Veroni- (whispering) Cutting back to the parody at hand. (curses the HTML gods as she walks away)

MUNGO- the cow, the cape, the slipper

RUMPLE- The fur!!!!

DEM- Geez, don't these people ever take turns?? everyone is talking at once!

MUNGO+BOMB- Into the woods it's time to go

It may be vain,you and I know

Into the woods

and even so

I have to take the journey

MUNGO+ RUMPLE- Into the woods

the path is straight I know it well

into the woods but who can tell----

Into the woods ta' lift the spell!

BOMB- Into the woods to vist mother!

TUGGER- Who just so happens to be six feet under

RUMPLE- Into the woods ta' fetch the things...

MISTO- Again with the fetching!

MUNGO- Ta' make the potion

BOMB- To go to the festivel!

JEM- (comes skipping by) Into the woods to grandmothers house!

Into the woods to grandmothers house!

ALL- The way is clear,

the light is good

we have no fear nore no one should

the woods are just trees

CET- (holding a camera up to her face) I'm so sorry

MISTO- CET would you stop with the *beep* and the *beep beep*

DANI- WRONG PARODY!!

RUMPLE+ MUNGO- The trees are just wood!

ALL- No need to be afraid there

MUNGO+BOMB- There's somthin' in the glade there!!

DEM- Geez these people are paranoid

DANI- ( smirks and breaks a window)

DEM- MACAVITY!!

DANI- Do I even have to say look who's talking?

DEM- Hey I had a traumatic kittenhood lay off!

ALL- Into the woods without delay and

careful not to loose the way!

into the woods who knows what may be lurking

on the journey

Into the woods to get the thing

TUGGER- Yeah the thing, that goes on the thing, that you use for that thing, you know! The thing!!

ALL- That makes it worth the journeying

Into the woods!

JENNY, CET, LEC- To see the king!

JELLY+MISTO- To sell the cow!

RUMPLE+MUNGO- ta' make the potion!!

ALL- To see..

to sell

to get

to bring

to make

to lift

POUNCE- Who had to lift somthing?

DANI- (shrugs)

CASS- I think they were just throwing verbs in there.

BOMB- To go to the festivel!

ALL- Into the woods and out of the woods

and home before dark!

(Set changes, cottages roll out of the way and trees roll in)

MISTO- I know I'm going to regret asking this, but is that it?

DANI- ( breaks out laughing)

VICKY- Uh-oh, that ain't good

DANI- *laugh* That *laugh* was *laugh*

MUNKU- Yeah very bad....

DANI- That was only the first song!!!

CATS- AHHHHHHHHH!! ( Twilight zone music)

POUNCE- You are about to enter a place where parodies go on forever, a place not of....

DANI- Oh quit it, all the songs aren't that long, so get cracking! places!!

BOMB- Great just great,

MUNKU- Bombarella had planted a branch at the grave of her mother,

and her many tears had watered it untill it had become a handsome tree

BOMB-I've been good and I've been kind, mother

Doing only what I learned from you

Why then am I left behind mother

Is there somthing more that I should do

What's wrong with me mother?

Something must be wrong!

LEC- Well for one you're talking to a tree.

DANI- EPP! Character recycling, JELLY!!!!

JELLY- Oh yes, this parody wasn't confusing enough already

BOMB- I wish!

(The ghost of Bombarella's mother appears in the tree)

MISTO- We see dead people.

JELLY- ( as Bombarella's mother) Do you know what you wish?

Are you certain what you wish is what you want?

If you know what you wish

ask the tree

POUNCE- Dear tree, please end this parody and smite the evil director! Amen.

DANI- ( spills coffee in Pounce's lap) Oops spilled my coffee.

POUNCE- (jumps up) AHH IT BURNS IT BURNS!!

BOMB- Shimmer and glimmer little tree

silver and gold rain down on me

(Birds carry a silver ballgown and golden shoes down)

I'm off to get my wish!! (runs off)

(Jack is roaming around the forest, is he greeted by a mystrious man you stays just long enough to say:)

MUNKU- (dressed in rags) You'd be lucky to exchange your cow for a sack of beans!!

CET-More recycling?

DANI- No, that's actully in the play, the narrator is supposed to play the mysterious man.

(In another part of the forest Little red Jemmy Hood encounters a wolf)

MAC- Good day young lady

JEM- Good day Mr. Wolf!

MAC- ( grunts lasciviously as he watches Little Red Jemmy Hood skip about)

Mmmmhhhh

Uhhhhh

Look at that flesh, pink and plump

JEM- HEY!!! ( Hits him repeatedly with her baskett)

MAC- Owwww, medic

DANI- That's not in the script!!!

JEM- He called me plump!!

DANI- You're not supposed to be able to hear him!

JEM- But I CAN hear him he's just standing over there!!

MUNGO- I wanna finish this soon so 'ere ( hands her ear plugs)

DANI- Hey thanks!

MUNGO- No problem.

MAC- (rubbing his head) Tender and fresh, not one lump

DANI- (motions for Jem to take her ear plugs out)

MAC- Hello little queen, what's your rush?

Your missing all the flowers

the sun won't set for hours

take your time

JEM- Mother said straight ahead

not to delay or be misled

POUNCE- Who ever listens to their moms?

MAC- But slow little queen, hark and hush

the birds are singing sweetly

POUNCE- (hides at the mention of birds)

MAC- You'll miss the birds completely

You're traveling so fleetly

Grandmother first then Miss Plu.....

DANI- SKIP IT!!!!

MAC- what a delectable couple, one brittle, one supple---

one moment my dear!!!!

