Phantom Cats 4

Act II

Tugger: (combing his claws through his ruff) Ooh, what a great nap! I feel like I could take on the whole world!

Bomb: But can you take on the rest of this play?

Tugger: (sagging) Why'd you have to spoil my good mood?

Delilah: Okay, places for the Masquerade. (aside) Sam, have you seen Macavity or Sonia?

Samson: Not since the end of the act. Mac doesn't have anything else to do except be in the chorus, so maybe he took off early.

Delilah: If Sonia were here I could believe that, but since she's not...

Samson: Well, you can stop worrying like a mother hen because here's Mac now.

Macavity: (approaching) Hello, Delilah. Sonia told me to tell you not to wait for her. She's getting things straight in the bar.

Delilah: Okay. (suspicious) What's that you've got in your paw?

Macavity: (whips his paw behind his back) Nothing.

Samson: It looked like one of Sonia's garters.

Macavity: (blushing, if cats can do that) Er, yes, she told me to hold it for her.

Delilah: I'll bet she did.

Alonzo: Hey, can we get this thing started so we can get out of here? I don't want to be late for my main snooze.

Exotica: Act II opens with a masquerade ball at the opera house to celebrate the new year. Alonzo and Asparagus, both dressed as skeletons in opera capes, meet center stage.

Gus: We came wearing the same costumes? How tacky!

Jenny: Watch it with the sexist comments, Alonzo.

Gus: (raising his mask) Monsieur Alonzo?

Dear Alonzo, what a splendid party!

Alonzo: The prologue to a bright new year!

Gus: Quite a night. I'm impressed.

Alonzo: Well, one does one's best...

Both: (raising their glasses) Here's to us!

Gus: I must say all the same that it's a shame

That "Phantom" fellow isn't here!

Alonzo: (alarmed) Bite your tongue!

Munkustrap: (evilly) Do I hear someone calling me?

Macavity: Oh dear, someone's getting into character.

Exotica: The scrim curtain lifts and we see the masquerade party where the guests are dressed as various strange things: kings, queens, jesters, flower fairies, demons, a monkey in Persian robes playing the cymbals...

Tumble: (startled) Where'd he come from?

Chorus: Masquerade! Paper faces on parade.

Sonia: (who has just come in) And there you have it, folks. The idea of this musical in a nutshell.

Pouncival: So can we go home now?

Delilah: No!

Chorus: Masquerade! Every face a different shade.

Masquerade, look around, there's another mask behind you.

Flash of mauve, splash of puce,

Fool and king, ghoul and goose,

Green and black, queen and priest,

Trace of rouge, face of beast...

Faces...

Take your turn, take a ride on the merry-go-round

In an inhuman race.

Eye of gold, thigh of blue,

True is false, who is who,

Curl of lip, swirl of gown,

Ace of hearts, face of clown...

Faces...

Drink it in, drink it up

Till you've drowned in the light, in the sound...

Vic and Mungo: But who can name the face?

Chorus: Masquerade! Grinning yellows, spinning reds.

Masquerade, Take your fill, let the spectacle astound you.

Masquerade! Burning glances turning heads.

Masquerade, stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you.

Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies.

Macavity: (dressed as a jester) I certainly hope so.

Chorus: Masquerade! Leering satyrs, peering eyes.

Plato: (panting) Why are you making us sing the whole thing?

Demeter: Pure meanness?

Delilah: No, it's because the chorus is so often overlooked in these parodies. Having been a chorus girl several times myself, I wanted to give y'all a chance to shine.

Sillabub: (sarcastic) Lucky us.

Electra: Munkustrap should have been in on this one. That "Flash of mauve, splash of puce" bit was a real tongue twister!

Munkustrap: And who do you think was keeping you together on that one?

Delilah: Continue, please.

Jenny: What a night!

Etc: What a crowd!

Alonzo: Makes you glad.

Gus: Makes you proud.

All the creme de la creme…

Bomb: Watching us watching them.

Jenny and Etc: And all our fears are in the past!

Alonzo: Six months...

Tugger: Of relief!

Bomb: Of delight!

Tugger: Ooh, yeah? What kind of delight, baby?

Rheow: We don't need to know, do we?

Exotica: Yeah, there are kittens present . . .(pause) Not that it really matters anymore to them . . .

Delilah: Shhh!

Alonzo and Gus: Of Elysian peace!

Jenny and Etc: And we can breathe at last!

Bomb: No more notes...

Tugger: No more ghost!

Jenny: Here's a health!

Alonzo: Here's a toast: to a prosperous year.

