VERONI: Matt's waiting you slackers!
MAC: We're NOT slackers... We just don't like to do much. (Veroni raises her eyebrows) Okay, 'anything', but just the
same--
MUNKU: You weren't supposed to SAY that, Mac!
VERONI: Tell ya what. You guys be good little thespian-kitties and go work with Matt and I'll go away. (they all run away
and Veroni smirks) They're so gullable.
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF...Munkusid Strapokin, the new superintendent at the Sleep-Tite Pajama Factory, had just been accused of shoving a factory worker...who went to the grievance committee, who appeared in the form of Babemeter Williams, and Munkusid was instantly smitten. Meanwhile, a labor dispute is brewing, and the factory cats are talking to their union leader, Preztoffelees...
MISTO: You elected me President, you've got to have confidence in me.
TUMBLE: Sure.
RUMPLE: We only said...
MISTO: Listen, this is no time to be talking about no ultimatum and no strikes.
TUMBLE: Yes, but that seven and a half cents...
MISTO: Wait a minute...there ain't no question but we're gonna get that seven and a half cents' raise, other companies are paying it and we're entitled to it, but we got to be smart. Wait till old Deutler's got so many orders in he can't afford to shut the factory down. Then we got him.
TUMBLE: You bet!
(Babemeter and some more of the factory queens enter...and greet Preztoffelees...)
MISTO: Hello. Say Babemeter, what about that tom that got hit? WHat'd the super have to say for himself?
DEM: That's one for the birds, Preztoffelees. That tom hasn't even got a bruise on his arm. He's a faker.
MISTO: You think so, huh, Babemeter?
DEM: Sure, he's a phony. If that guy Strapokin ever really hit him he'd break in two.
MISTO: OK. (walks off stage)
MISTO: No. Unfortunately, Tugger, all toms can't be like you.
TUGGER: Ah, shut your pie hole. You wish you could be me!
(Misto points his paw at Tugger, and turns him into a lizard.)
TUGGER: OK, you win. I take it back!
(Misto changes Tugger back.)
FEMALE KITTENS: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!
Anyways, back on stage, the queens are all talking about how hot Munkusid is, and they think Babemeter has a crush on him...
TANTI: Love comes at last to Babemeter Williams!
DEM: Oh, get off it! I hardly looked at the tom. I'm the Grievance Committee. LOVE--are you NUTS?!
MUNKU: I sure hope you're only acting. I'd hate to think that saving you from that punk
Macavity was for nothing.
MAC: You're lucky I still have a concussion, Munkustrap. The vet said I couldn't pick any more fights for at least another
two parodies.
(SO anyway, Babemeter and the queens sing a song declaring Babemeter's emotions toward Munkusid...)
DEM: I'm not at all in love, not at all in love, not I
Not a bit, not a mite
Though I'll admit he's quite a hunk of a guy...
TUGGER: That's what they all say.
MUNKU: She's singing about me, you egotistical furball!
TUGGER: Well, excuuuuse me!
(Back on stage...)
DEM: (still singing)
But he's not my cup of tea, not my cup of tea, not he...
RUMPLE: Aoowwww, it's CUP of tea...CUP of tea...
MATT: Uh, Rumpleteazer, "Meow, Fair Jellicle" is over.
DEM: COULD I FINISH MY SONG HERE?
(sings)
Not an ounce, not a pinch
He's just an inch too sure of himself for me!
(anyway, she is still in denial, bumps into Munkusid in an elevator, and then lets her emotions get the better of her...)
DEM: (sings) When I fall in love there'll be no doubt about it
'Cause you will know from the way that I shout it...
OTHER QUEENS: You're shouting...
DEM: (quiets down) I haven't fallen
QUEENS: She hasn't fallen
DEM: I'm not at all in love.
FACTORY QUEENS: She's not at all in love!
(The next scene takes place in an old-styled office. Grizbel's desk is at one side, Munkusid's is at the center. Bombys enters.)
BOMB: Got those figures for Mr. Deutler?
GRIZ: (overacting) They're...in the file!
JULIE: See how she takes a small line like that and makes it great?
OTHER CATS: Juliet, DON'T encourage her!
