Author: Hello? Anybody here? I can *see* you . . .

Munkustrap: (under his breath) I knew hiding wouldn't help.

Author: Of course it doesn't--I'm the *author*, we know such things, including all that whispering that goes on now and then--be afraid, be very afraid . . . (cackles) Anyhow, we gotta hustle, people! My vacation's ending!

Mistoffelees: Now wouldn't that be such a pity?

Where we left off last . . . The Slayer was having a discussion in the library with her Watcher . . .

"I don't want this job anymore!"

"But it's your destiny--you are the Chosen One!"

"No way, Jose!"

"You don't have much of a choice in that I'm afraid . . ." And much to Electra's disgust, music came out from nowhere and the librarian got up and started singing.

(Sung to "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.)

"Friday night and the lights are low,

Looking out for the place to go,

Where they play the right music,

Getting in the swing

You come in to look for the prey,

Anybody could be the monster,

Night is young and the music's high

With a bit of rock music, everything is fine

You're in the mood for the hunt

And when you get the chance...

You are the Slayer Queen, just sweet sixteen!

Slayer Queen, feel the heat of the chase!

You can fight! You can slay! Saving the world with your life!

See that Queen! Watch her slay!"

Macavity: I hate to admit it, but this is getting seriously scary . . . I mean, ABBA?

Author: Hey, they're good to spoof . . .

"Librarian dude--like does that happen often?" Electra asked when he had stopped.

"What?"

"The singing and prancing around."

"Errr--why, I hardly noticed! Most peculiar . . ." mused the librarian.

"That's what's wrong with this town! You guys can't even see what's in front of your noses!" Electra got up and stomped away. "I'm outta here!"

"But--"

Gus: The youngsters these days . . . never taking responsibility anymore . . .

Jellylorum: Yes, Gus, we know . . . Come on, it's time for your afternoon nap.

But there was someone else listening in to that conversation. Pouncival steps out from behind some bookshelves, looking totally clueless--as usual.

All: Dum da dum dump DAAAAAA!

Pouncival: Sheesh . . .

Fast forwards to night . . . Electra is rummaging through her closet, preparing to go out.

"I don't have anything thing to wear!"

Mac: And at this is when the camera normally pans to an overstuffed closet . . .

Author: Spoilsport . . .

Mac: It's a cliché!

"Sweetie, be careful, you don't know how dangerous this neighborhood is," Jellylorum cautioned.

"I'll be fine, Mom," Electra said. "Beside, it's not *me* who's gonna be worried about dark alleys . . ."

Electra: Boy, am I overconfident or what?

Electra was going to where the other young cats hung out in an attempt to conform to the standards of "normal adolescence". There was apparently nothing more fun than hanging out at the Tyre on Friday nights. Mainly cuz the Tyre was the only hip spot in this one-Galaxydollars-town. Naturally, things do not go as planned . . .

Pouncival: Do I have to do this? It's . . . untomly.

Author: Yes!

"Arrgghhhh! Help! Help!"

"Why is that whenever I walk past an alley, someone yells for help?" Electra muttered as she immediately ran to investigate. It was the hero-complex combined with the--

Pouncival: In English!

It was the result of being the hero--which requires said hero to run to anyone's aid whenever they yell, even for papercuts--coupled with the Slayer-trained reflexes that would cause one to run towards the nearest source of trouble--

Pouncival: Forget I even said anything!

Predictably, it was a Pollicle attacking some poor souls. For the sake of continuity and to introduce new characters into the game, the victims *had* to be Pouncival and Jemima.

"Hey ugly, pick on someone your own size!"

"What? You?" scoffed the Pollicle (who was actually *insert any tom's name here* wearing a shoebox on his head)

By then of course, Electra had distracted the Pollicle for long enough to stick a sharp pointy stick--which she conveniently had been carrying in her purse--into his heart.

"Urkgggle," said the Pollicle and died. But as it was already dead to begin with, it couldn't have died--

"I'm going to push aside this useless discussion in favor of asking why it didn't turn to dust," said Electra.

Author: Our budget doesn't cover those nifty dust explosions.

Meanwhile, Jemima and Pouncival were shocked. "D-d-d-did we just see what we just saw?"

"No, you saw the ghost of Elvis! There are Pollicles in this town and no one notices the missing cats at all?"

"Come to think of it, the "In Memorum" section of the yearbook are awfully long . . ."

"Hey, I hear to talkin' to the librarian dude today--something about being a Slayer?"

"Didn't your mother teach you not to eavesdrop?"

"Didn't your mother send you for therapy for thinking that you're a Slayer?"

"And what was that?" Electra asked, pointing to the technically not dead Pollicle.

"Well that kinda blows a hole through the theory that you're mad," Pouncival said sheepishly.

"Or it means that we're all going mad," said Jemima, still partially in denial cuz that's the way the mind works to blank out the unpleasant bits of life.

"That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

Nothing draws cats together like the shared experience of Pollicle slaying--

Rumpleteazer: I 'eard catnip did the same thing . . . only it twasn't so *dangerous*.

--So soon enough, Pouncival and Jemima began hanging around our Slayer as it was a kind of insanity that kept them sane. Needless to say, they didn't have much of a life.

Jemima & Pouncival: We resent that statement!

As there was a bad case of Pollicles in the town and the Slayer had something called a conscience--

Electra: Times like this, I wish I didn’t . . .

