(It's a dark night in the Jellicles' junkyard. Juliet is busy affixing packets of ketchup to some of the toms and painting over them so it matches their fur.)

MATT: OK, kitties, it's time for yet another great parody!

MISTOFFOLEES: Why, Matt?! We're not even done with "The Cats' Pajama Game" yet!

MATT: Because I could only get the libretto to "Sweeney Todd" by checking out the CD from the school library, and they want it back in a week. Plus, I'll be recording it on my CD recorder.

SKIMBLESHANKS: I didn't know you knew how to work one of those!

DEMETER: Why not? Cats have been reported to know how to turn on the radio, answering machine, and answer the phone, so why not learn how to use a CD recorder?

(Old Deuteronomy approaches Matt.)

OLD DEUTERONOMY: Uh, Matt, about my role. How come I'm the bad guy for the second parody in a row?

MATT: Because you were just the right age for the part. And Old Man Hasler isn't exactly a bad guy in "The Pajama Game" either, it's all in how you perceive him.

OLD D: But Judge Turpin IS a bad guy! A lecherous old man who likes women half his age...and does anything to get her...this is so not like me at all.

MATT: I think you owe your fans one more performance as a bad guy, after that lame interpretation of Uncle Ernie in "Carby".

(Munkustrap then comes up to Matt...)

MUNKUSTRAP: I really appreciate your giving me the title role, Matt, but these razors can't cut through butter.

MATT: They're not supposed to. They're only prop razors!

MUNKU: Ah, the heck with it. We need to make this look convincing, I'll just use my claws.

MATT: Smart thinking.

JULIE: Uh, Matt, we have a problem. It's Grizabella again.

MATT: Oh boy. What is it now?

(Grizabella approaches.)

GRIZABELLA: Mr. DeMille, I just looked at the script, and really now, do you think this part is me? A BEGGAR?!

MATT: First of all, for the millionth time, I'm NOT Mr. DeMille! Second...the beggar is a bit of a mental case, and, uh...

GRIZ: Are you all saying I'm a mental case?

(other cats slowly nod their heads "yes")

GRIZ: I AM THE GREATEST STAR OF THEM ALL!!!!!

JULIE: Are you guys satisfied?! I should give Griz her pills...

(She does, Griz calms down, and...)

MATT: All right gang, let the bloodbath BEGIN!

JEMIMA: Ewwwww!

(It's London, at the height of the Industrial Revolution. Two gravedigger cats--Mungojerrie and Carbucketty--dig a grave. As they dig, they disappear into the earth. An organist--Gus--comes out and plays funeral music...but why is he using a Casio keyboard from the 80's?!)

GUS: Hey, it's all we could afford.

(The two gravedigger cats come out and then the rest of the chorus cats take the stage and begin to sing...)

MUNGO: Attend the tale of Sweaty Todd

'Is fur was pale and his eye was odd

'E shaived the faices of gentletoms

'Oo after they visited were roight gone

'E trod a path that few 'ave trod

Did Sweaty Todd

The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.

CARB: He kept a shop in London town

Of fancy clients and good renown

And what if all of their souls were doomed

They went to their maker impeccably groomed

By Sweaty

By Sweaty Todd

The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.

POUNCIVAL: Is most of this play sung?

MATT: It sure is!

POUNCE: Oh man...

MATT: What was that?

POUNCE: I said...Oh man, I can't wait to sing some more!

(Back on stage...Mungojerrie and Carbucketty have taken a body bag (filled with old socks) and dumped it into the grave)

CHORUS CATS: Swing your claws wide, Sweaty

Hold them to the skies

Freely flows the blood of

Those who moralize!

His needs were few, his room was bare

A lavabo and a fancy chair

A mug of suds and a scratching post

A pail and a mop when they gave up the ghost

For neatness he deserved a nod.

Did Sweaty Todd

The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.

(After a few more verses like this, Sweaty Todd himself rises from the grave and sings.)

