(the cats all enter again, stepping heavilly upon the Veroni-rug on the way in)

Veroni: Owie.

WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF...Max von Deuterling had just performed his big number...leaving him gasping for air. Since we need him for the whole production, and since you readers are getting sick of staring at three cats all of the time...

Julie: Not me. I could look at Griz all day.

...well, MOST of you readers are probably getting sick of staring at three cats all the time, we cut to Schwab's Drugstore, a soda fountain/tobacconist's/diner, filled with movie cats of some kind or another.

(Most of the cats are now on stage. I know these characters do have names, but they are generic characters...)

Vicky: So give them to generic cats!

All: Generic parts for generic cats, generic parts for generic cats...

Matt: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! Oyyyyyy... *starts yanking his fur out*

Same Cats: Sor-ry!

(begin to sing)

Every movie's a circus

On the wire, without a net

Vicky: Coffee?

Alonzo: I'm up too early

Shooting at seven

I've got to go...

All: Movies!

Cet: Good part?

Tumble: I'm a police cat

"Hang up punk"

That's all I say

Admetus: First time you worked on the lot there

Rumple: I must say RKO are OK

(There are a few more verses like this, but since I REALLY don't want to be diagnosed with Carpel-Tunnel Syndrome at age 22, we'll cut to when Joe meets Artugger at Schwab's.)

All: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

Tugger: (sings)

Hey Joe

What are you, slumming?

Skimble: Here for a meeting

Tugger: This time of night?

All: MOVIES!

Skimble: Yeah, it's some studio smart...

Matt: PG RATING, SKIMBLESHANKS!

Skimble:...er, OK...yeah, it's some studio wisequeen

You know I'm famous for being polite.

All: MOVIES!

Tugger: Guess what? I'm getting married!

Female Kittens: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Jelly: Relax, girls. It's only a play.

Skimble: Congratulations.

Tugger: She'll be right back.

All: MOVIES!

Tugger: Fact is, we were just leaving

She's just been stood up by this uppity hack.

(Well, anyway, we'll downsize this a bit more since I don't want my fingers to be shot to the warm place from excessive typing, but anyway, Artugger's working as a first assistant, more like "first slave" on a movie....when Bomby enters.)

All: Every movie's a circus

On the wire, without a net.

Bomb: Well, hello, Mr. Skimblis!

Tugger: You two have met?

Skimble: I'm the uppity hack.

Tugger: And she's the studio wisequeen

Bomb: What's going on here?

(The phone rings. The bartender--played by Quaxo--picks it up.)

Quaxo: Artugger, they're calling you back.

(So anyway, while Artugger is on the phone, Bomby and Joe talk about "Blind Windows". They sing a song with rules about moviemaking that are so outdated, I'm surprised ALW even wrote the meshugganeh song. Anyway, Joe says that Bomby can finish the script...)

Bomb: What do you mean?

Skimble: It's what I said. I've given up writing myself. So you write it.

Bomb: Oh, I'm not good enough to do it on my own. But I thought we could write it together.

Skimble: I can't, I'm all tied up.

Bomb: Couldn't we work evenings? 6:00 in the morning? I'd come to your place.

Skimble: Look, Bomby, it can't be done. It's out. Let's keep in touch through Artugger. That we if you get stuck, we can at least talk.

(One more verse of the song about outdated movie writing tips is sung, then Artugger gets off the phone and invites Joe to his New Year's party. Joe says he's there.)

Dem: Oh boy. Let's hope it isn't like one of Tugger's real life New Year's parties.

Tugger: Hey, Demeter, *I* wasn't the one who spiked your punch last year!

Munku: I think we *all* know who that was.

(We go back to the house on Sunset. Joe eases his way across the patio...and naturally runs into Max...)

Matt: Ahem...Old D...get out there...

Old D: Sorry. I can't move like I used to.

Pounce: Too much time sitting on that friggin' tire.

Old D: AHEM!

(Anyway, Joe runs into Max...)

Old D: Where have you been?

Skimble: Out. I can go out when I feel like it.

Old D: Madame is quite agitated. Earlier this evening, she wanted you for something and you could not be found.

Tugger: (sings) You see him one moment, the next he is gone

You'll find him next week, right out on the laaaawwwwnnnn...

Matt: TUGGER!!! WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW!!! GET BACKSTAGE!!!!!

Tugger: Well excuuuse me, Mr. Director! I've only had about three lines since this lousy show began! I had to let it out sometime.

Julie: (from her seat) LOUSY?! LOUSY???!!!!

