Phantom of the Opera meets Cats!

An Experiment in Insanity

The scene is an empty back room with a stage at one end at the Bricklayer's Arms. The Cats enter in groups of two and three. Sonia and Samson come in with them.

Munkustrap: So what is this new author like?

Samson: Delilah? Oh, she's not too bad. A little eccentric maybe.

Alonzo: We haven't met a single author yet who isn't.

Sonia: Well, I'm sure you'll have fun uncovering all of her little eccentricities.

Tugger: So what's the script?

Samson and Sonia: Phantom of the Opera.

Bombalurina: Again?!

Samson: What do you mean, again?

Victoria: We did Phantom a few months ago with a different author.

Etcetera: Of course, we've also done Starlight Express and RENT more than once.

Sonia: (smiling sweetly) I think you'll find Lilah's version a little...different.

Munkustrap: (suspicious) In what way?

Sonia: Well, for starters she's read the book and likes it better. She's also a nitpicker and a stickler for detail and she likes to be thorough.

Macavity: So what does this all add up to?

Samson: It means very little scene-cutting and you may have characters and scenes added from the book.

(several Cats groan)

Sonia: (who has just noticed Macavity) Oh, hi, Macavity! I didn't see you come in. (sidles up close to him) I'm Sonia. Welcome to the Bricklayer's Arms. Can I get you anything? (bats her eyes)

Macavity: (eyes her carefully) No, unless you can get me out of this script. I suppose I'm the Phantom.

Samson: Actually, you're not.

Mistoffelees: Then I must be. I was last time.

Sonia: (tries to rub shoulders with Macavity but is hampered by his greater height) No, Lilah doesn't work that way.

Skimbleshanks: So who is going to be the Phantom?

Delilah: (entering) You'll find out! I've just finished fine-tuning the cast list and here it is:

Narrator Exotica

Phantom of the Opera Munkustrap

Christine Daae Victoria

Vicount Raoul de Chagny Mungojerrie

Countess Phyllida de Chagny Rumpleteazer

Firmin Richard Asparagus

Armand Moncharmin Alonzo

Carlotta Guidicelli Bombalurina

Madame Giry Jennyanydots

Ubaldo Piangi Rum Tum Tugger

Monsieur Reyer Mistoffelees

Meg Giry Etcetera

Joseph Buquet Skimbleshanks

Monsieur Debienne Coricopat

Madame Poligny Tantomile

The Persian Cassandra

Auctioneer Macavity

Fire Chief Great Rumpus Cat

Chorus: Anyone who doesn't have anything else to do at the time

(quiet as Cats read cast list)

Exotica: At least I've got a fairly non-threatening part.

Cassandra: When you actually get a part . . .

Exotica: Oh, the irony . Do I want to be noticed for once and take part in a screwball spoof, or spend my days in obscurity and suing ALW for not giving me enough screen time?

Demeter: I don't know. Do you?

Exotica: I haven't decided yet…

Munkustrap: I'm the Phantom?

Delilah: (gleefully) That's right.

Munkustrap: Why am I the Phantom?

Delilah: Because it'll be good for you to be the bad guy for once. Builds character.

Macavity: Heh heh heh. The shoe's on the the other paw now, brother mine . . .

Victoria: So why am I Christine? I'm not that great a singer.

Delilah: Oh, that's easy to answer. I feel that you and Mademoiselle Daae have a lot in common. For one thing you're both beautiful, virtuous, and extremely talented...

Victoria: (preening) Oh!

Delilah: (quietly)...and not a little ditzy.

(several Cats snort and snicker)

Victoria: What was that?

Delilah: Nothing. (quickly) So, are we ready to start?

Macavity: (scanning cast list) Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the auctioneer?

Delilah: Yeah, so?

Macavity: That's a bit part!

Alonzo: You're complaining?

Macavity: (thoughtful) But on the up side, I'm not playing the villain. I get to watch my goody-two-shoes brother do that instead.

Munkustrap: Don't rub it in.

Sonia: We'll do so at any given opportunity . . .

Samson: (checking clock) Shouldn't we get started?