MUNKU: Attend the tale of Sweaty Todd.

He served a dark and vengeful god.

What happened then, well that's the play

And he wouldn't want us to give it away...

TUMBLEBRUTUS: HE doesn't, but WE do!

MUNKU: Not Sweaty

Not Sweaty Todd...

ALL: The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street!

(A small boat appears, and is sailing towards London. In the boat are Sweaty Todd, a sailor named Antugny Hope, and the navigator--Gus in his Growltiger costume.)

TUMBLE: If HE'S the navigator, then they're not headed to London, they're headed to Brazil, given his sense of direction.

TUGGER: Do I have to sing this? I look like a wienie in this sailor suit...and this guy is too squeaky-clean for me.

MATT: Just be thankful you have a big part, after all the smallish roles I've given you lately.

TUGGER: Point taken...(gets into character and sings)

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders

From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru

But there's no place like London

I feel home again.

I could hear the city bells

Ring whatever I would do...

TUGGER AND MUNKU: No, there's no place like London.

TUGGER: Mr. Todd, sir?

MUNKU: You are young. Life has been kind to you. You will learn. (they get out of the boat...but Munku misses that one step and falls flat on his face. While the backstage cats are laughing at him, he quickly picks himself up, staying in character.) So, Antugny, it is here we go our several ways. Farewell. I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful nor the young tom who saved my life.

(A crazy beggar queen approaches the two...)

GRIZ: Alms...alms...for a miserable queen on a miserable chilly morning...

(Antugny drops a coin in her bowl...and tries to proposition him into having a...er...good time. Seeing that Antugny's not a taker, she goes to Sweaty Todd...)

GRIZ: Alms...alms..for a pitiful woman wot's got wanderin' wits...Hey, don't I know you, mister? (she stares intensely at him)

MUNKU: Must you glare at me, queen? Off with you! Off, I say!

(The beggar doesn't take the hint and still tries to proposition Todd.)

MUNKU: Off, I said! To Firefrorefiddle with you! (she scoots off)

TUGGER: Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her.

JULIE: Uh, I've seen Griz in "diva mode". Only I can handle her.

POUNCE: Yeah, everyone else fears her when she acts like the diva...

ELECTRA: Which is pretty much all of the time.

TUGGER: MAY I CONTINUE? (gets back into character)

She was only a half-crazed beggar queen. London's full of them.

MUNKU: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

And it's morals aren't worth what a pig could spit

And it goes by the name of London.

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo

Turning beauty into filth and greed, I too

Have sailed the world and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of cats is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London...

(changes the song)

There was a groomer and his wife

And she was beautiful

A foolish groomer and his wife

She was his reason and his life

And she was beautiful

And she was virtuous

And he was--naive.

MATT: See how he's baring his soul in this song?

(Pouncival and Tumblebrutus, who had been playing "rock, paper, scissors" during the song, just give Matt one of those "are you nuts?" kitty looks. They resume their game.)

MATT: Now I see what Veroni means when she says "Why do I even bother?!"

MUNKU: (still singing)

There was another tom who saw

That she was beautiful

A pious vulture of the law...

OLD D: I'm a cat, not a vulture!

MUNKU: Who with a gesture of his claw

Removed the groomer from his plate

Then there was nothing but to wait

And she would fall

So soft, so young, so lost, and oh, so beautiful!

TUGGER: The queen, sir! Did she succumb?

MUNKU: Oh, that was many years ago...

I doubt if anyone would know...

Now leave me, Antugny, I beg of you. There's somewhere I must go, something I must find out. Now. And alone.

TUGGER: So long then, Mr. Todd. (He takes off.)

MUNKU: (sings again)

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And it's filled with people who are filled with...*beep*

(Well, since this musical borders on a PG rating as it is, we'll just skip ahead a few lines. Sweaty Todd walks along the street where he sees a pie shop, run by Mrs. Dotsett.)