Tugger: Uh-oh. Did I say "lousy"? I meant "lovely"!

Old D AND Skimble: LET US DO THE SCENE, HUH?!

(So anyway, we downsized Tugger's ego for now, and continue with the scene...)

Old D: I don't think you understand, Mr. Skimblis. Madame is extremely fragile. She has moments of melancholy. There have been suicide attempts.

Jenny: Man, Norma's really a basket case, isn't she?

Skimble: Why? Because of her career? She's done well enough. Look at all the fan mail she gets every day.

Old D: I wouldn't look too closely at the postmarks if I were you.

Jenny: Pathetic.

Skimble: You mean you write them?

Old D: Will you be requiring some supper this evening?

BUSTOPHER: Supper?! Where?

Jenny: I tell you, Bustopher dear, you're going to eat yourself to death! (whacks Bustopher lightly in the gut)

Bustopher: OOF! What a gal!

(Back on stage...)

Skimble: No. And Max?

Old D: Yes, sir?

Skimble: Who do you think you are, bringing my stuff up from my apartment without consulting me? I have a life of my own...now you're telling me I'm supposed to be a prisoner here?

Old D: I think, perhaps, sir, you will have to make up your mind to abide by the rules of this house. That is, if you want the job.

(So anyway, we go to the next scene. Joe is working on Norma's script...and she's signing photos for her "fans". Max is also there.)

Jenny: Poor Skimble. I'd hate to be in his position.

Jelly: Especially because in real life, HE'S the supervisor! But at least he's a sweetheart.

Skimble:

I started work on the script

I hacked my way though the thicket

A maze of fragmented ramblings by a soul in limbo.

She hovered there like a hawk, afraid I'd damage her baby.

Matt: I know where he's coming from. It took 54 pages just to print out the first act when I decided to do this!

Julie: Wow. You really are a dedicated cat.

Cass: He sure is...at our expense!

(On stage, Joe drops a page of manuscript into the trash...so Norma goes ballistic.)

Griz: What's that?

Skimble: I thought we might cut away from the slave market...

Griz: CUT AWAY FROM ME?!

Skimble: Norma, they don't want you in every scene.

Julie: I DO!!!!!

Skimble: (surprised by Juliet's sudden outburst, he improvises) Well, most people don't, anyway...

Julie: Wise tom.

Griz: (smiles at Juliet while she says this line) Of course they do! What else would they have come for? Put it back.

(Joe puts the page back. Norma leaves, and as soon as she does, he trashes the page again.)

Skimble: I'd made my first big mistake.

I'd put my foot in the quicksand.

It wouldn't be a few days, paste and scissors.

This would take weeks.

The house was always so quiet

Just me and Max and that organ

No one phoned and nobody ever came.

And there was only one kind of entertainment on hand...

(to Max/Old D)

Max, what's on this evening?

I hope it's not one of her sappy melodramas.

Old D: We'll be showing one of Madame's enduring classics: "The Ordeal of Joan of Arc".

Skimble: Oh, Everlasting Cat, we saw that last week!

Old D: A masterpiece can never fall...

SHE IS THE GREATEST STAR OF ALL!

Tumble: For Heavyside's sakes, Skimble, just watch the film! Just don't make us have to hear that song again!

Old D: For once I agree with that whippersnapper. It's hard enough for me to sing it as it is for you to hear it.

(Well, Tumblebrutus is eating his words now...as Max has set up a projector..well it's really a prop, Misto's working the actual one, and it's showing...a Schwarzenegger action/adventure flick?)

Matt: Mistoffelees, what gives?

Misto: Sorry. Wrong reel.

(ANYWAY, Misto gets the right film reel, and we see a very sappy old silent film. Norma enters during this, amazed by the "greatness" of her work, while Joe...along with all the backstage toms...look very bored.)

Tugger: Sheesh, you should have left the Schwarzenegger film in. At least then all the men reading this wouldn't log off.

Griz: (sings)

This was dawn

There were no rules

We were so young.

Movies were born

So many songs,

Yet to be sung.

So many roads, still unexplored,

We gave the world new ways to dream

Somehow we found new ways to dream.

Julie: *sniff* One fan still loves you!!!!

Pounce: Matt, tell your friend not to encourage her!

(On stage, Norma is pointing aspects of her performance out to Joe.)

Griz: (continues)

Joan of Arc, look at my face, isn't it strong?

There in the dark, up on the screen, where I belong.

We'll show them all nothing has changed

We'll give the world new ways to dream.

Everyone needs new ways to dream.

