyes

Demi: I’ll show you, my special trophy of war!

Munku: Yeah, baby!

Cilla: Sheesh! Get a room! Tug, stop drooling on my paw. Bomb, you’re on.

Bomba: If I’m your pin-up, I’ll melt all your brass

Stuck on your wall with a pin in my a-

Cilla: BOMBA!!

Bomba: I wasn’t gonna say it. Jeez!

If you get me, you will travel first-class

I’ll show you, we will make magic, cherie!

Skimble: You buy more tickets from me

The winner gets her for free!

(He pushes Jekima onstage.)

Jemi: I’m seventeen and I’m new here today

The village I come from seems so far away

All of the queens know much more what to say,

But I know

I have a heart like the sea!

A million dreams are in me!

Misto: Great Heavyside, ‘John, who is she?

(They hold the contest for Miss Jellicle, and Gigilurina wins.)

Bomba: I would like to thank my manager, let’s see, my co-stars, oh yes, and of course, my Tuggie-poo…

Cilla: Someone get her to stop. The nerve! Not thanking the director! Alright now, everyone! Screw up this song, and you won’t live to see intermission.

Bomba & Jemi: *gulp*

(The scene freezes, and Gigilurina sings of her ‘American dream’.)

Bomba: They are not nice; they’re mostly noise

I know there’s nothing in their hearts

But every time I take one in my arms, it starts

The movie in my mind

The dream they leave behind

A scene I can’t erase

And in a strong GI’s embrace

Flee this life, flee this place

The movie plays and plays

The screen before me fills

He takes me to New York

Jemi: *sniff* We’re leaving New York.

Bomba: Stop it, kid, you’re makin’ me tear up.

He gives me dollar bills

Our kittens laugh all day

And eat too much ice cream

And life is like a dreeeeeeaam!

Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!!

The dream I long to fiiiind!

The movie in my miiiind!

Boy, this character is really disillusioned.

Jemi: The movie in my mind

The dream that fills my head

A tom who will not kill

Who’ll fight for me insteeeaaaaad!

He’ll keep us safe all day

So no one comes at night

To blow the dream awaaaaaaaaaay!!

Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!!

The dream I have to fiiiind!

The movie in my MIIIIIIIIND!!

A world that’s far away

Where life is not unkind

The movie in my mii-IIIIIND

Jenny: *sniff* That was pretty, girls.

Cilla: You see, Jenny? I’ll make you a Miss Saigon fan yet!

Jenny: Don’t push it.

(Munkujohn, being the good friend he is, has noticed that Christoffelees is interested in Jekima, and buys her from the Skimbleneer for his friend. Christoffelees and Jekima dance, then go back to their own room. Later that night, while Jekima sleeps, Christoffelees is awake, thinking.)

Misto: Catnam

You don’t give answers, do you, friend?

Just questions that don’t ever end

Whyyyy, Everlasting Cat?

Wow, that was a stretch.

Why todaaaaay?

I’m all through here, on my way

There’s nothing left here that I’ll miss

Why send me now a night like this?

Whyyyy, Everlasting Cat?

Why this faaaace?

Why such beauty in this place?

I liked my mem’ries as they were

Grizabella: Meeem’ryyyy…

Cilla: Griz, ¡cerra la boca!

Tugger: (whispering to Misto, who nods in agreement) I hate it when she talks in a language we don’t understand.

Griz: Um, well, I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it was anti-diva, so I guess I resent it!

Misto: Excuse me!! Can I just get on with it?

But now I’ll leave remem’bring her!

JUUUUST HEEEEEEEEEEEER!!

Munku: (grimacing) Please, Misto, these are the only ears I’ve got!

Misto: Wise tom.

(Anyhoo, once Jekima wakes up, which is very soon afterwards, with all the belting Christoffelees is doing--)

Misto: HEY!

Cilla: Ouch! Direct hit to the ego!

