Phantom Cats V

The insanity continues…

Delilah: (as the Cats come back into the stage room) Thank you so much for joining us, Rumpus.

Great Rumpus Cat: (grumbles) This is getting old. And Macavity complains that he's always typecast as the villain. I'm always a policeman! Or some other law enforcer or authority figure.

Delilah: But you do it so well...

GRC: In Oklahomeow I was a court official or something like that, I was a policeman in Fur and The Music Tom, a high priest in Everlasting Cat Superstar, now I'm a fire chief in this silly spoof, and Samson tells me I'm gonna be a policeman again in your next one!

Delilah: Samson, I thought I told you to stop giving out that kind of information.

Samson: Well, it's kind of hard to say no to the Great Rumpus Cat when he's bearing down on you.

Delilah: Anyway, Rumpus, you needn't pull that hurt tone. What about the part you had in Rocky Tugger Picture Show?

Rheow: (aside) The only kinky role so far . . .

GRC: Hmmph, that's the other thing. If I'm not an authority figure, I'm a big, evil goon.

Delilah: It's impossible to satisfy these Cats!

Sonia: So why do you try?

Delilah: I dunno. Oh well, places for the graveyard scene.

Munkustrap: Er, Delilah, can I talk to you for a minute?

Delilah: Can it wait, Munkus? You see we're getting ready for the next scene.

Munkustrap: No, it cannot wait because it involves the next scene.

Delilah: All right, all right, what's the problem?

Munkustrap: Well, I went along with the revolving mirror trick; that was fairly easy. And I'm getting the hang of the evil, maniacal laughter...

Delilah: (prompting) But...

Munkustrap: But if you're expecting me to throw fireballs in this next scene you're crazier than I thought! That's Mistoffelees' territory.

Delilah: Hmm, you do have a point.

Munkustrap: (meaningfully) Actually, I have lots of points, in my mouth and on my paws.

Delilah: (ignoring this) Give me a minute; I'll see what I can do. By the way, where's the cloak I told you to wear for this scene?

Munkustrap: I took it off. It was too hot.

Delilah: Well put it back on! And don't take it off again until I tell you to.

Rheow: Hey, I did enjoy all that eye candy while it lasted . . .

Sonia: (quietly) Someone's been hanging around her brother's drill sergeants too long.

Tugger: Can we get started? Some of us have lives we'd like to get back to.

Delilah: Go ahead. (quietly beckoning) Mistoffelees, come here a minute, please.

Exotica: The scene is the cemetery in a churchyard where Victoria has come to pray over her father's grave.

Victoria: You were once my one companion;

You were all that mattered.

You were once a friend and father,

Then my world was shattered.

Wishing you were somehow here again,

Wishing you were somehow near.

Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,

Somehow you would be here.

Wishing I could hear your voice again,

Knowing that I never would.

Dreaming of you won't help me to do

All that you dreamed I could.

Delilah: Cut!

Victoria: What's the problem?

Delilah: My dear, you are just as bland as rice pudding. You're supposed to be singing about your beloved father, now dead. Put some feeling into it!

Victoria: (takes something that Electra hands her and wraps her cloak around herself) Do you want me to start over?

Delilah: No, no, just pick up where you left off.

Victoria: (stonily) Passing bells and sculpted angels,

Cold and monumental,

Seem, for you, the wrong companions;

You were warm and gentle.

(walks upstage and turns away, when she turns back her fur is wet with tears)

Too many years fighting back tears.

Why can't the past just die?

(really belting it out)

Wishing you were somehow here again,

Knowing we must say goodbye.

Try to forgive. Teach me to live;

Give me the strength to try!

(fortissitissimo)

No more memories, no more silent tears!

No more gazing across the wasted years...

(diminuendo to piano)

Help me say goodbye.

(stunned silence, then Cats break into enthusiastic applause)

Mistoff: (clapping) Oh, that was wonderful, Victoria! Brava and bravissima!

Victoria: (smiling through her tears) Thank you.

Macavity: (sniffing) Does anyone else smell onion?

Plato: I didn't want to say anything, but there is a definite aroma...