Jemi: Yeah, new ways to dream about how to run fast enough whenever Matt or Veroni recruit us for these parodies.

Mac: If it isn't one, it's the other.

(Back on stage...)

Skimble: I didn't argue. Why hurt her?

You don't yell at the sleepwalker or she could fall and break her neck!

Julie: Nooooo! Not to Grizabella! Now Glenn Close on the other hand....

All: Oooooh, vicious swipe!

Skimble: MAY I CONTINUE?

She smelled of faded roses.

It made me sad to watch her as she relived her glory.

Poor Norma, so happy, lost in her silver heaven.

Griz: (sings) Nothing has changed.

We'll give the world new ways to dream.

Everyone needs new ways to dream.

(Joe is touched. He takes Norma's paw.)

(The next scene is in the living room at Norma's house. We were going to have a sound effects tape for the rain...but it's raining so hard on this night it wasn't necessary.)

Jelly: And, may I add, someone had better fix that leak in the roof. That puddle backstage is getting pretty big!

(So anyway, Joe does another monologue which we'll skip. Joe has moved from his small room above the garage to the main house, into what Max calls "the room of the husbands. The two financemen have taken Joe's car, and he's flat broke...so he stays in the house, despite the fact that he wants out.)

(Joe is in the living room....playing solitaire. He's done with the script, by the way. Max is at the organ, playing a melancholy tune. He suddenly switches to the opening of "The Phantom Of The Opera".)

Old D: I had to keep the readers' attention somehow.

(So anyway, Norma bounds down the stairs, carrying a rather large script in her hands.)

Griz: Today's the day!

Skimble: What do you mean?

Griz: Max is going to deliver the script to Parameownt!

Skimble: You're really going to give it to Mr. DeMille?

Griz: I've just spoken with my astrologer. She read DeMille's horoscope, she read mine!

Skimble: Did she read the script?

Backstage Cats: Apparently not!

Griz: DeMille is Leo, I'm Scorpio. Mars is transiting Jupiter...

Backstage Cats: (sing) And peeeeaccce will guiiide the planets

And loooooove will steer the stars!

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius....

Matt: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG! I'm not doing the "Hair" parody until much later!

Tugger: *glares at other cats* Shouldn't have sung that.

(Back on stage...)

Griz: Max?

Old D: Yes, Madame.

(Norma hands Max the script.)

Griz: Make sure it goes to Mr. DeMille in person.

(So anyway, Max heads out to deliver the script...and Norma and Joe talk, and Norma insists that Joe stay. Joe wants out, but ultimately relents and says he'll stay until Parameownt calls.)

Pounce: That Norma is really needy for attention, huh?

Misto: Look who's talking!

Skimble: So, Max wheeled out that foreign bus

brushed the leopard skin upholstery

JENNY: My relatives died for that car's upholstery! *hisses* FUR IS MURDER!

Skimble (continues): He trundled along to Parameownt

to hand Gusil B. our hopeless opus.

(Moving right along to another scene in Norma's house...Max admits a tom's outfitter, Mr. Bustofred. He has about seven assistants--played by Munkustrap, Mistoffelees, Pouncival, Coricopat, Mungojerrie, Plato, and Tumblebrutus--who carry in boxes of clothes.)

Griz: (sings)

Hurry up, the birthday boy is on his way

This is a surprise celebration

I hope you remembered everything I've said

I want to see a total transformation!

(Joe goes into the room...and is startled by the unexpected crowd of salestoms.)

Skimble: What's all this?

Griz: Happy birthday, darling. Did you think we'd forgotten?

Skimble: Well...I don't know.

Griz: These people are from the best tom's shop in town. I had them close it down for a day!

Skimble: Norma, now listen!

Griz: I'll leave you toms to it.

(So anyway, Joe now has an unwanted clothes shopping spree to look forward to. So what do the salestoms do? They sing! Sing! SING!)

Bustopher: (sings)

Happy birthday, welcome to your shopathon!

Skimble: What's going on?

Bustopher: Help yourself, it's all been taken care of.

Anyone who's anyone is dressed by me.

Skimble: Well golly gee!

Bustopher: Pick out anything you'd like a pair of.

You just point, I'll do the rest

I've brought nothing but the best

You're a very lucky writer

Come along, now get undressed!

Unless I'm not mistaken, that's a 42 inch chest...

Skimble: I don't understand a word you're saying.

Bustopher: All you need to know's the queen is paying.

