Sonia: (as the Cats come back in) So, Mac, did you like the tea I made? Macavity: (smiles) With all the catnip in it? It was pretty good. Sonia: (grins) I'm so glad you liked it! (pauses, then presses close) So when we have our entre'acte nap, do you already have a nap partner in mind? Macavity: (looks at her sharply) I usually nap alone. Sonia: (disappointed) Oh. (puts on her best pout) Do you think you might make an exception this time? Macavity: (favours her with a half-smile) We'll see. Sonia: (anxiously) Just don't tell Sam or Lilah we had this conversation, okay? Macavity: Don't worry. Delilah: (entering) Okay, places, everyone. Let's finish up this act.
Exotica: We're in the managers' office some days after the fateful gala performance. Asparagus is shuffling through the mail and reading an article in the newspaper.
Gus: "Mystery after gala night,"
It says, "Mystery of sopranos' flight.
'Mystified,' baffled surete say,
'We are mystified. We suspect foul play!' "
(drops paper) Bad news on soprano scene,
First Bombalurina, now Victoria
.(aside) So much for that rhyme.
Still, at least the seats get sold;
Gossip's worth its weight in gold.
Jemima: But how much does gossip weigh?
Skimble: A good question.
Gus: What a way to run a business!
Spare me these unending trials.
Half your cast disappears, but the crowd still cheers!
Opera!
To hell with Gluck and Handel,
It's a scandal that'll pack 'em in the aisles.
So my character is only interested in putting bums on seats. Typical.
Rheow: Money, money, money--it's not funny, not even in the spoofed musicals world . . . (Yes, you will be justified if you lobbed a boot at me at this point.)
Munkustrap: Consider it lobbed.
Sonia: You should be able to figure out that Abba wouldn't be familiar to this author.
Delilah: Abba? What's that?
Alonzo: (bursts in, furious) Damnable! Will they all walk out?
This is damnable!
Gus: Alonzo, please don't shout;
You're not helping my migraine at all.
It's publicity and the take is vast!
Free publicity...
Alonzo: But we have no cast!
Gus: A point. (sorts through the mail) But, Alonzo, have you seen the queue? (finds two letters from the Phantom)
Oh, it seems you've got one, too. (hands one to Alonzo)
Alonzo: (reads note) "Dear Alonzo, What a charming gala!
Victoria enjoyed a great success.
We were hardly bereft when Bombalurina left.
Otherwise, the chorus was entrancing,
But the dancing was a lamentable mess!"
Hmm, Mame Jenny said that, too.
Gus: (reads note) "Dear Asparagus, Just a brief reminder:
My salary has not been paid.
Send it care of the ghost by return of post.
PTO: No one likes a debtor,
So it's better if my orders are obeyed."
Both: Who would have the gall to send this?
Someone with a puerile brain.
Alonzo: I suspect Tugger.
Tugger: Hey!
Gus: These are both signed O.G.
Alonzo: Who the hell is he?
Both: Opera Ghost!
Tugger: What does puerile mean anyway?
Jellylorum: I believe it means childishly stupid.
Tugger: Hey!!
Gus: It's really not amusing.
Macavity: Depends on your point of view. I think it's hilarious.
Alonzo: He's abusing our position.
Gus: In addition he wants money!
Alonzo: He's a funny sort of spectre...
Both: To expect a large retainer,
Nothing plainer, he is clearly quite insane!
Rheow: Wait a moment, he wants money for nothing and you say he's insane? Immoral and lazy yes, but insane?
Exotica: I think what they're saying is, "he's crazy if he expects us to give in to these demands."
Macavity: And it's not nothing, exactly. They give him money and he refrains from making trouble.
Demeter: That's blackmail!
Macavity: Yes, indeed! Give the kitty a treat, she got the right answer!
Delilah: Are you quite done?
Macavity: I suppose.
Mungo: (bursts in with a Phantom note) Where is she?
Alonzo: You mean Bombalurina?
Mungo: I mean Victoria! Where is she?
Gus: Well, how should we know!
Alonzo: Yeah!
Mungo: I wan' an answer! I take i' tha' you sent me this note.
Gus: What note? What the hell are you talking about?
Jenny: Y'know, I could have sworn I heard someone say she was going to try to make this spoof kitten-friendly.
Sonia: So the kittens hear a few mild expletives...
Samson: They probably hear worse in school.
Jelly: That's no reason to make them think it's acceptable behaviour. We have to set an example...
Delilah: Oh, very well. From now on all expletives will be euphemized.
Plato: Is that even a word?
Samson: It is now.
Mungo: She's not wit' you, then?
Gus: Of course not!
Alonzo: We're in the dark.
Mistoff: Best place for a cat.
Mungo: Mon-sewer, don' argue. Isn't this th' let'er you wro'e?
