The Cats gradually trickle back into the stage room, licking bits of hors d'oeuvres from their whiskers.
Tugger: That was a pretty impressive spread, actually.
Jemima: Did you have any of the catnip dip, Victoria?
Victoria: Yes, it was delicious!
Mistoffelees: I think there was catnip in the cheesecake, too.
Delilah: Sonia made it so I wouldn't be surprised.
Samson: (quietly) I noticed she was pushing a lot of it on Macavity.
Delilah: (quietly) Yeah. Keep an eye on her for me, will ya, Sam? (aloud) So shall we continue?
Mungo: Do we 'ave to?
Munkustrap: The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be finished.
Exotica: So when we left off, Victoria had just given a killer performance and Mungojerrie's childhood love was reignited. Victoria is congratulated by the chorus.
Chorus: Congratulations!
Victoria: Er, thanks.
Jenny: Yes, you did well. He will be pleased. (to dancers) And you! You were a disgrace tonight! Such ronds de jambe, such temps de cuisse...
Tugger: Paws up whoever actually knows what those terms mean.
Rheow: It's all Greek to me--actually French . . .
Jenny: Here, we rehearse. Now!
Exotica: The ballerinas begin an impromtu rehearsal upstage, Mame Jenny keeping time with her cane.
Admetus: Is this how you do with the mice and beetles, Aunt Jenny?
Exotica: Victoria moves away toward her dressing room, and as she does she hears a voice...
Munkustrap: Bravi, bravi, bravissimi...
is that right?Delilah: Actually, it should be brava and bravissima, unless the Phantom is applauding to the whole cast, which I doubt as he seems to have a very one-track mind.
Munkustrap: (sarcastic) Oh, thank you.
Samson: (quietly) We warned you she's a nitpicker.
Etc: (approaching Victoria suddenly from behind) Where in the world have you been hiding?
Really you were perfect!
Sonia: And if she hears that anymore her head just might pop.
Etc: I only wish I knew your secret.
Who is this new tutor?
Tugger: Munk, a voice tutor? Yeah, right.
Cass: Munk has a lovely voice. It's not so hard to believe.
Victoria: Father once spoke of an angel...
I used to dream he'd appear.
Now as I sing I can sense him,
And I know he's here.
Alonzo: (quietly) If she's hearing voices then she's getting as bad as some of these crazy authors.
Rheow: Hey, I resemble that remark!
Delilah: So you do, dear. And I guess I do, too…
Victoria: Here in this room he calls me softly,
Somewhere inside hiding.
Somehow I know he's always with me,
He the unseen genius.
Macavity: Er, do we have Dr Mau on speed dial?
Sonia: You probably should.
Etc: Victoria, you must have been dreaming...
Mistoff: That's putting it kindly!
Etc: Stories like this can't come true.
Victoria, you're talking in riddles
And it's definitely not like you.
Victoria: Angel of Music, guide and guardian,
Grant to me your glory.
(aside) Who am I talking about here? Munkustrap?!
Angel of Music, hide no longer,
Secret and strange angel!
Jemima: I think your character might be a little psychotic, Victoria.
Victoria: Yeah, I was starting to figure that out myself.
He's with me even now...
Etc: Your paws are cold...
Victoria: All around me...
Etc: Your face, Victoria, it's white.
Well, it always is.
Victoria: It frightens me.
Etc: Me, too!
Jenny: (approaching suddenly, causing both the young females to jump) Etcetera, are you a dancer? Then come and practice.
Etc: (meekly) Yes, Mommy.
Jenny: (hands Victoria a note) My dear, I was asked to give you this.
Victoria: (reading note) A red scarf...the attic...little Lotte...
Exotica: Meanwhile, Mungojerrie is being escorted to Victoria's dressing room by Alonzo and Asparagus. When they get to the door he shoos them away and they leave with knowing smiles. Mungojerrie knocks and enters without waiting for an answer.
Mungo: Cheeky git, ain't I?
Victoria Daae, where is yore scarf?Victoria: What scarf? Who are you, anyway?
Mungo: You can' 'ave lorst i'. I was jus' fourteen an' soaked t' th' skin...
Victoria: Oh, it's you, is it? I never asked you to fetch my scarf from the sea, y'know. I didn't even really like it that much.