(So this song goes on for a couple of more verses...and then Norma comes and adds to the chaos by picking out more clothes...which is the equivalent to your grandma buying clothes for you when you're a grownup, for Pete's sakes...and then Norma invites Joe to her New Year's bash. He tries to tell her he's been invited to Artugger's, but he, naturally, gives in.)

(It's a couple of days later, at Norma's New Year's Eve party.)

Julie: Ohhhh, I love this song coming up! It's my favorite song from the play!

Munku: So naturally, we'll be hearing the whole thing?

Matt: How'd you know, Munkustrap?

Munku: *sulks* Lucky guess.

(Joe is wearing a white tie and tails, and there is a four-cat string quartet playing. How'd we do this? We gave the four-cat "Carby" rock combo musical training! Max is also there, preparing the drinks. After another sarcastic exchange between Joe and Max, Norma appears in a beautiful evening gown.)

Julie: Is that all you have to say about that?

Matt: I've got to save some HTML space here.

Julie: Understood.

(Joe is downstairs waiting for Norma. He greets her, and she presents him with a gold cigarette case.)

Tugger: Wow, Skimble, you're getting hooked up, baby! The gear, the cigarette case...I sure hope you can keep this stuff after the parody!

Griz: Here. Happy New Year.

Skimble: Norma, I can't take this.

Griz: Oh, shut up. Open it. Read what it says!

Skimble: "Mad about the boy"?

Griz: Yes, and you look absolutely divine.

Backstage Queens: Awwwwww.

Etcetera: He's still no Tugger, though.

Matt: Come on! Any more Tugger compliments, and we'll have to use a shoehorn to get his swelled head through the stage door.

(Back on stage, Norma has led Joe to a tiled dance floor.)

Griz: I had these tiles put in, you know, because Rudy Valentino said to me, it takes tiles to tango. Come on.

(They dance...and Norma begins to sing...)

GRIZ: Ring out the old

Ring in the new

A midnight wish

To share with you

Your lips are warm

My head is light

Were we alive

Before tonight?

I don't need a crowded ballroom

Everything I want is here

If you're with me

Next year will be

The perfect year!

Skimble: Before we play

Some dangerous game

Before we fan

Some harmless flame

We'll have to ask

If this is wise

And if the game

Is worth the prize

With this wine and with this music

How can anything be dear?

Let's wait and see

It just may be

The perfect year

(The two cats dance some more. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer mock these dance steps backstage, and Rumple slips and steps on Coricopat's paw.)

Coricopat: YEEOOOWWWW!

Griz: It's New Year's Eve

And hopes are high

Dance one year in

Kiss one goodbye

Another dance

Another start

So many dreams

To tease the heart!

We don't need another ballroom

Everything we want is here.

And face to face

We will embrace

The perfect year.

We don't need another ballroom

Everything we want is here.

And face to face

We will embrace

The perfect year.

Julie: *sniff* I love that song! (grabs the first cat she sees--Mistoffelees--in a big hug)

Misto: Hey! Cut that out! *slinks over to Victoria, with whom he's much more affectionate*

Pounce: I'll hug ya, Juliet! *leaps over and hugs her*

Julie: Smart kitty.

(So anyway, Joe finds out that there are no other guests at this party. Fed up with Norma's advances, he gets a taxi and heads over to Artugger's...)

Skimble: I had to get out.

I needed to be with people my own age,

to hear the sound of laughter, and mix with hungry actors,

and underemployed composers, nicotine poisoned writers...

All: Like Matt!

Matt: No nicotine here, just Hershey's Chocolate Drink.

SKIMBLE: ...real people, real problems, having a really good time.

All: LIKE WE WILL ONCE THIS PARODY IS OVER!

(So anyway, we see Joe enter Artugger's apartment, where a whole bunch of cats are whooping it up, drinking alcoholic beverages and enjoying a considerable amount of catnip...)

Tugger: Hey, Skimblis, we'd given you up! Let me take your coat!

(He touches Joe's new vicuna coat, bought on his shopping spree.)

Joe, what's this made of? Mink?

(He then see's Skimble's tails...)

Who did you borrow this from, Adolphe Menjou?

Skimble: Close, but no cigar. (surveys the room) Hey, it's quite a crowd!

Tugger: I invited all the kittens doing walk-ons in "Samson and Delilah".

(Bomby Schaefer walks over.)

Bomb: Where have you been hiding? I called your apartment. I called your ex-agent. I was about to call the Bureau of Missing Jellicles!

Skimble: Well, they always know where to find me.

(By now, all the inebriated cats at the party break into song...)

Tumble: Hey Pounce!

(sings) You gotta say your New Year's resolution out loud!

Jem!