JENNYANYDOTS: And why did I get this part?

LEC: Maybe it's because you look the most like Angela Lansbury.

JENNY: You mean that sweet little old lady who solves the murders? Oh dear, I never knew she had a wild side...well, lucky for me, I ALREADY HAD ONE!

(Anyhoo, Mrs. Dotsett sings a song about how she makes the worst meat pies in all of London, and her competitor has resorted to putting humans in meat pies...)

POUNCE: Which is a role reversal because in the original play, the humans put cats in the meat pies...

(The cats within a five degree radius of Pounce head to the cat box and we hear some sounds you would hear on a Nine Inch Nails CD...)

(The song continues about how hard times are for Mrs. Dotsett, with the lack of Grade A meat...)

VICKY, LEC, JEMI, CET: It's the hard knock life for us...

MATT: I can't even begin to tell you how wrong that is.

(...anyway, Todd makes a suggestion...)

MUNKU: Isn't that a room up there over the pie shop? If times are so hard, why don't you rent it out? That should bring in something.

JENNY: Up there? Oh, no one will go near it. People think it's haunted. You see, years ago, something happened up there. Something not very nice...

(Mrs. Dotsett basically sings the same song we heard Sweaty sing earlier about the groomer and his wife...and how the wicked Judge Deuterpin and his friend, the Beadle Bustoford sent the groomer away while they tried to get at his wife at a party.)

MUNKU: Would no one have mercy on her?

JENNY: So it is you--Benjamunk Barkerstrap!

MUNKU: Not Barkerstrap! TODD now! Sweaty Todd!

(So there's more dialogue here...basically Todd's wife took poison and his daughter, Jemanna, is the ward of Judge Deuterpin. Mrs. Dotsett brings out a set of combs that she had hid when the Judge and Beadle came for Jemanna. Todd, however, wants to do more than be a groomer again...baring his claws, he vows revenge on Judge Deuterpin and the Beadle!)

LEC: Jeez, Matt, your narrations are worse than Old Deuteronomy's!

JENNY: My, them combs is chased silver, ain't they?

MUNKU: Silver, yes.

(looks into the box, then stares at his claws)

(sings)

These are my claws

See how they glisten

See this one shine

How he smiles in the light

My claws, my faithful claws!

(Anyway, he goes on like this...his combs and claws will soon drip rubies...and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what THOSE are...)

JEMI: EWWWWWW!!!!!

MUNKU: (with a grooming comb in one paw and with another paw's claws bared) AT LAST MY PAWS ARE COMPLETE AGAIN!!!!!

(The chorus cats reappear)

CHORUS CATS: Lift your claws high, Sweaty

Hear them singing "Yes!"

Sink it in the rosy skin

Of righteousness!

His voice was soft and his manner mild

He seldom laughed but he often smiled...

POUNCE: But we laugh all the time...at Munkustrap!

CHORUS CATS: He'd seen how civilized cats behave

He never forgot and he often forgave

Not Sweaty

Not Sweaty Todd

The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.

(Everyone disappears. We hear birds chirping, and for once they're not the ones Macavity saw after that double concussion in "Oklahomeow!". They're coming from the wares of a bird seller--Rumpleteazer--outside Judge Deuterpin's house. Jemanna, Sweaty's daughter, is singing...)

JEMI: Green finch and linnet bird,

Nightingale, blackbird,

How is it you can sing?

How can you jubilate,

Sitting in cages

Never taking wing?

Outside the sky waits,

Beckoning, beckoning

Just beyond the bars...

How can you remain

Staring at the rain

Maddened by the stars?

How is it you sing anything?

How is it you sing?

(stops) How is it ANYONE can sing this?!?!?! These are notes that are hard to hit!

(Anyway, Antugny notices Jemanna and is instantly smitten by her. The beggar lady reappears and tells him that she is Jemanna and is Judge Deuterpin's ward, and if he so much as touches her, he's toast...)