Delilah: Yes, we should. Everybody find your costume and get in place for the prologue. Where's Mungojerrie?

Samson: (looks around and shrugs) Dunno. He didn't come with the others.

Delilah: (tense) He's in the opening scene! Where could he be?

Plato: With Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer you can never be sure.

Skimble: Though we can bet that someone'll be a bit poorer for it afterwards . . .

(sound of smashing pottery from front room)

Demeter: Macavity!

Macavity: No, I'm already here. And now I think the devilish duo are as well.

(Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer enter)

Mungojerrie: Sorry we's late, due to circumstances beyond our control...

Jellylorum: A likely story . . .

Rumplteazer: An' sorry abou' tha' big jug wit th' dragon on wot was by th' front window. 'Ope it wa'n't too impor'ant.

Delilah: You broke my vase?

Teazer: No' in so many words. We more sor'a brushed it as we come in an' it fell over and smashed.

Munkustrap: (sympathetic) Was it an heirloom?

Samson: Not exactly. She got it for a severely reduced rate at an emporium because it had a chunk busted out of the lip.

Sonia: Deep breaths, Lilah.

Delilah: (breathing deeply) I will remain calm.

Samson: We can patch it back up, don't worry.

Electra: Mistoffelees'll fix it for you. Won't you, Mistoff?

Mistoff: I'll see what I can do.

Mungo: So, wha' did we miss?

Tugger: Nothing yet. We were just about to start.

Samson: And you're in the opening scene so hurry up and get into costume before the boss blows a blood vessel.

Mungo: 'Oo am I s'posed t' be?

(Samson shoves cast list under his nose and points)

Mungo: Rah-ool?! Yah, pull th' other one, mate. It's got bells on.

Rheow: Hahahahaha . . . Pterry! Pterry! (notices several Cats looking at her strangely) What?

Delilah: Oh, there you are. I was wondering when you'd get here.

Rheow: I came in behind the terrible twins.

Mungo: 'Oo's idea was it to cast me as a flippin' toff, anyway?

Bomb: Hmm, an cockney Raoul; this could turn out to be interesting after all.

Delilah: Just get into costume and don't argue. Everyone else ready? Good. Okay, Exotica, hit it.

Exotica: (startled) Huh? Oh yeah. Uh (reads from note cards), the scene opens in 1905 on the opera house stage where an auction is being held. An older Mungojerrie is in attendance.

Mungo: Older? 'Ow much older?

Exotica: It says here you're seventy.

Sonia: (applies baby powder liberally to Mungo's red fur) In human years.

Teazer: Blimey, he ain't a day over thir'y . In cat years tha' is . . .

Mungo: (mumbles incoherently)

Tumblebrutus: (holding up poster) Showing here. (aside) And is it ever ugly!

Macavity: Do I have ten francs?

Rheow: Nien, I've got four quid--how do you convert pounds to francs?

Sonia: Beats me--it's not as if you even see any francs appearing on stage . . .

Mungo: Ten for tha'? Ha! I woun'n't even give ya five.

Macavity: (like all good auctioneers, takes this and runs with it) Five, then, five I am bid. (continue as Cats play at bidding) six, seven...against you, sir, seven. Eight, eight once, selling twice. Sold to Mungojerrie, Vicount de Chagny.

Mungo: Wait, wait, did I just buy that sorry thing?

Delilah: Yes, now shut up and keep going.

Macavity: Lot 664, a wooden pistol and three human skulls used in Robert le Diable by Meyerbeer.

Coricopat: The opera house must be really hard up if they're auctioning off old set pieces. What would you say they're worth, Tant?

Tantomile: I'd give him eight francs, no more.

Macavity: Eight francs, eight I am bid...

Rumpleteazer: Oh, they ain't worth even tha'. I'll say six.

Macavity: (startled) What?

Mungo: I bid five!

Macavity: (annoyed) Just a minute...

Coricopat: No, three seems more suitable.

Sillabub: Unless it was the Energizer bunny's predecessor. They just keep going and going and going . . .

Samson: Someone please stifle her.

