(It's a beautiful day in the Jellicles' junkyard, which Matt and his *brand new* stage manager Juliet have decorated with Western props. There are two backdrops...a farmhouse and a barn. Most of the cats are on the set, wearing their cowboy or farm girl outfits. The toms are playing with the toy six-shooters they were given...well, almost all of them...)

Munkustrap (from inside the car trunk): DO I HAVE TO COME OUT LIKE THIS?!

Matt: Well, Munkustrap, since you ARE the lead in this play....yeah!

(Munkustrap emerges from the trunk in his cowboy outfit.)

Munku: I look like such a wienie.

Jemima: Awwww, Munkustrap, you look cute!

Munku: That's just what I need...to look cute. I'm just having a bad flashback to when my humans were little, and dressed me up like this all the time. (produces a picture from one of his gun holsters, of himself as a kitten, wearing a similar cowboy outfit.)

All: Awwwwwww...

Mistoffelees: Ride 'em cowboy, Munkustrap!

Munku: Are you happy, Matt? I'll NEVER live this one down.

Matt: You brought it on yourself when you took that picture out. And Misto, don't laugh too hard as Munkustrap. Since this is a "classic musical" with no special effects...you're playing Ali Hakim, the Persian peddler in this one.

Misto: (looks at the costume Juliet has handed to him) Aiieeeee! I'll look like a dork! He's a Persian peddler, isn't he? THEN GIVE IT TO A PERSIAN CAT!

Matt: I would, if the only Persian in here wasn't female...(motions to Victoria)...be a good kitty and do this for me please?

Misto: OK, but I'm doing this under protest.

Matt: Where have I heard that before?

(Pouncival comes up to Matt, with the script in his hand.)

Pouncival: Do we have to say these lines in accordance with the script? This thick dialect makes it a bit hard for us to understand our lines.

Matt: Fine, we don't have to say it all in the exact dialect. Just use the Southern drawl, OK? The readers have enough of a hard time reading Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer's Cockney dialect...

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: WE RESENT THAT!

(Grizabella approaches, still in her Norma Desmond costume from "Sunset Meow-levard".)

Griz: Mr. Director, I'm ready for my next assignment...I understand you had a part for me.

Matt: I DID. But I decided to give it to Jennyanydots instead. I thought Aunt Eller was more "her".

Griz: (grabs one of the spare toy six-shooters) NO ONE LEAVES A STAR!!!! (she lunges at Matt and Jennyanydots, who happened to be walking past)

Misto: Oh boy, I knew this would happen if we gave her the lead role in "Sunset"...she's having flashbacks again.

(At this, a lasso is thrown offstage. It connects with Grizabella and she is yanked off.)

Matt: Whew! Thanks! Who was that great rope tosser?

(It's the Rum Tum Tugger, wearing a black cowboy hat, white shirt, black leather vest, and *very* tight blue jeans)

Tugger: Yee-ha! It's Cowboy Tugger, at your service.

Jennyanydots: *sarcastically* My hero.

Tugger: Think nothin' of it, little lady. (kisses Jenny on her paw)

Etcetera: Ooooohhh, he looks sooooo HOT in those tight jeans! EEEEEEEE!

(the female kittens run to Tugger, nearly knocking Matt out of his director's chair.)

Matt: OK, enough hootin' and hollerin' here! DRAW!

Julie: I think you're getting too into this, Matt.

Matt: Sorry. I mean, ACTION! YEE-HA!

(We see the front of a farmhouse. Aunt Jennyeller is sitting on the front porch, behind a butter churn. We hear a wonderful male voice singing offstage...)

Munku: (offstage) There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow.

The corn is as high as an elephant's eye

And it looks like it's climbin' clear up to the sky...

(We finally see who the mysterious singer is. It's a good-natured young cowtom named Munkurly.)

Munku: (who by now is onstage) Oh what a beautiful mornin',

Oh what a beautiful day.

I got a beautiful feelin'

Everything's goin' my way.

Backstage Toms: *gag*

Jemi: Come on you guys. Munkustrap sings like an angel!

(It's now obvious that Munkurly is serenading someone inside the house. Aunt Jennyeller is pretending she didn't hear him.)

Munku: (continues singing)

All the cattle are standin' like statues

All the cattle are standin' like statues,

They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by

But a little brown maverick is winkin' her eye...

Oh what a beautiful mornin'

Oh what a beautiful day

I got a beautiful feelin'

Everything's goin' my way.

(speaks, or rather shouts!)

HI AUNT JENNYELLER!

Jenny: Sheesh, Munkustrap, easy on the ears, they're the only ones I have...and I'm not getting any younger...

(gets into character)

Scare me to death! What're ya doin' around here?

Munku: Come a-singin' to ya!

(sings again)

All the sounds of the earth are like music,

All the sounds of the earth are like music,

The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree

And an ol' weepin' willer is laughin' at me...

Oh what a beautiful mornin'

Oh what a beautiful day

I got a beautiful feelin'

Everything's goin' my waaaay...