Sonia: Okay, 'fess up. Who had onions for lunch?

Victoria: (pulls a freshly cut onion from inside her cloak) Well, it did come in handy for that song.

Exotica: And on that note I think we should move on.

Munkustrap: Definitely!

Exotica: As Victoria kneels at her father's grave she hears a familiar voice.

Victoria: Hey, can't a girl even pray in peace?

Munkustrap: Wandering child, so lost, so helpless,

Yearning for my guidance.

Victoria: (aside) Oh, it's him again...

Angel or father, friend or Phantom,

Who is it there staring?

Like I can't tell.

Rheow: You know, I think this character has unresolved issues about her father . . .

Alonzo: Gee, ya think?

Samson: I'm surprised Nancy Nurse doesn't pop up now with something about the stages of grief.

Delilah: Well, she worked last night so she's catching a quick catnap in a corner out front.

Rheow: We could always call Dr. Mau over to check her out. Victoria, that is.

Cats, Victoria loudest: Noooooooo! Anything but that!

Munkustrap: Have you forgotten your Angel?

Victoria: Much as I'd like to...

Angel, oh, speak! What endless longings

Echo in this whisper?

Oh, puh-leeze!

Munkustrap: (shrugs) So much for her being transfixed and mesmerized.

Too long you've wandered in winter...

Mungo: (watching from shadows) Once again she is 'is.

Rheow: Not one, but two stalkers. If it were me, I'd be scared you know.

Electra: She's probably not bright enough to realize that she should be scared.

Victoria: Hey!

Munkustrap: Far from my far-reaching gaze...

Coricopat: Not reaching far enough, apparently.

Tom: That sentence shouldn't have had "far" in it twice. It's rather awkward and unpleasing to the ear.

All: Who are you?

Delilah: Oh, sorry. This is Tom, a new voice. He represents the anal English student aspect and is named after my former boyfriend who is also an English major. Say hello, Tom.

Tom: Howdy.

All: Er, hi.

Samson: (quietly) At least it's not another girl.

Sonia: I heard that, Sam!

Samson: Well, I was starting to feel a little outnumbered, Sonj.

Delilah: Hey, voices, let's all shut up so we can finish this thing in a reasonable amount of time.

All: Please!

Mungo: Once again she returns...

Munkustrap: You resist...

Victoria: You better believe it!

Both: ...yet your/the soul obeys.

Mungo: ...to the arms of 'er Angel.

Exotica: And here we go again, everyone singing different words and tunes at the same time.

Demeter: They do that a lot in this musical; it gets very annoying.

Exotica: Suffice it to say that the Phantom has lured Victoria back to him, and then Mungojerrie runs out of the shadows with all this dramatic dialogue about "this thing is not your father" and "let her go for the Everlasting Cat's sake."

Mungo: 'Ey, ain't *I* s'posed to say those lines?

Exotica: Yes, but I couldn't bear to hear you overact them.

Mungo: Hmmph!

Exotica: So Victoria comes out of her trance and runs to Mungojerrie's arms. As for the Phantom...

(pause)

Delilah: (nodding to Mistoffelees) Munk, that's your cue.

Munkustrap: (picking up his prop, a pike with a skull impaled on the top) Aren't you going to change this part to allow for certain, er, handicaps?

Delilah: No, nothing needs to be changed. Go on.

(a flash of flame streaks from the skull's mouth and lands at Mungojerrie's feet, both he and Munkustrap jump and yell)

Munkustrap: Where the hell did that come from? (holds the pike at arm's length)

Jenny: Munkustrap, I'm not going to tell you again!

Delilah: Keep going, people.

Mungo: (shakily) More tricks, mon-sure?

Munkustrap: (getting into the spirit) Let's see, monsieur, how far you dare go!

(another fireball lands at Mungo's feet)

Mungo: (starts toward Munkustrap) More deception? More violence?

Munkustrap: Of course!

Rheow: How so very like tom cats--and stupid as well . . .

Toms: Hey!

Delilah: Yeah. Remind me to tell you about my two toms, Pele and Steve sometime…

Victoria: (trying to hold Mungo back) Mungo, no...