(Delilah drops her head into her hands and groans)
Samson: You gonna be okay, Del?
Delilah: (muffled) Don't call me that! And yes, I'll be fine.
Rheow: That's what you get for casting a Cockney cat as a French gent--but the novelty value is there at least . . .
Gus: And what is it that we're meant to have wrote? I mean written. Whatever. Who cares?
Alonzo: (takes and reads note) "Do not fear for Victoria;
The Angel of Music has her under his wing.
Make no attempt to ever see her again."
Mungo: If you didn' wri'e it, 'oo did?
Bomb: (bursts in, also with a Phantom note) Where is he?
Alonzo: Ah, welcome back!
Bomb: Your precious patron, where is he?
Admetus: Is she blind or something? Can't she see he's right there?
Teazer: 'Oo?
Admetus: Mungo.
Teazer: Oh.
Mungo: Wha' is i' now?
Bomb: I have your letter, a letter which I rather resent!
Gus: And did you send it?
Mungo: Of course, no'!
Alonzo: As if he would.
Bomb: You didn't send it?
Mungo: Tha's wha' I jus' sed!
Gus: I'm confused...
Chorus: So are we!
Bomb: You dare to tell me that this is not the letter you sent?
Mungo: An' wha' is it tha' I'm meant to 'ave sent? (takes note and reads) "Yore days at th' Paris Opera are numbered. Victoria Dy-ay will be singin' on yore be'alf tonigh'. Be prepared for a great misfortoon should you at'empt to take 'er place."
Alonzo and Gus: Far too many notes for my taste,
And most of them about Victoria.
All we've heard since we came
Is this white cat's name...
Jenny: (appearing suddenly with Etc, dramatically) The white cat has returned.
Gus: (dryly) I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned.
Alonzo: Where precisely is she now?
Jenny: She is precisely at home.
Mungo: I'll go see 'er!
Jenny: No, monsieur, she will see no one.
Bomb: Will she sing? Will she sing?
Jenny: Here I have a note...
Mungo, Alonzo, and Bomb: Let me see it!
Gus: (snatching it) Please! (reads note, and as he does, Munkustrap's voice gradually takes over) "Gentlecats, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature..."
Alonzo: Ha!
Gus/Munk: "...detailing how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions."
Alonzo: That's because they're outrageous!
Munk's voice: "I shall give you one last chance."
Etc: Ooh, sounds ominous!
Munkustrap: "Victoria Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of 'Il Muto'..."
Mistoff: Another imaginary opera?
Delilah: Possibly...
Munkustrap: "...you will therefore cast Bombalurina as the page boy, and put Victoria in the role of Countess. The role which Victoria plays calls for charm and appeal."
Bomb: Is he saying that I'm not charming and appealing?
Munkustrap: "The role of the page boy is silent..."
Pouncival: Then why can't a boy play it?
Munkustrap: "...which makes my casting in a word, ideal!"
Bomb: (infuriated) What?!
Rheow: Of course, you were being insulted left, right and centre for the last five minutes . . .
Exotica: It's later pointed out that Bombalurina's character isn't exactly the brightest light on the stage.
Victoria: Most of us had already figured that out on our own.
Munkustrap: "I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in box five, which will be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur."
Gus: (as Munkustrap's voice fades out) "I remain, gentlecats, your obedient servant, O.G."
Rheow: That's weird, ain't it? Threatening everyone and then calling yourself "obedient servant" .
Delilah: Even in the book where the Phantom's notes were more laconic, he still tried to maintain a gentlemanly politeness. It was part of his feeble attempt to fit in with society.
Exotica: Well, to make a long story short, Bombalurina is incensed by these demands, and is certain that Mungojerrie is behind them, though he denies it. Everybody starts talking at once, Bombalurina waxing melodramatic over the assumption that she has been reviled, rebuked, and replaced, the managers trying to placate her, Mungojerrie wondering what's up with Victoria, and Mame Jenny and Etcetera inserting little obscure phrases about the Phantom here and there. It climaxes in a big number called Prima Donna which basically has the managers sucking up to their star soprano with Mungojerrie, Mame Jenny, and Etcetera meandering along on their own lines of thought. Let's skip to the end, shall we?
Tugger: Sounds good to me.
Alonzo, Gus, Bomb, Mungo, Jenny, and Etc: Light up the stage with that age-old rapport.
Sing, prima donna, once more!
Munkustrap: So it is to be war between us! If these demands are not met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur!
Alonzo, Gus, Bomb, Mungo, Jenny, and Etc: Once more!
Exotica: The next scene finds us at a performance of the aforementioned Il Muto where Mungojerrie has chosen to sit in box five as all other seats are sold out.
