THE CATS' PAJAMAS GAME

(The junkyard now has a curtain made of left-over pajama fabric. Most of the cats are milling around, Juliet is teaching ombalurina, the Rum Tum Tugger, and Alonzo the choreography for their big number. Bombalurina seems to be getting it, but Tugger has one eye on Juliet and the other on Alonzo, making sure Alonzo doesn't get too close to his gal pal Bombalurina. Meanwhile, Bustopher Jones approaches Matt...)

BUSTOPHER: Matt, I thank you for giving me this part. I'm truly touched that you let me play Hines! Imagine, me, one of the most important Jellicles in the tribe, playing an executive!

(Pouncival walks by and hears this.)

POUNCIVAL: Yeah...executive, fat cat, fat cat playing executive....the part is you, Bustopher!

BUSTOPHER: Why you impudent little...I swear, if I wasn't so fat, I'd chase you and give you a good kick in the tail!

MATT: No time to worry about that right now, Bustopher....get in front of the curtain. Hey Juliet, do Bombalurina, Tugger, and Alonzo know the choreography?

JULIE: I think Bombalurina and Alonzo do, but I'm a little concerned about the Tugger. He didn't seem to be paying too much attention.

MATT: I know, he's been a bit wary about doing any sort of scene with Alonzo since that "How to Succeed..." incident. And I can say the same for Alonzo.

JULIE: Let's just hope and pray to the Everlasting Cat that they don't do anything that would end up with them being in the intensive care ward.

MACAVITY: The intensive care ward is a wonderful place...I should know after "Oklahomeow"...

MATT: OK, less talk, more rock! ACTION!

(The pajama fabric curtain has a spotlight on it, which pajama factory executive Mr. Vernon Jones...er, engulfs in this case because he's...er, big-boned...yeah, that's it!...and he begins to speak.)

BUSTOPHER: Cut the fat jokes and let me perform, you whippersnapper.

(gets into character)

This is a very serious drama. It's kind of a problem play. It's about capital and labor. I wouldn't bother to make such a point of all this except later on, if you happen to see a lot of queens in heat being chased through the woods by a bunch of testosterone-driven tomcats playing pajama factory executives, I don't want you to get the wrong impression. This play is full of symbolism.

POUNCE: So that means it's going to be pretty boring, huh?

SKIMBLESHANKS: GOING to be boring? Who was Bustopher's drama coach, Old Deuteronomy?

OLD DEUTERONOMY: HEY!

BUSTOPHER: May we get on with this, please? I'm due at the Senior Educational right after this play!

(gets back into character)

I work in the Sleep Tite Pajama Factory in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

(begins to sing)

The pajama game is the game I'm in and

I'm proud to be in the pajama game, I love it,

I can hardly wait to wake and get to work by eight,

Nothing's quite the same as the pajama game!

(speaks again)

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Thank the Everlasting Cat. When Bustopher sings, he sounds like a bullfrog with a sore throat!

JENNYANYDOTS: Come now. I think his voice is lovely.

TUMBLE: YOU hang out with mice and cockroaches!

BUSTOPHER: AHEM!

(gets back into character)

I'm an executive.

ALL: Translation: fat cat.

BUSTOPHER: EXCUSE ME! (gets back into character)

I'm a time study tom. I can tell you per second exactly how many stitches go into a pair of pajamas. I can time anything. You'll see when we get down...

BACKSTAGE TOMS: (sing) Get down, get down, get down, get down,

JUNGLE BOOGIE! JUNGLE BOOGIE! Get down, get down...

MATT: WRONG SONG! That isn't even IN a show! Carbucketty, stop dancing the hustle near the cat box before...

(the cat box tips over, and kitty litter flies everywhere)

MATT: ...you tip it over.

(Mistoffolees, who thought he wouldn't have to do any magic this time around, just waves his paw and the litter and cat box go back to normal.)

BUSTOPHER: (determined not to break character this time) You'll see when we get down to the factory. (He pulls out a pocket watch) Let her go!

(The curtain opens and we see the factory in full swing. Factory queens are sewing, and other assorted cats are sorting and inspecting the pajamas.)

BUSTOPHER: All right, queens, hurry up, I've got my stop watch on you. Now watch for the symbolism.

(A short, black cat wearing glasses strides into the factory. He is Preztoffelees, the leader of the workers' union.)

