(Munkustrap is talking with a very slick-looking cat, who is holding a cell phone and drinking a martini. This is his agent, Noilly Prat.)

NOILLY PRAT: So, Munk, babe, sweetie, how are things goin' on the set?

MUNKU: Just fine, Noilly. Matt had me sing all of "Some Enchanted Evening" as per our little agreement. And he pretty much made it iron-clad that I'll have a prominent male lead in the next one, and that I won't have to sing at the same time as Grizabella...

NP: I knew my little powers of persuasion could work, babe. (notices Juliet, who is walking past them.) 'Scuse me. (walks over to Juliet) So, babe, where have you been all my life? Wanna make some kittens together?

JULIE: Uh, no. I'm currently exercising a "no dating sleazeball agents who interrupt my lovely Grizabella with phone calls to clients" clause in my contract.

NP: Wow, beautiful and she speaks Hollywood! I think I'm in love!

JULIE: Hey Griz, come here. This is Munkustrap's agent, Noilly Prat.

GRIZ: So YOU'RE the one who interrupted my song during "The Tom and I" with that call to Munkustrap? Oh, you really !@#*&! me off there, you #@*&!@!!!

(Matt notices the commotion. He, the Tugger, Alonzo, and the Rumpus Cat approach Noilly Prat.)

MATT: (to Noilly Prat) Go on, get out of here! Scram!

NP: HEY! As Munkustrap's agent, I have a right to appear on the set of any parody he appears in!

ALONZO: Wait a minute, you're that shady agent who's pretty much inflated Munkustrap's ego! GET OUTTA HERE!

TUGGER: Yeah, if anyone's going to torment Juliet, it's gonna be me! DON'T TAKE MY JOB!

(Matt, Alonzo, Tugger, and Rumpus Cat chase Noilly Prat off.)

MUNKU: What gives? He's my agent! You chase him off and you keep Juliet around? UNFAIR!

MATT: Yeah, but Juliet makes herself USEFUL! Noilly Prat doesn't! But you've got a point. Noilly can stay...but his cell phone has to go! (he whisks Noilly's cell phone away. Noilly, however, whips out another cell phone.)

MATT: Rumpus Cat, if you please?

(The Rumpus Cat, fresh from his recovery from his startrap incident in "Fur", takes Noilly's second cell phone, and throws it. It lands a good 50 feet away.)

(Anyhow, when we last left off, Captain Bustett, Commander Rumpuson, and Lt. Skimble have talked Demmie Forbush into spying on her lover, Emile de Munk, for a military operation. After this she has collected her mail and is reading a letter. Lt. Skimble notices her.)

SKIMBLE: Letter from home?

DEM: Yes. Do you get letters from your mother, telling you that everything you do is wrong?

SKIMBLE: No. My mother thinks everything I do is right...of course, I don't tell her everything I do.

CET: You mean like the time he and Jellylorum...

JELLY: YOUNG LADY! How did you find out about that?

CET: Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer saw the whole thing.

MUNGO: 'Ey Rumple, Oi think we got other places to be 'bout naow...

RUMPLE: Uh, yeah...Oi got a part in the next number...

(they scamper off, Jellylorum chasing them)

DEM: (trying her best to ignore the chase scene going on behind her) My mother's so prejudiced.

SKIMBLE: Against Frenchtoms?

DEM: Against anyone outside of Little Rock. She makes a big thing out of two cats having different backgrounds.

SKIMBLE: Ages?

DEM: Oh no. Mother says older toms are better for queens than younger toms.

GUS: Darn right!

BUSTOPHER: Precisely!

JENNY: Uh, Bustopher...you're MY tom. Don't forget that!

BUSTOPHER: Sorry, darling!

(Anyhow, they talk more about this and Demmie crumples the letter from her mother, but reads it again after Skimble leaves. There is a blackout as we go to the next scene. It seems as if our friend Tugger Billis is running a bath club, using a homemade shower. A nurse--played by Victoria--is inside...)

VICKY: THAT'S IT! I'm not goin' in that thing!

MATT: Relax, Victoria. There's no water in that thing.

SKIMBLE: Unlike the theater we did "Sunset Meow-levard" in...

VICKY: Are you SURE? No surprises? No leaks? No puddles?

MATT: CHILL OUT, VICTORIA! We're OUTSIDE! What could happen?

MISTO: Well, the weather forecast said it was going to rain...

VICKY: AAAAHHHHH!

MISTO: I'm only kidding. Sheesh! Some cats just can't take a joke!

(So Tugger enters, walking in right on the nurse taking her shower...)

