(It is a dark and stormy night. The cats have decided to do this one inside a dilapidated theatre near the junkyard.)

Tugger: Well, it was inevitable. Matt HAD to have us do another Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

Pouncival: At least I don't have to wear a skirt for this one, like I did in "Starlight Meows".

Skimbleshanks: Uh, actually, I think he's doing this one for another reason. Something to do with the cat I saw him hanging out with earlier today. She said this was one of her favorite musicals...

Tugger: Say no more.

Skimble: ...and for some reason, she, uh, sweet-talked him into doing this to revive Grizabella's career.

Munkustrap: Well, from what I heard, he was going to do this one anyway, she just gave him the drive to speed up the process.

Demeter: Come off it. It's nice to see he has friends, even if they encourage him to keep making us do these parodies.

(Macavity rushes in.)

Macavity: I just walked by Grizabella, she has been acting REALLY strange.

Dem: Stranger than usual? How so?

Mac: Well, she was cooking a rabbit in one of the dressing rooms. And she tried to drown me in a bathtub!

Munku: Well, I heard her talking earlier today. She wants to bring some luster back to the part she's playing...something about Glenn Close disgracing the role.

Mac: Yeah, but I'M not Glenn Close!

(Mistoffelees comes in.)

Mistoffelees: I don't know why he's having us do this show in this theatre. I know it's that new Jellicle he's been hanging around, but on a rainy night, why in THIS theatre? There's a giant leak in the roof a few meters from the stage! Good thing my techie stuff isn't there.

(Matt and his new Jellicle friend, Juliet, walk in.)

Matt: Hey guys, this is Juliet.

Julie: Hi!

Other Cats: (uninterested) Hi.

Julie: I can't wait to see the lovely Grizabella in this one. You picked the perfect role for her, Matt! *purrs*

Matt: I think you'll really enjoy watching this one as much as we enjoy doing these parodies.

Dem: Then she's gonna hate it then.

Matt: Demeter, your smart crack bounces off me and sticks to you. All right, ACTION!

(We see a large, ornate mansion. There is a swimming pool in front, and because cats hate water, Mistoffelees' Light and Magic projects a hologram of a fully clothed tom lying face down. As the police cats are investigating, we hear a voice...)

Skimble (offstage): I guess it was five AM

A homicide had been reported

from one of those crazy mansions up on Sunset.

Tomorrow every front page is going to lead with this story.

You see, an old time movie star is involved,

maybe the biggest star of all.

(The same young tom into the pool heads onstage...)

Misto: Thanks to my special effects, of course!

(...he is a Hollywood writer, Joe Skimblis.)

Skimble (continues): But before you read about it

Before it gets distorted

by those Hollywood piranhas

You've come to the right party.

Julie: Skimbleshanks plays Joe? I thought you tapped Munkustrap to be your usual leading tom!

Matt: Well, I thought I'd give him this one off. Gotta keep his voice intact for Veronikitty, so he can finish "Catsalot".

Munku: If it isn't one of you, it's the other. Sheesh.

(So anyway, there's a big opening number as we flash back to the front of the Paramount lot.)

Skimble: Let me take you back six months

I was at the bottom of the barrel

I'd had a contract down at FOX

But I'd fallen foul of Darryl.

Now I had a date at Paramount

along with a thousand other writers.

If I didn't come up roses, I'd be covering funerals

back in Dayton, Ohio.

I'd hidden my car three blocks away,

turned out to be a smart move.

(So anyway, there's a big opening number, which has a lot going on, with Joe running into tons of young hopefuls: directors, writers, actors...including his best friend, Artugger Green...)

Tugger: And why, may I ask, do I have such a small part in this one?

Matt: Because Carbucketty was going to play Artie, and he hasn't fully recovered from those female kittens that pretty much mauled him during "Carby". YOU put him up to such a stunt, so you're playing Artie. Deal with it.

Carbucketty (from the sidelines, with one of his legs in a cast): You tell him!

Julie: Good move. Someone's got to cut that tom's ego down to size.

(...anyway, the opening number has a lot going on, which is very confusing to read in the libretto, so we'll just bypass it for the sake of time and HTML space...but we'll at least do the end part in case some people like this song. I don't want to make anyone mad here!)