TUGGER: Do I HAVE to sing THIS song?!

JULIE: Well, since it's my favorite song...and I can scratch you into next week...YES!

TUGGER: Matt, what does your friend have against me? What did I do to her?

MATT: I'm staying out of this one.

TUGGER: All right, I'll sing the darn song...

I feeeeel you, Jemaaaaaaanna,

I feel you

I was half convinced I'd waken

Satisfied enough to dream you.

Happily I was mistaken,

Jemanna!

I'll steeeeaaaal you, Jemaaaana,

I'll steal you

Do they think that walls can hide you?

Even now I'm at your window

I am in the dark beside you,

Buried sweetly in your yellow fur...

I feeeeeeel you, Jemaaaaana... (coughs loudly and barfs up a hairball)

Let's just say I finished that, OK?

(Well, so the Tugger can recover, we go to the next scene. It's in a public marketplace, and a young cat named Mistobias is trying to attract a crowd. Several people are attracted to him because of the horse and cart behind him, which advertises Adolfo Skimbelli's Miracle Elixir. Among those attracted are Todd, Mrs. Dotsett, and the Beadle Bustoford.)

BUSTOPHER: And explain again why I'm the Beadle?

MATT: Well, er, it's...uh...

POUNCE: It's because every actor Matt's seen as the Beadle has a bit of a weight problem.

TUMBLE: Yeah...the problem is the Beadle never loses weight, he just keeps on finding it.

BUSTOPHER: Well, I never!

(The Tugger is still trying to get the taste of the hairball out of his mouth, so the standard response is not heard.)

JULIE: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

MISTO: May I sing this stupid song please?

MATT: STUPID?!

MISTO: Did I say "stupid"? I said "stupendous"!

(gets into character)

Queens and gentletoms! May I have your attention please!

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

To discover your pillow is covered with fur

Wot ought not to be there?!

(This huckster continues, Mistobias claims that he was suffering from a disease where he was left bald, but now he has a beautiful mane of fur. How did he get it?)

MISTO: (sings)

'Twas Skimbelli's magical elixir

That's what did the trick, sir

True, sir, true.

Was it quick, sir?

Did it in a tick, sir

Just like an elixir ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?

Only costs a penny, guaranteed!

(Anyway, the crowd is drawn in and are buying bottles... until Mrs. Dotsett and Sweaty Todd say that the elixir is really...er...body waste with ink.)

JEMI: EWWWWWWW!!!!!

(Anyhow, the crowd demands that Skimbelli come out...)

SKIMBLE: I AM NOT SINGING WITH THIS SPAGHETTI-BENDER ITALIAN ACCENT!!!

MATT: Relax, Skimble, you just get one song, another scene, then you're out until the big finish.

SKIMBLE: That's still too much for me...(gets in character)

I am Adolfo Skimbelli,

Da king of groomers, da groomer of-a kings!

Eh, buon giorno, good day, I blow you a kiss!

And-a I, da so-famous Skimbelli

I wish-a to know-a

Who has-a da nerve-a to say

My elixir is *beep*

Who says-a this?!

MUNKU: I do!

OTHER CATS: (holding their noses) SO DO WE!

MUNKU: I am Mr. Sweaty Todd. I have opened this bottle of Skimbelli's Elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud. And furthermore, Signor, I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can trim a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!

OTHER CATS: Oooooooohh...

SKIMBLE: You hear zis foolish-a tom? Watch and-a see how he will-a regret his folly.

MUNKU: Will Beadle Bustoford be the judge?

BUSTOPHER: Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors.

(Two toms sit on groomer tables.)

BUSTOPHER: Ready?

SKIMBLE AND MUNKU: Ready!

