The Rocky Tugger Picture Show

Munkustrap: Of all the musicals we had to do, why this one?

Skimbleshanks: Who knew Matt would be a Rocky Horror fan?

Macavity: If he thinks I'm going to dress up like a female, he's got to be out of his mind. Remember how he tortured me LAST time?! That black hair dye stayed in there for five days!

Rumpleteazer: I sure do! *giggles*

Macavity: *scowls at Rumple*

Victoria: Shhh. Here he comes.

(Matt approaches the cats.)

Matt: So, gang, ready to go on?

All: (very unenthusiastically) Yes.

Matt: Well, I see you're all enthusiastic. So do this and do it right....or I could always...

All: Send us back to Veronikitty.

Mac: All right. Someone point me to the fishnets.

Tugger: I don't know why you're all wigging out. I kinda like my part in this one!

Bombalurina: 'Cause you get to show off, that's why.

Tugger: *I* knew that was the reason!

Jellylorum: At least YOU like your part. I don't know a thing about my part.

Matt: Relax, Jellylorum. The character of Janet is a nice, conservative girl.

Jelly: OK. I think I can live with that.

Mistoffelees: Thanks for bailing me out of this one!

Matt: Not really. You're our head techie. And we'll need you for one scene.

Misto: Drat. Why was I blessed with these singular magical powers?

Pouncival: To do the special effects for these parodies, of course!

Misto: Wise guy.

Matt: All right, enough jaw jacking! LET'S DO THIS!

*there is a blackout, and we see a pair of red lips at center stage. The lights go up, and it turns out to be Victoria, dressed in an usherette costume. She sings a song about science fiction movies, but due to the fact that there are way too many obscure references in here...we'll compress it.)

Victoria: Thank the Everlasting Cat!

(sings end of song)

Science fiction, double feature,

Doctor X will build a creature,

See androids fighting Brad and Janet,

Anne Francis stars in the Forbidden Planet,

Wo oh oh oh oh oh

at the late night double feature picture show,

I wanna go, oh oh oh

to the late night double feature picture show,

By RKO, oh oh oh,

to the late night double feature picture show,

in the back row,

oh oh oh

to the late night double feature picture show!

Victoria: I heard a GUY usually sings this.

Matt: Yeah, but Misto has the voice range for that song, and he's busy doing special effects.

Vic: Misto, I owe you one. *glares*

SCENE 2

(We see the exterior of a church in Cat-ton, Ohio. Ralph Hapskimble and Cassie Munroe have just tied the knot.)

ALL: Awwwww.

Victoria and Electra: Skimble and Cassie sitting in a tree...

Cassandra: *hisses at the kittens*

Matt: Come on, you guys are still on!

(All the cats are onstage, as we needed all of them to play Cat-tonians, Trannies, etc.)

Alonzo: Here they come!

(After the photographer--Quaxo--gets a group shot of the newlyweds and their family, Ralph talks to his best friend, Brad Munkus, and his fiancee, Jellnet Weiss.)

Jelly: JELLNET? I sound like an Internet Service Provider!

Munku: You should have my problems. This is the second parody in a row where I play a total nerd.

Jemima: That's because you are a total nerd.

Munku: What was that?!

Jemima: I said, "Look, a bird!"

Matt: *puts his head in his paws, and reaches for the Excedrin*

Skimble: I guess we finally did it, huh?

Munku: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Cassie have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Guscott's refresher courses.

Skimble: Well, to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason why I showed up in class.

Queens: Awwww.

Toms: *gag*

Cass: THIS FRIGGIN' BOUQUET'S HEAVY, CUT THE CHATTER AND LET ME THROW IT, HUH?!

Matt: No, Cassandra, you're supposed to say "OK you guys, this is it..."....someone get me some more Excedrin...!

Skimble: (puts fingers in ears, as they're still ringing) Well, er...Cassie's going to throw the bouquet...

(Cassie throws...or rather, shotputs the bouquet in the air.)

Jelly: I got it, I got it... (she's off by a few inches and the bouquet lands on her head)...OWWWW!

