How to Succeed in Business Without Ever Putting Forth Any Effort, But Somehow Rising to the Top Anyhoo

Misto: Great.. leave it up to Veroni to make an already long title EVEN LONGER!

Veroni: I couldn't think up a good parody title so I figured I had to try some other kind of gimmic.

Bustopher: Veroni, I really must speak with you about the name of my character. I mean, Biggley? Does that name really suit me? Come now!

Cats: (stare at him and nod a slow 'yes')

Veroni: The jury has spoken. Well, not 'spoken' as in actually uttered words, but--

Tugger: You're babbling again.

Veroni: Sorry.

Skimble: Let me get this right.. we're at your school auditorium because--?

Veroni: Because everything we're going to need is here for us... this is the show I'M in in about two months and all the sets, costumes and makeup are right here for us!

Munku: Your director let you in here?

Veroni: We-ell, 'let' is a bit of a strong word to use---

Skimble: She broke in on a weekend that everyone has off.

Veroni: Once again, you boil a very complex and unique situation down to its simplest form. I'm only *borrowing* the auditorium for the weekend.

Munku: So where are the costumes?

Veroni: In the back room in garment bags, but be careful that you put everything back the way you found it!

Tugger: (looks at Hedy's costume) Ooo. Sexy stuff... Your principal puts up with this?

Veroni: Just put on the buisness suit, huh?

(Veroni walks across the stage and screams as Kelonzi jumps out at her)

Kel: AH HAH! Here you are!

Veroni: Hi Kel.

Kel: I knew you were doing 'How to Succeed...' and figured I'd come along to see how you were going to do this. Tell me, how did you get past the alarm system?

Veroni: That's for me to know and you NEVER TO FIND OUT!

Kel: Touchy. Sor-ry!

Veroni: Just go work the lights in the booth! EVERYONE READY??

Bomb: Oooh!!!! SEXY!!! WHEE!!!

Kel: You made Bomb play Hedy?

Veroni: Well, she's... 'bustulant' enough.

At rise, we see the exterior of the buisness "World Wide Catnip Company". Our main character, J. Mistpont Finch is washing the windows with a squeegie in one hand and a book titled "How to Succeed In Buisness Without Really Trying". The voice of the narrator speaks to the audience what he is reading.

Veroni: Old D? You read this!

Cet: HIM? Isn't it supposed to be someone famous?

Veroni: Well, I'm sorry that Walter Cronkite was too busy to come and do our little parody thing at some high school in the middle of nowheres-ville in Upstate New York!

Cet: Okay, now you're ABUSING sarcasm!

"Dear Reader: This little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead.

(Misto faces the audience and flips the page)

"Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly and easilly to the top of the buisness world. You can."

Misto: I CAN!

"If you have education and intelligence? So much the better. But remember that many have reached the top without ANY of these qualities...."

Misto: (snoring on the scaffold)

Old D: Ahem?

Veroni: Sorry... but I should have remembered about you and narrations. Just cut to the chase.

Old D: There's a chase scene in here? (flips through the pages of his script)

Veroni: Forget it! Just forget I said a WORD.

Misto:

How to apply for a job...

How to advance from the mailroom...

How to sit down at a desk...

How to dictate memorandums..

How to develop executive style...

How to commute in a three button suit..

With that weary executive smile.

This book is all that I need!

HOW TO! HOW TO! SUCCEED!

(There's more song, but it's time to do that time-honored skipping ahead in the song to save this author's paws. Misto jumps off the scaffolding and rips off his window washer getup to reveal a nicely ironed suit. Who knows how he kept it wrinkle-free if he'd been hard at work on the windows, but anyway--)

Cet: Plot holes? YEE-HAW!

Lec: Finally something I can do well! Plot hole poking! I was afraid this was going to be a normal show for awhile there.

Vicky: Now THAT'S a scary thought.

Kittens: Brrrrrr...!

Mistpont begins searching around for the personel office and slams into the owner of the company-- B.J. Biggley.

Misto: I'm sorry I ran into you sir. But I came here to apply for a job.

Bustopher: Young man, do you know who I am?

Misto: No sir.