Mungo: Lit'le Lot'e le' her mind wander.
Victoria: You remember that, too?
Mungo: Lit'le Lot'e though', Am I fonder of dolls...(Victoria joins in) or of goblins, of shoes...
Victoria: ...or of riddles, of frocks...
Mungo: Or of chawklits...
Delilah: My vote is with the chocolates.
Victoria: No, what I love best, Lotte said,
Is when I'm asleep in my bed,
And the Angel of Music sings songs in my head.
Munkustrap: What strange dreams this kitten has.
Victoria: Father said, "When I'm in heaven, my kitten, I will send the Angel of Music to you." Well, father is dead, Mungojerrie...
Bomb: Doesn't seem too shook up about it, does she?
Victoria: ...and I have been visited by the Angel of Music.
Skimble: Ah, that must be why. "Thank goodness the old cat is finally gone. Now I'll get to hear from that Angel..."
Mungo: No doub' abou' it. An' now we'll go to supper.
Victoria: No, Mungojerrie, the Angel of Music is very strict.
Mungo: I won' keep you ou' too late.
Victoria: No, Mungo...
Mungo: You mus' change. I mus' get me 'at. Two minutes, lit'le Lot'e.
Victoria: Arrogant, isn't he?
Demeter: Some toms just don't know how to take no for an answer.
Victoria: And he assumes that I'm even interested in him after all these years...
Munkustrap: (from behind mirror) Insolent tom, this slave of fashion
(aside) Mungojerrie, a slave of fashion? Ha!
Basking in your glory!
Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor
Sharing in my triumph!
Macavity: Well, someone certainly is full of himself.
Rheow: He's also a stalker. Dr. Mau would have much to say to him . . .
Sonia: Poor Victoria, being pursued by one obsessive stalker and one possessive, jealous old boyfriend.
Victoria: Do I have to say this next bit? I'd rather slit my wrists!
Delilah: Go on. It's just pretend, remember?
Victoria: (distastefully) Angel, I hear you! Speak, I listen.
Stay by my side, guide me.
Angel, my soul was weak. Forgive me.
Enter at last, master!
Sonia: Kinky! (starts singing) Let's play a game--of Master and Servant . . .
(most of the younger males and some young females laugh; Victoria hisses at them)
Munkustrap: Flattering child, you shall know me,
See why in shadow I hide.
Look at your face in the mirror,
I am there inside.
Though I'm not sure how that would work. Must be one of Mistoffelees' tricks. Why isn't he in this role?
Delilah: We've already been over that...
Victoria: Angel of Music, guide and guardian,
Grant to me your glory!
Angel of Music, hide no longer,
Come to me, strange Angel!
Munkustrap: I am your Angel,
Come to me Angel of Music...
Exotica: Victoria moves toward the mirror where a masked Munkustrap is now visible, singing and beckoning to her. Mungojerrie returns and hears the singing. Munkustrap reaches out, grabs Victoria, and pulls her into the mirror with him...
Delilah: Or so it appears. It was actually a revolving door trick.
Exotica: Mungojerrie bursts in just then and finds the room empty.
Mungo: Victoria! Angel!
Exotica: We next see Victoria and the Phantom in a boat on the subterranean lake beneath the opera house.
Victoria: In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came,
That voice which calls to me and speaks my name.
And do I dream again? For now I find
The Phantom of the Opera is there inside my mind.
Oh, great! Now my character is schizophrenic.
Munkustrap: Sing once again with me our strange duet.
(aside) Very strange.
My power over you grows stronger yet.
Victoria: You wish.
Munkustrap: (grabs her roughly) And though you turn from me to glance behind,
Victoria: Yeah, isn't Mungojerrie going to come and rescue me or something?
Delilah: Not till later.
Victoria: Rats!
Several Cats: (hungrily) Where?!
Munkustrap: The Phantom of the Opera is there inside your mind.
Victoria: Those who have seen your face draw back in fear.
I am the mask you wear (reaches for his mask)
Munkustrap: (catching her paw in his) It's me they hear.
Both: Your/my spirit and your/my voice in one combined;
The Phantom of the Opera is there inside your/my mind.
Chorus: (offstage) He's there, the Phantom of the Opera.
Beware the Phantom of the Opera.
Pouncival: Beware the ides of March!