Oh what a beautiful day!

(Backstage, it's obvious that the ol' weepin' willer isn't the only thing laughing...)

Backstage Toms: (Sing)

Oh what a horrible fanfic

Oh what a horrible play

We got a horrible feelin'

Munku's no Gordon MacRaaaaae...

Munku's no Gordon MacRae!

Munku: AH, SHADDUP!!!!

Matt: Munkustrap, you're still on!

Munku: But they're making fun of me!

Pounce: It's not just you!

Tumblebrutus: It's the song too!

Alonzo: And the outfit...

Mungo: And the fact that you're losing wha'ever dignity you had...

Matt: (still annoyed by Tumblebrutus's remark about the song) They don't write 'em like that anymore, Tumblebrutus...

Toms: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(So anyway, Munkustrap gets back into character as Munkurly again...)

Jenny: If I wasn't an old woman, and if you wasn't so young and smart-alecky, why I'd marry you and git you to set around at night and sing to me.

Alonzo: Hopefully not that song.

Munku: No, you wouldn't neither. Cuz I wouldn't marry you nor none of yer kinfolks, I could help it.

Jenny: None of my kinfolks, huh?

Munku: (raising his voice, so that anyone inside the house could hear) AND YOU CAN TELL 'EM THAT, ALL OF 'EM, INCLUDING THAT NIECE OF YOURS, MISS JELLYLAUREY WILLIAMS!

(So anyway, to make a long story short, Munkurly is explaining all of his good qualities to Aunt Jennyeller--handsome and a good bronc buster too...)

Alonzo: Whoa, Munkustrap, you're the big cat on the range, huh?

(...anyway, Aunt Jennyeller mentions there's a Box Social coming up that night, and asks Munkurly who he's taking. At that moment, Aunt Jennyeller's niece, Jellylaurey, enters.)

Jelly: Is this all that's come a-callin' and it's already ten o'clock of a Saturday mornin'?

Munku: You knowed it was me 'fore you opened the door.

Jelly: No such of a thing.

Munku: YOU DID TOO! You heard my voice and knowed it was me.

Jelly: I heard a voice a-talkin' rumbly along with Aunt Jennyeller. And heard someone a-singin' like a bullfrog in a pond.

Munku: You knowed it was me, so you set in there a-thinkin' up somethin' mean to say. I'm in a good mind not to ask you to the Box Social.

Jelly: If you did ask me, I wouldn't go with you. Besides, how'd you take me? You ain't bought a new buggy with red wheels onto it, have you?

Munku: No I ain't.

Jelly: And a spakin' team with their bridles all jinglin'?

Munku: No.

Jelly: 'Spect me to ride on behind ol' Dun, I guess...

Matt: And for those of you at home, Dun is the name of Munkurly's horse...

Jelly: LET ME FINISH!

Matt: Just tryin' to help out, little lady.

Jelly: (back into character) ...You better ask that ole' Rumplings girl you've took such a shine to, over across the river.

Munku: If I was to ask you, there'd be a way to take you, Miss Jellylaurey Smarty.

Jelly: Oh, there would?

Munku: (sings) When I take you out tonight with me,

Honey, here's the way it's gonna be,

You will set behind a team of snow-white horses

In the slickest gig you'll ever see!

Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you out in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!

Watch that fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high-steppin' strutters

Nosey-pokes'll peek through the shutters and their eyes will pop!

The wheels are yeller, the upholstery's brown,

The dashboard's genuine leather,

With isinglass curtains you can roll right down

In case there's a change in the weather,

Two bright sidelights winkin' and blinkin'

Ain't no finer rig I'm a-thinkin'!

You can keep yer rig if you're thinkin' that I'd care to swap

For that shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top!

(The backstage toms are laughing even harder at this song than they were at the last one. Munkustrap hisses at them.)

(Anyway, Jellylaurey is very intrigued by this proposal of how Munkurly is going to bring her to the box social, but gets upset when she finds out he made it all up...yes I know the song has two more verses, but if I type them I'll have to go to the vet's for Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome...)

Jelly: Why'd you come around here with yer stories and lies, gittin' me all worked up that-a-way? Talkin' bout the sun swimmin' on the hill, and all, like it was so. Who'd want to ride 'longside of you anyway?

Jenny: Why don't ya just grab her and kiss her when she acts that-a-way, Munkurly? She's just achin' for ya to, I bet.

Jelly: I won't even speak to him, let alone 'low him to kiss me, the braggin', bow-legged, wish-he-had-a-sweetheart BUM! (she runs into the house and slams the door)

Tugger: OUCH! Lucky that never happens to me!

Bombalurina: Don't flatter yourself.

(Back on stage...)

Jenny: She likes you-quite a lot.

Munku: Whew! If she liked me any more she'd sic the Pollicles on me.

(Two toms--Ike Skimblemore, and his son, Mungofreddie, who had been looking on, now approach.)

Skimbleshanks: Y'git the wagon hitched up?