Skimble: (trying hard not to laugh at Jelly doubled over, clutching her head in pain) Hey big fella...looks like it could be your turn next, eh?

Munku: (also trying not to laugh) Who knows?

Jelly: I catch any of you laughing, you'll be doing the next parody in a body cast.

Cass: MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, TRAIN JOCKEY!

Skimble: (thrown off by Cassandra's improvisation) Well, er, so long, see you Brad, guess we better get going now Cassie. Come on. See ya, Brad! (under his breath) I am *NOT* a train jockey!

Jelly: (who is by now recovered from that nasty bump on her head) Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? Didn't Cassie look radiantly beautiful? I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old Cassie Munroe and now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapskimble.

Munku: Yes Jellnet, Ralph's a lucky guy.

Jelly: Yes.

Pounce: I always cry at weddings.

Carbucketty: You wuss.

Matt: That's not in the script...*throws script in the air* Oh well...

Munku: Uh, everyone knows that Cassie is a wonderful little cook.

Cass: Me? COOK?! Get real!

Jelly: Yes.

Munku: Why, Ralph himself, he'll be in line for a promotion in a year or two.

Jelly: Yes.

Jennyanydots: Man, these characters are as dull as Pollicles!

Munku: Hey Jellnet...

Jelly: Yes Brad?

Munku: I've got something to say.

Jelly: Uh huh.

Munku: I really love the...skillful way...you beat the other queens...to the bride's bouquet.

Tumblebrutus: More like "I really love the clumsy way...when upside your head landed...the bride's bouquet."

(The other toms laugh. Jellylorum hisses at them.)

Jelly: Oh Brad!

(The toms make gagging noises.)

Matt: Hush up...

Munku: (breaks into song. Grizabella, RUmpleteazer, and Rumpus Cat are his backup singers.)

Griz: I'M a backup singer?

Matt: Relax, you'll get some quality singing time soon.

Munku: The river was deep but I swam it

Griz, Rumple, Rumpus: Jellnet

Munku: The future is ours so let's plan it

Griz, Rumple, Rumpus: Jellnet

Munku: So please, don't tell me to can it

Griz, Rumple, Rumpus: Jellnet

Munku: I've one thing to say and that's...

Matt: PG rating, Munkustrap!

Munku: ...er, darnit, Jellnet, I love you...

(Anyhow, Munku has a second verse, but since the toms keep laughing at him, we'll have him take it to the bridge of the song.)

Munku: Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker

There's three ways that love can grow,

That's good bad or mediocre, oh J

E-L-N-E-T I love you so...

Matt: I knew I could make that fit.

Jelly: (sings)

It's nicer than Cassie Munroe had

Griz, Rumple, Rumpus: Oh Brad

Jelly: Now we're engaged and I'm so glad

Griz, Rumple, Rumpus: Oh Brad

Jelly: That you met Mom and you know Dad

Griz, Rumple, Rumpus: Oh Brad

Jelly: I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad for you too...

Gus: Young love. Such a tender thing...

Tumble: I dunno. You saw how the LAST married couple in this show went out, Gus.

(Anyway, the lyrics are starting to get a bit redundant, so let's fast forward a bit to the one thing our lovers want to do before they get hitched...see the teacher whose class they met in.)

Jelly: Oh Brad, I'm mad...

Munku: Darnit, Jellnet.

Munku & Jelly: I love yooooouuuuuu...

Backstage toms: *gag*

SCENE 3

(We cut to a study. Old Deuteronomy, a Criminologist, is sitting at a desk. Part of an old swivel chair is attached to his tire.)

Tumble: Man, Old Deuteronomy just lounges around while we do the dirty work.

Old D: You think I WANT to be in this crazy thing? At least I can just sit here and do my lines, then head out for coffee and a doughnut.

Matt: Er....not exactly, Old D. There's one part you do that requires some mobility. But I'm sure you can handle it.

Old D: Young whippersnapper. (gets into character)

I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Munkus and his fiancee Jellnet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy Jellicles, left Cat-ton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Guscott, ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, towards which they were driving...

