(When we last left off, Mungotommy Djerras had set off a firecracker that disrupted the River City 4th of July celebrations. When the town constable grabs Mungotommy, the four school board toms began arguing about little things such as the weather and the train schedule, with poor Mayor Gushinn trying to say his speech. Hairball Hill, who had gone unnoticed, jumps up, and resumes his pitch against the town pool table.)

MATT: Ready to go on again, Tugger?

TUGGER: (still on a mild caffeine high) You bet!

JULIE: Here Tugger, drink this herbal tea.

TUGGER: (chugs it) Thanks Juliet...how much caffeine is in this?

JULIE: None. All natural high.

MATT: I see someone's in a "Hair" mood already!

TUGGER: (gets back into character and takes the podium)

Friends, may I have your attention please?

Attention please!

I can deal with this trouble, friends, with a wave of my paw, this very paw...

MISTO: Hey, only I can do that!

TUGGER: Please observe me if you will, I'm Professor Hairball Hill, and I'm here to organize the River City Toms' Band!

(a drum roll is heard, making Victor, who was standing too close to the orchestra pit, jump)

Oh, think, my friends, how could any pool table ever hope to compete with a gold trombone? Raa-raaa--ra-da-da-da-da- raaa-ra...Remember, my friends, what a handful of trumpet players did to the famous fabled walls of Jericho, oh billiard parlor walls come tumblin' down!

Oh, a band'll do it, my friends, oh yes, I mean a Toms' Band, do you hear me? I say River City's gotta have a Toms' Band and I mean she needs it today!

Well, Professor Hairball Hill's on hand, and River City's gonna have her Toms' Band, as sure as the Everlasting Cat made little green apples and that band's gonna be in uniform! Johnny, Willy, Teddy, Fred! And you'll see the glitter of crashing cymbals, and you'll hear the thunder of rolling drums, the shimmer of trumpets--TAN-TA-RA!

And you'll feel something akin to the electric thrill I once enjoyed when Gilmore, Liberatti, Pat Conway, The Great Creatore, W.C. Handy, and John Philip Sousa all came to town on the very same historic day!

(sings)

MATT: Tugger, this is the signature song of the show, DON'T mess it up!

TUGGER: 76 trombones led the big parade

With 110 cornets close at hand

They were followed by rows and rows of the finest virtuosos,

The cream of every famous band!

76 trombones caught the morning sun

With 110 cornets right behind

There were more than a thousand reeds springing up like weeds

There were horns of every shape and kind

There were coppor bottom tympani in horse platoons

Thundering, thundering, all along the way

Double bell euphoniums and big bassoons, each bassoon having his big fat say!

There were fifty mounted cannons in the battery

Thundering, thundering, louder than before

Clarinets of every size

And trumpeters who'd improvise

A full octave higher than the score!

(gasps for air, but then parades around with a group of kittens)

ALL: 76 trombones hit the counterpoint

While 110 cornets blazed away

To the rhythm of Harch, Harch, Harch

All the kids began to march

And they're marching still-right today!

(The kittens pantomime instruments, Hill leading the way. Soon everyone joins in and parade out. The school board toms are the last to leave, and Mayor Gushinn tracks them down, requesting the Professor's credentials. Just as he finishes saying this, Mungotommy Djerras tries to make a break for it...)

GUS: Grab that hoodlum! He almost blew up Mrs. Gushinn!

(Hill grabs Mungotommy by his collar, and the town constable--Rumpus Cat--talks to him.)

MUNGOJERRIE: Jeez, Tugger, leggo me collar! YOU'RE SUFFOCATIN' ME!

RUMPUS CAT: Thank you, Professor. Have to make an example of him. Ringleader, you know. What he does the gang does.

MUNGO: Lemme go!

GUS: Ya wild kitten ya. Hanging around my oldest queen. His father is one of them day laborers south of town. Ya wild kitten ya. Taggin' down Main Street after my oldest queen last Sunday.

MUNGO: Oi wasn't either taggin'!

GUS: Don't you counterdict me!

MUNGO: We wos jus' walkin' together, Jeely Kly..