Jenny: What wagon?

Munku: There's a crowd of folks comin' down from Bushytail for the box social.

Mungo: Munkurly said mebbe you'd loan us yer big wagon to bring 'em up from the station.

Jenny: Course I would, if he'd ask me.

Munku: (who is embarrassed on stage just as he is in real life) Got to talkin' bout a lot of other things. I'll go hitch up the horses now if you say it's all right.

(Munkurly leaves, and another group of toms--played by Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Alonzo, Plato, and Coricopat--run on. At the center of the group is Will Tugger, who is apparently well-loved by Aunt Jennyeller.)

Julie: I remember these toms. You didn't give them character names because they're generic parts, right, Matt?

Matt: Bingo.

Cet: Tugger sure wears those jeans well, doesn't he?

Lec: (using a pair of discarded opera glasses to scan Tugger's hind quarters) Oh yeah.

Pounce: See what we brung you, Aunt Jennyeller!

Jenny: Hi Will!

Tugger: Hi Aunt Jennyeller!

Jenny: What happened up at the fair? You do any good in the steer ropin'?

Tugger: I did purty good. I WON IT!

(The following three lines overlap, each cat yelling the line louder than the other to upstage each other.)

Skimble: Good tom!

Mungo: Alwaiys knaowed y'would!

Jenny: Ain't nobody can sling a rope like our territory toms!

Matt: (with his head in his paws) Why did I want Mungojerrie to play a cowboy? Why, with the Cockney accent? WHY? WHY?!

Julie: Because of a severe tom shortage...

Female Cats: You're telling US!

(Back on stage...)

Tugger: Cain't stay but for a minute, Aunt Jennyeller. Got to git over to Bombado Annielurina's. Don't you remember, her pa said if I was ever worth fifty dollars I could have her?

Jenny: Fifty dollars! That what they give you fer prize money?

Tugger: That's what!

Jenny: Lands, if Bombado Annielurina's pa keeps his promise we'll be dancin' at yer weddin'.

Tugger: If he don't keep his promise, I'll take her right from under his nose and I won't give him the present I brung fer him!

(He takes a small cylindrical toy, "The Little Wonder", out of his pocket...which is hard because his jeans are so tight. It's a toy where you peek into it and you turn it, and the picture changes. It's a "boudoir" picture of a Siamese kitty, in this case.)

Jenny: Silly goats! (She takes a look at the toy.) The hussy! Ought to be ashamed of herself. (glares at Will) YOU TOO! How do you turn the thing to see the other picture? (looks and turns again) Wait, I'm gettin' it... (she is shocked at this point, and quickly hands it back to Will...but she then laughs). I'm a good mind to tell Bombado Annielurina on ya.

Tugger: Please don't, Aunt Jennyeller. She wouldn't understand.

Jenny: No tellin' what you been up to. Bet you carried on plenty in Kansas City.

Tugger: I wouldn't call it carryin' on. But I sure did see some things I never see before.

Matt: Tugger, this is a really cool song, PLEASE don't goof it up!

Tugger: (sings)

I got to Kansas City on a Friday

By Saturday, I learned a thing or two

For up to then I didn't have an "idy"

Of what the modern world was comin' to!

I counted twenty gas buggies goin' by theirselves

Almost every time I took a walk

'N then I put my ear to a Bell Telephone

And a strange queen started in to talk!

Jenny: What next!

Toms: Yeah, what!

Tugger: What next?

Everythin's up to date in Kansas City.

They've gone about as far as they can go!

They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high

About as high as a buildin' oughta grow!

Everythin's like a dream in Kansas City.

It's better than a Magic Lantern Show!

Ya can turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.

Female Kittens: We've got enough heat just from watching Tugger!

Tugger: (continues)

With every kind of comfort every house is all complete.

You can walk to privies in the rain and never wet yer feet

They've gone about as far as they can go!

All: Yes sir!

They've gone about as far as they can go!

Jemi: Wow. These people must have REALLY been behind the times!

Tugger: (keeps singing)

Everythin's up to date in Kansas City.

They've gone about as far as they can go!

They got a big the-ay-ter that they call a bur-lee-que.

Fer fifty cents you can see a dandy show!

One of the queens was fat and pink and pretty

As round above as she was round below

I could swear that she was padded from her shoulder to her heel

But later in the second act when she begun to peel

She proved that everythin' she had was absolutely real!

She went about as far as she could go!

All: Yes sir!

She went about as far as she could go!

(Will starts to two-step.)

Skimble: What you doin'?

Tugger: This is the two-step. That's all they're dancin' nowadays...

Misto: *sarcastically* Gee, I must have REALLY missed the bus.

(Back on stage...)

Tugger: The waltz is through. Catch on to it? A one and a two, a one and a two. Course, they don't do it alone. C'mon, Aunt Jennyeller.

(Will dances Aunt Jennyeller around. He spins her around, but then swings her a bit too far and she crashes into the scenery. She quickly picks herself up though, and begins to sing, signalling the end of the song.)