All: Hi, good morning, aren't we lucky

Going to work with Cukor

Paramount is paradise, movies from A to Zukor

We should talk, gotta run, let's have lunch

We should talk, gotta run, gotta run, let's have lunch!

Bustopher Jones: Sounds good to me!

Jennyanydots: Is food all you ever think about, Bustopher?

Bustopher: No, I think about what I have to drink too!

Gus: Movies. Poppycock. I remember all those old movies you're all singing about. Nothing but trash and flash. Now the THEATRE, that's where the true actors shine...

Matt: Uh, may we continue please?

Bustopher, Jenny, Gus: Sor-ry!

(So anyway, the crowd has dispersed, leaving Joe prone to two financemen who wanted to repossess his car...hence the reason why he parked it three blocks away. Another young writer, Bomby Schaefer, who he had met during the opening number...who gave him a few smart cracks about his writing...appears.)

Skimble: Come to get your knife back?

It's still there, right between my shoulder blades.

Bomb (sings again, as if you hadn't figured out a good part of this thing is sung):

I read one of your stories,

wasn't it Scribner's, some magazine

Title-something with windows

Skimble: It was "Blind Windows", if that's what you mean.

Bomb: That's right, I really liked it.

Skimble: I'm all warm and runny inside

Bomb: Let me pitch it to Sheldrake

Skimble: I may be broke but I still have my pride.

(Well, anyway, Joe is finally persuaded to let Bomby pitch "Blind Windows" to the movie studio, and they agree to meet at Schwab's drugstore. But they can't chat for long...)

Bomb: What's the rush?

(Two financemen--Macavity and Mungojerrie--enter and look around.)

Mac: What is it with this typecasting?! I'm ALWAYS the bad guy!

Mungojerrie: 'Ey Boss, Oi think it 'as somethin' to do with the fact that you're the Napoleon o' Croime.

Mac: I had a tough kittenhood. Sue me!

Mungo: Nah. Oi'd 'ave to taike a number.

Skimble: See those gorillas?

Mungo: We resent that! We're cats, not gorillas!

Bomb: Yes, what about them?

Skimble: Do me a terrific favor. Keep them amused while I escape.

Bomb: If you're at Schwab's on Thursday.

Skimble: Done. Look, those guys are after my car. If I lose that in this town, it's like having my paws cut off.

Bomb: Let's duck into the soundstage.

Mac: Come on, Skimblis, give us the keys.

Bomb: Shhh! Please be quiet, Gusil B. DeMille is shooting right over there.

Mac: So what?

Bomb: He's working on "Samson and Delilah", they're doing a red hot scene with Demi LaMeowr. You want to stay and watch?

Mac: No.

Mungo: Relax, we got foive minutes.

(So Bomby leads them into a corner and Joe makes a quick exit. The financemen realize they've been duped and take chase...this is done when Misto activates the ancient projector which, coincidentally, shows the car chase scene from the original "Sunset Boulevard" film.)

Skimble: Rats. Here I thought it would be some other film in that projector and we'd have to quit.

Matt: No, not now! And besides, Mistoffelees is magical enough to have saved our buns had that happened.

Julie: Thank the Everlasting Cat! I'd hate to see the show aborted before my lovely Grizabella comes on...

(Well, anyway, the high-speed chase continues for a while and Joe's car spins out of control. It somehow ends up in a driveway an ancient mansion on Sunset Boulevard, which looks like it hasn't been cared for in ages. Joe pushes his car into the garage, next to a classic 1932 Issoto Fraschini.)

Munku: Wow, that car is a beaut!

Tugger: I wonder what the value on that baby is?

Julie: Enough with the car talk please?

Backstage Queens: I think we're gonna like her!

(Jemima, Victoria, Electra, and Etcetera nuzzle up against their new best friend and purr. Meanwhile, back on stage....)

Skimble: Everlasting Cat, where am I?

I had landed in the garden of some palazzo

like an abandoned movie set.

(He then hears a harsh queen's voice...)

Grizabella (from offstage): You there!

(Joe looks up, but there's no one there.)