(another fireball)

Munkustrap: That's right, that's right, monsieur, keep walking this way!

(two more fireballs)

Mungo: You can't win her love by making her your prisoner!

(all groan)

Admetus: That has got to be the cheesiest line in the whole musical.

Mungo: (miserably) I know.

Victoria: (holding on to Mungo's tail and being dragged along as he continues toward Munkustrap) Mungo, don't! Stop! Please!

Munkustrap: I'm here, I'm here, monsieur, the angel of death! Come on, come one, monsieur, don't stop, don't stop!

(three more fireballs)

Tumble: Hey, Munkus, how come you keep saying everything twice?

Munkustrap: Do not question the cat who wields the fireballs.

Victoria: (desperately) Mungooo! Please, come back!

Exotica: Mungojerrie decides that discretion is the better part of valour and hurries off with Victoria. The Phantom is furious.

Munkustrap: Damn! (notices Jenny glaring) I mean, darn! So be it! Now let it be war upon you both!

(a flash of lightning and the stage erupts into flame)

All: Yeow!

Demeter: Munkustrap, darling! Are you all right!

(rattled but unhurt, Munkustrap emerges from the smoke, he checks the tag on his cloak)

Munkustrap: Now I know why you insisted I wear this thing, Delilah. One hundred percent asbestos. No wonder it was so hot!

Delilah: Yes, well, Nancy would be really ticked if I woke her up to treat a burn victim. "Wasn't there any way you could have prevented this?" she would say.

Munkustrap: I suppose I should be grateful...

Tantomile: Mistoffelees was doing the fireworks, I presume.

Delilah: Naturally.

Mistoff: Sorry, Munkustrap. I guess I got a bit carried away toward the end.

Munkustrap: A bit?! Let me tell you something, you little—

Demeter: (licking Munk's head and face, soothingly) Calm down, dearest. It's all right now.

(Munkustrap grumbles ominously)

Delilah: Okay, here we go with the first major addition from the book.

All: Uh oh...

Exotica: We've already mentioned the secret engagement of Mungojerrie and Victoria...

Alonzo: Which we find almost as unbelievable as Mungojerrie being a nobleman.

Exotica: Now we'll reveal that they plan to elope after the opening performance of Don Juan Triumphant.

Jemima: They do? I don't remember that.

Delilah: That's because it wasn't in the musical, which I'm doing my best to combine seamlessly with the book. Now, hush!

Exotica: We join Mungojerrie as he's about to go to bed on the night before the fateful day.

Sillabub: Ooh, a bedroom scene!

Delilah: Grow up. He's alone so there's not much fun he can have in a kitten-friendly fic.

Rheow: Er, I had something to say here, but I guess I'll just shut up.

Delilah: You'd better…

Mungo: Thank you!

Samson: He won't be alone for long.

Mungo: (mutters as he climbs into bed) That Phantom'll be sorry 'e ever crossed the likes of me! This time tomorrah, Vicky an' me'll be far, far away.

Rheow: You know something's up when one of the leads gives away large chunks of plot before bedtime . . .

Exotica: He turns out the light, then gives a cry as two glowing eyes appear at the foot of the bed.

Mungo: Bloomin' 'eck! Wha's that? Either a pair of 'overing fireflies 'as got in 'ere, or Munkustrap 'as come a-callin'.

Exotica: He lights a lamp and the eyes disappear, so he gets out of bed and searches the room.

Mungo: Tha' ain' wha' I woulda done. I'da just pulled the covers over me 'ead and pretended they wasn't there.

Exotica: Ahem. Finding no one, he gets back in bed and puts out the light. The eyes are back.

Mungo: Izzat you, Munkustrap? Cat, genious, or ghost, is it you?

GRC: No, it's only me, Mungo. I'm standing in for Munkus in this scene since he doesn't have the right kind of eyes.

All: His eyes were like fireballs, fearfully blazing!

Delilah: Stop it! You're ruining my favourite scene! Keep going, Mungo.