Jenny: (sings) And that's about as far as I can go!

All: Yes sir, and that's about as far as she can go!

Victoria: If that's Matt's idea of a cool song, I'd hate to hear what he doesn't like!

(SO anyway, there's some more dialogue, and Will and his buddies dance again. Pouncival decided to ham it up a bit as they left by firing his six-shooters repeatedly into the air, making an annoying clicking sound with them. Munkurly enters again.)

Munku: Team's all hitched.

Tugger: 'Lo, Munkurly. Cain't stop to talk. Goin' over to Bombado Annielurina's. I got fifty dollars!

Skimble: Time we got goin', boys. Thanks fer the loan of the wagon, Aunt Jennyeller. (the toms all leave) Come on, Munkurly.

Munku: I'll catch up with you. (He talks with Aunt Jennyeller again about the toms pursuing Jellylaurey, when big Mac Fries, the hired farmhand, enters.)

Macavity: This is typecasting! Every time I've played the bad guy, something bad has happened to me! I've had my fur dyed black, been stuffed into women's clothing, thrown into a swimming pool, been zapped by Misto's laser bolts...and what's with all the food puns at my expense? Big Mac 'n' Furters in Rocky Tugger, and now this! A McDonald's lawyer stopped by yesterday...and Bustopher Jones keeps looking at me like he wants to eat me!

Matt: Macavity, shut your hole and go on stage, OK?

Mac: ...and what's more, I always never live through the entire show...

(Matt pushes Macavity on stage.)

Mac: (realizes he's on stage and gets into character)

Munku: Hello, Mac.

Mac: Hello, yourself. (He lumbers off stage.)

Jenny: 'N then of course there's someone nearer home that's got Jellylaurey on his mind most of the time, 'till he don't know a plow from a thrashin' machine.

Munku: Him?!

Jenny: Yeah. Mac Fries.

Munku: That bullet-colored, growly tom?

Jelly: Now don't you go and say nothin' against him! He's the best hired hand I ever had. Just about runs the farm by hisself. Well, two queens couldn't do it, you oughtta know that.

Munku: Jellylaurey'd take up with a man like that!

Jenny: I ain't said she's took up with him!

Demeter: She'd better not...not with Macavity...*begins shaking*

Alonzo: It's OK, Demeter...*hugs her*

Munku: Well, he's around all the time, ain't he? Lives here.

Jenny: Out in the smokehouse.

(Mac and Jellylaurey enter from the house, and Mac speaks to Aunt Jennyeller.)

Mac: Changed my mind about cleanin' the henhouse today. Leavin' it till tomorrow. Got to quit early 'cuz I'm driving Jellylaurey ever to the party tonight.

Munku: YOU'RE driving Jellylaurey?

Mac: Ask her.

(Jellylaurey nods her head. Munkurly, whose ego is deflated, decides to take Aunt Jennyeller. He then reveals he *did* hire the surrey he was singing about earlier in the play.)

Old Deuteronomy: And who do you think taught him to be such a gentletom?

(Anyway, a dejected Munkurly shuffles off.)

Jenny: (calling after him) Hey Munkurly, tell all the girls in Bushytail to stop by here and freshen up! It's a long way to Skimblemore's! (now she turns to Jellylaurey) That means we'll have a lot of company. Better pack yer lunch hamper.

Jelly: Aunt Jennyeller, don't go to Skimblemore's with Munkurly tonight. If you do, I'll have to ride with Mac all alone.

Jenny: That's the way you wanted it, ain't it?

Jelly: No, I did it because Munkurly was so fresh. But I'm afraid to tell Mac I won't go, Aunt Jennyeller. He'd do somethin' terrible.

Dem: That's what I was trying to tell you!

Backstage Queens: Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity

He's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity...

Matt: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG! Oy Vey!

Julie: A bit overdramatic, aren't we?

Matt: Well, wouldn't you be?

(So anyway, Jellylaurey is trying to convince Aunt Jennyeller that the tom ain't right...)

Julie: No "King Of The Hill" references, please!

(...when they hear voices. It's Mistoli Hakim, the Persian peddler, with Bombado Annielurina!)

Jenny: (still talking about Mac to Jellylaurey) You crazy young 'un! Stop actin' like a chicken with its head cut off! Now who'd you reckon that is drove up? Why, it's that ole peddler! The one that sold me that egg-beater!

Jelly: He's got Bombado Annielurina with him! Will Tugger's Bombado Annielurina!

(Jennyeller is a bit steamed at Mistoli Hakim because he sold her an egg-beater that didn't work.)

Vicky: Well, DUH!

Jelly: Yoo-hoo! Bombado Annielurina!

Jenny: Hold yer horses, Peddler-cat! I want to talk to you! (she runs off as Bombado Annielurina enters.)

Bomb: Hi, Aunt Jennyeller!

Jenny: Hi yourself.

Bomb: Hello, Jellylaurey.