(Anyway, to make a long scene short, Todd beats Skimbelli in both the trim and extraction. Beadle Bustoford announces Todd the winner, and promises to visit Todd's Fleet Street groomer's, which has been renovated as a new wooden chair is brought in. Although Todd wants to give the Beadle and Judge the shave of a lifetime...or afterlifetime...Skimbelli comes in, and reveals himself as an apprentice to Benjamunk Barkerstrap. Todd strangles him, and slits his throat while Mrs. Dotsett diverts Mistobias.)

SKIMBLE: Didn't I get a song in there somewhere?

MATT: Hey, you were the one who said you didn't want to sing in the stereotype Italian accent. I thought I'd save you the trouble.

(So we go back to Judge Deuterpin's house. He is in his judge's clothes.)

OLD D: Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, mea maxima maxima culpa.

Everlasting Cat, deliver me! Release me! Forgive me! Restrain me! Pervade me!

(he looks in the keyhole to Jemanna's room)

JELLYLORUM: Dirty old tom!

OLD D: Jemanna, Jemanna

So suddenly a queen

The light behind the window

It penetrates your gown...

Jemanna, Jemanna,

The sun, I see the sun through your...

NO!

EVERLASTING CAT!

DELIVER ME!

(his booming voice nearly shakes everything in the junkyard)

POUNCE: Jeez, Old D, switch to decaf!

OLD D: DELIVER ME! (rips his robes off...)

MATT: Oh boy, the costume rental is going to chew me alive for this one.

OLD D: DOWN...DOWN...DOWN...

Jemanna, Jemanna

I watch you from the shadows

You sigh before your window

And gaze upon the town

Your lips part, Jemanna

So young and soft and beautiful...

(slaps himself in the face) EVERLASTING CAT!

(hits himself repeatedly)

DELIVER ME!

FILTH!

LEAVE ME!

JEMANNA!

JEMANNA!

I treasured you in innocence

And loved you like a daughter

You mock me, Jemanna

You tempt me with your innocence

You tempt me with those quivering...

(hits himself again and again)

NO!

EVERLASTING CAT!

DELIVER ME!

IT WILL..

STOP...

NOW! IT WILL...

STOP...

RIGHT...

NOW...

RIGHT...

NOW...

RIGHT...

NOW!

POUNCE: That does it, no coffee for him, period!

TUMBLE: That stuff must anger up the blood of old cats or something!

OLD D: Jemanna, Jemanna, I cannot keep you longer.

The world is at your window, you want to fly away.

You stir me, Jemanna,

So suddenly a queen

I cannot watch you one more day--!

(hits himself again)

EVERLASTING CAT!

DELIVER ME!

EVERLASTING CAT!

DELIVER ME!

EVERLASTING CAT!

DELIVER--

EVERLASTING CAT!!

JULIE: I can't watch any more of this!

OLD D: Jemanna, Jemanna,

I'll keep you here forever.

I'll wed you on the morrow.

FEMALE KITTENS: Ewwwwww!

MATT: Please, let him finish! I don't know if he can take any more self-punishment!

OLD D: Jemanna, Jemanna,

The world will never touch you,

I'll wed you on the morrow.

As years pass, Jemanna,

You'll tend me in my solitude,

No longer as a daughter,

As a queen...

Jemanna, Jemanna,

I'll hold you here forever then

You'll keep away from windows and

You'll

DELIVER ME

JEMANNA

FROM THIS

HOT

RED

DEVIL

WITH YOUR

SOFT

WHITE

COOL

VIRGIN

PALMS...

(stops) OK, OK, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I hope I don't have to inflict this much abuse on myself for the rest of the play! Good Heavyside!!!!

(Well, we want Old D to recover from his self-inflicted damage, so he tells Jemanna he's going to marry her because he knows that Antugny has been hanging around the house. Antugny hears and they make plans to elope.)

ALL: Awwwww.

(The judge, however, was unaware of this, as he left after announcing his own intentions to Jemanna. So he and the Beadle are walking home from the courthouse...)

OLD D: Come, walk home with me. I have news for you. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry Jemanna next Monday.