Admetus: Beware authors bearing silly spoofs.
Delilah: That's enough out of you two.
Munkustrap: In all your fantasies you always knew
That man and mystery...
Victoria: Were definitely not in you.
Delilah: Co-operate, will you?
Victoria: (grumble grumble)
Vic and Munk: And in this labyrinth where night is blind
The Phantom of the Opera is there/here inside your/my mind.
Rheow: Anyone seen Labyrinth? I liked that show . . .
Delilah: If it was on cable I wouldn't have…
Munkustrap: Sing, my Angel of Music.
Sillabub: I'm confused. Who is the Angel of Music? Victoria or Munkustrap?
Delilah: It's supposed to be the Phantom, but as you can see, Andrew Lloyd Webber confused the issue a bit.
Victoria: He's there, the Phantom of the Opera.
Exotica: Victoria begins to sing elaborate scales, getting higher and higher, with Munkustrap urging her on, until she turns red in the face and looks ready to pass out.
Victoria: (quietly) Thank goodness she's not gonna make me actually do that.
Exotica: About now we reach the Phantom's house on the lake. Victoria and Munkustrap disembark and enter the house, coming into a room lined with candelabra and having a pipe organ taking up an entire wall.
Munkustrap: You're kidding. How could anyone possibly play an organ that size?
Delilah: That's how it's described in the book, but who says Gaston Leroux knew anything about organs? He was a journalist.
Rheow: And he was probably thinking about size in a way that would make Freud have a field day . . .
Delilah: No doubt.
Cass: I see what we actually have is a player piano.
Samson: Where do you think we're going to get any kind of pipe organ at short notice?
Munkustrap: (shrugs, sits down at piano, and begins playing) I have brought you to the seat of sweet music's throne,
To this kingdom where all must pay homage to music, music...
Macavity: Hey, Munkus, I didn't know you could play the piano like that.
Munkustrap: (glibly) There's a lot you don't know about your brother, Mac.
You have come here for one purpose and one alone.
Since the moment I first heard you sing,
I have needed you with me to serve me, to sing
For my music, my music...
(takes a deep breath) Night-time sharpens—
Delilah: Stop!
Munkustrap: What? Why? This is my big solo!
Delilah: I know, and you're doing a lovely job, but as text the song is kind of boring so we're going to skip to the end. Ex?
(Munkustrap sputters angrily)
Exotica: The Phantom sings this long, dreamy ballad with some strange ideas, lulling Victoria into kind of a trance. At the end she faints and Munkustrap carries her over to a little sofa.
Munkustrap: You alone can make my song take flight.
Help me make the music of the (takes deep breath) niiigght!
Sonia: (quietly to Macavity) Hey look--an innuendo!
Delilah: (to Munkustrap) All right, no need to make a meal out of it.
Admetus: Well, it has been a little while since our break.
Pouncival: Some of us are hungry again.
Delilah: Chill out. Another break's coming soon.
(tense excitement from younger Cats)
Exotica: The next morning we find Victoria still asleep on the sofa with Munkustrap at the player pia-er-pipe organ playing furiously and occasionally writing something down.
Electra: (paws over her ears) Though how she can sleep through all that racket Munkus is making is anyone's guess.
Victoria: (opening one eye) I'm trying to fake it, but the Everlasting Cat knows it's not easy.
Munkustrap: (bristling) Are you criticizing my playing?
Demeter: (lovingly) Pay no attention, darling. I think your playing is lovely.
Exotica: Not surprisingly, Victoria soon awakens, and as she does, that monkey music box we mentioned earlier, which incidentally is sitting nearby, begins to play.
Tumble: Had to work it in somehow, I guess.
Victoria: I remember there was mist,
Swirling mist upon a vast, glassy lake.
There were candles all around,
And on the lake there was a boat.
And in the boat there was a cat...
Sillabub: And the cat was in the boat and the boat was on the stream and the stream was on its way--aaaayyy . . . and the moon shone down from the clear night sky and all was bright and gay!
Delilah: That kitten needs suppressing.
Samson: Ro ho, the Rattlin' Bog,
Bog down in the valley-o…
Delilah: Sam, put a sock in it!
Victoria: (rises and approaches Munkustrap, reaching for his mask)
Who was that shape in the shadows?