TUGGER: Oh, I thought Miss Forbush was here. I brought some hot water for her. (he pretends to pour water in the tank, so he doesn't freak Victoria out. Demmie enters soon after.)

DEM: Hello, Tugger.

TUGGER: Hello, Miss Forbush. I brought some hot water for you.

DEM: Thanks. It'll do me a lot of good to get some of this sand out of my fur.

(Anyway, she jumps in the shower, and the other nurse carries on a conversation with Demmie...)

VICKY: What'd he want?

DEM: Huh?

VICKY: What'd he want?

DEM: Who?

VICKY: Lard...(notices Bustopher getting red in the face and quickly says the right line)...er, Iron Belly.

DEM: Captain Bustett? Oh, nothing...nothing important. SOmething about the Thanksgiving show.

(Another nurse overhears.)

BOMB: Then what's the trouble, Knucklehead?

DEM: Huh?

BOMB: I said, what's the trouble?

DEM: Oh, nothing. There's not going to be any trouble any more because I've made up my mind about one thing. It's all off.

(Yet ANOTHER nurse hears this.)

CET: With him?

DEM: Uh-huh. I'm going to break it off clean before it's too late...

(So what does she do? SHE SINGS ABOUT IT!)

JENNY: And this is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE SHOWTUNE EVER, so if any of you toms groan during it, Juliet has graciously lent me her pinking shears!

DEM: (sings) I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

And send him on his way!

Get the picture?

I'm gonna wave that tom right outta my paws

I'm gonna wave that tom right outta my paws

I'm gonna wave that tom right outta my paws

And send him on his way!

(Jennyanydots is tap-dancing to the song backstage.)

ALONZO: Wouldn't we have someone insert a smart crack right now?

POUNCE: Only if you want Jennyanydots to perform the "Do-It-Yourself" Neutering Method on you.

ALONZO: Uh, never mind.

DEM: (continues) Don't try to patch it up

NURSES: Tear it up, tear it up!

DEM: Wash him out, dry him out...

NURSES: Push him out, fly him out

DEM: Cancel him and let him go

NURSES (on stage) & JENNY (backstage): YEAH SISTER!

ALL: I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

And send him on his way!

(You get the idea, right? Anyhow, Emile just happens to be walking past during the song and ultimately notices Demmie...)

DEM: Hello!

MUNKU: Hello...that song...is it a new American song?

DEM: It's an American type song. We were kind of putting in our own words. Where is everybody?

POUNCE: Deciding who goes to the liquor store for our post-parody booze-up!

ADMETUS: I'm telling you, Pouncival...I went the last four times, I'm not going this time!

MUNKU: It is strange with your American songs. In all of them one is either desirous to get rid of one's lover, or one weeps for a tom one cannot have.

CET: (staring at Tugger, who's backstage drinking a Coke) You know it, baby!

DEM: That's right.

MUNKU: I like a song that says "I love you and you love me..."

BACKSTAGE CATS: We're a happy family

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you

Won't you say you love me too?

MATT: NO BARNEY REFERENCES ALLOWED HERE! AUGH! (reaches for the Excedrin)

MUNKU: (hisses at the backstage cats and continues)...And isn't that fine?

DEM: Yes...that's fine.

MUNKU: I left a note for you at the hospital. It was to ask you to my home for dinner next Friday.

DEM: Well, I don't think I'll be able to come, Emile, I...

MUNKU: I have asked all my friends. The planters' colony.

DEM: A big party. Well then, if I can't come, you won't miss me.

MUNKU: But it is for you! It is for my friends to meet you, and more important, for you to meet them, to give you an idea of what your life would be like here. I want you to know more about me...how I live and think...

DEM: (remembering she has to "spy" on him) More about you?

MUNKU: Yes. You know very little about me.

NP: Anything about my client will be included in his press release.

MATT: Watch it, Noilly. You're treading on thin ice here.

NP: I understand that, but did you have to have those three henchcats of yours watching me?

MAC: Those are my henchcats, I don't think you all have been introduced... (motions to each of the henchcats) this is Knuckles, this is Nunzio, and of course, there's Big Vito. Matt wanted them to guard you so if you interrupted the parody, they could take you to my lair, where you would receive great physical and mental anguish.

NP: Mac, sweetie, baby, I'm from LA! We dish out enough mental anguish to aspiring actors out there! Your methods are a cakewalk compared to ours!

BIG VITO: Hey Boss, can we beat him up now?

MAC: Who am I to refuse a good beating?

BIG VITO: Thanks, Boss! (the three henchcats proceed to swipe at Noilly Prat)

MATT: Can we get back to the parody, please?