Bustopher: I'm BJ Biggly! President of this entire company! How dare you come to ME to apply for a job? Dam--

Dem: (reading the script over Veroni's shoulder) Wow. Excessive on the swearing much?

Kel: It's part of his character.

Veroni: Yeah. But it's not part of a PG rating... (grabs a box with a button labled "Censored") I'm afraid I'm going to be needing this a lot.

(The head of the company storms off into his office and slams the door, rocking the whole set)

Veroni: Easy on the set, Bustopher! I'll be hauled off to the funny farm if I have to explain to Mrs. Paul on Monday that an overweight feline was responsible for the dismanteling of our set.

Bustopher: Well I never!! (huffs for a moment and then a low growl is heard from his stomach) Where's the snack machine?

Munku: (with a Kit Kat in his paws) I'll show you the way.

Kel: How are you going to explain an empty vending machine on Monday, V?

Veroni: (groans and tries to get back into the script)

(Misto stands in slight shock at what just happened as our female lead approaches from the rear)

Electra: I'm sorry about that. I know how hard it is to find a job.

Misto: Thank you miss. You're very kind. Now could you point out where personel is?

Lec: You're still going to apply? You're not discouraged?

Misto: (pats his trusty book) I'm prepared for exactly this sort of thing.

Lec: SAY! My friend Cetty works in personel! She could put in a good word for you and---

(rushes off before Misto can object)

Cet: Did I hear her right? I have to be in this thing?

Veroni: Yep. It'll be fun. Be HAPPY that you're playing Smitty. Be HONORED that you're playing Smitty.

Cet: Yesh.. Do I sense a sore spot in our director?

Kel: That's the part she wanted so badly in this show, (lowers her voice) she's was only cast as a secretary with one or two speaking lines, so watch out if you start complaining about your role.

Cet: Oh. Thanks for the warning.

She rushes off to find her friend, leaving Mistpont alone to poke around. That's when he runs into (figuratively this time) Mr. Strap-- personel management.

Munku: This playing around with my name is getting REALLY annoying.

Cet: Wait till you see what she's makin' Skimble do. After you see this, you'll thank your lucky stars you're out of this thing by the end of the first act.

Skimble: (overhearing a part of the conversation) What stars? It's the day time and we're indoors...?

Misto: I'm looking for Mr. Strap of personel.

Munku: I'm him, and we're not hiring anyone! Good day..

Misto: Oh. But Mr. Biggley said that---

Munku: BJ Biggley himself? You know him?

Misto: Well, we sort of ran into each other earlier.

Lec: No kiddin'. Talk about stretching the meaning of a word.

With this strategically placed mention of the head honcho's name, Mistpont finds himself hired and working in the mailroom faster than you can say 'minimum wage'. Meantime, our female lead who introduces herself as Lecmary Pilkington, dreams about marrying the cute new guy and living in a nice home in New Rochelle.

Lec:

I'll be so happy to keep his dinner warm

While he goes onward.. and upward

Happy to keep his dinner warm

Till he comes wearilly home from downtown

I'll be there waiting until his mind is clear

While he looks through me--- right through me

Waiting to say: "Good evening, dear. I'm pregnant!

What's new with you from Downtown?"

Oh to be loved by a tom I respect!

To bask in the glow of his perfectly understandable neglect

Lec: This is sad and anti-feminist. Hasn't anyone updated this show?

Veroni: (looks at the copywrite info) Not since, well... okay, ever. But the point is that this is a classic musical---

Lec: Made popular by hack MALE writers who still wish that the females would stay home and out of the workplace where she quote: Doesn't belong! Well I NEVER!

Bomb: Wow. And I thought Jenny was bad with that kind of woman's lib stuff.

(back to the stage. The scene has changed and we are now watching the goings-on of your typical office... okay, so most offices don't have their workers spontaniously burst into song and dance, but anyhoo!)

Pounce: COFFEE BREAK!

Jemi: It's about time!

(they gather around the coffee machine, only to find it empty)

Cet: There's no coffee!

Skimble: NO COFFEE??

All Cats: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (collapse on the floor)

Backstage Cats: No coffee? NO!

Veroni: Not back THERE! On the STAGE in the show, huh?!

Tanti: Ah! Whew!