GUS: You watch your phraseology! I know what you was doin', my little Gracetoria seen ya. Now you stay away from my oldest queen or you'll hear from me till who laid the rails! Hill, I'll talk to you Monday morning about this band thing. Over at City Hall, 10:00 sharp! Men, I want that spellbinder's credentials.

TUGGER: (As the Constable starts off with Mungotommy) Constable, I'll be responsible for the tom.

(Well, anyway, the Professor works his magic on Mungotommy Djerras, convincing him he is needed in the band to invent a music stand for a piccolo player. He also breaks up Mungotommy's gang by having them escort the We Tan Ye queens, led by Mayor Gushinn's eldest, Bombazyneeta, home.)

RUMPUS CAT: Professor, you're a pretty bright young fellow. You made a couple mistakes though.

TUGGER: Oh?

RUMPUS CAT: The Mayor happens to own the billiard parlor and that new pool table.

TUGGER: Oh. What was my other mistake?

RUMPUS: That Bombazyneeta...she's the Mayor's oldest daughter.

(Marian and the older ladies enter from the right, but the school board toms approach Hill before he can make a move.)

MUNKU: Just a minute, Professor Hill. We'd like to have your credentials. We're the School Board.

BUSTOPHER: Academic certificates.

ALONZO: Nothing of the kind!

MUNKU: We need letters and papers!

SKIMBLE: Make him put up a bond!

TUGGER: What am I HEARING?

(blows into a pitch pipe and points at Bustolin)

Say (sings on low note) Ice Creeeeeam.

BUSTOPHER: Ice Cream, but I don't sing, young tom, if that's what you're...

TUGGER: All right, talk then. (lowers voice) Down here.

BUSTOPHER: Ice cream.

TUGGER: Talk slow!

BUSTOPHER: (by now that bass voice of his is booming) ICE CREEEAAAAMMM.

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEE!!!!!

TUGGER: See? Singing is only sustained talking. (points to Alonzer and sings in a baritone note) Now yoouuuuu...

ALONZO: (sings in full baritone) Ice Creeeeeaaaam.

TUGGER: (to Munkuwart) Now yooouuu. Right heeeere.

MUNKU: (in tenor) Ice Creeeeeam.

TUGGER: (points upward at Jacey) Now, you, sir!

SKIMBLE: (hitting that high note) Ice Creeeeeeeeeam!!!!

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEE!

MATT: Quiet!

LEC: We can't help it! EEEEEEEEE!

TUGGER: DO YA MIND?!

(back in character, to Marian and the queens) Ladies, from now on you'll never see one of those toms without the other three.

JELLY: Oh, Professor, you're wrong! Why, they've hated each other for fifteen years!

MUNKU, SKIMBLE, BUSTOPHER, and ALONZO: (hitting a beautiful four part harmony behind Hill's back) Ice Creeeeeaaaaammmm!

(Julie and Matt put their earplugs in.)

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Hairball Hill joins them, and leads them in song...)

TUGGER: (sings) How can there be...

MUNKU, SKIMBLE, BUSTOPHER, AND ALONZO: (in four part harmony. Munkuwart is the tenor, Jacey is the high tenor, Bustolin is the bass, and Alonzer is the baritone)

...any sin in siiiiinceeeere?

Where is the good in goodbyyyyeeee...

SKIMBLE: Good in goodbyyyyeeeeeeee...

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

MUNKU, SKIMBLE, BUSTOPHER AND ALONZO: Your apprehensions confuse me dear

Puzzle and mystify

Mystify

Tell me

What can be in farewell, dear...

FEMALE KITTENS: SQUEEEEAAAAALLLL!

JELLY: Wow, they sound beautiful!

TUGGER: Yeah, but they're taking MY queens!

MUNKU, SKIMBLE, BUSTOPHER, AND ALONZO: (both harmonizing skills and egos increasing by the minute) While one single star shines abooooove

How can there be any sin in siiiinceeere?

SKIMBLE: Aren't we sincerely in looooove?

MUNKU, SKIMBLE, BUSTOPHER, AND ALONZO: Oh we're in looooooove!

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

LEC: Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh that was sooooooo awesome!