Jelly: Hello. Will Tugger's back from Kansas City. He's lookin fer ya.

(Bombado Annielurina realizes something's wrong here!)

Bomb: WILL TUGGER?! I didn't count on him bein' back so soon!

(Backstage, Tugger is beginning to see red...)

Tugger: Misto's magic BETTER bail him out when I come after him!

Julie: Tugger! Calm down! It's only a play.....

Tugger: I know...but if he lays so much as a paw on Bombalurina....

Julie: PLEASE. You have the pick of all the queens. You'll just find another one.

Tugger: Oh yeah! I forgot, I'm quite the player, aren't I?

Matt: Someone get a safety pin to pop Tugger's ego!

(Back on stage, Jellylaurie and Bombado Annielurina are still talking "girl talk".)

Jelly: I can see that! Been ridin' a piece?

Bomb: The peddler-tom's gonna drive me to the Box Social. I got up sort of a tasty lunch.

Jelly: Bombado Annielurina! Have you took up with that peddler-tom?

Bomb: Not yet.

Jelly: But yer promised to Will Tugger, ain't ya?

Bomb: Not what you might say "promised". I just told him "mebbe".

Jelly: Don't you like him no more?

Bomb: 'Course I do. There won't never be nobody like Will.

Jelly: Then what about this peddler-tom?

Bomb: There won't never be nobody like him neither!

Pounce: Man, Ado Annie's just needy for attention, isn't she?

Tumble: I know you didn't just say that.

Jelly: Well, which one do you like best?

Bomb: Whichever one I'm with!

(There's a bit more dialogue here, then Bombado Annielurina launches into her big number...)

I'm just a queen who cain't say no

I'm in a terrible fix

I always say come on let's go

Just when I oughta say nix!

When a tomcat tries to kiss a queen

I know she oughtta give his face a smack

But as soon as someone kisses me

I somehow sorta wanna kiss him back!

I'm just a fool when lights are low.

I cain't be prissy and quaint.

I ain't the type that can faint!

Tugger: I beg to differ!

Bomb: (continues)

How can I be what I ain't?

I CAIN'T SAY NO!

(she finishes the song, which has a few more verses, but I'm starting to get really hungry here, and the faster I finish this act, the faster I can get some lunch, so we'll move on ahead.)

Bomb: It's like I told you, I git sorry for 'em!

Jelly: I wouldn't feel sorry for any man, no matter what!

Bomb: I'm sure sorry for poor Mistoli Hakim now. Look how Aunt Jennyeller's cussin' him out!

Jelly: Mistoli Hakim! That his name?

Bomb: Yeah, it's Persian.

Vicky: No kidding.

Jelly: You sure for certain you love him better'n you love Will?

Bomb: I was sure. And now that ol' Will has to come home and first thing you know he'll start talkin' purty to me and changin' my mind back!

(More dialogue like this which is probably boring all the male readers to death...so we'll just cut a few pages of dialogue out. Basically, Mistoli Hakim is sorry that his egg-beater was a dud, so he sells Jellylaurey some sexy lingerie and perfume. Bombado Annielurina and Mistoli Hakim get into a brief fight about whether Mistoli Hakim really wants to get married...when Will Tugger approaches.)

All: Uh-oh! Jerry Springer Moment!

Tugger: Whoa Suzanna! Yoohoo, Bombado Annielurina, I'm back!

Bomb: Oh, foot! Just when...'Lo Will! (to Mistoli Hakim) That's Will Tugger. Promise me you won't fight him.

Misto: Why fight? I never saw the tom before!

Tugger: Bombado Annielurina!!! How's my honey-bunch? How's the sweetest little nine pounds of sugar in the territory?

Bomb: Er--Will, this is Mistoli Hakim.

Tugger: How are ya, Hak? Don't mind the way I talk. 'S all right. I'm goin' to marry her.

Misto: (happy he's been let off the hook) Marry her? On purpose?

Tugger: Well sure!

Bomb: No such of a thing!

Misto: It's a wonderful thing to be married. (he starts to walk off.)

Bomb: Mistoli!

Misto: I got a brother in Persia, got six wives.

Backstage Cats: Old Deuteronomy's buried nine wives, and more, I am tempted to say ninety-nine...

Old D: Leave me out of this!

Matt: Uh, Old D, we can't. You're playing Ado Annie's father, remember?

Old D: Drat. How do I get roped into dumb parodies like this?

Matt: DUMB?

Old D: Did I say "dumb"? I meant "da greatest"!

MATT: Nice try.

(Back on stage...)

Bomb: Six wives? All at once?

Tugger: Sure. That's a' way they do in them countries.

Misto: Not always. I got another brother in Persia only got one wife. He's a bachelor.

All: Oooooh, lousy pun.

(Mistoli Hakim walks off.)

Bomb: Look, Will...

Tugger: Look, will, nothin'. Know what I got fer first prize at the fair? Fifty dollars!

Bomb: Well, that was good....FIFTY DOLLARS?!