Mungo: If it is you, Munkustrap, I'll take care of you now instead of later. (pulls out a revolver and takes careful aim) Cat or ghost? Let's find out! (fires once)

GRC: (ducking) Yow! You didn't say I was going to get shot at!

Delilah: It was just a blank, and anyway I'm done with you for now.

GRC: Thank the Heaviside!

Delilah: But don't go too far; your other part is coming up soon.

GRC: Oh, darn.

Rheow: Oh groovy . . .

Delilah: Continuing on...

Exotica: Mungojerrie has effectively gotten rid of the glowing eyes, but you can hardly fire a revolver in a sleeping house without attracting attention. Countess Rumpelteazer hurries in, followed by some servants.

Teazer: Oh, I actually gets some lines, do I? An' 'ere I was 'opin' I was just goin' t' be window dressin'.

Mungo: No such luck, luv.

Teazer: 'Oo fired that shot?

Mungo: I did. I fired at two stars that kept me from sleeping.

Teazer: Give me that, ya lunatic! (takes gun) What are you raving about, anyway?

Mungo: (jumps up and goes to the window) I'm not raving, Teaz. Look, there's blood on the balcony.

Demeter: Looks like catsup to me.

Tumble: Tastes like it, too.

Female kittens: Eeeewww!

Mungo: If the ghost can bleed 'e can also be killed.

Teazer: Yor totally barmy, Jerrie.

Mungo: I ain't neither. I know I've shot Munkustrap, an' if you want t' be useful, y'can 'elp me look for 'im. If 'e bleeds like a stuck pig we can find 'im easy enough.

Teazer: Are you clean cocoa? 'Oo is you talkin' abou', anyways?

Mungo: Munkustrap, my rival. See, there's 'is blood. It goes all th' way down th' gutterspout.

Teazer: Yes, I see that, y'bloomin' idiot. You've probably shot a ruddy sewer rat.

Mungo: An' th' sadness is, you could be right. Wit' Munkustrap you can never be sure.

Exotica: Mungojerrie continues making similar obscure remarks, leaving his worried sister with the impression that he is completely round the bend.

Mistoff: Which, in fact, he is...

Exotica: The next morning at breakfast, Rumpelteazer shows her brother a headline in the Epoque, which is apparently Paris' version of the National Enquirer.

Teazer: Look at this, just look at this!

Mungo: (reads) "Viscount Mungojerrie de Chagny to wed sensational new diva from the Paris opera. Countess Rumpelteazer swears it won't 'appen."

Rheow: So much for that "secret engagement" . . .

Etcetera: That's the tabloids for you…

Teazer: Y'see? Yor making fools of th' lot of us an' draggin' our proud family name through th' mud! That common lit'le chit 'as turned yor 'ead wit' 'er ghost stories.

Mungojerrie: Goodbye, Rumpelteazer.

Teazer: (startled) What? Yor leavin', jus' like that? Wit' 'er?

(Mungo nods)

Teazer: I'll find a way to stop you, depend upon it!

Mungo: (shrugs) You can try if you like. Goodbye, Rumpelteazer. (leaves)

Teazer: (grumbles) 'E always was a stubborn lit'le git.

Tom: Brava, Delilah!

Delilah: (puzzled) Brava?

Tom: Yes, for taking all that Victorian-style speech and transforming it into cockney. Very well done.

Delilah: Oh, thank you. I am rather pleased with the effect.

Alonzo: Is it just me, or did she just use another aspect of her consciousness to pat herself on the back?

Delilah: Well, I didn't notice anyone else doing it…

Exotica: Let's move on before this gets any weirder.

Etcetera: Like it possibly could…

Exotica: Now we're back at the opera house, a short time before the premiere performance of Don Juan Triumphant. Mungojerrie and the managers are speaking to the fire chief and his cats who are to secure the building. The orchestra is tuning and trying to ignore the markscat who is sharing the pit with them.

Mistoff: As if it weren't crowded enough down here...

GRC: (to firecats) You understand your instructions?

Tumble, Plato, Admetus, Skimble, Mac, and Cori: Sir!

GRC: When you hear the whistle, take up your positions and wait for my word to secure the doors. It is essential that all doors are properly secured.