Griz (still offstage): Why are you so late?

Electra: That's what someone should say to the roof repairman in this theatre. That puddle backstage is getting fairly big!

(Before Joe can answer the voice, the mansion doors open and out comes the butler of the house, Max von Deuterling. He wears traditional butler garb, has a very stern expression, and speaks in a mild German accent.)

Old Deuteromony: You know, you COULD have gotten Bustopher Jones to play this part, instead of cramming me in this stuffy costume...at least this kind of an outfit is his natural coat!

Matt: But Old D, you have the perfect voice for this part! And I wanted to share that beautiful voice of yours with the world!

Old D: Oh, lucky me. (slips into character)

This way.

Skimble: Hey look buddy, I just pulled my car...

Old D: And wipe your paws!

Griz (still offstage): Max! Tell him to wait!

Julie: Get her on stage already!

Old D: You heard. If you need any help with the coffin, call me.

Jemima: Coffin?! Ewwwww!

Etcetera: Hey, it wouldn't be a modern production without someone or something getting killed.

Gus (sings): These modern productions are all very well...

Jellylorum: Shhh. Wrong show!

Matt: You took the words right out of my mouth, Jellylorum.

(Another door opens, and out comes silent film star Norma Grizmond. She is dressed very extravagantly, as she was a beauty in her day. She is carrying something covered in a shroud.)

Julie: (is breathless)

Griz: Any law against burying him in the garden?

Skimble: I wouldn't know.

Griz: I don't care anyway. (She begins to sing...)

No more wars to fight

White flags fly tonight

You are out of danger now

Battlefield is still

Wild poppies on the hill

Peace can only come when you surrender

Here the tracers fly

Lighting up the sky

But I'll fight on to the end

Let them send their armies

I will never bend

I won't see you now 'till I surrender.

I'll see you again when I surrender.

Julie: (crying) That song gets me every time.

Backstage Toms: *gag*

Matt: Shush....

(He turns his back, and Tugger, Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, and any other toms in the vicinity take turns mocking him, Juliet, and Grizabella.)

(Back on stage, Norma Grizmond takes the shroud off the object she's holding. It is supposed to be the body of a chimpanzee...but in this case it's a Beanie Baby...)

Matt: A BEANIE BABY?! MUNGOJERRIE! RUMPLETEAZER! Get over here!

Mungo: Wha' is it?

Matt: You guys said you were going to get a real stuffed dead chimp!

Rumple: Ya know 'ow 'ard it is to foind a taxidermist's near Victoria Grove?

Mungo: The nearest one was foive moiles awaiy. And we'd 'ave to 'aul the chimp 'ere ourselves. You think we'll do that? Sorry, guvna, but no way!

Matt: *puts head in his paws*

Griz: Now don't you give me a fancy price just because I'm rich.

Skimble: Look, lady, you've got the wrong tom. I had some trouble with my car, I just pulled into your driveway.

(Well, Norma's pretty peeved at Joe's insensitivity, and kicks him out...but something clicks in Joe's brain as he's leaving...)

Skimble: Aren't you Norma Grizmond? You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.

Griz: I AM BIG! It's the pictures that got small!!!

(sings again)

Julie: Ohhhhh, I just LOVE this song.

Griz: With one look

I can break your heart.

With one look

I play every part

I can make your sad heart sing

With one look you'll know

All you'll need to know

Carbucketty (still delusional from the last parody) (sings): Come on the amazing journey

And learn all you should know...

Jemi: Shhhh.

Griz (continues): With one smile

I'm the queen next door

Or the love you've hungered for

When I speak it's with my soul

I can play any role!

No words can tell

the stories my eyes tell

Watch me when I frown

You can't write that down

You know I'm right

It's there in black and white

When I look your way

you'll hear what I say

Yes, with one look

I put words to shame

Just one look

Sets the screen aflame!

Silent music starts to play

One tear in my eye

makes the whole world cry.

Misto: Not me. (He turns and sees Pouncival next to him, bawling.) What a wuss!

Vicky: Awww, poor Pouncival...come here sweetheart...why can't all toms be as sensitive as you?

(Pouncival turns to Misto, and winks.)

