VERONI: Did you guys I grabbed at the end of the last part read over the scripts I handed out?

POUNCE: I still don't see why we have to do that after THIS! I'm going to be as tired as... as.... well, someone tired.

VERONI: You'll live.

POUNCE: Oh I'll live---- but I'll never LIVE IT DOWN. (walks off muttering about Veroni's next project) A blanket.... me! Suck my thumb! Well I never....

VERONI: Well, that's going to happen later. Right now I can't wait to see what Matt does with you guys next.

TUGGER: (walks by with his mane powdered) You mean TO us.

VERONI: Who was that?

TUGGER: (groans and turns around) It's me.

VERONI: TUGGER??? *laughs* I didn't recognise you with---

TUGGER: DON'T SAY IT!!! (mutters) I told Juliet not to take my belt.. but did she listen? No-o-o-o.

(We are now in River City, Iowa. The town is all decorated for the Fourth of July festivities. The background cats who played travelling salestoms (except Macavity) are now dressed up as townspeople, and they join the other cats who are out on stage. So what do they do in Iowa to welcome you? THEY SING!)

TUMBLE: Oh, there's nothing halfway about the Iowa way to treat you when we treat you

VICTOR: Which we may not do at all.

CORI: There's an Iowa kind of special chip-on-the-shoulder attitude we've never been without

TANTOMILE: That we recall.

ALL: We can be cold as our falling thermometers in December if you ask about our weather in July,

GUS: And we're so by gosh stubborn we can stand touchin' noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye!

ALL: But what the heck, you're welcome, join us at the picnic,

You can eat your fill of all the food you bring yourself,

You really ought to give Iowa a try.

BUSTOPHER: (in a booming bass) PROVIDED YOU ARE CONTRAAAARYYYYYYY.

(There's some small dialogue here, and then the cats sing again...)

ALL: We can be cold as our falling thermometers in December if you ask about our weather in July

And we're so by gosh stubborn we can stand touchin' noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye!

(slow down)

But we'll give you our shirt and a back to go with it

If your crops should happen to die!

(music picks up)

PLATO: So what the heck, you're welcome, glad to have you with us

PLATO AND VICTORIA: Even though we may not ever mention it again

ALL: You really ought to give Iowa

Hawkeye Iowa

Dubuque, Des Moines, Davenport, Marshalltown, Mason City, Keokuk, Ames, Clear Lake

Ought to give Iowa a tryyyyyyy!

(they all collapse. When they revive themselves, Hairball Hill goes to a livery stable. Jacey Skimbles, the proprietor, is standing out front.)

TUGGER: Ah, Mr. Skimbles? Yes, I'm interested in a rig for Sunday, if you could accomodate me.

SKIMBLE: Then I expect you'd ought to see the man in charge of hirin' rigs...who is late as usual.

(The said cat appears, running on stage. It is Mistoffus Rugburn...)

ALL: Oooooh, lousy pun.

(...who takes one look and sees Prof. Hill, and looks at him in disbelief.)

MISTOFFOLEES: And why am I the second banana in this one?

MATT: Because you get a really cool song in the second act and you're the only cat I thought could pull it off.

MISTO: OK, if you say so...(gets into character)

Hey Tuggery!

TUGGER: Mistoffus!

MISTO: You old son of a gun! What in-

TUGGER: Shhh...

MISTO: But Tug...

TUGGER: Professor Hill's the name--Hairball Hill.

JULIE: I don't know about the hill part but Tugger always seems to make me want to hack a hairball!

MISTO: But Tug, what are you doing here! Whyn't you let me know you was comin'?

TUGGER: I didn't know I was myself. Besides, how could I know you'd end up in a little tank town like this? You were a pretty big slicker when you were in business with me.

MISTO: Too many close shaves the way you work. Besides, I got me a nice comfortable queen--Ethel Tantomiler--boss's niece.

TUGGER: Gone legitimate, huh? I knew you'd come to no good.

MISTO: What's the new pitch?