Rheow: Which has to be the most contrived bit of the plot--I mean, what else do you expect when you hang a massive several-tonne chandelier above the stage with only one cable?

Delilah: Ah well, Leroux was a bit of a romantic I think. You should see his descriptions of how beautiful the golden-haired, blue-eyed Christine is.

Rheow: I've read it. Eeeerrrgghh!

Sonia: Enough to make you wanna puke.

Bomb and Tugger: And may its splendour never fade.

Gus: Six months!

Jenny: What a joy!

Etc: What a change!

Gus and Alonzo: What a blessed release!

Alonzo: And what a masquerade!

Victoria: (quietly to Mungojerrie) Think of it, a secret engagement.

Look, your future bride!

Just think of it!

Sonia: The fact that he's a nobleman marrying a common opera singer perhaps?

Bomb: Mungojerrie, a nobleman? I'm still having trouble with that one.

Victoria: Please let's not fight.

Mungo: Victoria, you're free!

Victoria: Wait till the time is right.

Mungo: When will that be?

It's an engagement, not a crime!

Victoria, what are you afraid of?

Victoria: Let's not argue...

Mungo: Let's not argue...

Victoria: Please pretend...

Mungo: I can only hope I'll...

Victoria: ...you will...

Both: ...understand in time.

Exotica: Victoria dances away from Mungojerrie, half-coquettish, half-jittery. She goes from partner to partner, but each one reminds her of Munkustrap in some way and they spin her roughly. Finally Mungojerrie rescues her and they whirl back into the dance.

Chorus: Masquerade! Paper faces on parade.

Masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you.

Masquerade! Every face a different shade.

Masquerade, look around there's another mask behind you!

Masquerade! Burning glances turning heads.

Masquerade, stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you.

Masquerade! Grinning yellows, spinning reds.

Masquerade, take your fill, let the spectacle astound you.

Exotica: On "spectacle" the Phantom's theme kicks in, and as the chorus finishes the line they part to show Munkustrap dressed as the Red Death, complete with crimson robe and a skull mask. He approaches the managers holding a large manuscript.

Munkustrap: Why so silent, good messieurs? Did you think that I had left you for good?

Alonzo: (miserably) We should be so lucky.

Rheow: Lucky, lucky lucky--I should be so lucky . . .

Admetus: I wish the audience participation wasn't merely restricted to one oddball heckler commenting on lines and feeding us useless info . . .

Bombalurina: Including oblique references to tacky 80's synthesizer pop . . .

Rheow: Hey, Eye yam wot Eye yam . . .

Delilah: I can see that I need to better familiarize myself with Rockapella's lyrics, and especially Sean's, if I want to compete.

Rheow: Pop culture is easy for those who grew up in the 80s.

Delilah: I grew up in the 80s; I'm older than you.

Sonia: But you were never really immersed in pop culture.

Delilah: True…

Munkustrap: (icily) May we please continue?

Delilah: Sure, don't mind us.

Munkustrap: Ahem. Have you missed me, good messieurs?

Gus: Er, well...(flinches under Alonzo's accusing glare)

Munkustrap: I have written you an opera.

Gus and Alonzo: (horrified) Oh no!

Munkustrap: Here I bring the finished score:

Delilah: And I don't know about the rest of you, but I do not want to see Don Juan triumphant.

Rheow: Why not? I heard that movie was pretty good . . .

Delilah: Never saw it, but the character of Don Juan is not supposed to be a nice guy.

Munkustrap: I advise you to comply; my instructions should be clear.

Remember there are worse things than a shattered chandelier.

Victoria: Ow!

Munkustrap: Your chains are still mine; you will sing for me!

Victoria: Geez! Posessive, much?

Exotica: And with a swirl of his cape, he is gone.

Sonia: Very nice, Munk. You're really getting the hang of this villain thing.

Munkustrap: (preening) Thank you!

Macavity: And that worries me...

Rheow: Yeah, his ego might just swell to the point when he can't even wear the hat . . .

Macavity: And I don't really want any competition as the villain around here.

Demeter: Says the cat who's always complaining about being typecast.

Macavity: Well, when you're the best at what you do…

Delilah: (sotto voce) Oh brother. (turning pages, aloud) Just FYI, we're skipping over scene 2 in favour of something I've added later in the act.

All: Uh oh...

Delilah: It's a short scene anyway. On to scene 3.

Exotica: We're back again in the managers' office where Alonzo and Asparagus are thumbing through Munkustrap's score.

Alonzo: How can we do that when we don't have thumbs?

Delilah: Hush!

Alonzo: Ludicrous! Have you seen the score?