BUSTOPHER: Here comes the President of the Union. Boy, he's sharp. He knows what's going on around here.

MISTO: Yeah baby! I know this part isn't evil, but I can do a lot of bad boy stuff here too! THANKS MATT! WOO-HOO!

ALONZO: Ever since Catsalot, he's been a bit too eager to play bad guys.

MAC: Well, he's giving me a break, anyway.

MISTO: (in character) Hey, I lost my lunch bucket. Anybody see my lunch bucket?

POUNCE: Hey, I lost my lunch when I found out we were doing this play. Anybody see THAT?

JEMIMA: EWWWWWWWW!!!!

(Back on stage...)

BUSTOPHER: I told you he was sharp.

(Preztoffelees speaks to two factory queens--Victoria and Etcetera. He goes up behind Victoria and saves our PG rating by waving his paw...)

MISTO: Her is the cutest one.

VICKY (jumps and squeals, grabbing her butt) Oooh!

MATT: I knew that magic of his would come in handy for this part.

(The kitty actors go on, undaunted.)

BUSTOPHER: He's relaxing, but there's another side to his character.

(A factory tom--Tumblebrutus--enters.)

TUMBLE: How about it, Preztoffelees?

MISTO: IF WE DON'T GET A SEVEN AND A HALF CENT RAISE BY THE FIRST OF THE MONTH, WE STRIKE!

TUMBLE: You said it!

MISTO: You said it! (they both exit)

BUSTOPHER: See how ideas keep creeping through. That takes the sting off the sexy parts.

MATT: Thank the Everlasting Cat. We really pushed it with the horse race scene in "My Fair Jellicle"...and let's not go into "Rocky Tugger"...

BUSTOPHER: (continues) Oh, look out, here comes my boss, Mr. Deutler. There's capital for you. Capital with a capital C. He's a great economist.

(Deutler enters, and he acts like he's all that, because...well, he is! he goes to a machine where Cassandra is working...)

OLD D: Waste, waste, waste! Turn off those lights! Do you think J.P. Morgan got rich leaving lights burning all over Wall Street? Where's my secretary? Bombys!

(Deutler's secretary, Bombys, enters.)

TUGGER: I'm warning you, Alonzo, if you so much as lay one paw on her...

ALONZO: All right, all right, come off it already! I know the choreography, and it doesn't even involve touching her!

BUSTOPHER: MAY WE CONTINUE PLEASE? I would hate to keep my Senior Educational colleagues waiting!

(everyone goes back into character)

BOMBALURINA: Yes, Mr. Deutler.

BUSTOPHER: I love her. I love her.

TUGGER: Keep off her, you fat--

(Old D quickly says his next line before Tugger says something he'll regret...)

OLD D: Where's the new superintendent?

BOMB: We can't find him. (looks to the left) Here's Grizbel, she'll know.

(Grizbel enters...still in her Norma Desmond costume?!)

GRIZABELLA: (sings) Silent music starts to play...

MATT: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG! We'll never get this right...never...ever!!!! (goes to the orchestra pit and bangs his head on the piano keys)

VICKY: And that was our Sesame Street Reference of the Fic, folks!

GRIZ: Sorry! (gets into the right character, after Juliet gives her her pills...)

OLD D: (still in character, but is trying hard not to laugh at his poor director's masochism factor) Where's Strapokin?

GRIZ: He's around the plant somewhere, Mr. Deutler. First there was a leak in the water tower...

SKIMBLE: Oh no, not another leak! I'm having bad "Sunset" flashbacks.

TUGGER: Uh, Skimble, we're outside.

SKIMBLE: Oh yeah!

GRIZ: (still in character)...then he went down to the boiler room.

OLD D: Go find him.

GRIZ: (overacts this line) Yes, Mr. Deutler. (exits)

OLD D: Bombys, take a letter.

BOMB: Yes, sir.

OLD D: Board of Directors: Employees' demand for seven and a half cents' raise absolutely unnecessary.

ALL: OOOOHHHH, that's cold!

OLD D: Jones.

BUSTOPHER: Yes, sir.

OLD D: Keep things going.

BUSTOPHER: All right, queens. Keep the rhythm. I've got my stop watch on you. Hurry up! Can't waste time! Hurry up!

(There is a blackout. The lights go back up, and a group of factory queens are hard at work making pajamas. Nothing like a good old-fashioned work song to keep the pace going...)