Jemi: By this time next year

I'll have landed a juicy part

Plato: 1950 will be my start

Admetus: No more carrying spears!

Rumple: Oi'll be discovered

Moi loife waon't ever be the saime

Billy Woilder will know moi naime

And 'e'll call all the toime!

Tanti: Till he does can one of you guys lend her a dime?

Jelly: Just an apartment with no roaches and no dry rot

Cass: Where the hot water comes out hot

Both: That's my Hollywood dream

Tumble: Your resolution

Jenny: Is to write something that gets shot

With approximately the plot

I first had in my head

Munku: But you'll get rewritten even after you're dead!

Tumble: Artugger!

Tugger: It's a year to begin a new life

Buy a place somewhere quiet, somewhere pretty.

When you have a young kitten and queen then you need somewhere

green far from the city.

It's a rambling old house with a big apple tree

With a swing for the kitten and a hammock for me...

(This is quickly broken up when some of the queens in the harem of "Samson and Delilah" burst out of the kitchen, followed by an inebriated Pouncival, dressed as Gusil B. DeMille.)

Julie: Hey, don't these characters have names?

Matt: They're generic "chorus parts", so I let it go this time...

Julie: I see!

Pounce: Behold, my children!

It is I, Gusil B. DeMille!

Meeting me must be such a thrill!

Mungo: But there's no need to kneel

Pounce: I guarantee you

Every girl in my chorus line

Is a genuine Philistine

Carb: They don't come off the shelf

Gus: I flew every one in from Philistia myself!

(The queens do a Middle Eastern dance.)

(Well, anyway, because I want to speed this up and because I also want the cats to take a break to recover from the projected hangovers they'll get from this scene, I'll just sum up the rest of the song for you...Bomby wants to work on "Blind Windows" with Joe, especially since Artugger, her fiance, will be in Tennessee, shooting a film. The two lovers invite Joe to stay at their place...and ask if he's available to write the script)

Skimble: You know, I think I will be available in the New Year. In fact, I'm available right now.

Bomb: Joe, that's great!

(the effects of alcohol and catnip are setting in...)

Skimble: Hey Artugger, where's your phone?

Tugger: Under the *hic* bar.

Skimble: Hey Artugger, you think you could put me up for a couple of weeks?
Tugger: (who by now is REALLY drunk and high...don't try this at home) It jusht sho happensh we've got a vacanshy under the *hic* couch...

Skimble: Er...I'll take it.

(He goes to the phone and calls the house on Sunset. Max picks up.)

Old D: Yes?

Skimble: Max, it's Mr. Skimblis. I want you to do me a favor.

Old D: I'm sorry, Mr. Skimblis, I can't talk right now.

Skimble: Listen, I want you to take my old suitcases...

Old D: I'm sorry, I am attending to Madame.

Skimble: What do you mean?

Old D: Madame found a razor in your room. And she's cut her paws.

(So as the drunk cats ring in the new year...and pass out...Joe bails out on the party and goes back to the house on Sunset. When he gets there, Norma sees him...)

Griz: Go away.

Skimble: What kind of silly thing was that to do?

Griz: I'll do it again! I'll do it again! I'll do it again!

Vicky: Poor Norma!

Jenny: She needs to get help!

Nearby Toms: AMEN, JENNYANYDOTS!

Skimble: "Attractive headline: Great Star Kills Herself for Unknown Writer".

Griz: Great stars have great pride. You must have some queen. Why don't you go to her?

Skimble: I never meant to hurt you, Norma. You've been good to me. You're the only cat in this stinking town that's ever been good to me.

Griz: Then why don't you say thank you and go? Go, go! GO!

Julie: She can sing and act too! Is there any wonder why I love her?

(Joe sits near Norma on the sofa and kisses her...or at least licks one of her paws to get the taste of alcohol out of his mouth...)

Skimble: Happy New Year.

(Norma reaches and wraps her bandaged paws around Joe.)

Griz: Happy New Year, darling.

(They kiss.)

*END OF ACT ONE*

Griz: Jeez, Skimbleshanks, that one shot of bourbon you drank in that party scene smelled like ten on your breath!

Skimble: Well excuuuuse me!

Matt: Juliet, sit tight. I gotta call a break, so I can revive the passed-out cats....

Skimble: ...And please fix that leak in the roof...

(Matt doesn't hear him. He's too busy making a pot of black coffee for the drunken cats to consume once they come to...)

Veroni: (still flat on the floor) I could use a shot of whiskey to numb the incredible bruise that is my body. Anyone? Hello?