Pounce: BOR-ING!

Carb: Speed this up, will ya?

Tumble: Yeah, Old D, ya move like molasses!

Old D: They may be smart-alecks, but they have a point. To make a long story short...

Other Cats: Too late.

OLD D: ...it was a night out they were going to remember...for a very long time.

SCENE 4

(Brad and Jellnet are driving on a deserted road. They hear an old speech from President Nixon on the radio...well, it's actually Misto disguising and throwing his voice. There's some more dialogue that, for time's sake, I won't add here... but needless to say, they get a flat tire.)

Quaxo: They should be lucky only THAT happened to them. I remember my cousin Toonces, he thought he could drive a car and...

Matt: I know. I've seen all the skits.

Quaxo: Skits? Those stories were all true!

(Anyway, Brad decides to go get help, and Jellnet decides to go with him, putting a newspaper over her head...)

All: Because CATS HATE WATER!

Matt: Uh-oh. Shoulda thought about that before I did this.

Munku: Why?

Matt: Er, never mind.

(Anyway, they saw a castle a few miles back, so they decide to go and get help...)

Munku: Don't we get a song here?

Matt: Oh yeah...

(In the interest of saving HTML space, they only sing the chorus)

Munku and Jelly: There's a light...

Demeter: Let's do it! (she holds up a laser pointer, and the other cats do the same)

Other Cats: Over at the Frankenstein place...

Munku and Jelly: There's a liiiiiight...

Other cats: Burning down this freakin' place...

Matt: NO! NO! NO! It's "Burning in the fireplace!"

Munku and Jelly: There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life.

Matt: Nice harmony, guys.

(Anyhow, they go to the castle, Old D does another narration which we'll skip...)

Carb: Because he takes his sweet time in saying his lines.

Matt: Thanks, Carbucketty.

(...anyway, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, they go to the castle for help, and are greeted by a hunchback butler with thinning, blond hair, Riff Rumpus).

Skimble: Wow, how'd you get the big guy to have a hump back?

Matt: Simple. That's a 5-pound sack of catnip in his shirt.

Skimble: But will he be able to perform?

Matt: I think so. Besides, I gave him some of it before the show, so he didn't object when I put the blond wig on him.

Jelly: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold, and I'm frightened.

Munku: Just a moment, Jellnet, they might have a phone.

Rumpus: Hello.

Matt (to other cats): Get ready. Everyone in their black and white outfits!

Pounce: I look like a member of a really corny wedding combo.

Vic: Yes, but Jellicle cats *are* supposed to be black and white...

Etcetera: This outfit does NOT go with my fur at all.

Electra: Jeez, it's only for one song.

Munku: Hi, my name is Brad Munkus, and this is my fiancee, Jellnet Weiss. I wonder if you might help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road...do you have a phone we might use?

Rumpus: You're wet.

Jelly: Yes, it's raining.

Jemi: Well, DUH.

Munku: Yes.

Rumpus: Yes...I think perhaps you better both come inside.

Jelly: You're too kind. Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Munku: Oh, it's probably some hunting lodge for rich weirdos...

Alonzo: ...like Bustopher.

Bustopher: I BEG YOUR PARDON!

Rumpus: This way.

Jelly: Are you having a party?

Rumpus: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Jelly: Oh, lucky him.

Misto: And lucky me, for doing the special effects for this weirdo fic.

(At Jelly's last line, a domestic in a French maid outfit, and lots of hair to boot, Magriza, slides down the bannister of the castle's staircase.)

Griz: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, WE'RE ALL LUCKY! Ha ha ha....MMRROOWWWRRRR!

Matt: What happened?

Griz: I've got a splinter the size of my tail in my rear end!

Jenny: Uh-oh. Better get the tweezers.

Jemi: At least she knows what I went through for "Cat Miserables"!

(Needless to say, Jennyanydots gets the splinter out of Grizzy's butt, and Rumpus Cat starts to sing the show's most memorable song.)

Griz: Memory, all alone in the mooonliiiight...