--Electra had to get back into the slaying loop. Which made Munkustrap one very relieved Watcher cuz the town had more problems than just Pollicles. In fact, it was sitting right on top of (dramatic music) a big gate that lead to this very warm place where all manner of yucky thingies lived.

Alonzo: You could have summed it up in *one* word . . .

Author: It lacked drama.

Turning back to the villains (who are somehow much more fun to watch than the teeny-boppers) . . .

"Tugger sweetums?" Bomba said from where they were watching TV in their warehouse headquarters (villains always have a warehouse headquarters, don't ask why)

"Yes Bomba luv?"

"I'm hungry . . ."

"Whatever my lovely duckling wants--let's go out and scare up some supper!"

"You're so romantic!" Bombalurina squealed as Tugger lifted her up and they had a PG Kodak Moment.

Etcetera: Ewwwwww . . .

Tugger: Uhhhffff--can I put Bomba down now?

Author: Yeah, you got to get ready for another scene later on . . .

Cut back to the Slayer and her little buddies . . .

"Hey Pounci! Whaddaya do with a big green, slimy monster?"

"I dunno--what do you do with a big green, slimy monster?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out!" Electra yelled from where she was battling a big green slimy monster--just another one of the many charming visitors to Junkyard.

"Could you finish off the big green, slimy monster quick? Cuz I think I see Pollicles!" Jemima warned.

Our heroes might have been goners right then--

All: *But*--

--But suddenly someone stepped out of the shadows and held up a paperback menacingly.

Mac: How does one hold up a *paperback* menacingly?

"Yarrggggh! It's an Anne Rice novel!" the Pollicles yelled and ran off.

Electra got rid of the big green, slimy monster just then and turned to face their rescuer.

"You scared them off with a goth vamp novel?"

"Normally, people would say *thanks* but yeah, I scared them off with a goth vamp novel--not just any goth vamp novel but *Unpronounceable-Name the Devil*," said the black and white cat.

Misto: I got dragged into this somehow . . .

"Extreme, man!" Pouncival said in awe. "You actually read that book!"

"It was very painful in the beginning, but I read it and it's a pretty good defense against the supernatural forces of darkness . . ."

Demeter: Because even the supernatural forces of darkness couldn't stand up to a really incomprehensible goth novel?

Author: Something like that, yeah . . .

From then on, the black and white cat called Mistoffelees popped up whenever they needed any help in getting rid of monsters. He was good at sneaking around and only appeared at night for some reason. In accordance with the laws of TV, Electra and Misto had *feelings* for each other.

All: Feeeeellllinnnngs, whoa-ho-oh feeeeeeelllinnnngs . . .

"Why don't you ever tell me where you live?"

"My place is an awful mess right now--not fit for visitors, nosireee!"

"And why don't you ever tell me more about yourself?"

Misto sigh. "Electra you wouldn't understand . . ."

"Dang straight, I don't!" Electra said and stormed off in a huff.

"Electra--wait! Oh heck . . ."

Extremely angry, our heroine went to the mall to cool off . . . And walked in on--

Bomb: Jelly and Jenny at the cream?

Jelly and Jenny: Young lady!

Bomb: Hey, the humor was at an all time low anyhow . . .

--And walked in on Tugger and Bomba having mall food.

"Excuse me, we're trying to have a romantic dinner here?"

"Sorry, but no can do--this isn't personal, really," Electra said. "Besides, I've got some stake for you guys."

Munku: You-you actually used that kind of joke!

All: *Gasp*!

Author: Awww shuddap!

After scraping a bit and finishing off several brainless henchcats--

Tugger: We got henchcats? Cool . . .

Mac: I have lots to spare.

Author: Huh? Where?

Mac: The power of imagination. In any fic, I normally have an army of brainless henchcats who follow me for some reason or other.

Author: Oh. I thought it was *rats*.

Mac: Them too.

--the main villains were still alive. (Technically untrue, of course.)

"Hang on! You're the bad guys, I'm the good guy--why aren't you dead yet?" Electra asked. "And how come you don't have shoeboxes?"

"Cuz we have an amazing ability to look good in black leather! And shoeboxes are so last week! But mainly cuz the author thinks we're hot!" And--surprise, surprise--Tugger started singing.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my leopard-print shirt,

So sexy it hurts--

And I'm too sexy for my pants, too sexy for these really tight pants!

The way I'm disco-dancing--yeah!"

(Sung to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred)

Munkustrap: Uhhh, we're running short of time here--

Tugger: But I wanna finish the song!

Demeter: You're having entirely too much fun doing this, aren't you?

Tugger: Can I help it that I'm hot?

Author: Break it up guys, we have to finish this scene . . .

"And the point of all this song-and-dance was what?" Electra asked, stifling a yawn.

"It's an excuse for the Author to have everyone imagine Tugger singing *I'm Too Sexy* in tight pants," Bomba said. "And don't you even think of touching him! He's mine!"

"Possessive much?" Electra asked before the fight got underway again. Because good villains were so hard to find, Tugger and Bomba got away, so that they could come back and fight another day.

Author: Hey, that rhymes!

All: Duh!

Alonzo: Whoop-de-do--just look at the time!

Author: I suppose we could call Galaxydollars again . . .

All: And they'd better not forget the extra cream like the last time!