Samson: We're on a tight budget.

Macavity: May I start at twenty francs?

Mungo: If you wan', but I woun'n't buy it.

Macavity: Actually, wise guy, you do buy it for thirty francs.

Mungo: Am I a sucker or wha'?

Teazer: You got some lines, Jerrie.

Teazer: Can't say much for your taste 'ere, Jerrie.

Rheow: Sentimental value?

Teazer: Even so…

Mungo: And if I really wanted any of this stuff, I woun'n't buy it at an auction, I'd just nick it the night before.

Teazer: Damn straight!

Macavity: Lot 666 then.

Sonia: Eek! It's the sign of the beast!

Munkustrap: The what?

Sonia: The sign of the beast, 666, from the book of Revelation.

Samson: I find it hard to believe you've even read that.

Sonia: (hisses at Samson)

Delilah: She's right, though, and I doubt it's a coincidence.

Rheow: Which is stereotyping and making the poor, innocent chandelier look menacing . . .

Macavity: ...a chandelier in pieces.

Mungo: Do I 'ave to buy tha' as well?

Macavity: I don't think anyone buys it.

Delilah: Hmm, this is running a little long. Time to start condensing. Ex, take it.

Exotica: Okay. So the chandelier is lit and raised up to the ceiling.

Tugger: Nice special effects, Mistoff.

Mistoffelees: (grinning) It's a gift.

Exotica: And that brings us to the first scene, which takes place about fifty years before. We're still on the stage at the opera house where they are rehearsing the new production of Hannibal by Chalumeau.

Mistoffelees: Is Hannibal even a real opera?

Delilah: Well, I've never heard of it, but I never did know too much about opera.

Samson: Your mum says Handel wrote a Hannibal, but she doesn't know about Chalumeau…

Delilah: It's actually supposed to be a severed head, but I thought that was too grisly an image for a kitten-friendly story.

Jellylorum: You're trying to make Phantom of the Opera kitten-friendly?

Asparagus: Ha! Good luck.

Delilah: Y'all have such faith in me.

Exotica: So anyway, they're rehearsing Hannibal, and Mistoffelees, the chorus master or something like that, is acting a bit of a taskmaster.

Mistoff: I am? Really?

Exotica: And while that's going on, the stage hands are building the sets and Monsieur Coricopat and Madame Tantomile (the old managers) enter with Messieurs Asparagus and Alonzo (the new ones).

Alonzo: Why do we have two old managers? There was only one in the musical.

Delilah: There were two in the book.

Alonzo: Ah...

Coricopat: This way, messieurs, this way.

Tantomile: Rehearsals, as you see, are underway for a new production of Hannibal. (trying to cut into the rehearsal) Ladies and gentlecats, some of you may already, perhaps, have met MM Alonzo and Asparagus...

Teazer: Blinkin' prima donnas . . .

Tant: My apologies, M Mistoffelees. Proceed, proceed...

Mistoff: A tyrant? Me?

Macavity: Didn't know you had it in you, Mistoff.

Delilah: Just don't let your head get too big. Continue.

Exotica: The managers old and new continue to watch the rehearsal from center stage where they are, not surprisingly, rather in the way of the ballerinas.

Electra: La Bombalurina, isn't that a song?

Pouncival: No, that's La Bamba. But close enough.

Jennyanydots: (exasperated) Madame, messieurs, would you please get out of the way?

Tant: Our apologies, Mame Jenny.

Delilah: (quietly) Though in the book she was only the box keeper.

Cori: I don't mind confessing, M Asparagus, we won't be sorry to be rid of the whole wretched business.

Gus: I keep asking you, monsieur and madame, why exactly are you retiring?

Admetus: Because their singers are second-rate?

Plato: Could be...

Exotica: And so on. At the end of an extravagant chorus the old managers once again cut into the rehearsal to make their announcement.

Cori: Attention, everyone. You've probably heard rumours that Tantomile and I are retiring. They are all true, except that one about the bath tub filled with Devonshire cream, and here are your new managers, Messieurs Asparagus and Alonzo.