Gus: I'm looking at it with you, aren't I?

Simply ludicrous!

Alonzo: It's the final straw!

Jemima: What, about kittens not getting trained proper in the theatre these days?

Tumble: All too well.

Alonzo: Utter lunacy!

Gus: But we daren't refuse...

Munkustrap: Surely the Phantom, as ingenious as he is, wouldn't try to pull the same trick twice.

Gus: Look, my friend, what we have here. (plucks two notes from the pages of the score and hands one to Alonzo)

Alonzo: (reads) Dear Alonzo,

re: my orchestrations

We need another first bassoon.

Get a player with tone and that third trombone

Has to go!

The man could not be deafer

So please preferably one who plays in tune!

Samson: I suppose they couldn't be talking about your brother, could they, Delilah?

Delilah: (indignant) Certainly not! My brother is one of the best trombonists in the military music school.

Gus: (reads) Dear Asparagus,

vis a vis my opera:

Chorus: Hey! We'll sic the singer's union on you!

If you could find out which has a sense of pitch--

Wisely, though,

I've managed to assign a rather minor role

To those who cannot act.

Exotica: Now Bombalurina and Tugger enter, both brandishing notes from the Phantom.

Bomb: Outrage!

Plato: Is that the only word she knows?

Gus: What is it now?

Bomb: This whole affair is an outrage!

Gus: Signora, please...

Alonzo: Now what's the matter?

Bomb: Have you seen the size of my part?

Admetus: (staring at Bomb fixedly) Er, which part would that be?

Jelly: Mind out of the gutter, Admetus!

Admetus: Sorry.

Tugger: It's an insult!

Macavity: And why not? They're both hot-blooded Italians...

Pouncival: Did you say hot-blooded or hot-bodied?

Jelly and Jenny: Pouncival!

(Tugger and Bomb preen)

Tugger: Just look at this; it's an insult!

Gus: Please understand...

Alonzo: Signor, signora...

Bomb: The things I have to do for my art!

Tugger: If you can call this gibberish art...

Bomb: (noticing Victoria and Mungojerrie as they enter) Ah! Here's our little flower.

Gus: Ah, Victoria, quite the lady of the hour!

Alonzo: You have secured the largest role in this Don Juan.

Bomb: Victoria? She doesn't have the voice.

Gus: Signora, please!

Mungo: Then I take i' yore agreein'.

Bomb: She's behind this...

Alonzo: It appears we have no choice.

Bomb: She's the one behind this, Victoria Daae!

Victoria: How dare you!

Bomb: I'm not a fool!

Sonia: (mockingly) You're innocent and virtuous, remember? You don't know how to cuss somebody out.

Victoria: (incensed) The hell I don't!

Jelly: Victoria! I'm surprised at you!

Coricopat: So are the rest of us.

Delilah: Keep going, people.

Bomb: You think I'm blind?

Tantomile: A little slow maybe, but not blind, no.

Delilah: I'll bear it in mind…

Gus: Victoria, surely...

Tumble: Who's Shirley?

Alonzo: But why not?

Tugger: (to Bomb) What does she say?

Gus: It's your decision, but why not?

Bomb: (to Tugger) She's backing out.

Alonzo: You have a duty!

Victoria: I cannot sing it, duty or not!

Samson: (aside) Apparently she's not a Slave of Duty like the hero in the next fic...

Mungo: Vicky, Vicky, you don' 'ave to. They can' make you.

Jenny: (arriving with Etc at her side) Please, messieurs, another note.

(all groan and Alonzo gestures for her to read it)

Jenny: (as before, Munk's voice gradually takes over as she reads) Fondest greetings to you all...

Tugger: Yeah, I'll bet.

Jenny/Munk: A few instructions just before rehearsal starts. Bombalurina must be taught to act...

Bomb: Acting lessons? Now he wants me to have acting lessons!

Munkustrap: ...not her normal trick of strutting round the stage.

Bomb: What's wrong with my strutting?!

Most male Cats: Nothing!

Pouncival: We like it!

Rheow: Toms . . .

Delilah: And they complain about us…

Munkustrap: Our Don Juan must lose some weight...

Tugger: Who, me? There's not an ounce of extra fat anywhere on my body!

Rheow: It comes from running away from nymphomaniac kittens regularly . . .

All female kittens: We know!

Munkustrap: It's not healthy in a cat of Tugger's age.

Tugger: What about my age? I'm younger than Munkustrap!

Skimble: And you act it, too.

(Tugger sputters)

Munkustrap: (plodding on despite the interruptions) And my managers must learn that their place is in an office, not the arts.