Tugger: Catch on? Yer pa promised I could marry you if I could get fifty dollars.

Bomb: That's right, he did.

Tugger: Know whut I done with it? Spent it all on presents fer ya!

(So anyway, Will sweet talks Bombado Annielurina and she wants to marry him again! They run off, while the other cats enter, including Munkurly and his gal pal, Gerteazer. She giggles in a very annoying fashion.)

Jenny: Hey Munkurly, better take the wagon down to the trough and give the team some water.

Munku: Right away, Aunt Jennyeller.

Rumple: Can Oi come too? Just love to watch th' waiy ya 'andle 'orses.

Matt: Grrrr...Rumpleteazer, you're using the wrong accent!

Rumple: Well excuse me guvna! It's the only voice Oi got!

(Anyway, Munkurly shoots Jellylaurey a look...)

Munku: That's about all I can handle, I guess.

Rumple: Oh, Oi cain't believe that, Munkurly, not from what Oi 'eard about ya!

Matt: A Cockney cowgirl? *reaches for the Excedrin*

(They walk off. Jelleylaurey then takes a step forward, but stops...and she's upset because Munkurly's playing hard to get.)

Cassandra: Looks like Munkurly's took up with that Rumplings girl.

Jelly: What'd I care about that?

(The queens all begin to argue. Jellylaurey sings a song with the queens to show how little she cares...but in the interest of time, we'll cut to the end.)

Jelly: Never've I chased the honey-bee

Who carelessly cajoled me.

Somebody else just as sweet as he

Cheered me and consoled me.

Never've I wept into my tea

Over the deal someone doled me.

Many a new day will dawn,

Many a red sun will set,

Many a blue moon will shine, BEFORE I DOOOOOOO!

Skimble: Easy on the ears, Jellylorum!

(We hear a loud smash. It turns out to be Bustopher Jones, who at this point had gone unnoticed, standing in the back of the junkyard. His monocle is smashed.)

Bustopher: That last note Jellylorum hit is what broke it...

JELLY: I guess I should get a deal with an optometrist, huh?

(So anyway, all the queens run off, and Bombado Annielurina and Mistoli Hakim enter.)

Bomb: Mistoli Hakim--

Misto: Hello kiddo.

Bomb: I'm sure sorry to see you so happy...'cause what I got to say will make you miserable. I got to marry Will.

(So anyway, the two of them are talking and Mistoli Hakim is relieved that he is now officially "off the hook"...when Bombado Annielurina's father, Judge Andeut Carnes, enters, carrying a Red Rider BB Gun.)

Backstage Cats: YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, OLD D!

Bomb: Hello, Pa. What you been shootin'?

Old D: Rabbits. That true what I hear about Will Tugger gittin' fifty dollars?

Bomb: That's right, Pa, and he wants to hold you to yer promise.

Old D: Too bad. Still and all I cain't go back on my word.

(However, Judge Carnes finds out that Will spent the money on gifts for his bride-to-be...and says that Will can't have his daughter's hand. No cash, no queen!)

Misto: But Mr. Carnes, is that fair?

Old D: Who in Heavyside's name are you?

Bomb: This is Mistoli Hakim.

Old D: Well, shut your face or I'll fill yer behind so full of buckshot you'll be walking around like a duck the rest of your life.

Vicky: Is this any way to treat the guy who brought you back after Macavity captured you?

Pounce: Er, Victoria, he's only acting.

Matt: And they say I get too into these things.

(Anyway, Mr. Carnes finds out that Mistoli has been sweet-talking his daughter...so he tells the peddler that it sounded like a marriage proposal...and that he had BETTER marry his daughter, OR ELSE.)

Bomb: Mrs. Mistoli Hakim, the peddler's bride...wait till I tell the queens!

(Mistoli can't believe what just happened to him. He joins up with the rest of the toms, and he isn't too happy.)

Misto: (sings)

Trapped! Tricked! Hoodblinked! Hambushed!

Toms: Friend,

What's on yer mind?

Why do you walk

Around and around

With yer hands folded behind

And yer chin scrapin' the ground?

Misto:

Twenty minutes ago I am free like the breeze

Free like a bird in the woodland wild

Free like a gypsy, free like a child

I'm unattached!

Twenty minutes ago I can do what I please

Flick my cigar ashes on a rug

Dunk with a doughnut, drink form a jug

I'm a happy man!

I'm minding my own business like I oughter

Ain't meaning any harm to anyone

I'm talking to a certain farmer's daughter

Then I'm looking in the muzzle of a gun!

Toms: It's gittin' so you cain't have any fun!

Every daughter has a father with a gun!

It's a scandal, it's an outrage!

How a gal gits a husband today!

Misto: If you make one mistake when the Jellicle moon is bright

Then they tie you to a contract, so you'll make it every night!

Toms: It's a scandal, it's an outrage!

When her family surround you and say:

You gotta take and make an honest women outta Nell!

Misto: TO make you make her honest...