(--and Christoffelees gives her some money. They have a little talk, in which we discover that this is Jekima’s first time, if you catch my drift (and if you don’t, you weren’t meant to!). Christoffelees tells her he really doesn’t know her, and Jekima gets rather defensive.)

Jemi: Do you want one more tale of a Catnam girl?

Want to know I was bound to tom I don’t love?

Do you want to be told how my village was BURNED?!

Want to know how my family was blasted away?!

(Anyway, on that cheerful note, Chris feels sorry for her, and asks her if she’d like staying at his place. Jekima would like that, and they sing a lovely duet.)

Jemi: You are sunlight and I, moon

Joined by the gods of fortune

Midnight and high noon

Sharing the sky

We have been blessed, you and I

Misto: You are here like a mystery

I’m from a world

That’s so different from all that you are

How in the light of one night did we come so far?

How perfectly sappy.

(The next day, Christoffelees is on the phone with Munkujohn.)

Munku: I like this song, but I have to ask: why, o wise director, are we using bananas in place of telephones?

Cilla: Look, our budget is a little tight right now, okay?

Munku: (grumbling) That’s what they all say.

Misto: (sighing, holds a banana to his ear to signify being on the telephone)

‘John, is that you, buddy? Listen to me

Do I sound diff’rent? That’s how it should be

I just spent a whole lifetime in paradise

Hey, tell the C.O. I’m taking all of my leave

We’re gonna play house! Oh, ‘John, it’s like

Christmas Eve!

(The background cats are rolling around on the ground, hysterical.)

Misto: Laugh it up, guys.

Plato: Sorry, Misto, it’s just that with that banana, you look so…(he cracks up again)

Munku: (also holding banana)

What are you saying, are you out of your mind?!

All leave’s been cancelled; you could be left behind!

Saigon is falling apart, and you’d better be here!

You know, Misto, the difference between you and me is

I make this look good.

Misto: Not even you can make pretending to talk into a banana look dignified.

Munku: Here is the news since ya been on the moon

Cities in the boondocks are dropping like flies

Wives an’ civilians’ll be shippin’ out soon

Crowds around the Embassy have tears in their eyes

Thieu has resigned; the new regime may not hold

Thieu, huh. Funny name.

Cilla: Funny you should say that, Munkustrap.

Munku: Yeah, Cillabub.

Cilla: That’s Miss Director to you, furry.

Munku: *grrrr* Where was I? Oh, yes.

Kitties at the Palace think we’ll send the Marines

We are sending nothing from what I’ve been told

Buddy, are ya there? Do ya know what that means?

Sure! Time to fall in love!

Misto: ‘John, listen fast, you did not get this call!

Hey, you’re the one who bought the queen for me after all!

Once you are a friend, you’re a friend, through and through

When you are in trouble, then I’ll cover for you

You saw her, too!

She’s really more like…the April moon

Munku: (can’t believe what he’s hearing) April freakin’ moon?!

Misto: (ignoring him) She’s been hurt, y’see

Both her parents died

What else could she be?

Munku: Sweet as that and she’s an orphan, too!

How can a tom fight that?

You’ve got one day, not two! Then be back!

(So Christoffelees goes to the Skimbleneer, who tries to bargain for Jekima, but Chris gets to the point by offering some money and aiming a gun at the Skimbleneer’s head. Needless to say, they are able to reach an agreement.)

Cilla: There are several scenes with guns in this musical, so to promote anti-violence, instead of guns, we’ll use the ever popular bananas again.

All: AAAAHHH!!

Munku: Please, Cilla. Do you really think someone could even pretend to be afraid by having a quarter-pound fruit aimed at their head?

Demi: More like they would break down laughing.

Cilla: Alright, smart-alecks. You can say what you like, but that doesn’t change our budget.

All: *ggrrrrrrrrrr*

Cilla: Any more of that ‘grrrrrrrr’-ing, and I won’t give you that coffee break I was going to give you.

Misto: Okay, okay, we repent!

Tugger: Just let us have our caffeine!

Cilla: Okay, but…(sings) You’ve got one hour, not two! Then be back!