(Hill pantomimes conducting, but he waves his arm a bit too far and accidentally whacks Misto in his eye.)

TUGGER: Whoa, sorry about that, little buddy!

MISTO: OWWWWW! WATCH IT, TUGGER! You big oaf...

MATT: Uh, Misto, you're still on.

MISTO: (trying to shake off the pain) You're not back in the band business! I heard you was in steam automobiles!

TUGGER: I was.

MISTO: What happened?

TUGGER: Somebody actually invented one.

MISTO: NO!

TUGGER: Now give me the lowdown here, Stoff.

MISTO: You'll never get anywhere in the band business with these stubborn Iowans, Tug. Besides, we got a stuck-up music teacher here who'll expose you before you get your grip unpacked.

TUGGER: Male or female?

MISTO: The music teacher? She's the librarian-female.

TUGGER: Perfect! That's what I wanted to hear. If she passes by, point her out to me.

MISTO: I will. How you gonna start the pitch?

TUGGER: Same old way. Keep that music teacher off balance, and then my next step will be to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in.

MISTO: River City isn't in any trouble.

TUGGER: Then I'll have to create some.

DEM: For the Tugger, that's easy to do!

TUGGER: (glares at Demeter, then continues) I have to create a desperate need for a Toms Band. You remember--now, what's new around here? What can I use?

MISTO: Nothin', except the billiard parlor's just put in a new pool table.

TUGGER: They never had a pool table here before?

MISTO: No--only billiards.

TUGGER: That'll do. (he puts his suitcase down) See you later, Stoff, and don't forget, music teacher. (he mimics piano playing.)

MISTO: (also pantomimes as well and exits) Music teacher...

(Hairball Hill approaches the grocery store. The owner, Munkuwart Dunstrap, has come out and is looking at his sign.)

MUNKUSTRAP: Thank the Everlasting Cat I'm not the lead in this one! Second time in a row!

TUGGER: Yeah, bro, Matt FINALLY came to his senses and let me have a lead!

MUNKU: Why I oughtta... (Tugger gets back into character before Munkustrap can threaten him)

TUGGER: Ah, you're Mr. Dunstrap?

MUNKUSTRAP: Yep.

TUGGER: Either you're closing your eyes to a situation you don't wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the calibre of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.

(As he breaks into song, numerous cats gather around him one by one.)

MATT: I sure hope Tugger can do this song...

JULIE: Now THIS'LL be fun to watch!

TUGGER: Ya got trouble, my friend, right here I say trouble right herer in River City. Why sure, I'm a billiard player, certainly mighty proud I say I'm always mighty proud to say it.

I consider the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden.

Help you cultivate horse sense, and a cool head and a keen eye. 'Jever take and try to give an iron-clad leave to yourself from a three-rail billiard shot?

But just as I say say it takes judgment, brains and maturity to score in a balkline game, I SAY that any BOOB can take and shove a ball in a pocket.

And I call that sloth! The first big step on the road to the depths of deg-ra-day-I say first-

Medicinal wine from a teasponn, THEN-beer from a bottle.

And the next thing you know your son is playin' for money in a pinch-back suit.

JENNYANYDOTS: Look who's talking!

(Jenny's smart crack doesn't stop Tugger's momentum.)

TUGGER: ...And listenin' to some big out-a-town Jasper hearin' him tell about horse race gamblin'.

Not a wholesome trottin' race. No! But a race where they set down right on the horse!

Like to see some stuck up jockey boy settin' on DAN PATCH? Make your blood boil? Well I should say.

Friends, lemme tell you what I mean.

Ya got one, two, three, four, five six pockets in a table! Pockets that mark the difference between a gentleman and a bum with a capital B and that rhymes with P and that stands for POOL!

And all week long your River City youth'll be fritterin' away, I say your young men will be fritterin'

Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too!

Get the ball in the pocket, never mind gettin' dandelions pulled or the screen door patcher or the beefsteak pounded!