Tant: Messieurs, Signora Bombalurina, our leading soprano for five seasons now.

Alonzo: Oh, yes. We've heard all your greatest hits, signora.

Tant: And Signor Tugger.

Gus: An honour, signor.

Alonzo: There's a nice aria in Act III of Hannibal, signora, if you wouldn't mind humouring us.

Bomb: Sure. Why not?

Alonzo: Unless, of course, M Mistoffelees objects...

Mistoff: My diva commands.

Tugger: Ugh! How nauseating.

Exotica: Bombalurina starts singing Think of Me, but before she even gets to the end of the first verse, part of the set comes crashing down very close to her.

Rheow: Notice how this will happen at anytime and anywhere in the Opera House even when things fall apart after years of neglect and shoddy maintenance? Dr Mau says it's due to the fact that people prefer to blame something that can't be helped (like a ghost) more than themselves. . .

Tugger: You idiots! (to Bomb) Darling, sweetie, are you hurt?

Rheow: Ma cherie, bella donna . . . Pookie!

Jemima: I think she's been listening to RENT too much . . .

Tant: Signora, are you all right?

Tant: Get that cat down here! ( to Alonzo and Gus) Chief of the flies. He's responsible for this.

Cori: Skimble, for the Everlasting Cat's sake, what's going on up there?

Gus: Name of the game in the theatre.

Etcetera: (looking up) He's there, the Phantom of the opera...

Gus: Enough already!

Alonzo: (to the infuriated diva) Heh heh, these things do happen.

Bomb: Uh huh, and until they stop happening, I'm outta here! Tugger!

Macavity: (dryly) What a scathing insult.

Tugger: Hey, since when am I Bomb's door mat?

Bomb: I don't know, but it makes a nice switch.

Sonia: While you're at it, he's furry enough to make a shag rug as well . . .

Tant: (quickly) Well, we have a train to catch, so...

Alonzo: Not so fast! What's all this ghost business?

Cori: Oh, er, the ghost, hmm...

Tant: Just a silly superstition, nothing to worry about.

Gus: Oh really? Well, I read the lease in full and noticed that this "silly superstition" demands a monthly salary of twenty thousand francs and the unlimited use of box five.

Alonzo: That could get expensive.

Cori: It is expensive. Why do you think we're leaving?

Tant: But you'd better honour the opera ghost's requests or something just awful will happen. It never fails to.

Cori: So that's it and we're gone. Good luck!

Tant: You'll need it.

Rheow: Bon Voyage! Don't call us, we'll call you! And don't mind if dead bodies start dropping from the rafters . . .

Exotica: The old managers leave and the new ones are faced with filling Bombalurina's role at short notice. Etcetera suggests Victoria at which they balk, but Mame Jenny urges them to at least hear her and she knocks their socks off with her Think of Me. Somewhere in the middle of the song the scene suddenly changes to a gala performance where Countess Rumpleteazer is in attendance with her younger brother, Vicount Mungojerrie.

Mungo: Younger? I though' I was older.

Delilah: Not in this fic.

Mungo: Can i' be? Can i' be Victoria? Bravo! Wha' a change! Yore really no' a bit the gawkish gel tha' once you was...

Victoria: (annoyed) Gee, thanks, Mungo!

Delilah: (quietly) Sam, I think I am beginning to regret casting a couple of cockneys as a countess and vicount.

Samson: (quietly) Well, you've no one to blame but yourself.

Delilah: Go for it!

Victoria: (clears her throat and takes a deep breath)...of (does a simple but soaring cadenza) me!

Munkustrap: (impressed) Not bad.

Rheow: Wot in the wonky world's a cadenza?

Delilah: Sorry. For those readers who aren't musically inclined, a cadenza is a spot in the score that the composer has left blank for the soloist, vocal or instrumental, to improvise and basically show off.

Mistoffelees: Like they need any more opportunities to do so.

Delilah: That's enough to start with. We'll have our first break now.

(Cats cheer)

Delilah: Sonia and Samson will be serving snacks out in the bar, but go easy on the catnip. We've still got a lot of play ahead of us.