Whose is the face in the mask?
Pouncival: (gleefully) Who was that masked cat?
Delilah: (sighs) I knew someone was going to say that.
Victoria: (snaps off the mask and shrieks upon viewing the Phantom's face) Eeeewww! My secret lover is Munkustrap? He's old!
Rheow: And you do know that they have a very nasty name for older toms who like young teenage queens, right?
Delilah: Yes, but I don't think we need to go into that just now…
Munkustrap: (furious)Damn you!
Jenny: Please, Munkus! Watch your language around the kittens.
Munkustrap: (heedless) You little prying Pandora!
Rheow: Ah, mythical references . . .
Munkustrap: You little demon, is this what you wanted to see?
Victoria: Not really.
Munkustrap: Curse you!
You little lying Delilah!
Sonia: And now biblical references…
Delilah: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Don't you take my name in vain!
Munkustrap: Now you cannot ever be free!
Victoria: Huh? What's my freedom got to do with it?
Exotica: I think it has something to do with the fact that you've seen how ugly he is before you got a chance to love him for who he is.
Munkustrap: (at the top of his lungs) Damn you! Curse you!
Jenny and Jelly: (indignant) Munkustrap!
Victoria: What am I supposed to be seeing? Munkustrap may be old, but he's not horrible looking.
Bomb, Dem, Ex, and Cass: Far from it!
Delilah: I decided to spare him the makeup...
Munkustrap: (still steamed at being called "old") Thank you!
Delilah: ...so you'll have to use your imagination. He should look like a living corpse, or a death's head, as it was described in the book.
Victoria and most of the other females: Eeew, gross!
Delilah: Exactly.
Munkustrap: Stranger than you dreamt it.
Can you even dare to look or bear to think of me?
Victoria: I'm trying not to.
Macavity: Hey, Vic, when did you become such a smart arse?
Victoria: I'm not sure. Maybe when I heard someone say Christine Daae and I are both ditzy.
Munkustrap: (icily) May I continue?
Delilah: (placatingly) Please continue.
Munkustrap: Fear can turn to love.
You'll learn to see, to find the cat behind the monster.
This repulsive carcass who seems a beast but secretly
Dreams of beauty, secretly, secretly...
Oh, Victoria...
(takes his mask and puts it back on)
Come, we must return. Those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.
Alonzo: Break time yet?
Delilah: No, just cool it.
Most of the male Cats: But we're hungry!
Plato: And we'll be needing a power nap soon.
Delilah: Nope, no naps until the entre'acte.
(protests from several Cats)
Delilah: Shush, we're almost to the break.
Exotica: So let's hurry along. We're backstage at the opera house and Skimbleshanks is showing off to the ballerinas, pretending to be the Phantom.
Skimble: (aside) That's just asking for trouble, that is.
Like yellow parchment is his skin,
A great black hole served as the nose that never grew.
Rheow: Here's an old joke for you . . . if he's got no nose, how does he smell?
(all groan)
Mistoff: That's an old one all right.
Sonia: Yeah, let's euthenize it!
Skimble: (inserts his paw between the punjab lasso and his throat and pulls it taut) You must be always on your guard,
Or he will catch you with his magical lasso.
Exotica: As he speaks, Munkustrap and Victoria emerge from a trap door. The ballerinas catch a glimpse of him and run off squealing. Munkustrap glares at Skimble, then sweeps away with Victoria.
Skimble: (miserably) See what I mean?
Exotica: Mame Jenny enters just in time to see this.
Jenny: Those who speak of what they know Find, too late, that prudent silence is wise. Skimbleshanks, hold your tongue! He will burn you with the heat of his eyes.
Rheow: You know, Superman or some other guy in a cape and tights could do that too . . .
Delilah: True, but I don't think she meant literally.
Sonia: Break time!
(all Cats cheer)
Delilah: Twenty minutes, no more! Then we're going to finish the act.
Admetus: And then...
Delilah: And then you can have your nap, yes.
(more cheering)
Delilah: Why do cats need so much sleep anyway?
Tugger: That question doesn't deserve an answer.
"The Phantom of the Opera" is a work by Andrew Lloyd Webber and belongs to him and The Really Useful Company. This parody is just some harmless fun and no copywrite infringement is intended.
This fic is © Delilah