Plato: Well, duh!

Gus: Are we doing the right thing, Alonzo?

Alonzo: You got a better idea?

GRC: (whistle at his lips) Monsieur le Viscount?

Mungo: Go ahead.

Exotica: The fire chief blows his whistle and his cats fan out, leaving him on the stage with Mungojerrie and the managers.

Mungo: You in the pit. Do you 'ave a clear view of box five?

Pouncival: (poking his head up) Yes, uh, sir.

Mungo: Remember, when the time comes, shoot. Only if you 'ave to, but shoot to kill.

Pouncival: How will I know to?

Mungo: You'll know.

Pouncival: (under his breath) Big help you are.

Mistoff: Pouncival, watch where you point that gun! You're making my violists nervous.

Sonia: Oh, violists are always nervous about something.

Delilah: (severely) You'd better not let my mother hear you say that!

Admetus: Anyway, I thought it was the violinists who were high strung.

(all groan except violists, who snigger)

GRC: Ahem. (to Mungo) My cats are in position now, sir.

Mungo: Right then. Go ahead.

GRC: (shouts) Secure all doors!

Exotica: Doors slam and shouts of "secure!" ring out all over. And then...

Munk's voice: (from back of theatre) I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!

(firecats run toward the voice)

Munkustrap: (from middle of auditorium) I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!

(firecats follow voice)

Munkustrap: (from box five) I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!

Pouncival: Hey there he is! (fires at box five)

Mungo: Ya bleedin' idiot! You want t' kill someone?

Macavity: I thought that was the idea.

Mungo: Shoot only when the time comes.

Pouncival: Well, I thought...

Mungo: Then don't.

Pouncival: But—

Munkustrap: No buts! For once the viscount is right.

Seal my fate tonight!

I hate to cut the fun short, but the joke's wearing thin.

Cass: So thin it's nearly transparent.

Munkustrap: Let the audience in.

Let my opera begin!

Exotica: Fortunately we won't be seeing the whole opera.

All: Thank the Heaviside!

Exotica: We'll skip to the final scene where Don Juan is discussing plans for his latest conquest with his faithful servant, Passarino.

Delilah: Okay, I just realized that I forgot to cast Passarino. Who wants the part?

(silence)

Delilah: Come on, guys. It's not too long or difficult. Plato and Admetus, you wiseacres are the only two males who haven't had a specific part. One of you can have it. Now which will it be?

Plato: (quickly) You can have it, Admetus.

Admetus: Oh no, I insist that you take it, Plato.

Delilah: Oh, for Pete's sake! Let's just flip a coin. Who's got one?

Sonia: (primly) Mac, there's a little coin purse in my garter. Do you still have it?

Macavity: (embarrassed) Er, yes. Here it is. (produces a coin and gives it to Delilah)

Delilah: Okay, Plato, call it. (tosses coin up)

Plato: Heads, Admetus gets the part!

(coin lands)

Delilah: It's tails.

Plato: (weakly) Best two out of three?

Admetus: Hey!

(coin is tossed twice more, comes up once heads and once tails)

Admetus: (relieved) Congrats, Plato!

(Plato grumbles incoherently)

Delilah: Enough goofing off. Let's hurry along.

Tugger as Don Juan: Passarino, faithful friend,

Once again recite the plan.

Bomb: Hey, there's the same musical phrase he was struggling with before. He finally got it.

Mistoff: Amazing.

Plato as Passarino: Your young guest believes I'm you,

I, the master, you, the man.

Don Juan: When you met you wore my cloak,

With my scarf you hid your face.

She believes she dines with me

In her master's borrowed place!

Furtively we'll scoff and quaff,

Stealing what, in truth, is mine.

When it's late and modesty

Starts to mellow in the wine...

Passarino: You come home! I use your voice,

Slam the door like crack of doom!

Don Juan: I shall say, "Come, hide with me!

Where, oh, where? Of course, my room!"

Pouncival: Okay, explanation needed. What the heck is going on?

Exotica: Isn't it obvious? Don Juan is arranging a meeting with a sweet, innocent young thing who will shortly not be so sweet and innocent.