JEMI: Oooohhhh, you guys sound sooooo great! Just like N'SYNC! EEEEEE!

SKIMBLE: I didn't think we were THAT bad.

MATT: Don't listen to them...teenyboppers. You guys were awesome though.

BUSTOPHER: Well how about that. All I have to do is sing like Barry White and those female kittens respect me a little more!

(The next scene begins. Marian is in front of the library, and Hairball is following her, having started to pursue her while the quartet was singing.)

TUGGER: Partly because of the stage directions, partly because those four are STEALING MY QUEENS!

(gets into character)

I suppose you don't live alone or anything.

DEM: No!

TUGGER: I've got some wonderful caramels over at the hotel if you'd...

DEM: Mister Hill!

TUGGER: PROFESSOR Hill.

DEM: Professor of what? At what college do they give a degree for annoying women on the street like a Saturday night rowdy at a public dance hall?

MUNKU: Oooooh, Tugger, you got...uh, Pounce, what's that word?

POUNCE: Dissed, Munkustrap?

MUNKU: Thanks. Ooooh, Tugger, you got DISSED!

TUGGER: (glares at Munkustrap and Pouncival and continues) Oh, I wouldn't know about that. I'm a Conservatory tom myself. Gary Indiana Gold Medal Class of '05.

DEM: Even should that happen to be true does that give you the right to follow me around wherever I go? Another thing, Mr. Hill, I'm not as easily mesmerized or hoodwinked as some people in this town and I think it only fair to warn you that I have a shelf full of reference books in there which may very well give me some interesting information about you.

MUNKU: You sure know how to pick 'em, don't you, Tugger?

TUGGER: Oh, shut up.

(Hairball starts after Marian, but Mistoffus enters...)

MISTO: Hey, Tuggery!

TUGGER: Oh hi, Mistoffus. And don't call me Tug...

MISTO: How'd you make out with the music teacher?

TUGGER: Scrumptious. Ate out of my paw the minute I tipped my hat.

(the backstage toms start laughing)

MISTO: She did! Boy did you cut a swath over at the high school tonight. For a minute even I thought you knew something about leadin' a band. Just like when you used to imitate that band-concert fellow back in Joplin.

TUGGER: Yeah! (pantomimes conducting again, making sure of where Misto is so he doesn't deck him again) Aw--kid stuff. I'm in rare form these days, son. Just you keep your eyes on me for the next four weeks.

(The female kittens take his words to heart, and are glued to him.)

JELLY: He didn't mean YOU, ladies!

MISTO: Four weeks! It only used to take ten days for the instruments to arrive!

POUNCE: But then we'd have no play!

TUMBLE: You seem to be a bit too eager to get on with this, Pounce. Remember who you play in thith!

POUNCE: Oh yeah...

(Back on stage...)

TUGGER: It still does. But it takes four weeks for the uniforms.

MISTO: Oh no, Tug! You haven't added uniforms!

TUGGER: Uniforms AND instruction books.

MISTO: Instruction books?! But you can't pass yourself off as a music professor--I mean, not for any four weeks!

TUGGER: Stoff...

MISTO: But you don't know one note from another.

TUGGER: I have a revolutionary new method called the Think System where you don't bother with the notes.

VICKY: We have to THINK for this play? No one told me!

MISTO: But in four weeks the cats will want to hear the music! You'll have to lead a band!

(Anyway, the next line that Hairball Hill speaks is quite long...basically, he's going to collect the money for the uniforms and so on and skip town. He has another song here, but we'll skip it, as the town's prissy queens show up. Mistoffus evades the crowd, but Hairball is mobbed.)

GRIZ: Oh, Professor Hill, we're all agog, simply agog!

CASS: On the que veev!

RUMPLETEAZER: Everyone's saow excoited abou' the band!

TANTI: I'm Ethel Tantomiler. The pianola queen?

CASS: And this is Mrs. Skimbles, and Mrs. Hix. And of course you met Jellalie Mackecknie Gushinn? Our Mayor's wife? Isn't it exciting, Jellalie?

JELLY: Oh, I couldn't say, I COULD NOT SAY. Oh no, I could not say at this time. My husband will wish to investigate, I'm sure. And naturally I'm reticent. Oh yes, I'm reticent.