BUSTOPHER: Ah, sir, happy news indeed.

OLD D: Strange, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance.

LEC: You would too, if you had to marry a guy half your age!

BOMBALURINA: Here we go. "Furball on the Roof" flashbacks yet again!

DEMETER: Yeah, but I don't think Tevye ever wanted to bump off Lazar Wolf.

BUSTOPHER: (sings) Excuse me, my lord,

May I request, my lord,

Permission, my lord, to speak?

Forgive me if I suggest, my lord

There's powder upon your vest, my lord

And stubble upon your cheek,

And queens, my lord, are weak.

Queens in their sensitivities, my lord,

Have a fragile sensibility,

When a queen's emergent

Probably it's urgent

You defer to her gentility my lord...

(Anyway, these songs are starting to drag, so let's just say that the Beadle recommends Sweaty Todd's groomer shop to Judge Deuterpin, while Antugny and Jemanna confirm their elopement plans. Meanwhile, back at the groomer's, Todd is cleaning his razor. Mrs. Dotsett comes upstairs and finds out that Skimbelli was murdered...and when Todd explains why he did it, she lets it slide. Judge Deuterpin then enters, and Mrs. Dotsett takes off...)

MUNKU: And what may I do for you, sir? A stylish trimming of the fur? A soothing ear massage?

OLD D: You see sir, a tom infatuate with love,

Her ardent and eager slave

So fetch the pomade and pumice stone

And lend me a more seductive tone,

A sprinkling, perhaps, of french cologne

But first, sir, I think, a shave.

(Todd grins an evil grin.)

MUNKU: The closest I ever gave!

(He puts a sheet over Judge Deuterpin, and after requesting the Judge remove his collar, tucks the bib in, whistling all the while.)

OLD D: You're in a merry mood today, Mr. Todd.

MUNKU: 'Tis your delight, sir, catching fire from one man to the next.

OLD D: 'Tis true, sir, love can still inspire the blood to pound, the heart leap higher.

POUNCE: (half staring at Juliet, half writing what Old D is saying down) Slow down, Old D, I need to learn these pickup lines fast!

JULIE: Don't even try it, half-pint.

MUNKU AND OLD D: What more, what more can man require--

OLD D: Than love, sir?

MUNKU: More than love, sir.

OLD D: What, sir?

MUNKU: Queens.

OLD D: Ah yes, queens.

MUNKU: Pretty queens.

(The judge starts to hum, Todd whistles, combs some of the tangles out of the Judge's fur, and then sharpens his claws rhythmically against a scratching post. The Judge is relaxed enough so that he closes his eyes.)

MUNKU: Now then, my claws

Now to your purpose

Patience, enjoy it.

Revenge can't be taken in haste.

VICKY: I wish he'd kill him already, so we can finish up "The Cats' Pajama Game".

POUNCE: You LIKE that play?!

VICKY: No, but I hate to leave a parody unfinished.

OLD D: (wakes up) Make haste, and if we wed, you'll be commended, sir.

MUNKU: My lord...and who, may it be said, is your intended, sir?

OLD D: My ward. And pretty as a rosebud.

(Todd freezes up. The judge relaxes again, closing his eyes.)

MUNKU: Pretty as her mother?

OLD D: What? What was that?

(Todd almost brings his claws to the Judge's throat... well, closer to that ketchup packet camouflaged on Old D's neck...when the Judge opens his eyes and wonder what's taking so long. Todd quickly shampoos his fur and begins to trim it with his claws.)

MUNKU: Oh, nothing, sir, nothing, nothing, cut, cut, blood, spurt, murder, artery, Hitchcock, Psycho...

LEC: And that was our Monty Python Reference of the Fic, folks!

MUNKU: (back into character) May we proceed?

(sings)

Pretty kitties

Fascinating

Eating cat food

Dancing

Pretty kitties

Are a wonder

Pretty kitties

Sitting in the window

Or standing on the stair

Something in them

Cheers the air

Pretty kitties...