Mungo: She will lie like 'ell!

Matt: Good save, Mungojerrie!

Misto: May I continue with my big number please?

Toms: It's a scandal, it's an outrage!

On our tomhood, it's a blot!

Where is the leader who will save us

And be the first tom to be shot?

Misto: Me?

Toms: YES, YOU!

It's a scandal, it's an outrage!

Just a wink and a kiss and you're through!

Misto: YOu're a mess, and in less than a year, by heck!

There's a kitten on your shoulder making bubbles on your neck!

Toms: It's a scandal, it's an outrage!

Any farmer will tell you it's true.

Misto A rooster in a chicken coop is better off'n men!

He ain't the special property of just one hen!

(They don't see Bombado Annielurina and the queens enter.)

Toms: It's a scandal, it's an outrage!

It's a problem we must solve.

We gotta start a revolution!

Queens: All right, boys, revolve!

(The toms all turn around and see the girls and are picked out of the line one by one. All exit except one queen--Jemima--who prowls around looking for another tom. One of the toms--in this case it's Carbucketty, fully recovered from the female kitten assault he endured in "Carby"--approaches, and Jemima runs after him.)

Carbucketty: AAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! NOT AGAIN!

(IT's now down to three cats...Gerteazer, Jellylaurey, and Munkurly are now the only cats on stage. Jellylaurey and Gerteazer are packing their lunch hampers for the box social, and get into a heated exchange...Aunt Jennyeller sees this and orders Gerteazer to go inside to calm down. Munkurly, who has been watching, stays outside.)

Jelly: So that's the Rumplings girl I heard so much talk of.

Munku: You seen her before, ain't you?

Jelly: Yeow. But not since she got so old. Never did see anybody get so peeked-lookin' in such a short time.

(So anyway, there's some more dialogue, and Munkurly and Jellylaurey think that people gossip about them.)

Jemi: Wow. Talk about paranoid.

Old D: There was nothing much to do back in those times. So people just sat around and spread gossip about one another.

Jemi: How would you know, Old Deuteronomy?

Old D: I WAS THERE!

(The two "lovecats" sing another song...which we'll skip...)

Munku and Jelly: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(Munkurly then tries to get Jellylaurey to break off her date with Mac...but she couldn't...so he decides to go to the smokehouse and have a little chat with Mac.)

Alonzo: I've got your back, Munkustrap!

Munku: Relax, Alonzo, we're only acting...*under his breath* but if he starts anything...(hands Alonzo a brick)

Alonzo: Gotcha.

(Munkurly goes to the smokehouse...and knocks. Mac Fries, the evil farmhand...)

MAC: I resent that word. I prefer to be called "morally challenged".

(...is inside. Munkurly knocks.)

Mac: Well, open it, cain't you?

Munku: Howdy.

Mac: What'd you want?

Munku: I done got through my business up here at the house. Just thought I'd pay a call...you got a gun, I see.

Mac: Good one. Colt .45.

Bustopher: Colt .45? Where? I could go for a drink.

Tugger: Uh, bad idea, Bustopher. I remember what happened last time you got drunk.

Bustopher: Look who's talking!

(Munkurly looks at more of Mac's pictures of naked queens, then notices the rope on the wall...)

Munku: THat's a good-lookin' rope you got there. (spins it) Spins nice. You know Will Tugger? He can sure spin a rope. 'S a good strong hook you got there. You could hang yourself on that, Mac.

Mac: I could what?

Munku: (in a cheerful tone) Hang yourself! It'd be as easy as falling off a log!

Jemi: Ewwwww!

Lec: This is getting really morbid.

(I can't help but agree with Electra here. So anyway, Munkurly tells Mac Fries about the funeral he'd have, and sings the projected song that would be sung...)

Munku: (sings) Poor Mac is dead

Poor Mac Fries is dead!

All gather 'round his coffin now and cry.

He had a heart of gold, and he wasn't very old

Oh why did such a feller have to die?

Poor Mac is dead, poor Mac Fries is dead,

He's lookin' oh so peaceful and serene...

(Mac is getting into the idea of his own funeral...)

Mac: And serene!

Munku: He's all laid out to rest

With his hands across his chest

His claws have never ever been so clean!

(speaks)

Now the preacher'd git up and he'd say "Folks! We are gathered here to moan and groan over our brother Mac Fries who hung hisself up by a rope in the smokehouse." 'N then there'd be weepin' and wailin' from some of those queens."

All Queens: GET REAL!

Munku: (who is on a roll) 'N then he'd say "Mac was the most misunderstood tom in the territory. People useta think he was a mean, ugly feller. And they called him a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity, the Napoleon of Crime...

Matt: WRONG SHOW!

(Mac looks up.)

Munku: (continues) But the folks that really knowed him, knowed that beneath them two dirty shirts he always wore, there beat a heart as big as all outdoors.

Mac: Big as all outdoors!

Munku: Mac Fries loved his fellow man!

Mac: He loved his fellow man!