Gus: (indignant) Did he say arse?

Alonzo: No, he said arts.

Victoria: Uh oh...

Munkustrap: No doubt she'll do her best. It's true her voice is good.

Victoria: Condemning me with faint praise...

Munkustrap: She knows, though, should she wish to excel, she has much still to learn, if pride will let her return to me, her teacher, her teacher. Your obedient friend...

Jenny: (concluding the note) ...and Angel.

Mungo: We 'ave all been blind,

An' yet th' answer is starin' us in th' face.

This could be th' chance to ensnare our clever friend.

Alonzo: We're listening.

Gus: Go on.

Mungo: We will play 'is game,

Peform 'is work, but remember we 'old th' ace.

For if Victoria sings,

'E is cer'ain to at'end.

Alonzo: We make certain the doors are barred.

Gus: We make certain our cats are there.

Mungo: We make cer'ain they are armed.

All three: The curtain falls. His reign will end!

Victoria: So now instead of protecting me, he's gonna let the managers use me as bait to catch the opera ghost? Nice one, Mungo!

Mungo: 'Ey, it ain't my fault. Go blame Mr Le-roo.

Delilah: Actually, blame Andrew Lloyd Webber, since that was not in the book.

Jenny: Madness!

Victoria: You can say that again!

Exotica: She will in a minute…

Alonzo: I'm not so sure.

Macavity: Big if.

Jenny: This is madness!

Exotica: See?

Alonzo: The tide will turn!

Jenny: Monsieur, believe me, there is no way of turning the tide.

Delilah: Stop! I've had enough of the dramatic dialogue.

All: We have, too!

Exotica: So here we go again with everyone talking at once: Mungojerrie and the managers savouring their anticipated victory over the opera ghost, Mame Jenny and Etcetera injecting ominous little comments here and there, and Bombalurina and Tugger, who are a little slow on the uptake and still think Victoria is behind it all. Meanwhile, Victoria has been silent throughout, until she finally cracks and lets out a shriek.

Tantomile: Some would say you already have.

Victoria: Mungo, I'm frightened! Don't make me do this.

Mungo, it scares me! Don't put me through this

Ordeal by fire. He'll take me, I know.

We'll be parted forever; he won't let me go!

What I once used to dream I now dread.

If he finds me it won't ever end,

And he'll always be there singing songs in my head.

He'll always be there singing songs in my head.

Bomb: She's mad!

Alonzo: You're just now noticing that, Bomba?

Exotica: Well, I said she was a little slow.

Rheow: And I thought I had sarcastic voices in my head . . .

Sonia: They've got competition!

Mungo: Ye' while 'e lives, 'e will 'aunt us till we's dead...or till 'e's dead, whichever comes firs'.

Victoria: Twisted every way, what answer can I give?

Am I to risk my life to win the chance to live?

Gus: Yes, I think that's the general idea.

Victoria: Can I betray the cat who once inspired my voice?

Rheow: Ooooh, foreshadowing--he was calling you Delilah before this sorry episode came to past . . .okay, no more puns at Delilah's name after this.

Delilah: (coldly) Thank you.

Alonzo: Betray him!

Victoria: Do I become his prey? Do I have any choice?

Victoria: (aside) What a supportive group we've got here.

He kills without a thought, he murders all that's good.

I know I can't refuse...

Alonzo: Nope!

Victoria: ...and yet, I wish I could.

Oh, Everlasting Cat, if I agree,

What horrors wait for me

In this, the Phantom's opera?

Coricopat: I have a sinking feeling that we will shortly find out.

Mungo: Vicky, Vicky, don't think that I don't care...

Demeter: Even though he doesn't…

Mungo: ...but every hope and every prayer

Rests on you now!

Victoria: Mungo, whatever happened to "you don't have to, they can't make you"?

Mungo: Er, th' needs of th' many ou'weigh th' needs of th' few or th' one?

Teazer: You've bin watchin' too many old Star Trek movies, luv.

Sonia: How 'bout, "It is expedient that one man should die for the people."

Pouncival: Who said that?

Delilah: Caiphas, the high priest, referring to the crucifixion of Jesus.

Pounce: Ah...

Delilah: I would think Rumpus Cat would know that line as he played Caiphas recently.

Munkustrap: I don't think that line was in the fic, and anyway Rumpus Cat isn't here.

Tugger: Yeah, he peeled out of here soon after looking at the cast list.

Bomb: Can you blame him?

Rheow: Heck no--bet you even catnip that any members of the GRCA would be willing to take him in . . .

Delilah: I'll have to track him down later. In the meantime let's keep moving, unless y'all want to skip your next break.