(You get the idea, right? Anyway, Todd is about to dig his claws into the Judge's throat big time, with blood and guts everywhere, when Antugny runs into the shop...)

TUGGER: She says she'll marry me Sunday! Everything's set, we leave tonight!

OLD D: YOU!!!

TUGGER: Judge Deuterpin!

OLD D: There is indeed a Higher Power to warn me thus in time. Jemanna elope with you? I'll lock her up in some obscure retreat where neither you nor any other vile, corrupting tom shall ever lay eyes on her again!

TUGGER: But sir, I beg of you...

OLD D: And as for you, groomer, it is all too clear what company you keep. Service them well and hold their custom-for you'll have none of mine! (he exits)

TUGGER: Mr. Todd...

MUNKU: OUT! Out, I say! OUT!!!!

(Antugny takes off, with Todd standing there, upset because he missed his big chance to bump off the Judge. Mrs. Dotsett has seen the Judge and Antugny split, and heads up the stairs.)

JENNY: All this running and shouting. What is it now, dear?

MUNKU: I had him! And then...

TUMBLE: He screwed up so the play could be dragged out for another hour!

JENNY: I know. The sailor busted in. I saw them both running down the street and I said to myself, "Oh, the fat's in the fire--"

CARB: Uh, that doesn't happen until Act 2.

VICKY: Don't give so much away, Carbucketty!

BUSTOPHER: (who hasn't gotten so far as to reading Act 2 in the script, flips ahead a few pages) *gulp*

MUNKU: I HAD HIM!

His throat was bare beneath my hand...!

JENNY: Now, now, dear. Don't fret.

MUNKU: No, I HAD HIM!

His throat was there and he'll never come again!

JENNY: Easy now.

Hush, love, hush.

I keep telling you--

MUNKU: When?

JENNY: What's your rush?

MUNKU: Why did I wait?

You told me to wait!

Now he'll never come again!

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And it's filled with cats who are filled with *bleep*

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

But not for long!

They all deserve to DIE!

Tell you why, Mrs. Dotsett, tell you why!

Because in all of the whole Jellicle race, Mrs. Dotsett,

There are two kinds of cats and only two.

There's the one staying put in his proper place

And the one with his foot in the other one's face

Look at me, Mrs. Dotsett, look at you.

No, we all deserve to die.

Tell you why, Mrs. Dotsett, tell you why.

Because the lives of the wicked should be...made brief.

For the rest of us, death will be a relief.

VICKY: Wow, Munkustrap's really getting into his part!

DEM: He's so bold, in a demented sort of way.

VICKY: Puh-lease! If it was Macavity playing Sweeney, you'd be scared out of your wits.

DEM: It's all in who you're coupled with.

(There's just one small problem...what to do with the late Skimbelli, who is currently worm food in a trunk. A great idea comes over Mrs. Dotsett...with meat as scarce as it is...why not put CATS in the MEAT PIES?!)

ALL: EWWWWWW!

MISTO: I thought we got all this cannibalism out of our system during "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show".

(So anyway, Todd and Mrs. Dotsett get wrapped up in their idea, as Mrs. Dotsett puts an imaginary pie in front of him...)

BACKSTAGE CATS: (to the tune of the Hallelujah Chorus) Thaaaaat's disgusting, Hallelujah...

JENNY: Here we are now, hot out of the oven.

MUNKU: What is that?

JENNY: It's priest.

(sings)

Have a little priest.

MUNKU: Is it really good?

JENNY: Sir, it's too good at least.

Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh

So it's pretty fresh.

MUNKU: Awful lot of fat.

JENNY: Only where it sat.

MUNKU: Haven't you got poet or something like that?

JENNY: No, you see, the trouble with poet is

How do you know it's deceased? Try the priest!

MUNKU: (pretends to eat the meat pie) Mmm, heavenly. Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate, either.