Munku: He loved the birds of the forest...(under his breath)except when he was eating them...(in full voice)and the beasts of the field...(under his breath)except the Jellicles who he always fought...

Matt: Munkustrap, where does it say that in the script?

Munku: What, there's no place for personal commentary? (Back into character)...and he treated the rats like equals...which was right!

Pouncival: DARN RIGHT! Preach on!

Munku: And he loved little kittens. He loved everybody and everythin' in the world! Only he never let on, so nobody ever knowed it!

(sings again)

Poor Mac is dead

Poor Mac Fries is dead!

His friends'll weep and wail for miles around!

Mac: Miles around!

Dem: Macavity has FRIENDS?!

Munku: The daisies in the dell will give out a diff'rent smell

Because poor Mac is buried in the ground.

(Mac lets that one slide.)

Mac: Poor Mac is dead, a candle lights his head,

He's layin' in a coffin made of wood

Munku: Wood...

MAC: And folks are feelin' sad

'Cause they useta treat him bad

And now they know their friend is gone for good.

Munku: Good.

Mac and Munku: Poor Mac is dead, a candle lights his head!

Munku: He's lookin' oh so purty and so nice.

He looks like he's asleep

It's a shame that he won't keep...

Backstage Cats: But now he's open grounds for worms and mice!

Matt: THOSE AREN'T THE LYRICS! Sheesh!

Munku and Mac: (in harmony) Poor Mac...poor Mac.

(So anyway, Mac makes the all-important mistake...he talks about ways on how to get even with people...including how a farm he previously worked at burned down...no "accident". He then warns Munkurly to stay away from Jellylaurey. Munkurly leaves, but Mac gets another visitor...Mistoli Hakim. He tries to sell Mac some more "art postcards".)

Mac: I don't want none o' them things now. Got any Peke-stickers?

Misto: You mean one of them long knives? You're a cat, for Pete's sakes, you've got four knives on each paw! *gulps* Long ones, too!

Matt: Where is that in the script?

Misto: I'm just telling it like it is. (gets back into character) What would you want with a thing like that?

Mac: I dunno. Kill a hog...er a skunk. It's all the same, ain't it? I tell you what I'd like better 'n a Peke-sticker. Ever hear of "The Little Wonder"? You hold it up to your eyes to see pictures...but there's a thing on it, you touch it, out springs a sharp blade.

Misto: On a spring, eh?

Mac: You say to a feller, look through this. 'N then when he's lookin' you snap out the blade. It's just above his chest and BANG! Down you come! (he smacks Mistoli Hakim in the chest to add to the effect.)

Misto: A good joke to play on a friend...I don't handle things like that. Too dangerous. What I'd like to show you is my new stock of postcards.

(So there's more dialogue here, and Mac says he's sick of pictures of queens...)

Misto: All right, you're tired of them. So throw 'em away and buy some new ones. You get tired of a queen and what can you do? Nothing! Just keep getting tireder and tireder!

Mac: I made up my mind.

Misto (heading out): So, you want a real queen...say, do you happen to know a queen named Bombado Annielurina?

Mac: I don't want her!

Misto: I don't want her either, but I got her!

(So anyway, Mac sings another song...but since I don't know the melody...or that it even existed until I started on this parody...we'll skip it.)

Mac: THANK YOU!

(We are now on a grove on Jellylaurey's farm. There's a lot of "girlie dialogue" which I'd rather skip, but the queens tell Jellylaurey they *know* she wants to be Munkurly's girlfriend, even though she's going to the box social with Mac. They leave, and Jellylaurey begins to sing...)

JELLY: (sings)

Out of my dreams and into your arms I long to fly.

I will come as evening comes to woo a waiting sky.

Out of my dreams, and into the hush of falling shadows,

When the mist is low, and stars are breaking through,

Then out of my dreams, I'll go

Into a dream, with you. (she falls asleep)

(All the queens backstage are sobbing.)

Juliet: *sniff* That song always gets me.

(So now there's the big dream ballet...Victoria is the "dream Jellylaurey", Pouncival is the "dream Munkurly", and Plato is the "dream Mac". IN the dream, Jellylaurey falls in love with Munkurly, but when they get married, she sees Mac in Munkurly's place. Mac is soon distracted by some saloon queens, and Munkurly returns. There is a huge fight, and Mac wins. The real Jellylaurey then resurfaces, indicating she's been awakened by the real Mac.)

Mac: Wake up, Jellylaurey, it's time to start for the party.

*END OF ACT 1*

Matt: All right, break time!

Pounce: And not a moment too soon! (he heads over to the deli tray, toy six shooters in hand, and speaks a la John Wayne) OK, tuna, we don't take too kindly to ya 'round these parts. My stomach's leavin' town in 15 minutes. BE IN IT!

Veroni: (who has been watching the goings-on from a seat in back) Giving all new meaning to the term 'smoked ham'. (stares and the cold cuts and shakes her head) Although now I think I understand where the holes in swiss cheese come from.