Matt: WRONG SHOW, GRIZ!

Griz: Sorry. Old habit.

Rumpus: (begins singing)

It's astounding

Time is fleeting

Madness takes its toll...

Alonzo: So has this fic, on us!

Rumpus: Can I continue with the big number, huh?

(resumes song)

But listen closely...

Griz: Not for very much longer...

Rumpus: I've got to keep control.

(voice goes up a few octaves, from goth band singer to heavy metal screamer)

I REMEMBER DOING THE TIME WARP

DRINKING THOSE MOMENTS WHEN

THE BLACKNESS WOULD HIT ME...

Rumpus and Griz: And a void would be calling...

(All the cats jump out, in black and white suits.)

All: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Old D: It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

Old D: With your hands on your hips

All: You bring your knees in tight

But it's being in this fic

That really drives us insaaaaane!

Matt: Those aren't the words!

All: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Griz: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me!

So you can't see me, no not at all.

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

Well secluded, I see all.

Rumpus: With a bit of a mind flip

Griz: We'll all do a line slip

Pounce: Well, you can say THAT again!

Griz: You're spaced out on sensation.

Rumpus: LIKE YOU'RE UNDER SEDATION!

All: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

(Riff-Rumpus and Magriza turn to a jukebox, where a groupie, Colrumplia, is sitting on top, with a spangled tuxedo on.)

Rumple: Well Oi was walkin' down the street, just 'avin' a think,

When this snaike of a goi gaive me an evil wink,

'E shook me up, 'e took me by surproise,

'E 'ad a pickup truck and the devil's oieyes,

'E stared at me and Oi felt a chainge

Toime meant nothin', never would again.

All: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

(Then, in a technique borrowed from Rita, the cat from Animaniacs, in the Rocky/Animaniacs parody, Colrumplia starts tap dancing on her claws. Naturally, she loses her balance, and falls.)

Skimble: Yikes! Is Rumpleteazer OK?

Coricopat: Yep. Bustopher Jones broke her fall.

Tantomile: Let's hope the fall didn't break Bustopher.

Matt: Get it back together, guys!

All: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

(Old Deuteronomy is supposed to jump on the desk for this refrain, but he's having a considerably hard time getting on the desk.)

Matt: For Pete's sakes, Coricopat, Tumblebrutus, push him up!

(The two cats do so.)

Old D: Aargh...it's just a jump to the left...

All: And then a step to the right...

Old D: With your hands on your hips...

All: You bring your knees in tight....

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insaaaaane...

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

(The song ends. Everyone collapses. Old Deuteronomy chills out on the Crim's desk for a few minutes then crawls back on his tire.)

(Silence. Once the cats revive themselves...)

Jelly: Brad, say something.

Munku: Say, do any of you guys know how to get to Madison?

Pounce: Does this guy know how to party or WHAT?

Demeter: Not really.

Pounce: I was only being sarcastic, Dem.

Demeter: Well, DUH!

(Anyway, while the couple is debating about whether to go or stay until they get to a phone, a VERY strange cat comes out of an elevator. He is a tom, but is wearing a large set of Woolworth pearls...)

Rumple: Courtesy of me n' Mungojerrie, of course...

(...has a dark black mane, which didn't wear out entirely from my last parody, and has more layers of makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker, and is wearing women's undergarments and fishnet stockings. It is the Master himself, Dr. Big Mac N. Furters.)

Mac: It would have been funnier if you kept the original name.

Matt: Just sing, will ya?

Mac: (sings)

How do you do, I

see you've met my

faithful handyman.

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked

He thought you were the candyman.

Don't get strung out by the way I look

Don't judge a book by its cover.

I'm not much of a tom by the light of day,

Toms: But by night he's one sick mother...

Jenny: Shut your mouths!

Pounce: We're just talking about Mac!

Matt: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG!

Mac: May I continue? I feel like a weirdo enough as it is.

(continues singing)

I'm just a sweet Transvestite

From transsexual Transylvania.