Skimble:
If I can't take my coffee break

My coffee break!

(gets really despirate) MY COFFEE BREAK!

If I can't take my coffee break

Something within me dies!

Backstage Cats: Sing it brother!

All:
Lies down and something within me DIES!

Cet:
If I can't make three daily trips

Where shining shrine benignly drips

And taste cardboard between my lips

Something within me DIES!

All:
Lies down and something within me dies!

(there's another verse, but for the sake of time, we'll cut ahead to the little cha-cha they do at the end of the song right before the last refrain.... Isn't it great to be me? I can tell you exactly what's going on and you have to believe me because I'm the author and weather or not you think this should happen, you have to belive me because like it or not, I wrote this and therefor anything I say goes!)

Misto: You done ranting now?

Skimble: Yeah. The president gave his state of the union address faster than that.

Veroni: Cute. Now DANCE!

All:
If I can't take

My coffee break

Cet:
Somehow the soul no longer tries!

All:
Coffee! Coffee!

Skimble:
Somewhere I don't metabolize!

All:
Coffee! Coffee!

All:
Something within me

Coffee or otherwise!

Coffee or otherwise!

Coffee or otherwise!

Something inside of me DIES!

(they all collapse on the stage in a heap, just in time for an office cat to pass by with a fresh pot and they all trail her off with a despirate look in their eyes)

The narrator's voice kicks in again as our new Mr. Mailroom-- Mistpont Finch arrives on the scene, reading his book. "You have alertly siezed your opportunites and are now on the first rung of the ladder. You are working in the mailroom. One word of caution about the mailroom: It is a place out of which you must get. Some of your rivals will not have the advantage of this knowledge, but you are forearmed. Do not get stuck in the mailroom! Plan to rise."

Cats: (snoring)

Old D: Alright... very funny! WAKE UP! I'm done now.

Misto: I guess hell really did freeze over.

Jenny: Misto! Children could be reading this!

Misto: Whoops! Oh well.

Mistpont is delivering the mail when the boss' nephew and key competition, Bud Skrump, arrives and gives Mistpont a lecture about his place in the order of things.

Skimble: The executive mail is MY job. Finch, if you have any plans of climbing the ladder around here, the view is going to get very monotonous. Every time you look up, you'll see the seat of my pants.

(he leaves with a spring in his step, 'thinking' he's put Finch in his place.)

Lec: Don't pay any attention to Bud Skrump. He's just jealous and afraid that you're going to take some position away from him.

Misto: Thank you for defending me, Miss... um...

Lec: Pilkington. Lecmary Pilkington.

(she pins a flower on him and heads off. Just then the head of the secretary's shows up. It's Miss Grizones and Mistpont, immediately goes about getting in good with her by giving her the flower that Lecmary just gave to him)

Griz: I'm ready for my close-up Mr. Demille!

Veroni: Uh-huh. Okee. No Mr. Demille's here. Just one very ticked off director! Get in there, please?

Griz: *sigh* As you wish.

Veroni: That was too easy.... she's got something planned.

Griz: Young man! Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Grizones, Mr. Biggley's secretary.

Misto: NO! You can't be!

Griz: Why not?

Misto: Well, you're not a frightening queen like he said.

Griz: Who he?

Misto: Bud Skrump. S-K-R-U-M-P.

Griz: And who did you say you were?

Misto: Finch, m'am. Mistpont Finch. F-I-N-C-H.

Griz: I can spell.

Veroni: That's not the point... OR IN THE SCRIPT!! *sigh* But what else is new?

(Anyway, this scene carries on for awhile, so we'll speed things up and give you the Cliff's Notes of what you missed for the sake of holding what we have left of the plot together. Lecmary tries again to get Mistpont's attention, and once again he misses the boat.)

Lec: I didn't send him a boat!

Veroni: Never mind.

(Anyhoo. We also have a cute scene where BJ Biggley talks to his wife on the phone which we'll skip for time's sake, but it does make two interesting themes which will continue throughout the show--- 1) Bud calls his mommy, who is BJ's wife's sister, who then calls BJ to try and get Bud promoted, and 2) We discover that when BJ gets tense, he likes to knit.)