And never mind pumpin' any water till your parents are caught with the cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble, oh yes, we got lots and lots of trouble, I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers, shirt-tail young ones, peekin' in the pool hall window after school, Look Folks!

Right here in River City

Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POOL!

Now I know all you cats are the right kind of parents.

I'm going to be perfectly frank.

Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're loafin' around that hall? They're tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out Cubebs, tryin' out Tailor Mades like CIgarette Fiends!

And braaaggin' all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath win Sen Sen. One fine night

They leave the pool hall, headin' for the dance at the Armory! Libertine toms and scarlet queens! And RAGTIME, shameless music that'll grab your son and your daughter with the arms of a jungle animal instinct MASS-STERIA!

ELECTRA: Wow, Tugger looks like he's about to pass out!

TUGGER: (still going, despite the fact he's wearing down) Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground...Trouble!

OTHER CATS: Oh we've got trouble

TUGGER: Right here in River City!

OTHER CATS: Right here in River City!

TUGGER: With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool

OTHER CATS: That stands for pool!

TUGGER: We've surely got trouble!

OTHER CATS: We've surely got trouble!

TUGGER: Right here in River City!

OTHER CATS: Right here!

TUGGER: Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones moral after school!

OTHER CATS: Our children's children gonna have trouble...

Trouble...trouble...(continue singing this in the background. Meanwhile, Hairball Hill keeps going, despite the fact he is about ready to collapse from exhaustion)

TUGGER: Mothers of River City! Heed the warning before it's too late! Watch out for the tell-tale signs of corruption! The moment your son leaves the house does he rebuckle his knickerbockers BELOW the knee? Is there a nicotine stain on his index claw? A dime novel hidden in the corn crib? Is he memorizing jokes out of Capt. Billy's Whiz-Bang? Are certain WORDS creeping into his conversation? WORDS like "Swell" and "So's your old man"? If so, MY FRIENDS...

MISTO: How can that cat still be on his feet after all that?

TUGGER: (whose tank is almost on "empty") Ya got trouble!

OTHER CATS: Oh we've got trouble

TUGGER: Right here in River City!

OTHER CATS: Right here in River City!

TUGGER: With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!

OTHER CATS: That stands for pool!

TUGGER: We've surely got trouble!

OTHER CATS: We've surely got trouble!

TUGGER: Right here in River City!

OTHER CATS: Right here!

(Mistoffus runs on stage, indicating that the music teacher, Marian Purroo, is approaching, as the song ends)

TUGGER: Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule!

OTHER CATS: Our children's children gonna have trouble!

TUGGER: Oh we've got trouble, we're in terrible terrible trouble, that game with the fifteen numbered balls is Firefrorefiddle's tool

OTHER CATS: Firefrorefiddle's tool!

TUGGER: Oh yes we got trouble trouble trouble!

OTHER CATS: Oh yes we got trouble here we got big big trouble)

TUGGER: With a capital T

OTHER CATS: With a capital T

TUGGER: Gotta rhyme it with P

OTHER CATS: That rhymes with P

TUGGER: (with his last surge of strength) AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL!

OTHER CATS: THAT STANDS FOR POOOOOOOOL!

(At that moment, the librarian/music teacher, Marian Purroo--played by Demeter--walks by. Hairball Hill follows her so far, but because Tugger overexerted himself for this song, he can only go a few steps before he collapses, gasping for air.)

TUGGER: *gasps* I need some Mountain Dew, and I need it NOW!

MATT: You won't be in the next scene. Here's a two-liter bottle. Drink up, you're going to need it.

TUGGER: Thank the Everlasting Cat! (chugs the Mountain Dew)

(Anyway, after reading the script, it turns out Tugger is in the next scene, but since he's on "recharge", I'll sum up what happens...Prof. Hill follows Marian home, and she slams the door in his face.)

TUMBLE: Yeah Tugger! Still the ladies' cat, huh?!

TUGGER: You're lucky I'm too tired to move.