Pouncival: And when the Phantom finds him there, he'll be right ticked!
Delilah: Now if there's anything more boring than Music of the Night as plain text, it's this stupid opera. Exotica, please condense.
Exotica: My pleasure. It's basically a story of infidelity...
Cass: Most operas are.
Exotica: The Countess is in love with a cute pageboy and takes advantage of her husband's state trip to have a fling with him, the pageboy, that is. Only the Count hasn't actually gone and is watching the goings-on from behind a drapery.
Rheow: A voyeur! A voyeur!
Alonzo: (dryly) You do know how to spot them, don't you?
Rheow: (evil grin) It's my job…
Plato: You didn't tell them the really kinky part about the pageboy disguising himself as the Countess' maid until the Count leaves.
Admetus: Or even kinkier, the fact that the pageboy is played by Victoria.
Macavity: Hmm, a female pretending to be a male pretending to be a female. It has a familiar ring to it.
Rheow: Hmm, let's see . . . Victor/Victoria (snickers), Mrs Doubtfire, a large number of comedies dealing with drag queens . . .
Delilah: No pun intended, by the way. Continue, please.
Bomb as Countess: Serafimo, away with this pretense.
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my husband's absence.
Bomb and Vic: (shriek) I'm not kissing her!!!
Delilah: All right, calm down. You don't have to, just keep going.
Bomb as Countess: Poor fool, he makes me laugh, ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Time I tried to get a better better half.
Gus: (sarcastic) Oh, that's a real thigh slapper is that joke.
Countess and chorus: Poor fool, he doesn't know, ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Jemima: Isn't it a little early for Santa Claus?
Countess and chorus: Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
If he knew the truth he'd never ever go!
Munk's voice: (and yes, he is right ticked) Did I not instruct that box five was to be kept empty?
Etc: (terrified) He's here, the Phantom of the Opera!
Victoria: (looking around nervously) It's him, I know it, it's him!
Bomb: You're the mute so you're not supposed to talk, so shut up, you little toad!
Munkustrap: A toad, signora? Perhaps you are the toad.
Bomb: (trying to pick up where they left off) Serafimo, away with this pretense.
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my--gronk!
Tugger: Kiss you in your what?
Victoria: I don't want to kiss her anywhere, certainly not there!
Tumble: What? There? Which there?
Bomb: (annoyed) It was supposed to be a toad's croak, you perverts!
Sonia: (sniggering) The librettist was just asking for that one.
Bomb: (pulls herself together and tries to continue even though she can hear Munkustrap's laughter)
Poor fool, he makes me laugh, ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha--(begins croaking again and cannot stop)
Munkustrap: (laughing maniacally) Behold! She is singing to bring down the chandelier!
Rheow: That's extremely unsubtle dramatic irony--because we in the audience already know about the business with the chandelier, which was an accident just waiting to happen no doubt . . .
Delilah: True, but the line is actually from the book, though it was whispered so that only the mangers, sitting in box five, could hear it.
Exotica: Bombalurina rushes off in tears, Tugger attempting to console her. The managers agree that Victoria will have to understudy the Countess, and while she gets ready, they show the ballet from Act III of the opera.
Gus: All good operas have to have a ballet in them.
Demeter: I didn't know they had a dancers' union back then.
Samson: Hey, ballerinas! You're on!
Etc, Jem, Electra, and Sillabub: But we're not ready yet!
Sillabub: We didn't know we'd be dancing so soon.
Macavity: A lament echoed by the dancers in the story, I'm sure.
Delilah: You're going to be out there five minutes tops before the Phantom comes along. Now scoot!
Exotica: So the ballerinas, dressed in silly little gauzy nymph outfits, come out and dance a silly little gauzy nymph dance...
Electra: We can do without the commentary, thank you.
Munkustrap: I like the ballet bits--closest thing to Cats dancing in this melodramatic show anyway . . .
Exotica: ...while behind them, ominous shadows appear on the backdrop.
Tumble: What's so ominous about a butterfly? Hey, Munk, can you do the killer rabbit from Quest for the Holy Grail?
Rheow: Unless it was the Quantum Weather Butterfly--when it flaps it's wings, storms happen . . . (looks around at staring cast) What?
Munkustrap: The butterfly is hard enough. I don't think I can do a rabbit with these paws, killer or otherwise.
Delilah: Munkustrap, quit goofing off and start looking ominous!
Munkustrap: (sighs) If I must.
Exotica: Anyway, the backdrop suddenly flies up and on the other end of the rope, not a sandbag, but Skimbleshanks, who is at the end of his rope.
All: Eeeeewwww! Bad one!
Etc: (eardrum-splitting scream) Uncle Skimble!
Skimble: Easy there, Etcy. That noise is enough to wake up the dead, it is.