Skimble: Great. I'm a winer!

Bustopher: Better that than a knit-er!

Jenny: Well, now Bustopher, there are worse things... I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure there are SOME.

(NOW we're in the mailroom once more and there is a hub-bub of activity when the current head of the mailroom-- Mr. Twimgus--- gets a call from the personel office. He is to be promoted and has to choose someone to take his position as the head of the mailroom. Bud tries to get in good, but flops and decides to go out 'for a smoke'.)

Jemi: aka-- Call his mommy!

Veroni: Jem. Although I appreciate the fact that this means you actually read the script, I'd appreciate it if you'd not give away this stuff BEFORE IT HAPPENS!

Finch is left alone with Twimbus and they sing a really cool song that this author loves and will therefor make sure that it gets a nice FULL performance.

Gus:
When I joined this firm as a brass young tom

Well, I said to myself: "Now brass young tom, don't get any ideas!"

Well, I stuck to that and I haven't had one in years!

Misto: You play it safe.

Gus:
I play it the company way!

Wherever the company puts me, there I'll stay!

Misto: But what it your point of view?

Gus: I have no point of view.

Misto: Supposing the company thinks---

Gus: I think so too!

Tugger: So this company has a wife-beaten knitting president, a winey little nephew of the aforementioned president, a scheming newbie who just two hours ago was outside washing the windows, and now an old pushover in the mailroom?

Veroni: In a nutshell.

Bustopher: Oh. Speaking of nuts, Veroni.... The machine is out of those Planter's Peanuts I like so much.

Veroni: It's out of Planter's Peanuts because YOU ATE THEM ALL!

Misto:
(picks up the singing)
Your brain is a company brain!

Gus:
The company washed it and now I can't complain!

Tugger: See what I mean?

Misto: (skipping ahead to get this thing over with)
How can you get anywhere?

Gus:
Junior, have no fear!

Whoever the company fires

I will still be here!

Misto:
You will still be here!

Both:
Year after year after fiscal

NEVER TAKE A RISK-AL YEAR!

They finish the song and everyone returns just in time for the announcement of who will be the replacement.

Munku: So Twimbus, who'll be the new head of the mailroom?

Gus: Well, Mr. Strap. I've given it a good deal of thought pro and con and I think your tom is--- Young Finch!

Misto: Thanks, but I can't accept. I think there is someone better qualified. Gentlemen, your tom is Bud Skrump.

Bomb: Is he on catnip or something?

Veroni: You'll see.

Munku: (picks up the phone as Skrump rushes out to tell his mommy what just happened) Hello, mail room. Ah yes Mr. Biggley. I understand your problem.... yes, we'd given the job to someone else, but he turned it down and gave it to Bud. (pauses for a moment) No. He doesn't seem to be out of his mind. He was explaining it when you called.

(Yet another cute section of dialogue that we'll skip in favor of warp-speeding to the song and taking a break)

Skimble: I know what you all must think of me, but from now on...

(picks up the singing)

I'll play it the company way!

Wherever the company puts me there I'll stay!

All: Whatever the company tells him, that he'll do!

Skimble: Whatever my Uncle may think, I think so too!

All: He's beaming with company pride!

Skimble: I've conquered that over-ambitious rat inside!

Munku: Yes, Bud is no longer the Frump he used to be!

Skimble: I pledge to the company sweet conformity!

(as they sing and dance, a phone call comes in from Mr. Scratch in personel. He's looking for a new Jr. Exec and because of Finch's unselfish act, they pick him to be that Jr. Exec. As he leaves, Bud realizes what's happened and throws a fit).

Skimble: Okay, that's it. I'm going to take a break! A tom can only see his pride crushed so far before he has to take a stand and do something about it.

Vicky: Aren't you planning on sitting for your break?

Skimble: You're cute, Vic. Just make sure those smart remarks stay inside, 'k?

Vicky: What'll you do? Go call your momma?! (rolls around giggling)

Skimble: Ugh... Bustopher? Snack machine. NOW!

Veroni: Despite all that, I'd say the first part of this went rather well, don't you think?

Kel: I don't see any blood yet, so I guess you're alright.

Veroni: Thanks!

Kel: I said YET.