BOMB: (still in character) Where's your boss?
GRIZ: On the first floor. A couple of the queens had a fight.
(Anyway, Griz does a phone conversation and another factory queen enters, selling tickets to the company picnic. Jones enters, and both he and Grizbel buy tickets, with Jones promising to do his knife-throwing act...)
ALL: AAAAHHHHHH!
MATT: Don't worry, guys. The only thing Bustopher can do with a knife is cut food with it.
BUSTOPHER: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
(Anyway, Bombys has left a note on Munkusid's desk. Jones watches it, and gets suspicious...)
BUSTOPHER: What you doing...leaving him a note? HUH?
(Bombys shoots a dirty look at him.)
BUSTOPHER: Carrying on with Strapokin, huh?
BOMB: Oh, Vernon.
(Anyway, Bombys is a little upset at Vernon's jealousy...so she storms off. Knowing she's mad at him makes him feel remorse, so he makes this vow to Grizbel, who has been watching the whole thing...)
POUNCE: That he'll only eat five pounds of shrimp a day instead of ten?
BUSTOPHER: Would someone give this kitten a kick in the tail?!
(gets back into character)
I'll never be jealous again, Grizbel--never.
BOMB: Maybe I'll give you cause some day.
(storms off)
GRIZ: Oh, Jonesy...Jonesy...
BUSTOPHER: I learned my lesson, I'll never be jealous again!
GRIZ: You stick to it now.
BUSTOPHER: Absolutely.
GRIZ: (sings)
That's easier said than done
BUSTOPHER: (sings)
I can do it!
GRIZ: I know, but let's take an example just for fun...
Picture this, you're sitting and waiting for her to come back from a date
BUSTOPHER: There I am, I'm sitting and waiting for her to come back from a date
GRIZ: Here she comes, her blouse is unbuttoned her stockings are not very straight
BUSTOPHER: Here she comes, her blouse is unbuttoned her stockings are not very straight
GRIZ: Later on she gets a bouquet with a card in it saying "To baby you were great"...(speaks) Well, Jonesy, what would you do then?
BUSTOPHER: (still singing) I would trust her, I would trust her,
By George...
GEORGE: What?
POUNCE: Not you, George!
CARB: Ever notice how we're recycling the same old jokes?
SKIMBLE: NOOOOOOO.
MATT: Sarcasm detected and not appreciated, Skimbleshanks!
BUSTOPHER: (still singing)
By George, I swear I would trust her,
No, I'll never be jealous again!
(Anyway, Grizbel gives Jones some more examples, and with each one he swears he'll never be jealous again. The two then go into a soft shoe dance.)
VICKY: Wow, Bustopher can really tap dance well for a cat his size!
MISTO: And he did it without any of my magic, too!
BUSTOPHER: Who's old and fat NOW?!
POUNCE: Uh, Bustopher, we never said anything about you not being old and fat, we just said you could dance fairly well
for someone who is old and fat.
VICKY: But can you do this? (lifts her leg so that it is parallel to her body)
BUSTOPHER: GRRRR!
(At the end of the song, Jones walks off and Deutler and Munkusid enter.)
OLD D: What right has the Union to run their Coca-Cola machine with our electricity? It's just as Fulton Lewis, Jr. said last night...do you listen to Fulton Lewis, Jr., Strapokin?
MUNKU: Well, I'm rather flexible in the matter.
OLD D: Boy, has he got their number-keen mind-one of the greatest thinkers in the country today. Should listen to him every night. It ought to be in every executive's contract. (he pounds a fist on the book Bombys had been holding.) What's this? This shouldn't be left lying around. BOMBYS!!!!
BOMB: (in the doorway) Yes?
OLD D: Where you been?
BOMB: I been to the ladies'. Isn't that all right?
OLD D: But this book...
BOMB: Oh, Mr. Deutler, you scared the life out of me. Look. I've got the key around my neck. It's all right.
OLD D: I--DON'T--WANT--IT--LEFT--LYING--AROUND!!!!! IS THAT CLEAR?!
BOMB: (now scared to the point of tears) Yes, Mr. Deutler. (she runs off)
OLD D: (out of character) This is so unlike me, it's not even funny.