DEM: (Still in character, ignoring the Mafia-style beating going on backstage) That's right! Would you sit down? (Emile sits) Do you think about politics much? And if so, what do you think about politics?

MUNKU: Do you mean my political philosophy?

SKIMBLE: HAKUNA MATATA! What a wonderful phrase...

MATT: POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY, not PROBLEM FREE PHILOSOPHY!

DEM: I think that's what I mean.

MUNKU: Well, to begin with, I believe in the free life...in freedom for everyone.

DEM: Like in the Declaration of Independence?

MUNKU: C'est ca. All cats are created equal, isn't it?

DEM: Emile! You really believe that?

MUNKU: Yes.

DEM: Well, thank goodness!

MUNKU: It is why I am here...why I killed a tom.

(Anyhow, there's some more LONG dialogue here...to sum it up, a mean tom came to Emile's village in France and acted like he owned the place, and bullied people around...so Emile punched him, but his head hit a stone and killed him...so he went to the island to hide. Anyhoo, the couple reaffirms their love after this whole hoo-ha, and Demmie agrees to come to his party...and her friends hear this whole dialogue...)

BOMB: Well, she sure washed him out of her fur!

(So Demmie sings a song reaffirming her love for Emile, we'll cut to the end for time's sake...)

DEM: (sings) I'm as corny as Kansas in August...

POUNCE: Much like this play?

DEM: (continues) High as a flag on the Fourth of July!

CORI: Like we were in "Fur"...

DEM: (hisses and continues) If you'll excuse...

TUMBLE: Uh, OK, but I didn't hear you burp!

DEM: (drawing her claws and continues) An expression I use,

I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love,

I'M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL GUY!

(breaks character, and glares at Pouncival, Coricopat, and Tumblebrutus) You guys are so dead after this show.

POUNCE, CORI & TUMBLE: Eep.

(So there's another short scene where Emile goes to Bustett, Rumpuson, and Skimble and tells them he'll volunteer for their military operation, and then Bustett and Rumpuson tell the Lieutenant to take a boat and take some time off...so he and Tugger Billis end up going to Bali Ha'i after all...where Bloody Grizzy introduces Lt. Skimble to her young daughter, Cassiat. The two of them fall in love, and Skimble sings to her. For time's sake, we'll join him in mid-song...)

ALL: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

SKIMBLE: (hisses and sings) Younger than springtime are you,

Softer than starlight are you,

Warmer than winds of June are the gentle lips you gave me,

Gayer than laughter are you,

Sweeter than music are you,

Angel and lover, Heavyside and earth are you to me

And when your youth and joy invade my paws

And fill my heart as now they do

Then,

Younger than springtime am I...

Gayer than laughter am I...

(Well, he hears laughter all right...from the backstage toms...)

SKIMBLE: Excuse me. I have to go throttle a few impudent toms.

CASS: Way to spoil a romantic moment, you losers.

POUNCE: We couldn't help it. That has to be THE corniest song I have EVER heard!

TUMBLE: We're *snicker* sorry!

(So anyhow, Skimble and Billis make it back from Bali Ha'i, meanwhile, Emile and Demmie are saying goodbye to their party guests and then when they're alone, pledge their love yet again...)

ALL: Awwwww.

(...and then Emile decides to surprise his love...)

MUNKU: Demmie, I have a surprise for you. You sit over there--something that I have been preparing for two days. Close your eyes. No peeking.

(he grabs Demmie's coat and throws it over his head, imitating her performance from a few scenes ago)

MUNKU: (sings) I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur...

DEM: Oh no! No! (she starts laughing)

MUNKU: I'm gonna wash that tom right outta my fur

And send him on his way...

NP: Okee, I'm pulling the plug on this one. My client did not expect a scene in which he makes a complete fool out of himself.

MATT: Knuckles? Nunzio? Big Vito?

(Macavity's three henchcats start going to town on Noilly Prat again)

RUMPUS: Wow, those three are wailing on him! How come such vicious attacks?

MATT: Because I REALLY can't stand Noilly Prat. And also because he hit on Juliet. Griz requested the beating for that one.

(So anyway, Emile's two kittens, Jemgana and Quaxome, come down, and Emile says he is their father and their mother was a Polynesian cat who died years ago. Demmie can't take this and runs off, leaving Emile confused and lonesome.)

MUNKU: (sings) Once you have found her

Never let her go.

Once you have found her

NEVER LET HER GOOOOO!

MATT: Easy on the ears, Munkustrap!

*END OF ACT 1*