(It's another beautiful day at the Jellicle junkyard. Matt and Juliet are slaving away building sets--a mansion and a beach setting, while the other cats are not helping them out as usual, like the slackers they are...)

MISTOFFOLEES: Sheesh, another Rodgers & Hammerstein parody? I'm getting a bit sick of these sappy old musicals.

MUNKUSTRAP: You're just saying that because you don't have a lead. My agent and Matt had a long talk, and let's just say through his powers of persuasion, Matt gave me the lead.

ALONZO: Even though he was going to give it to you anyway.

GRIZABELLA: I'm just glad the guy talked to Matt in person, instead of interrupting me while I was singing this time. (glares at Munkustrap)

MUNK: Awww, Griz, do you HAVE to keep holding that against me?! I've still got the scar from your buddy Juliet's little outburst.

MATT: OK, guys, everybody in your military, islander, or nurse costumes! (Macavity tries to slip by, hoping he won't be noticed, but he is) That means you too, Macavity!

DEMETER: Let me get this straight--MACAVITY is playing a U.S. serviceman?

MATT: Well, since there are no real "bad guys" visible in this play, they're only referred to, and since we only have 37 cats...yes.

DEM: Jeez, why don't you just let Saddam Hussein join the U.S. Army while you're at it?!

CASSANDRA: And by the way, you don't have 37 cats anymore...you now have 124! My family had so much fun during "The Tom and I" and "Bomby and the Beast" that they've graciously offered to return for this parody as extras.

MATT: Oh boy. Here we go again.

FORTUNE: I wanna sing "Happy Talk"!

GRIZ: Don't even try it, half-pint.

POUNCIVAL: Where have I heard that before?

MATT: OK, let's cut the chit-chat and start the show!

(The show begins as we see a large mansion in the middle of a tropical island in the South Pacific...)

POUNCE: Wow. Talk about redundant narrations. You would think we already knew where the show took place, but nooooo, you have to hammer it in our skulls like we're stupid or something...

MATT: POUNCIVAL! Let me finish!

(...and two young kittens, Jemgana and Quaxome are playing on a terrace. They are soon called inside by the steward of the house, played by Victor, and soon, the house's owner and a guest come in. These cats are French planter Emile de Munk and Ensign Demmie Forbush. They are admiring flowers as they walk on stage...)

DEM: What's this one?

MUNKU: This is frangipani.

DEM: But what a color!

MUNK: You will find many more flowers out here.

(Demmie looks around, while Emile requests to his steward that he serves the coffee. Demmie is overwhelmed by her surroundings...)

DEM: Well, I'm just speechless! And that lunch! Wild chicken...I didn't know it was ever wild. Gosh! I had no idea people lived like this right out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(After some more dialogue...Demmie tels Emile about her upbringing...)

DEM: All right, I'm a hick. You know so many American words, do you know what a hick is?

POUNCE: What we all were forced to play in "Oklahomeow!".

MUNKU: (hisses at Pouncival, and continues) A hick is one who lives in a stick.

DEM: Sticks. Plural. The sticks.

MUNKU: Pardon. The sticks. I remember now.

GUS: At least someone remembers something, Skimbleshanks!

MUNKU: Er, Gus...I'm Munkustrap.

GUS: I know who you are, Tugger!

DEM: How long did it take you to build up a plantation like this?

MUNKU: I came to the Pacific when I was a young tom.

DEM: Emile, is it true that all the planters on these islands...are they all running away from something?

TUMBLEBRUTUS: I don't know about the planters, but us cats wish we could run away from the lunatics who call themselves directors.

MATT: Hey, I resemble that remark!

MUNKU: Who is not running away from something? There are fugitives everywhere...Paris, New York, even in Small Rock...where you come from.

DEM: Oh, Little Rock!

MUNKU: Little Rock!...you know fugitives there?

(So anyway, Demmie shows Emile a picture of herself as well as a very flattering article about her from her hometown. She then sings a song about how optimistic she is despite what everyone else thinks about the ways of the world...)

DEM: (sings) When the sky is a bright canary yellow

I forget every cloud I've ever seen

So they call me a cockeyed optimist

Immature and incurably green!

I have heard cats rant and rave and bellow

That we're done and we might as well be dead

But I'm only a cockeyed optimist

And I can't get it into my head.

I hear the Jellicle race is falling on its face...

CORICOPAT: I don't know about us falling on our faces, but this parody is definitely going to blow up in Matt's face...at least I predict it will.

DEM: (hisses at Coricopat and continues)...And hasn't very far to go

But every whippoorwill is selling me a bill

And telling me it just ain't so!

(stops singing) OK, I've had it! (motions backstage, where the other cats are rolling around on the ground, laughing) They're all making fun of me!

TUGGER: Oh, Demeter, quit being so paranoid! We're not making fun of you!

BOMBALURINA: Nope! *HA!* We're making fun of the song you're singing!

GEORGE: I haven't laughed this hard since Munkustrap sang "Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin'" in "Oklahomeow"!

POUNCE: I don't know whether to laugh at Demeter or the corny lyrics she's singing!

MATT: Don't worry about them, Demeter. Just finish the song.

DEM: Fine, fine... (gets back into character and sings)

I could say life is just a bowl of Jell-O

And appear more intelligent and smart

But I'm stuck like a dope

With a thing called hope

And I can't get it out of my heart...Not this heart!

(speaks again)

Want to know anything else about me?

PLATO: Yeah, now that I think about it...how the heck did you get roped into playing this corny part?

MUNKU: (hisses at Plato and speaks) Yes. You say you are a fugitive. When you joined the Navy, what were you running away from?