(So we are now inside Marian's house. Her mother, Mrs. Purroo, is doing her household chores, as a young kitten, Jemaryllis, is playing a piano.)

MATT: Uh, where's Jemima?

JELLYLORUM: Bad news, Matt, Jemima fell in a tuba!

MATT: Oh boy...

JELLY: But don't worry, the Rumpus Cat's getting her out.

(a loud note on the tuba is heard, and Jemima shoots out and crashes into the set, nearly ripping a hole into it. She's a bit woozy, but after a while she sits down at the piano.)

JEMIMA: Ooooooh. Anyone got some seasick pills?

CASSANDRA: You can have mine. They're left over from "The Scarlet Skimblenel."

MATT: MAY WE DO THIS SCENE? Oyyyyyy....

JENNYANYDOTS: (with an Irish accent) That you, Daughter?

DEMETER: Yes, Mama. Keep on, Jemaryllis, I'll be there in a minute.

CORI: Wow, Jenny developed a nice Irish accent!

SKIMBLE: 'Twas nothin' a few days with me couldn't fix.

CORI: Wow, Skimble, is there any accent you can't do?

SKIMBLE: Just a Russian one. Like I'll need it.

JULIE: You never know, someone might want to do a "Chess" parody...

SKIMBLE: Eep.

(Marian enters)

DEM: Hello, Mama. (she kisses her mother and corrects a mistake Jemaryllis had just made. And she tells her mother something else...)

Mama, a tom with a suitcase has been following me all over town.

JENNY: Oh--who?

DEM: I never saw him before.

JENNY: Did he say anything?

DEM: He tried.

JENNY: Did YOU say anything?

DEM: Mama, of course not. Now don't dawdle, Jemaryllis.

(Jemaryllis begins her exercises and Marian begins to sing along)

Sol do la re ti mi, a little slower and please keep the claws curved as nice and high as you possibly can.

Don't get faster dear.

JENNY: If ya don't mind my sayin' so, it wouldn't have hurt ya to find out what the gentletom wanted.

DEM: I know what the gentletom wanted.

POUNCE: Yeah! S-E-... (Jellylorum clamps her paw over his mouth.)

JELLY: POUNCIVAL! Where did you learn these things?

POUNCE: From Tugger.

(Jellylorum glares at Tugger, but he pays it no mind, he's busy chugging down Mountain Dew so he can get through this play. Back on stage...)

JENNY: What, dear?

DEM: You'll find it in Balzac.

JENNY: Excuse me for livin', but I've never read it.

(Jemaryllis repeats in a new key, and Marian sings again)

DEM: Neither has anyone else in this town

JENNY: (who is now joining in on the act) There you go again with that same old comment about the low mentality of River City kitties and taking it all to much to heart!

DEM: Now, Mama, as long as the-- (exercise starts again)

Madison Public Library was entrusted to me for the purpose of improving River City's cultural level, I can't help my concern that the queens of River City keep ignoring all my counsel and advice!

JENNY: But darling--(exercise starts again, with a full orchestra this time) When a queen's got a husband and you've got none, why should she take advice from you, even if you can quote Balzac and Shakespeare and all them other hi-falutin' Greeks?

(the song continues, as does the exercise)

DEM: Mama, if you don't mind my sayin' so, you have a bad habit of changing every subject...

JENNY: Now I haven't changed the subject. I was speakin' of that stranger...

DEM: What stranger?

JENNY: WITH THE SUITCASE who may be your very last chance!

DEM: Mama, if you think that I'd allow a common masher, now, really, Mama, I have my standards where toms are concerned and I have no intention--

JENNY: I know all about your standards and if ya don't mind my sayin' so there's not a man alive who could hope to measure up to that blend of Paul Bunyan, St. Pat and Noah Webster you've concocted for yourself outta your Irish imagination, your Iowa stubbornness and your library full of books!

(gasps for air)

TUMBLE: Jeez, Matt, you're going to wear us all out by the end of this show!