Misto: GRRR!

Griz: (continues)

With one look

they'll forgive the past.

With one look

They'll rejoice, I've returned at last, to my people in the dark...

Still out there in the dark!

Silent music starts to play

With one look

You know all you'll need to know.

With one look

I'll ignite a blaze

I'll return to my glory days!

They'll say "Norma's back at last!"

This time I am staying...

I'm staying for good...

I'll be back where I was born to be...

With one look...

I'LL....BE.....MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

(Juliet, as well as all the other queens are practically in tears.)

Munku: Now why did you put that whole song in there and cut some of the other ones down, Matt?

Matt: The same reason why I put all of "The Time Warp" in "Rocky Tugger". It's the show's most popular song. Plus, Juliet loves it.

Misto: Well, I see who YOU'RE trying to impress!

Matt: (stops to say something to Misto, but decides against it. Misto could turn him into a newt or something...)

Griz: Now go.

Skimble: Next time I'll bring my autograph album.

(Joe heads out...but Norma stops him...)

Griz: Just a minute, you. Did you say you were a writer?

Skimble: That's what it says on my guild card.

Griz: And you've written pictures?

Skimble: Sure have. Would you like to see my credits?

Griz: Come over here, I want to ask you something. Just what sort of length is a movie script these days?

Skimble: Depends.

(Norma goes to the table next to her couch, and unveils a large manuscript. She takes it and thrusts it into Joe's hands... but in this case, Griz gets a bit too overzealous as Norma and thrusts the script directly into Skimble's midsection, temporarily knocking the wind out of him.)

Skimble: Oof! (falls to the ground, dropping the script)

Griz: I wrote this, it's a very important picture

Skimble (regaining his composure): Aargh...looks like SIX very important pictures!

Griz: It's for DeMille to direct.

Skimble: Oh yeah? And will you be in it?

Griz: Of course. What do you think?

Skimble: Just asking. I didn't know you were planning a comeback.

Griz: I HATE THAT WORD! It's a return!

(So anyway, Joe settles in and reads Norma's script...it's about Salome, the woman who falls in love with a holy man and when he is executed, she asks for his head...if she can't have him alive, she'll have him dead...)

Jemi: EWWWWWW!!!! Excuse me. (she runs off to the cat box and we hear some interesting sounds)

(...so anyway, Norma wants to play Salome, even though she is waaaay too old for the part. There's a big number Norma sings to describe this which we'll skip...)

All: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(...but anyway, Norma wants Joe to stay and help her modify the script, which he agrees to do. Max leads him to the guest room.)

Old D: Ah shucks. I was hoping my character would be forgotten, so I could bail out.

(So anyway, Max tells Joe that he's set the guest room up for him. They get to talking...)

Skimble: She's quite a character, isn't she, that Norma Grizmond?

Old D: (sings)

Once,

You won't remember,

If you said Hollywood, hers was the face you'd think of.

Her face on every billboard

In just a single week she'd get ten thousand letters.

Men would offer fortunes

For a bloom from her corsage or a few strands of her hair.

Today, she's half forgotten,

but it's the pictures that got small.

She is the greatest star of all!

Then, you can't imagine

How fans would sacrifice themselves to touch her shadow.

There was a Maharajah who hanged himself with one of her discarded stockings.

Munku: Wow. Can you say "obsessed"?

Old D: (continues)

She's immortal

caught inside that flickering light beam

is the youth which cannot fade.

Madame's a living legend

I've seen so many idols fall

SHE IS THE GREATEST STAR OF AAAAALLLLLL!!!

(gasps for air)

Munku: Long last note, huh, Old D?

Old D: Oh yeah.

Veroni: (walks in and looks around) Sunset Boulevard. Coolness.

Cori: Yeah. It's just the craziest whirly-gig of fun you ever did see...

Veroni: Sarcasm accomplished is nothing, Cor.

Cet: I seem to recall you saying that EXACT same thing to him somewhere before.

Veroni: Oh yeah? Hmm.. Oh well. Anyhoo, my point for being here was to call--- COFFEE BREAK!!!

(the cats race out and Veroni is flattened like a pancake)

Veroni: (whimpers) Mother.