TUGGER: Of course, Mrs. Gushinn, I understand. But you see, part of my music plans include a committee on the dance and--no, wait, wait wait! Do that again, Mrs. Gushinn!

(He obviously saw something the rest of us didn't.)

Your hind leg! The way your raised it, just now!

VICKY: You mean like THIS?! (lifts her leg parallel to her body)

CET: I wish you'd stop doing that.

POUNCE, TUMBLE, AND CARB: Not us!

JELLY: (lifts her hind leg slightly...) Oh, well, I have an ingrown claw there that bothers...

TUGGER: Ohhh, what grace! What natural flow of rhythm! What expression of line and movement!

JELLY: Mr. Hill!

TUGGER: You MUST accept the chairmanship of the Queens' Auxiliary for the classic dance, mustn't she, ladies?

OTHER QUEENS: Oh yes! Please! You must, Jellalie!

TUGGER: Every move you make, Mrs. Gushinn, bespeaks Del Sarte. Will you--will you? Say yes, Mrs. Gushinn!

JENNY AND JULIE: DON'T BELIEVE THAT STUFF, ESPECIALLY COMING FROM THE TUGGER!

JELLY: JELLALIE MACKECKNIE GUSHINN!...ah, well...I, ah, that is...Dancing! Well!

TUGGER: Then you accept?

JELLY: Yes indeed! And I would like to say...

TUGGER: Thank you. Now the young queen who plays piano, Marian Purroo, I believe?

(The queens gasp and huddle)

After all, she is the librarian.

JULIE: Oh no, not this song....

JENNY: I KNOW! Talk about a bunch of stuffy old biddies! Why do you think I hang around with the kittens?

GRIZ: Pickalittle talkalittle pickalittle talkalittle cheepcheepcheep talkalot pickalittlemore

GRIZ AND TANTI: Pickalittle talkalittle pickalittle talkalittle cheepcheepcheep talkalot pickalittlemore

QUEENS: Pickalittle talkalittle pickalittle talkalittle cheepcheepcheep talkalot pickalittlemore

Pickalittle talkalittle pickalittle talkalittle

cheepcheepcheepcheepcheepcheepcheepcheep...

(This chorus goes on in the background as the dialogue continues)

CASS: Professor, her kind of woman doesn't belong on any committee. Of course I shouldn't tell you this but she advocates dirty books.

TUGGER: Dirty books?

GRIZ: Chaucer!

TANTI: Rabelais!

JELLY: BAAALLLLZAC!

TUMBLE: Huh huh huh huh, she said...

(Juliet clamps her paw over his mouth)

CASS: And the WORST thing, of course I shouldn't tell you this but...

GRIZ: I'll tell!

TANTI: The tom lived on my street, let ME tell.

JELLY: Stop. I'LL tell.

She made brazen overtures to a tom who never had a friend in this town till SHE came here--old Miser Deuterson.

TUGGER: MISER Deuterson? Deuterson Gymnasium, Deuterson Picnic Park, Deuterson Hospital, THAT Miser Deuterson?

CASS: Exactly. Who'd he think he was anyway?

TUGGER: Well I should say. Show off. Gave the town the library too, didn't he?

TANTI: That's just it. When he died he left the library building to the city...

CASS: But he left all the books to HER!

JELLY: She was seen coming and going from his place.

GRIZ: Oh yes, oh yes,

("Pickalittle" starts up in full swing again)

That queen made brazen overtures

With a gild-edge guarantee. She had a golden glint in her eye and a silver voice with a counterfeit ring.

Just melt her down and you'll reveal a lump of lead as cold as steel HERE! (pounds her chest)

Where a queen's heart should be!

QUEENS: He left River City

the library building but he left all the books to her!

GRIZ: Chaucer!

TANTI: Rabelais!

JELLY: BAAALZAC!

(Hairball is trying to escape, but just as he does, the school board toms enter.)

SKIMBLE: Juuuuust a minute here, Professor! We need your credentials!