MAC: You know, you could have been like that in real life, but no, you had to be Mr.
Nice Guy...if that wuss Mistoffolees hadn't brought you back, I'd have taught you a few things.
OLD D: PLEASE! Macavity, I need to learn how to be like you as much as I need a hole in my head.
(So anyway, Deutler takes off and Munkusid and Grizbel get to talking...)
MUNKU: Say Grizbel...tell me something. What kind of a girl is this Babemeter Williams?
GRIZ: Babemeter? She's peppy. Full of spunk.
MUNKU: Is she married?
GRIZ: No, not quite.
MUNKU: What do you mean, not quite?
GRIZ: She was close once. She was engaged to the Bailey boy....
BILL BAILEY: You guys always gotta drag me in for non-appearing characters, huh?
GRIZ: ...Then one time at a football game she pushed him off the end of the bleachers and gave him a concussion. That broke the engagement.
BILL: OK, now I not only have a non-appearing part, but a non-appearing part with a
concussion.
TUMBLE: Just thank the Everlasting Cat that Matt doesn't have you actually appear on stage...well, actually, be thankful
he's only had you appear on stage as a background cat.
BILL: What are you whining about? I want to have a main part someday...
OTHER CATS: (in unison) NO YOU DON'T!!!!
(Anyway, to make a long story short, Munkusid calls Babemeter into his office...)
MUNKU: I wanted to talk to you about that assault and battery case.
DEM: Ah! Well, we thought we would just forget about that, Mr. Strapokin.
MUNKU: Yes?
DEM: Yeah, we all knew that injured limb was a lot of nonsense. To tell you the truth we've had trouble with him before.
MUNKU: I can believe that. If you only knew what I had to go through to get him to kick across with a screwdriver, I'd been justified if I HAD socked him.
DEM: Well, we won't go into that. But anyhow we have it down in our books as a slight nudge.
(they both get up)
MUNKU: Personally, I think a little physical punishment is good for cats once in a while.
ALONZO: Right on, Munkustrap!
MAC: Oooohhhhh...it's not good for the cats who are on the receiving end of it....trust me....
(Back on stage...)
DEM: Oh, you do? Captain Bligh?
GUS: Been there, played him.
MUNKU: No, not exactly. Sit down for a second, will you, Miss Williams? I want to talk to you...
OTHER CATS: AWKWARD PAUSE TIME!
MUNKU: Thanks for spoiling the moment...
SKIMBLE: (sings) This is the moment...
MATT: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! We'll never get this right...never, ever!!! (bangs his head
on the piano keys again)
JULIE: Maybe I should switch him to decaf...
MUNKU: (back in character) How about a date?
DEM: WHAT?!
MUNKU: How about going out to dinner some night?
DEM: Well, I don't know.
MUNKU: Maybe check up on some of the local hot spots?
DEM: Thanks. But I don't think so.
MUNKU: What is this strange power I have over queens?
DEM: It really wouldn't work, not at all.
MUNKU: Looks like I struck out that time!
TUGGER: Some toms got it, and YOU DON'T, Munkustrap! HA!
DEM: It's nothing personal. But you see, you're the superintendent and I'm the Grievance Committee. (heads out)
(Munkusid sita at his desk and turns on his Dictaphone...)
JEMI: What are those?
MATT: You've probably seen those things...tape recorders with microphones that people in offices used to record stuff
they wanted to see typed by secretaries. A lot of those things have been sent to the junkyard lately.
JEMI: OH! So THAT'S what those are!
(Well, because Dictaphones have gone the way of the dodo as of late, we were able to snare one for the production. Munkusid turns on his Dictaphone and begins to sing...)
MUNKU: Memo to Munkusid Strapokin...
Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes
Love never made a fool of you
You used to be too wise!
Hey there, you on that high flyin' cloud
Though she won't throw a crumb to you
You think some day she'll come to you.
Better forget her
Her with her nose in the air
She has you dancin' on a string
Break it and she won't care
Will you take this advice I hand you like a brother
Or are you not seeing things too clear
Are you just too far gone to hear
Is it all going in one ear
And out the other?