DEM: Gosh, I don't know. It was more like running to something. I wanted to see what the world was like--outside Little Rock, I mean. And I wanted to meet different kinds of cats and find out if I like them better. And I'm finding out.

MUNKU: Would you like some cognac?

DEM: I'd love some.

MATT: Oh boy. Here we go again with the drunk cats.

(While Emile pours the drink, he and Demmie begin to sing...but not to each other.)

JEMIMA: Okee, and the reason for that is?

MATT: Because when this show first opened, Mary Martin and Ezio Pinza's egos were so big that they each wanted their own solo. Now I can't speak for Demeter, but if I know Munkustrap, he's happy with this one, since he's our newest diva.

MUNKU: Darn right!

DEM: (sings)

Wonder how I'd feel

Living on a hillside

Looking on an ocean

Beautiful and still

MUNKU: This is what I need

This is what I've longed for

Someone young and smiling

Climbing up my hill!

DEM: We are not alike

Probably I'd bore him

He's a cultured Frenchtom

I'm a little hick

MUNKU: Younger toms than I

Officers and doctors

Probably pursue her

She could have her pick

DEM: Wonder why I feel

Jittery and jumpy

I am like a schoolqueen

Waiting for a dance

MUNKU: (approaches Demmie with two filled glasses of brandy)

Can I ask her now?

I am like a schooltom!

What will be her answer?

Do I have a chance?

POUNCE: Oh, for the love of the Everlasting Cat! Just hook up already so we can all get out of here!

MATT: Just leave it to Pouncival to spoil a touching parody moment.

SKIMBLESHANKS: (sings) This is the moment...

MATT: Skimble, that's the wrong song, no? And besides, your character is coming in soon! Get ready! GOGOGOGOGO!

JULIE: Sheesh, Matt, lay off the caffeine.

(So anyway, there's more lovey-dovey dialogue, and Emile flashes back to when he first saw Demmie, at an Officer's Club dinner, and sings to her...)

JULIE: If anyone says anything during this song, I will personally wring your neck!

MUNKU: (sings) Some enchanted evening

You may see a stranger

You may see a stranger

Across a crowded room

And somehow you know

You know even then

That somewhere you'll see her again and again.

Some enchanted evening

Someone may be laughing

You may hear her laughing

Across a crowded room

And night after night

As strange as it seems

The sound of her laughter will sing in your dreams.

Who can explain it?

Who can tell you why?

Fools give you reasons

Wise men never try

Some enchanted evening

When you find your true love

When you feel her call you

Across a crowded room

Then fly to her side

And make her your own

Or all through your life you may dream all alone...

Once you have found her

Never let her go.

Once you have found her

(takes a deep breath) NEEEEEEVEEEEERRRR LEEEEET HEEEER GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(on that last long note, we hear glass shatter)

BUSTOPHER: Oh well, at least it's been a while since my monocle broke.

MUNKU: (gasps for air)

TUGGER: Smash-up job, Munkustrap.

MUNKU: (squeaks in annoyance)

(Anyways, Demmie's jeep arrives to take her back to the hospital, and Emile de Munk tells her why he left France, because he killed a bully of a tom. However, she is so much in love with him that she doesn't care.)

JENNYANYDOTS: OK, does anyone else see anything wrong with that picture? This guy kills another guy, and this queen who barely knows him is OK with that. Now I see how some of the relationships on the daytime TV talk shows happen!

BOMB: Jeez, Jen, you sure know how to suck the romance out of a play!

JENNY: It's a gift.

(Anyhoo, so Munkustrap can recover from that long last note, we go to the next scene. We're in a small part of the island occupied by a group of Seabees, sailors, Marines, and other military cats. They begin to sing...)

TOMS: Bloody Grizzy is the queen I love,

Bloody Grizzy is the queen I love,

Bloody Grizzy is the queen I love

Now ain't that too darn bad!

Her fur is as tender as DiMaggio's glove

Her fur is as tender as DiMaggio's glove

Her fur is as tender as DiMaggio's glove

Now ain't that too darn bad!

JULIE: HEY! Watch what you say about Griz!

MATT: It's in the script, Juliet. You know I have the highest amount of respect for Grizabella.

JULIE: You better.

(Bloody Grizzy is then revealed, she has been hidden during the song by two of the toms. She wears leftover military clothing, and lets out a very shrill laugh.)

GRIZ: Hallo, G.I.! (holds up a grass skirt) Grass skirt? Very saxy! Four dollar? Sexy grass skirt. Four dollar! Send home Chicago. You like? You buy?...Where you go? Come back! Cheapskate! Crummy G.I.! Sadsack! Droopy-drawers!

(A Marine--Cassandra's teenage nephew Raoul--addresses her)

RAOUL: Tell 'em good, Grizzy!

GRIZ: What is good?

RAOUL: Tell him he's a stingy bas--

JELLYLORUM: Okee, no need to cuss. I've seen Griz in her dressing room, she already cusses like a sailor when she's mad, no need for her to do it on stage. You toms just reprise the song again. It helps...

ALL: BUT NOT MUCH!

TOMS: Bloody Grizzy's chewing betel nuts,

She is always chewing betel nuts

Bloody Grizzy's chewing betel nuts

And she don't use Pepsodent...

(Bloody Grizzy grins)

TOMS: Now ain't that too darn bad!

VERONI: What? That it's time for the regularly-scheduled HTML break? If you feel THAT passionate about it, I GUESS we could keep going but--

CATS: ONE SIDE!!!

POUNCE: (wading through Cassandra's relatives) Pardon! One side! Scusi! Oh, forgive me. HEY! Watch where you're going buster!

BUSTER: That kitten is downright rude Cousin Cassandra!

CASS: Rude and Pouncival are like the same word. Get used to it.