TUGGER: Yes, of course, gentletoms, I have just what you want over at the hotel. Come with me. Goodnight, ladies! (sings while the queens are still singing their song) Goodnight ladies,

SKIMBLE, MUNKU, BUSTOPHER, AND ALONZO: Goodnight ladies

Goodnight ladies

We're going to leave you now

Farewell ladies

Farewell ladies

Farewell ladies

We're going to leeeeave you nooooooowwwww!

(The next scene takes place, and Hairball Hill has finally gotten inside the library, startling Marian.)

TUGGER: It's all right, I know everything and it doesn't make any difference.

DEM: What are you talking about?!

TUGGER: You were probably very young--anyone can make a mistake.

DEM: WHAT?!

MAC: No comment.

TUGGER: No apologies, no explanations, please. I'll only be in town a short time and...the sadder but wiser girl for me.

DEM: Will you please make your selection and leave?

POUNCE: More like "Will we please end the parody and leave?"

TUGGER: I have.

DEM: Well? What do you want to take out?

TUGGER: (loudly) THE LIBRARIAN!!!!

DEM: Quiet PLEASE!

TUGGER: (as Marian turns her back) The librarian. You're not listening, Marian.

(pulls out a small drawstring bag)

Look!

(sings)

Maaaaarian...

(speaks again, basically he says he has marbles in that bag which he's going to drop, which would make a big noise.)

DEM: NO!

TUGGER: Shh!

(sings)

Madam Librarian,

What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear?

I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian, Marian

Heaven help us if the library caught on fire

And the volunteer hose brigadetoms

Had to whisper the news to Maaaarian...Madam Libraaaaa...

DEM: SHHH!

TUGGER: (continues) ...rian!

(To make a long song short, we'll cut to the dance sequence where Hairball, Marian, and anyone in the library participates. However, when the background cats were dancing in two single-file lines behind Hairball and Marian, Etcetera tripped on a loose book and a repeat of the "Skimblenel" domino effect occurs, barely missing Hairball and Marian.)

CET: Oops...

TUGGER: At least let me finish my song.

(sings)

But when I try in here to tell you dear

I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian, Marian

It's a long lost cause I can never win

For the civilized world accepts as an unforgivable sin

Any talking out loud with any librarian

Such as Marian...Madam Librarian...

(speaks)

The Queens' Dance Committee meets Tuesday nights.

(he opens his marble bag and takes out a marshmallow. He offers it and kisses Marian on the cheek. She swipes at him and hits Mungotommy Djerras instead.)

MUNGO: Aoowwwwww! WATCH IT!

(The next day, Mungotommy is travelling with Hairball Hill selling instruments, Mungotommy is Hairball's assistant. Hairball sends him home to try some sales by himself. He goes to a doorway to a large house--Mayor Gushinn's house. He rings the bell, and Gushinn answers.)

GUS: Just a minute here. Are you soliciting? You haven't got a license!

TUGGER: Why no, Mayor Gushinn, I collect doorbells. This particular specimen has an unusual tone quality that--

POUNCE: Wow, he can talk his way out of anything!

BOMB: Except when he gets two dates in one night and they, er, meet each other...

GUS: Flattery will not avail you. Soliciting is statutory in this county, malfeasance without a permit. Why haven't you been down to City Hall with your references?

TUGGER: Just missed you. I--Mr. Mayor! Your paw! Oh no!

GUS: What, what?!

TUGGER: That spread of the claws, it's hereditary!

GUS: Oh, it is? What does that mean?

TUGGER: It meants that your sons little claw is perfectly situated to operate the spit valve on a B-flat flugelhorn!

GUS: Is that good?

TUGGER: Good! It means that America has at last produced an artist who can flugle the Minute Waltz in fifty seconds.

GUS: How can I get one of those horns?

TUMBLE: And they let this guy run a small town?

CARB: With someone like that, they'd spend their entire budget on Brooklyn Bridge shares.

TUGGER: (whips out an order blank) Sign here, Mr. Mayor. That'll be seventeen dollars import fee.

GUS: Yes sir! Just think, I could'a missed this whole--(stops and realizes something) I HAVEN'T GOT ANY SON! You unscrypulous flew-by-night, you unflypulous--

LEC: And we thought Griz needed the pills...