JENNY: And good for business--always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays.

(The backstage cats are retching.)

JENNY: (continues) Lawyer's rather nice.

MUNKU: If it's for a price.

JENNY: Order something else though, to follow,

Since no one should swallow it twice.

MUNKU: Have you any dean?

JENNY: No but if you're British and loyal you might enjoy Royal Marine.

Anyway it's clean.

Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it's been.

MUNKU: Is that squire on the fire?

JENNY: Mercy no, sir, look closer, you'll notice it's grocer.

MUNKU: Looks thicker. More like vicar.

JENNY: No, it has to be grocer--it's green.

(The backstage cats are getting more and more grossed out. Tumblebrutus throws up on Pouncival, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer throw up on Victoria, and seven cats take turns throwing up into a shoe. Jennyanydots and Munkustrap go on undaunted by the veritable barf-o-rama going on backstage.)

MUNKU: The history of the world, my love...

JENNY: Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relatives favors.

MUNKU: Is those below serving those up above.

JENNY: Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors.

MUNKU: How gratifying for once to know...

MUNKU AND JENNY: That those above will serve those down below!

JENNY: Now let me see...(stares at imaginary meat pies)

We've got tinker...

MUNKU: No, no, something pinker.

JENNY: Tailor?

MUNKU: Paler.

JENNY: Butler?

MUNKU: Subtler.

JENNY: Potter?

MUNKU: Hotter.

JENNY: Locksmith?

(Todd can't think of a rhyme for that one...so Jenny resumes the song. Backstage, the puke-fest continues, as Pouncival has returned the favor and puked on Tumblebrutus, Macavity pukes on his henchcats, and Coricopat and Tantomile throw up into a garbage can.)

JENNY: Lovely bit of clerk.

MUNKU: Maybe for a lark

JENNY: Then again there's sweep if you want it cheap

And you like it dark.

Try the financier

Peak of his career

MUNKU: That looks pretty rank.

JENNY: Well he drank.

It's a bank cashier

Last one really sold

Wasn't quite so old.

MUNKU: Have you any BEADLE?

JENNY: Next week so I'm told

Beadle isn't bad till you smell it

And notice how well it's been greased...

Stick to priest!

(More puking goes on backstage, as poor Jellylorum runs around trying to find buckets for the grossed-out cats to vomit in.)

JELLY: AAAHHHH!!!

JENNY: Now this might be a bit stringy, but then of course, it's fiddle player.

MUNKU: No, no, this isn't fiddle player, it's piccolo player.

JENNY: How can you tell?

MUNKU: It's piping hot!

JENNY: Then blow on it first!

MUNKU: The history of the world, my sweet...

JENNY: Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh Mr. Todd, what does it tell?

MUNKU: Is who gets eaten and who gets to eat!

JENNY: And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd, who gets to sell!

MUNKU: But fortunately, it's also clear...

MUNKU AND JENNY: That everybody goes down well with beer...

(Since this song is starting to get really disgusting, and I'm probably going to be the one who cleans up all the puke backstage, let's just cut to the end...)

MUNKU: I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

Have charity toward the world, my pet...

JENNY: Yes, yes, I know, my love...

MUNKU: We'll take the customers we can get!

JENNY: High-born and low, my love!

MUNKU: We'll not discriminate great form small.

No we'll serve anyone...

Meaning anyone...

MUNKU AND JENNY: And to anyone at all!

*END OF ACT I*

JULIE: Uh, Matt, I think you'd better call a break NOW.

TUGGER: Me too! (goes up to the director's chair. Matt jumps up quickly before Tugger throws up on it.)

MATT: Ugh...you're right. Break time! (throws up)

VERONI: (walking around with a gas mask on, starts singing along to *The Rumor* from "Furball on the Roof")

(singing)

And that's what comes from Canaba-li-stic..

Dinner! (bows, spraying Lysol as she leaves)