Cass: It's kind of convoluted, though. The little innocent is supposed to think she's having a clandestine meeting with Passarino. Then "Don Juan" comes home and she goes to hide with "Passarino" in his bedroom.

Alonzo: And you can just guess what happens next.

Jemima: They play tiddly winks?

Alonzo: Ah, no.

Tumble: Spin the bottle?

Tugger: Close...

Rheow: But no cigar if I remember what Don Juan is like . . .

Sonia: Well, there might be a cigar if they're into the same kinkiness as Monica and Clinton.

Kittens: Oh, now we get it!

Samson: Way to go, Sonj.

Sonia: (grinning) Glad to help.

Passarino: Poor thing hasn't got a chance!

Don Juan: Here's my hat, my cloak and sword.

Conquest is assured,

If I do not forget myself and laugh...

(at which Don Juan and Passarino share a nasty laugh)

Exotica: Passarino retreats to the shadows and Don Juan slips backstage where he meets up with Munkustrap, who has designs on his role. He makes short work of Tugger with his Punjab lasso, takes the dead cat's cloak, and waits for his cue.

Bomb: Wait, you mean Munkus killed Tugger just so he could be Don Juan and get close to Victoria?

Rheow: He's killed several times--why not once more?

Tugger: Couldn't he just conk me over the head and tie me up somewhere?

Munkustrap: That would be a nicer way of doing it, but apparently I don't deal in nice.

Victoria as Aminta: (coming onstage) No thoughts within her head, but thoughts of joy!

No dreams within her heart, but dreams of love!

Tugger: She's an innocent, all right.

Passarino: Master?

Munk as Don Juan: Passarino, go away!

For the trap is set and waits for its prey...

(approaches Victoria from behind, sings loudly and suddenly, causing her to jump)

You have come here in pursuit of your deepest urge,

In pursuit of that wish which till now has been silent, silent...

Victoria: Yeah, so silent I didn't even know it was there. Still don't.

Delilah: Hush!

Don Juan: I have brought you that our passions may fuse and merge.

In your mind you've already succumbed to me,

Dropped all defenses, completely succumbed to me.

Now you are here with me, no second thoughts.

You've decided, decided...

Macavity: He is quite full of himself.

Sonia: Well, this is Don Juan we're listening to...

Don Juan: Past the point of no return, no backward glances.

The games we've played till now are at an end.

Tumble: Ah, so no more tiddly winks or spin the bottle, then.

Pounce: Yeah.

Don Juan: Past all point of "if" or "when", no use resisting.

Abandon thought and let the dream descend.

What raging fire shall flood the soul?

What rich desires unlock its door?

What sweet seduction lies before us?

Victoria: I'm not sure I want to know.

Don Juan: Past the point of no return, the final threshold.

What warm, unspoken secrets will we learn

Beyond the point of no return?

Aminta: You have brought me to that moment where words run dry,

To that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence...

Bomb: Which is just a fancy way of saying it's their first time and they don't know what to say to each other.

Demeter: Though I notice that they keep talking regardless…

Tugger: Hey, who needs words when body language works sooo well. (begins slowly rotating his hips)

Female kittens: Eeeeeee!

Bomb: Mrowr!

Rheow: (wolf whistles)

Delilah: Save it!

Aminta: I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why.

In my mind I've already imagined

Our bodies entwining, defenseless and silent.

Coricopat: Whoa! She doesn't sound so sweet and innocent now.

Aminta: (glaring at Cori) And now I am here with you, no second thoughts.

I've decided, decided...

Past the point of no return, no going back now.

Our passion-play has now, at last, begun.

Sonia: Passion-play?

Tom: Not that passion-play, Sonia.

Tantomile: What other kind of passion-play is there?

Delilah: (sighs) She's thinking of the Passion of Christ, which is the time between his betrayal and his death.

Tantomile: Ah...

Sonia: I know all about passion and the Passion, and this is something else again.

Victoria: Are we done with the bible lesson?

Sonia: For now...

Rheow: You know, it is ironic that she's the one with biblical knowledge and all that . . . was Sonia a Catholic schoolgirl?