GUS: (continues) You be down at City Hall with your By Everlasting Cat papers at 3:00!

TUGGER: You mean this afternoon?

GUS: I couldn't make myself any plainer if I was a Quaker on his day off!

(Hairball has made his rounds of the town, by that evening he's at the Purroo house. Mrs. Purroo is sitting on the porch, Pouncethrop is hiding behind her.)

POUNCE: I *really* hate you for making me do this, Matt.

MATT: Would you rather be holding a blanket and sucking your thumb for Veroni, Pouncival?

POUNCE: Point taken. We can continue.

(So anyway, Hairball is working his charms on Mrs. Purroo...)

TUGGER: Mrs. Purroo, do you realize you have the facial characteristics of a cornet virtuoso?

(Mrs. Purroo...slaps him?)

MATT: JENNY, you weren't supposed to do that!

JENNY: Sorry, but I'm not falling for anything that comes out of that tom's mouth!

MATT: It's only ACTING, Jen. Sheesh! Just read the script, huh?

JENNY: Oh all right. (gets into character)

I don't know if I understand you entirely, Professor.

TUGGER: If your boy has that same firm chin, and those splendid cheek muscles--by George!

GEORGE: What? I thought I was done after that opening scene.

TUGGER: NOT YOU! (gets back into character) Not that he could ever be really great, you understand, but...

JENNY: Oh, is that so. And in the name of St. Bridget, why not?

TUGGER: Well, you see, all the really great cornet players were Irish...O'Clark, O'Mendez, O'Klein...

JENNY: But Professor, we ARE Irish!

TUGGER: No! No! Really? That clinches it! Sign here, Mrs. Purroo. Your boy was born to play the cornet!

(So anyway, he's won Mrs. Purroo and Pouncethrop over, but Marian, who has entered, is not too cool with the idea. She sends Pouncethrop over to the library to get the educational journal with information about Gary Conservatory, class of '05, which is all the credentials Hairball Hill gives. There's more "girlie dialogue" between Marian and Mrs. Purroo, and at the end of all this she sings...)

MATT: OK, what do we do here? Does she sing "My White Knight" or "Being In Love"?

POUNCE: We don't care, just have her sing ANYTHING, as long as we get through this thing!

MATT: "My White Knight" it is then. Besides, "Being In Love" is like nails on a chalkboard...

JULIE: May we quit with the Shirley Jones-bashing, please?

DEM: (sings) My White Knight, not a Lancelot nor an angel with wings

Just someone to love me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things

My White Knight, what my heart would say if it only knew how,

Please, dear Venus, show me now.

All I want is a plain tom, all I want is a modest tom, a quiet tom, a gentle tom

A straightforward and honest tom to sit with me in a cottage somewhere in the state of Iowa...

And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself,

And more interested in us than in me

And if occasionally he'd ponder

What makes Shakespeare and Beethoven great,

Him I could love till I die.

Him I could love till I die.

My White Knight,

Not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings

Just someone to love me

Who is not ashamed of a few nice things.

My White Knight

Let me walk with him where the others ride by

Walk-and love him

Till I die.

Till I die.

TUGGER: Well, my character, much like myself in real life, ain't changin', play's over, let's eat!

(The next day, Bombazyneeta and Mungotommy are walking and Mungotommy is showing off his new invention.. a piccolo player music holder. Mayor Gushinn pops out of the bank, and Mungotommy takes off. As Mayor Gushinn is complaining about the new-found weird behavior of the townsfolk since Hairball Hill arrived, Marian approaches him with a book...)

DEM: Mayor Gushinn, I've found something very interesting in this book about Professor Hill's Alma Mater.

GUS: His WHO?

DEM: His university.

GUS: I know all about that. In fact, that's the only thing I can ever get out of him. Gary Conservatory, class of aught-five.

DEM: If you'll just take the time to read a little bit about the Conservatory I don't think you'll have to look further. It's on page...

(we hear a horse clip-clopping. Gracetoria Gushinn runs on.)

VICKY: Papa! The Wells Fargo Wagon is just comin' up from the depot!

(All the cats have run on at this mention.)

MATT: OK guys, this is a cool song, you goof this up, and...and...