SKIMBLE: That's what I've often wondered about Matt. Every time we tell him we don't want to do another parody it goes in one ear and out the other.
(Munkusid flips the switch on the dictaphone, and it plays back his own voice.)
MACHINE: Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes
MUNKU: Who, me?
MACHINE: Love never made a fool of you
MUNKU: Not until now!
MACHINE: You used to be too wise.
MUNKU: Yeah, I was, ONCE.
MACHINE: Hey there...
MUNKU: I hear you...(breaks character) a deaf cat could hear you.
MACHINE: You on that high flyin' cloud
Though she won't throw a crumb to you
MUNKU: (back in character) Don't rub it in.
MACHINE: You think some day she'll come to you
MUNKU: Ah, shut up.
MACHINE: Better forget her
MUNKU: (sings again) Forget her
MACHINE: Her with her nose in the air
MUNKU: Her with her nose in the air
MACHINE: She has you dancin' on a string
MUNKU: A puppet on a string...
MACHINE: Break it and she won't care
MUNKU: She won't care for me.
MACHINE AND MUNKU: Will you take this advice I hand you? Like a brother
(Munkusid turns the machine off)
MUNKU: Or am I not seeing things too clear
(turns the machine back on)
MACHINE: Are you too much in love to hear?
(Munkusid turns the machine off again.)
MUNKU: Is it all going in one ear and out the other?
POUNCE: OK, Munkustrap's REALLY lost it now. Not only does he sing the song with
himself, but he inserts his own smart cracks!
MATT: Pouncival, if you were reading the script, like you never do, you would have known that those lines were in it.
POUNCE: That's as may be, but I consider it a missed opportunity for some real smart cracks.
(The next scene takes place at the company picnic. A group of toms in baseball uniforms runs across, and then a salesman enters with a factory queen...)
MATT: Psst, I need a salesman! Macavity, would you?
MAC: Uh-uh! No way! Every time I'm roped into something like this, something bad happens. FIND ANOTHER CAT!
MATT: Oh boy. Uh, Coricopat, could you be the salesman, pretty please?
CORICOPAT: How will I know nothing bad's going to happen to me?
MATT: TRUST ME.
CORI: That's what the captain of the Titanic said when someone asked him if the boat could possibly sink.
MATT: Just be a good kitty and get out there, OK?
(...the salesman, Coricomax, enters with a factory queen.)
CORI: I love these picnics. I always come back from the road for them. Say, on this last trip I sold a lot of Sleep Tite Pajamas.
TANTI: You did, eh?
CORI: Believe me, I knocked 'em for a loop in Massillon, Chillicothe, Van Wert, Napoleon. Finest season I ever had.
(They exit. After an announcement about the lack of baked beans, Preztoffelees comes on, followed by Bombys, carrying a suitcase.)
MISTO: Where's Jonesy?
BOMB: He couldn't keep up with me.
MISTO: Boy, they gotta be good to keep up with you, and this is the day, I say...let yourself go, huh?
BOMB: You want to go someplace?
MISTO: Aw, you know what I mean...(sits on the suitcase) Say, that's a mighty nifty outfit you got on. I go for that!
BOMB: I don't know, I brought a dress along too. Jonesy says this outfit's too revealing.
(The backstage toms are too busy drooling to make any smart cracks, except for Tugger, who's making sure no one so much as lays a paw on his gal pal, Bombalurina.)
JENNY: MALES!
MISTO: (still in character) It ain't too nothing. You tell Jonesy to go roll a hoop down Main Street. You have class, honey. You're beautiful. (tries to hug her)
TUGGER: You better watch it, Misto...
BOMB: (pushes Preztoffolees away) I know I'm beautiful. Probably the most beautiful queen north of Keokuk, Iowa. But you got a queen, Preztoffolees.
MISTO: Aw, forget that. Her and me is total strangers...listen baby...
(sings)
I wouldn't never tell this to nobody else but you
To nobody else but you I wouldn't never tell this
What I mean to say is you're different from the rest,
Baby you're the best
And I wouldn't never tell this to nobody else
But you!
BOMB: Aw, go on!
MISTO: Her is a kinda queen what drives a tomcat bats, isn't her?
BOMB: Her is!