FACTORY QUEENS: Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up

Can't waste time, can't waste time, can't waste time, can't waste time

When you're racing with the clock

When you're racing with the clock

And the second hand doesn't understand

That your back may break and your fingers ache

And your constitution isn't made of rock

It's a losing race when you're racing with the

Racing with the

Racing with the clock!

BUSTOPHER: Hurry up girls. Seconds are ticking. Seconds are ticking. HURRY UP!

(The factory queens repeat their song, but I won't type it to save HTML space, and because that part of the song can get a bit annoying at times...)

ALL: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(A factory tom enters and sings...)

TUGGER: When will Old Tom Deutler break down and come up with our seven and a half cent raise?

(Another tom enters...)

MUNGOJERRIE: 'Ow in 'ell can Oi buy me a swell new second-'and car on tha' salary 'e paiys?

(The queens sing and speak this next part...)

TUMBLE: Way to confuse us, Matt.

ELECTRA: (sings) What do you think of the new superintendent?

VICKY: (speaks) He's cute.

ETCETERA: (speaks) He'll never last.

JEMIMA: (sings) He's kind of fresh for a new superintendent.

EXOTICA: (speaks) I like a tom with spunk.

TANTOMILE: (speaks) You like a tom, period!

(the queens laugh, and Jones enters)

BUSTOPHER: All right, queens. Cut out the laughing. Cut out the laughing. Tempus fugit. Tempus fugit.

FACTORY QUEENS: (imitating him) Waste, waste, waste!

(They repeat the opening of the song, and a gong is heard...)

POUNCE: Signalling that we should get off the stage and abort this production!

MATT: Uh, Pouncival, this isn't "The Gong Show". That gong means that it's the factory workers' lunch break.

POUNCE: Er...we could really use a lunch break...

MATT: Not yet. You should've eaten before the show started.

POUNCE: I HAD FOOD...Bustopher ate it all! I just offered him a little...

(Back on stage, the new superintendent, Munkusid Strapokin enters with Gussie, the factory mechanic. Two other toms-- Carbucketty and George--drag behind, carrying a tool box.)

MUNKUSTRAP: We can fix this machine while they're at lunch. No, no, it's number 9.

CARBUCKETTY: This new super won't last.

GEORGE: A tom like that don't belong in this town.

(Anyway, the reason why he don't belong is...)

MUNKU: Because I didn't even want to play this part in the first place?

MATT: No, Munkustrap...

(...because he actually tries to FIX broken equipment, and Deutler doesn't want to pay to get it fixed!)

SKIMBLE: Typical of those fat cats.

BUSTOPHER: EXCUSE ME!

SKIMBLE: Not YOU, Bustopher!

(Anyway, as they're about to start fixing a machine, Grizbel approaches.)

GRIZ: Oh, Mr. Strapokin.

MUNKU: Yes, Grizbel.

GRIZ: Mr. Deutler's gone to the shipping room. He wants you right away.

MUNKU: I've got to finish this. I can't....

GRIZ: Yes, I know...Mr. Deutler's kind of difficult sometimes. You're the third superintendent we've had this year.

MUNKU: And I'm the last one you'll have this year, Grizbel, 'cause I would want this job.

(Any-hoo, there's a lot of dialogue and Munkusid has irked one of his helpers, who goes to the Grievance Committee... who Gussie says causes quite a fuss. Anyway, Munkusid sings a song which I didn't even know existed up until now...so we'll skip it...)

MUNKU: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(anyway, we'll skip ahead a bit here, and after a heated exchange with Jones and Deutler, the head of the Grievance Committee appears...the attractive Babemeter Williams.)

DEMETER: Finally! 'Bout time I got a lead role!

CARB: All right, Mister, here's the Grievance Committee.

MUNKU: Oh, is this the Committee?

DEM: That's right, Mr. Strapokin.

(So anyway, Munkusid is up to his ears in problems: his complaining coworker, Babemeter Williams, Jones, and Deutler giving him a hard time.)

VERONI: (enters with a tray of cold cuts) Guys! Time for lunch!

BUSTOPHER: About time!

VERONI: Pounce, did you guys get that memo I sent?

POUNCE: What memo?

VERONI: The memo about memos. We're sending out too many memos and it has to stop!

POUNCE: Alright, I'll send out a memo.

BOMB: *groans and sighs* You two gonna gab or eat?

VERONI & POUNCE: (run by to the lunch buffet)