POUNCE: And WHAT?

MATT: Forget it. I can't think of any good threats right now.

ALL: The Wells Fargo Wagon!

GUS: A likely story! At this hour of the day? Nonsense! The Wells Fargo Wagon?

VICKY: It could be the band instruments!

GUS: The band instruments?!

(The horses' hooves are now getting louder...Juliet managed this by just cranking the sound effects tape up to the right level. And the other cats SING...)

ALL: O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street, oh please let it be for me

O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street, I wish, I wish I knew what it could be.

GEORGE: I got a box of maple sugar on my birthday

EXOTICA: In March I got a grey mackinaw

TANTI: And once I got some grapefruit from Tampa

PLATO: Montgomery Ward sent me a bathtub and a cross-cut saw

ALL: O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' now, is it a prepaid surprise or C.O.D.?

VICTOR: It could be curtains

CORI: Or dishes

JEMI: Or a double boiler

VICKY: Or it could be

ALL: Yes it could be, yes you're right it surely could be

VICKY: Somethin' special

ALL: Somethin' very very special now

VICKY: Just for me!

ALL: O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street

Oh don't let him pass my door!

O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street

I wish I knew what he was comin' for.

CARB: I got some salmon from Seattle last September

GRIZ: And I expect a new rocking chair

QUAXO: I hope I get my raisins from Fresno

SKIMBLE, MUNKU, BUSTOPHER AND ALONZO: The DAR have sent a cannon for the courthouse square...

(The female kittens don't have time to squeal at that last line, as Pouncethrop pushes his way through the crowd....)

POUNCE: O-ho the Wellth Fargo Wagon ith a-comi' now

I don't know how I can ever wait to thee

It could be thumpin' for thomeone who ith

No relathion but it could be...thump'n thpethyul

Jutht for me!

ALL: O-ho you Wells Fargo Wagon keep a comin'!

O-ho you Wells Fargo Wagon keep a-comin'

O-ho you Wells Fargo Wagon don't you dare to make a stop

Until you stop for meeeeee!

(Marian gets through the crowd, and takes Pouncethrop up in a big hug. The crowd cheers the arrival of the wagon.)

MATT: Wow, they got through it without goofing it up!

JULIE: I just hope it lasts...

POUNCE: It'th the band inthrumenth!

(Hairball, who had been riding in the wagon, jumps down, carrying a gold cornet which he hands to Pouncethrop.)

TUGGER: Here you are, Pouncethrop!

POUNCE: My cornet! Gee, thankth, Profethor!

TUGGER: Toms, you will each receive individual instruction in due course. In the meantime, stay off the streets--get acquainted with your instruments and think about the Minuet in G. (sings the Minuet in G, the male kittens follow and they all walk off.)

POUNCE: Thithter! Thithter! Ithn't thith the moth thcrumpthyuth tholid gold thing you ever thaw! I never thought I'd ever the anything tho thcrumpthyuth ath thith thcrumpthyuth tholid gold thing! Oh thithter!

TUMBLE: Pounthival, thith way of talking is growing on uth.

CARBUCKETTY: Now we won't ever be able to thtop lithping.

POUNCE: You two are SO dead after this show.

GUS: Round one for you, Mr. Hill, but I better hear some by Everlastin' Cat tootin out'a them horns in pretty short order or I'll see you in front of the Grand Jury over at the County Seat! (goes to Marian) Now, Miss Marian, about that book...

(Marian rips a page out of the book as Jellalie calls Gushinn...)

JELLY: Come, George! Tempus fugits!

BACKSTAGE QUEENS: Waste, waste, waste!

MATT: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG! Well, it was good while it lasted...

JULIE: Told you so.

GUS: You watch your phraseology! I've got to get something from the librarian. (to Marian) About that book...

(She hands him the book, without the page she ripped out. She sees Hairball and smiles at him.)

TUGGER: The Ladies Dance Committee meets Tuesday nights at the high school.

*END OF ACT 1*

VERONI: Time for MY fun.

MUNKU: Oh no.

VERONI: Don't worry! You'll still be able to finish this one....

MUNKU: THAT'S what I'm afraid of...