Plato: It seems to have worked for him, anyway.
Exotica: So pandemonium ensues. Victoria and Mungojerrie find each other and make for the roof, somehow thinking it's a safe place.
Macavity: Depends on who you want to be safe from.
Exotica: While the managers try to assure the audience that the stagehand's death was an accident.
All: Ha!
Exotica: Our two lovers make it out onto the roof and begin talking at once, Victoria fearing the Phantom, and Mungojerrie telling her there's no such thing. We'll skip to a less confusing part.
All: Thank you!
Mungo: There is no Phantom of th' Opera!
Victoria: Mungo, I've been there, to his world of un-ending night,
To a world where the daylight dissolves into darkness, darkness...
Teazer: Wha's so bad abou' tha'?
Etc: Cats like darkness.
Victoria: Mungo, I've seen him! Can I ever forget that sight?
Can I ever escape from that face? So distorted, deformed, it was hardly a face!
Munkustrap: (sarcastic) Oh, thank you!
Victoria: In that darkness...darkness...
Munkustrap: (morose) This spoof is doing nothing for my self esteem.
Macavity: Well, some of us think it could stand to be taken down a notch or two.
Munkustrap: (heatedly) Look, when I want your opinion...
Demeter: There, there, dearheart. Some of us love you no matter what others might say.
(Munkustrap seeths nonetheless)
Rheow: Don't forget the moral of the story--that appearances don't really matter . . . Er, oops, wrong moral--well, it might have been a good moral anyway . . .
Sonia: You're close. I think it should actually be something like, never judge by appearances alone; they can be highly deceiving.
Victoria: (trancelike) But his voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound.
Munkustrap: Ah, that's better.
Cass: Yes, we all know Munkus has a dreamy voice.
Macavity: (quietly) Oh dear, his head is beginning to swell again.
Victoria: In that night there was music in my mind.
And through music my soul began to soar!
And I heard, as I've never heard before...
Mungo: What you 'eard was a dream and nothing more.
Victoria: Yet in his eyes, all the sadness of the world.
Those pleading eyes that both threaten and adore.
Dem, Cass, Ex, and Bomb: (dreamily) They are beautiful eyes...
Mungo: Victoria, Victoria...
Munk's voice: (echoing) Victoria...
Victoria: (tense) What was that?
Electra: An echo--duh.
Exotica: The lovers' eyes meet and the mood changes. Next is the famed duet All I Ask of You, but beautiful and moving as it may be to some people, we Cats find it rather boring.
Sonia: That's mainly because Raoul and Christine were an insipid duo to begin with .
Macavity: Too true…
Exotica: We'll skip to the good part.
Victoria: Say you love me...
Mungo: You know I do.
Both: Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Victoria: It says "they kiss". Do we really have to?
Mungo: Come on, Vicky, this is th' part I been wai'in for!
Victoria: (reluctant) Oh, all right...
Exotica: And they kiss, a discreet little closed mouth kiss that keeps the fic rating nicely at PG.
Vic and Mungo: Anywhere you go, let me go, too!
Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Exotica: The lovers resurface and hurry back down into the opera house because as always, the show, in this case Il Muto, must go on. And what of Munkustrap? You knew he had to be eavesdropping. He emerges from his hiding place looking as if the world has ended.
Munkustrap: (dejectedly) I gave you my music,
Made your song take wing.
And now, how you've repaid me:
Denied me and betrayed me!
He was bound to love you when he heard you sing...
(tearfully) Victoria...Victoria...
(aside) I don't know. Somehow that just doesn't have quite the same ring as "Christine! Christine!"
Victoria: (sarcastic) Well, I'm so sorry...
Delilah: Shut it, both of you.
Mungo and Vic: (offstage) Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning...
Munkustrap: (vengeful) You will curse the day you did not do
All that the Phantom asked of you!
Delilah: Sum it up, Ex.
Exotica: Okay, so as the Phantom laughs his evil, maniacal laugh...
Munkustrap: Mac is so much better at that than me. Why isn't he in this role?
Delilah: (warningly) Munkustrap...
Exotica: ...we're back in the theatre where the cast of Il Muto are taking their bows. Munkustrap is watching from above the chandelier, and at his word...
Munkustrap: Go!!
Exotica: ...it falls to the stage right at Victoria's feet.
Victoria: Yiii! Sure didn't miss me by much.
Etc: I think that was his point.
Samson: End of Act I!
Sonia: Entre'acte!
All: Nap time!
(all hurry out leaving Delilah alone)
Delilah: (shaking head) Cats. Sheesh!
"The Phantom of the Opera" is a work by Andrew Lloyd Webber and belongs to him and The Really Useful Company. This parody is just some harmless fun and no copywrite infringement is intended.
This fic is © Delilah