MISTO: Her has a kinda shape what really is the cats, hasn't her?
SKIMBLE: And that last line suits us well.
BOMB: (still into the song) Her is!
MISTO: My queen, she ain't understandin'
She ain't what her is!
This here ain't no line I'm handin'
Or should I drop dead right where I'm standin'!
Her is a snappy dresser what is dressed to kill, isn't her?
BOMB: Her is!
MISTO: Her is the only doll from which I get a thrill, isn't her?
BOMB: Her is!
MISTO: (grabs Bombys)
Her is runnin' away but her sure can bet
Him is gonna get her yet,
I'm gonna get her yet!
(Preztoffolees tries to hug Bombys, but she dances off. They reprise the song again and run off.)
TUGGER: You know, Misto, it's a good thing that you're my best friend and that you're
only acting. Otherwise...
OTHER CATS: We know, we know!
(We go to the main picnic grounds. After singing the company alma mater, Preztoffolees jumps on a picnic table...)
MISTO: And now we're going to hear from another speaker. And at this time it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you somebody you all know and he don't actually need no introduction on account of we all know him and it's always a pleasure to have him with our midst and it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you our boss Mr. Myron Deutler...OK, Mr. Deutler! (gasps for air)
JULIE: Wow, and he didn't even sing a song!
POUNCE: But he lost his breath kissing up to Old Deuteronomy.
(Deutler gets up on the table. This time Old D climbs up unassisted, unlike in "Rocky Tugger".)
OLD D: Thank you. I'm proud to be with you. We're all members of a great industry. To that industry we owe our lives and our daily bread. In return, we must recognize the stern obligations placed upon us in these terrible times of economic upheaval and governmental chaos. I can never remember a time when competition was so ruthless, dealers so cantankerous, costs outrageous, and profit margins sunk so low. My good friends, pajamas are at the crossroads; whether we go on to greater triumphs lies in you; whether you company can whether the storm of rising costs is a grave question. I thank you.
OTHER CATS: (snoring)
(Old Deuteronomy goes to the tech board and presses a button marked "SIREN". A loud fire engine siren is heard and all
the cats wake up.)
TUMBLE: Huh...what the...
VICKY: Um...er...(sings) Hurry up...hurry up...
MATT: That song was several scenes ago, Victoria. You guys fell victim to one of Old D's long speeches again.
BUSTOPHER: (half-drunk) And I never *hic* miss.
(Anyway, the crowd disperses, and Munkusid notices Babemeter...)
MUNKU: Well, if it isn't Miss Grievance Committee.
DEM: Oh, hello.
MUNKU: I have a grievance. There is a new fellow here named Munkusid Strapokin, been knocking himself out trying to be a dandy tomcat, but he can't make a score.
DEM: You tell him Miss WIlliams is a very cold, hard-boiled queen and he wouldn't like her at all if he got to know her.
(There is some more banter between the other employees, and then...)
CORI: Now hurry hurry hurry for a riot of thrills. Introducing Professor Vernon Jones, Master of the Flying Blades...
ALL: Hurrah!
CORI: ...in his sensational demonstration of iron nerve and skill exactly as performed in his professional appearances before the crowned heads of Missouri and Kansas!
CROWD: Hurrah!
CORI: Are you ready, Professor?
BUSTOPHER: I am ready. Is the trained *hic* nurse in attendance?
CORI: The trained nurse is here.
MATT: (goes over to an empty glass on a picnic table and sniffs it) Oh no, they used real beer! Here we go again...I told them to use apple juice...
BUSTOPHER: (who by now is drunk as a skunk) The *hic* excitement may prove to be *hic* too great a *hic hic* strain on some of our fair *hic* spectators.
(he has the knives in hand, stumbling around quite a bit....and the other cats are laughing hilariously at this fat cat, drunk off his gourd, throwing knives around. Thankfully, no one gets hurt, not even Babemeter when she volunteers to have a knife thrown at an apple on top of her head.)
GRIZ: Is it over yet? Ooohhh...(she faints on top of Bill Bailey and George)
MUNKU: Now cut that out! Get these tables out of here! BREAK IT UP!