MATT: All the more so I can get you guys ready for the next parody without anyone making a fuss about it.

TUMBLE: Eep!

(Moving right along, Jemaryllis is continuing with her lesson when Marian's younger brother Pouncethrop enters. We find out that he hardly talks to anyone because of his lisp...)

TUMBLE: Thufferin' thuccotath!

CARB: Yeah, that'th the thtuff.

POUNCE: OK, OK, THAT DOES IT! You two are gonna get yours after this play is over!

(...however, Jemaryllis won't stop being nice to him. She still wishes him goodnight when the evening star is seen. Marian takes this to heart and sings a song which isn't one of my favorites because it's kinda slow, so we'll skip it...)

JULIE: Yet we won't be skipping "76 Trombones", even though it has the same melody?

MATT: You guessed right. Who are ya, Perry Mason?

JULIE: But why?

MATT: Because "76 Trombones" is actually a bit faster. I can't help it if I have a short attention span during slow songs.

DEM: Either way, I'm not singing, and I have you to thank, Matt!

(The next scene takes place in the high school gym, which is decorated with a few red, white and blue streamers. Jellalie Mackecknie Gushinn, the mayor's wife, leads a singing of "Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean", as Mistoffus's gal pal, Ethel Tantomiler, is at the player piano. She steps down as her husband, Mayor George Gushinn, steps up to the podium. He is very full of himself, so this gives Gus plenty of opportunities to overact...)

GUS: I HEARD THAT!

(gets into character)

I'm sure we're all grateful to my wife, Jellalie Mackecknie Gushinn, for leading the singing and to Jacey Skimbles for his fine stereoptician slides, and to Ethel Tantomiler, our fine player-piano player...uh, piano. As Mayor of River City I welcome you River Citizians to the Fourth of July exercises set up for the indoors here in Madison Gymnasium account the weather. Four score...

(the other cats are snoring.)

OLD DEUTERONOMY: I just thank the Everlasting Cat that it's not me up there! Let them fall asleep while Gus is speaking for a change!

(A loud flapping noise is heard, it's the end of the piano roll which Ethel was rolling. The other cats wake up, and Gushinn looks around and starts over.)

GUS: Four score--

(Munkuwart Dunstrap gets up from his seat and hands him a note)

Ah, the members of the School Board will now present a patriotic tableau...

(The other school board members--Jacey Skimbles, Alonzer Hix, and Bustolin Britt--indicate that he's wrong.)

Oh, the members of the School Board will NOT present a patriotic tableau. Some disagreement about costumes, I suppose. Instead the Wa Tan Ye queens of the local wigwam of Heeawatha will present a spectacle my wife--

(looks at notes again)

ELECTRA: This isn't too much of a stretch for Gus, is it?

ETCETERA: Why do you think Matt cast him as the Mayor?

LEC: So Old Deuteronomy wouldn't play him, which would keep us all awake.

GUS: (undaunted)...in which my wife, Jellalie Mackecknie Gushinn, will take a leading part!

(Marian sits down at the piano and plays Native American-style music. Led by Jellalie, a group of queens does a Native American war dance step. Jemaryllis is playing a guide and struggling with a rifle. Jellalie adjusts it and starts pounding on a tom-tom.)

JELLY: Wa Tan Ye!

OTHER QUEENS: Wa Tan Ye!

JELLY: Wa Tan Ye!

OTHER QUEENS: Wa Tan Ye!

JELLY: I will now count to twenty in the Ind--

MATT: We gotta be PC here, Jellylorum...

JELLY: Make that the Native American tongue! Een teen tuther feather fip!

(A loud firecracker goes off. It was shot by a young tom from the wrong side of the tracks, Mungotommy Djerras. Jellalie falls over, since he was sitting in front of her.)

JELLY: I'm shot, George! George! Who shot me?

VERONI: And on that note.... SNACK BREAK!!!

JELLY: But who shot me?

JEM: Who cares? Grub's here!

JELLY: Very good point. (rushes out after Jemima)