All: No!

Mungo: (quickly) So i' is t' be war between us! Bu' this time, clever friend, the disas'er will be yore's!

Victoria: Who is he talking to?

Sonia: The Phantom.

Rheow: Duh--it's all macho boasting, he wants it mano e mano--

Demeter: Tom to tom--

Cassandra: Felius e felius--

Rheow: Ahem! As I was saying, he's only doing it because he's fighting over a queen he wants! Don't let him, Vicky!

Exotica: She's a milksop, remember?

Victoria: I am not! It's Christine who's the, uh, whatever you said.

Rheow: Oh--no wonder I never really liked Christine and Raoul . . .

Delilah: Oh, the musical barely scratches the surface. They were much worse in the book…

Rheow: Still don't like them…

Jemima: Well, the Phantom isn't here anyway.

Munkustrap: (evilly) The Phantom is always near...

Macavity: Stop it, Munk, you're making me nervous!

Rheow: By Hokey*, even Mac's afraid of Munku now--wot a reversal . . . (*God of Lame-arsed Puns)

Munkustrap: I'd like to point out that I was never intimidated by him . . .

Macavity: And I'd like to say that I--

Delilah: Save it! And keep going.

Exotica: Now we'll peek in on a rehearsal of Don Juan Triumphant. The company are still learning their parts under the direction of Mistoffelees, who is close to tearing his fur out because Tugger is constantly getting his notes wrong.

Mistoff: Don Juan, Signor Tugger, here is the phrase. (plunks a pitch on the piano) Those who tangle with Don Juan...if you please?

Tugger: (wrong, a little low) Those who tangle with Don Juan...

Mistoff: No, no, nearly, but no. (picks out the notes as he sings) Those who tan, tan, tan...

Tugger: (still wrong) Those who tangle with Don Juan...

Mistoff: How did this guy get to be a principal tenor when he can't get past this one phrase?

Bomb: His way is better. At least he makes it sound like music!

(chorus laughs meanly)

Jenny: (severely) Signora, would you speak that way in the presence of the composer?

Bomb: (imperiously) The composer is not here! And if he were, I would tell him what a piece of tripe his work is!

Jenny: (cutting in over top of the last line) Can you be certain of that, signora?

Mistoff: (trying to redirect their attention) So, once again! After seven. (plays pitch) Five, six, seven...

Tugger: (wrong, this time too high) Those who tangle with Don Juan...

Mistoff: No! Argh!

(general hubbub as the chorus members begin talking amongst themselves)

Bomb: Ah, piu non posso! What does it matter what notes we sing?

Mistoff: Is that ever a prima donna attitude!

Bomb: No one will care if it's right or wrong.

Tugger: And since it's a new work anyway, no one will know the difference.

Mistoff: (thumps piano keys then jumps up) Ladies, Signor Tugger, everybody, shut up!!!

Bomb: (mockingly) Those who tangle with Don Juan!

Exotica: The mayhem is interrupted when the piano suddenly starts playing by itself.

Mistoff: Well, it is a player piano after all.

Exotica: Victoria moves away from the group as they robotically sing a passage from the Don Juan.

Chorus: Poor young maiden! For the thrill

On your tongue of stolen sweets,

You will have to pay the bill

Tangled in the winding sheets!

Skimble: Er, didn't you say you wanted this to be kitten-friendly?

Victoria: In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came,

That voice which calls to me and speaks my name...

Macavity: Oh, there she goes again.

Victoria: Little Lotte thought of everything and nothing.

Plato: But mostly nothing.

Victoria: (glaring) Her father promised her that he would send an Angel of Music.

Her father promised her. Her father promised her...

Y'know, I just don't get this at all. Who is Little Lotte anyway?

Delilah: Well, the librettist seems to think it's a nickname that Raoul had for Christine. In the book, however, it was a folk tale character who was visited by the Angel of Music, in a story that Christine's father told her all the time.

Samson: Hate to interrupt, but I thought I should point out that we're at our next break.

(all Cats cheer)

Delilah: Rest up, guys. After this I start adding stuff from the book and it could get a little hairy.

(all Cats groan)

Delilah: Don't give me that! Oh, and if anyone sees the Rumpus Cat, kindly collar him and send him my way. I want to have words with him.

Sonia: I bet that's not all you want to have with him.

Delilah: Shut it, you! Be back in twenty minutes.

Rheow: (raises eyebrows) You sure twenty minutes is long enough?

Delilah: (knowing smile) Not to worry. I'll find him.

Admetus: Uh oh, look out, GRC!