BUSTOPHER: It's an *hic* insult! My skill has never been *hic* questioned *hic* before!
MUNKU: Oh, go drown yourself.
GEORGE: (who by now has pried Griz off of himself and Bill Bailey) Yeah, he'll drown
himself, in another beer...
MATT: Uh uh. I took whatever beer was left and pitched it. You guys drink too much!
POUNCE: (rummages through a garbage can) Hey, I found the rest of the beer! Some idiot threw a whole case of it out!
(A factory queen runs in.)
EXOTICA: Hey, guess what! Mr. Deutler's playing first base! And he's so funny!
TANTI: DEUTLER?! First base? Holy smoke. Let's go.
BUSTOPHER: (to Bombys) I tell you, I'm not jealous.
BOMB: I didn't say you were jealous, I said you were drunk.
BUSTOPHER: Well, you can't have everything...
(Anyway, the crowd disperses, and Munkusid and Babemeter go for a walk, and kiss.)
ALL: Awwwwwww.
MUNKU: Gee, baby, you're terrific.
DEM: You're not so bad yourself...for a superintendent!
(Munkusid is on cloud nine that he's been kissed by Babemeter...so what does he do? He sings!)
SKIMBLE: As if you didn't see that coming.
MUNKU: (sings)
This is my once-a-year day, once-a-year day
Felt the morning sun and knew that
This was my once-a-year day, once-a-year day
Even got a kiss from you
I feel like hopping up and down like a kangaroo
Jumpin' fences, climbin' trees
What pleases me is what I'll do 'cause...
(The other cats run on stage, some half-drunk.)
ALL: This is my once-a-year day, once-a-year day
Everyone's entitled to be wild, be a child, be a goof, raise the roof
Once a year!
This is our once-a-year day, once-a-year day
Once a year we're jumpin' fences
This is our once-a-year day, once-a-year day
Once a year we lose our senses...
DEM: Look at Gussie up a tree
Kissin' Vicky's ear
Gussie's wife is mad as heck
ALL: Ah well, it happens once a year
And this is that once-a-year day, once-a-year day
Everyone's entitled to be wild, be a child, be a goof, raise the roof
Once a year!
(There is another verse, but in the interest of time, we'll cut to the wild dance sequence. Since some of the cats are drunk, they do their own thing. Bombys is lifted several times by Tugger, and Preztoffolees does thirty-six spins. FInally, everyone collapses...)
(There is another scene, which we'll skip since half the cats have passed out, but anyway, the gist of it is that Preztoffolees hits on yet another queen....who is a bit more gung ho and yanks him off stage.)
(We now go to Babemeter's house. Munkusid is busy chatting with Babemeter's father...)
MATT: Psst! I need someone to play Pop Williams....hey wait...he is a railroad man...
Skimbleshanks?
SKIMBLE: Oh no! No way! No how! Ah, who am I kidding...(trudges on stage)
*gets into character*
When you first come here after that picnic last week, she says to me...don't be a pest...don't talk too darned much. But it might be worse if I didn't talk at all, eh, Munkusid?
MUNKU: You're right.
SKIMBLE: I always says a railroad tom can't be too much of a darned pest 'cause he ain't home enough.
MUNKU: You go out on your run tonight, don't you?
SKIMBLE: Yes, off to Milwaukee, doggone it!
(Anyhow, Babemeter enters and her father takes off. They sing another song and kiss again, which I feel like skipping...)
MUNKU AND DEM: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!!!
KELONZI: (comes in wearing a name tag that says "God") Hey all!
MUNKU: If I may ask... What the heck are you doing?
KEL: My friends are having a costume party so I came as God. A little homage to Oz in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
MISTO: And here I was trying to impress everyone by wearing a tux for Halloween. I could have been God.
KEL: Blasphemer.
DEM: This is becoming the lamest conversation I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of.
KEL: What was that?
DEM: Nothing.
KEL: I'll bet. ANYhoo.. My whole point was that Veroni says it's time for a break.
BOMB: THANK THE LORD!
KEL: You're welcome.
This author does not own "The Pajama Game" or claim to have any connection with it. No profit has been made in the
creation of this fic, so please don't sue us!
This fic is © Matt