Delilah: Considering the morals of some of the Catholic school students I've met, it wouldn't be too implausible…

Sonia: But no, there's another reason for it. You'll find out when we do Godspell.

Delilah: Sonj! You're getting as bad as Sam.

Sonia: Sorry, that slipped out. Won't happen again, I promise.

Delilah: See that it doesn't.

Aminta: Past all thought of right or wrong. One final question:

How long should we two wait before we're one?

Munkustrap: Impatient little minx, isn't she?

Gus: That's the young for you, always in a hurry...

Aminta: When will the blood begin to race,

The sleeping bud burst into bloom?

When will the flames at last consume us?

Tom: Nice imagery there.

Rheow: Erotic imagery, mind you . . .

Kittens: Really? How?

Rheow: Er . . . Cripes--I've got to take a powder. Ask some grown up cat to explain it!

Delilah: (as the kittens turn to her) Don't look to me for it. Find someone else and save it for the break.

Don Juan and Aminta: Past the point of no return, the final threshold.

The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn!

We've past the point of no return.

Munkustrap: (slipping out of the Don Juan character)

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.

Lead me, save me from my solitude.

Say you want me with you here beside you.

Anywhere you go let me go, too.

Victoria, that's all I ask of...

Exotica: On that note, Victoria calmly removes Munkustrap's mask, revealing his true identity to all present. The law cats close in on him, but he sweeps his cloak around Victoria and they vanish.

Mistoff: Courtesy of me.

Exotica: Then Etcetera pulls back the upstage curtain to show Tugger's body propped against a set piece. Chaos ensues.

Etc: (ear-drum-splitting scream) Tugger!

Tugger: Ow, Etcy! That was right in my ear.

Delilah: Shut it! You're supposed to be dead!

Tugger: Sorry. (slumps over)

Bomb: (running onstage) What is it? What has happened? (sees Tugger) Oh, Tugger!

Alonzo: Oh, Everlasting Cat!

Gus: We're ruined, Alonzo! Ruined!

Bomb: (in hysterics) Oh, my darling, my darling...who has done this? (rounds on Alonzo) You! Why did you let this happen?

Alonzo: Me?! Why am I the scapegoat?

Gus: (sneaking away) Because you're handy.

Exotica: Bombalurina breaks down in Alonzo's arms as Tugger's body is carried away. Meanwhile, Mungojerrie has just been accosted by a completely new character.

Cassandra: M. le Viscount, come with me!

Mungo: Why? 'Oo are you, anyway?

Samson: Really? I always thought she was a Turkish Angora.

Rheow: (poking her head back in) But she isn't even a long-hair! Griddlebone is!

Delilah: Look, regardless of what breed you may be, and that's up for debate, you are the most Asian-looking cat we have so you get the part.

Cass: (blandly) Yippee.

Demeter: But who is the Persian, anyway? Is it another character from the book?

Delilah: Yes. He, or in this case she, is someone from the Phantom's past, who has traced him to the opera house and has been keeping an eye on him. And that's all you need to know for now. Continue, please.

Mungo: But can I trust you?

Cass: If you want to save Victoria, then you must. I know Munkustrap better than anyone in Paris. I know all his secrets...

Munkustrap: Oh, is that soooo…

Delilah: Shush!

Cass: Most of them, anyway. But remember to hold your paw at the level of your eyes.

Mungo: Why?

Cass: Why? The Punjab lasso, dummy! Why do you think?

GRC: Maybe he doesn't.

Cass: (demonstrating) Like this, monsieur. Now come with me. Hurry, or we shall be too late!

Delilah: Okay, one more break then we'll finish the show.

(all cheer)

Admetus: (as the Cats head out) Hey, Sonia. Any chance of getting some more of that cheese cake?

Sonia: No problem. I've still got a couple in the fridge.

Pounce: With catnip in?

Sonia: Of course.

(all cheer again)

Delilah: I wish you'd go easy on that stuff, Sonj.

Sonia: I have my own source, so you needn't complain.

Delilah: (sighs) Just get them back here in twenty for the finale. Preferably not too badly 'nipped.