(After Time Warp, we need HTML space to finish this meshugganeh thing, so we'll cut to the end of this song.)

Mac: Why don't you stay for the night?

Rumpus: Night.

Mac: Or maybe a bite?

Rumple: Bite.

Mac: I could show you my favorite obsession.

I've been making a tom,

tan, with fur that's blond,

and he's good for relieving my....tension.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From transsexual Transylvania.

HIT IT, HIT IT!

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual Transylvania.

So--come up to the lab,

And see what's on the slab

I see you shiver with antici----

Other Cats: SAY IT!

Mac: ---pation.

But maybe the rain

Isn't really to blame.

So I'll remove the cause...

But not the symptom!

(Well, Jellnet and Brad are fairly freaked out at their host, but nonetheless they go up to his laboratory, where Big Mac N. Furters goes into a long speech which we won't go into...but he is going to unveil his creation. It turns out to be Rocky Tugger, a very muscular tom with dirty blonde hair and killer pectoral muscles.)

(The female kittens start screaming at the sight of a ripped, pumped-up Tugger.)

Matt: You guys aren't supposed to scream, only Macavity can do that!

Electra: We can't help ourselves! Eeeeeeeee!

All Female Kittens: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HE'S SOOOOOO HOT!

Mac: Oh, Rocky!

Tugger: (begins to sing)

The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,

And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread

Cori: I know how he feels...

Matt: DON'T SAY IT.

Tugger: (continues singing)

Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery,

OOOOOOOHHHH...

Female Kittens: EEEEEEEEE!

Matt: Females. Sheesh.

Tugger: (continues)

...can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed,

Other Cats: That ain't no crime!

Tugger: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

Other Cats: That ain't no crime!

Tugger: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go,

OOOOOOOHHHHH,

Female Kittens: EEEEEEEEEEEE!

Tugger: ...and all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer!

Mac: Oh, Rocky!

Female Kittens: OOOOHHH, TUGGER! SQUEEEEAAALLLLL!

(at this point, Mac chases Rocky Tugger around the lab...followed by all the female kittens, who squeal each time Tugger hits a high note for the remainder of the song.)

Mac: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.

Quaxo: Hah! He behaves like that if you let him in OR out!

All Toms: The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore...

Matt: Wrong song!

Mac: Oh, I just love success.

Rumpus: He's a credit to your genius, Master.

Mac: Yes.

Griz: A triumph of your will.

Mac: Yes.

Rumple: 'E's OK.

(Mac goes ballistic at this remark so he asks Brad and Jellnet what they think.)

Jelly: I don't like men with too many muscles.

Mac: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the Charles Meowtlas Seal of Approval!

(Mac does a really corny song about pumping his creation up...)

Jemi: Obviously he never heard of anabolic steroids.

Mac: (sings) In just seven days, I CAN MAKE YOU A MAAAAAAN!

(...when we suddenly hear a crash. It's the ex-delivery boy who shares a brain with Rocky Tugger, Mungoeddie, a greaser on a tricycle with baseball cards in the spokes, since we couldn't afford a real motorcycle.)

Rumple: MUNGOEDDIE!

Mungo: (sings)

Wha'ever 'appened to Saturday noight

When yeh dressed up sharp and ya felt allroight?

It daown't seem the same since cawsmic loight,

Came into me loife, Oi thought Oi wuz divoine...

(Since some of these lyrics could blow a PG rating, we'll cut to the chorus.)

Mungo (continuing):

'Ot patootie, bless me soul, Oi really luv that rawk n' roll!

(repeat 12 times. During the song, Mungoeddie dances and gets frisky with Colrumplia, and finally rides his...er, bike through the lab, to be stopped by Big Mac N. Furters. However, instead of Mac killing Mungo with an icepick, they get into a huge fight, with Mungo being hauled off the set by Plato and Coricopat.)

Veroni: (comes in and stares at the braul) Guess we couldn't call break too soon, huh?

Rumple: Foinally!

Mac: (claws drawn) Shucks... just when I was having fun too.

Mungo: Ya. Roight.... fun. (limps off)