JEM- Mother said "come what may, follow the path and never stray"

CASS- Seeing how this story goes, I doubt she listens to mommy.

MAC- Just so little queen, any path

so many worth exploring

just one can be so boring

And look what you're ignoreing

First come those crisp ageing bones

then somthing fresh on the palet

DEM- This is getting gross

MISTO- Getting?

VICKY- That ship has sailed.

MAC- There's no possible way, to desricbe how you feel

when your talking to your meal

JEM- Mother said not to stray,

but granny might like a fresh bouquet!

Good bye Mr. Wolf (leaves)

MAC- Good bye little queen

And helllllllloooooooooo ( howls)

DEM- You just love to freak us out don't you?

DANI- It's what I live for!

MAC- I can't believe I play a dog.

DANI- You're not a dog you're a wolf.

MAC- Oh that's alot better thanks ( goes off grumbleing)

MUNKU- Unknown to the Wolf and Little red Jemmy hood, the baker has wittnessed the whole scene and is concerned for the little girl's safty, but the witch admonishes him to forget about the girl and go after her cape "as red as blood", unfortunatly the baker is so frazzled, he forgets the ingredients to the spell.

LEC- That's just becuase he only hears it 20 times.

MUNGO- The cow as pure as gold the slipper as yella as corn the....

MUNKU- Luckily his wife, looking for any excuse to join him...

RUMPLE- (from behind a tree) The cow as white as milk the cape as red as blood the fur as yellow as corn the slipper as pure as gold,

MUNGO- What are you doing 'ere???!!!

RUMPLE- You forgot your scarf?

MUNGO- (rolls his eyes) GO 'OME!

(An arguement ensues about wheather she should return home but they stop fighting as Jack passes by )

RUMPLE- The cow, as white as * milk *

MUNGO- 'EY! Are you looking to sell the fine creature?

MISTO- Oh yes! My mother wanted me to bring her to market

MUNGO- 'Ow much are you askin'?

MISTO- (trying hard to remember) No less then five pounds!!

MUNKU-The bakers's wife suggests that Jack swap the cow for five of their six beans, which she leads him to belive are magic.

JENNY- Shame shame dear, lying is wrong

POUNCE- You're telling this to cats who make their living stealing?

JENNY- Oh yes...forgot for a moment.

MUNKU- Jack agrees to the exchange and bids a tearful farewell to his beloved cow.

POUNCE- I think now would be a bad time to tell what hambuger is made of.

MISTO- (to the cow) I guess this is the end ol' pal

CATS- (start to giggle)

MISTO- You've been the perfect friend

I hate to see us part ol' pal, but someday I'll buy you back

I'll see you soon again

I hope that when I do

It won't be on a plate

GRIZ- And they call me crazy!

MISTO- (runs off leaving the cow)

MUNGO- Magic beans?

RUMPLE- I 'ad to tell 'im somthing!

MUNGO- You 'ave no reason to belive they're magic!

MISTO- except you got them from a witch.

RUMPLE- 'E wouldn't have gotton more for this creature.

VICKY- Maybe he would have actually gotten a monatary unit.

MUNGO- Are we to dispel this curse through deceit?

DEM- Why not?

RUMPLE- If you know what you want

then you go

and you find it and you get it---

LEC- We want this parody to end.

MUNGO- ( pointing) 'OME!!

RUMPLE- Do we want a kitten or not?

and you give

and you take

and you bid

and your bargin

or you live to regret it

MUNGO- Will you PLEASE go 'ome??

CET- I don't think that's working.

RUMPLE- There are rights

and wrongs

and in betweens

no one waits while fortune intevenes

And maybe they're really magic, who knows?

Why you do

what do

that's the point

all the rest of it is chatter

MUNGO- (gesturing towards the cow) Look at 'er she's cryin!!!

MUNKU- Somebody's been going a bit heavy on the cat-nip...

RUMPLE- If the thing that you do

is pure intent

if it's ment

and it's just little bent

does it matter?

MUNGO- Yes.

MUNKU- This is the perfect song for them.

DEM- I'm surprised they haven't started doing cartwheels yet.

RUMPLE- NO! Everyone tells tiny lies

what's important really is the size!

TUGGER- *starts to snicker*

Dani- Gutter brain!!

RUMPLE- Only three more tries and we'll 'ave or prize

when the end's in sight you'll realize

if the ends it right

it justifies

the BEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNNSSSSSS

(Four glasses, a coffee mug, a crystel ducky,two windows, a bunch of empty liquer bottles and Bustopher's long breaking monocle shatter)

Bustopher- (walks off mumbling) I don't know why I even wear it any more I really don't, I'm the Saint James street cat for heavyside sake!

RUMPLE- I think Oi broke my "My Fair Jellicle" record!

MUNKU- The baker is upset about his wife's use of decite to secure the cow, and tells her to bring it home. Elsewhere the witch goes to vist Caspunzel, who spends her time singing and combing her fur.

CASS- What great hobbies, can't I build ships in a bottle, or do jig-saw puzzles?

GRIZ- Caspunzel, Caspunzel, let down your fur to me

CASS- (lets down a long wig "As Yellow as corn")

GRIZ- (starts to climb)

CASS- AAAAAAAHHHHHOWWWWWWWW!!!

DEM- That's not in the fairy tale!

DANI- Well she did have somebody climbing up her hair, it had to hurt!

MUNKU- Unknown to her is that she was seen by a Prince who is determined to ask Caspunzel to let her fur down to him the very next day. Meanwhile, elsewhere the baker is in pursuit of Little red Jemmy Hood who was swallowed by the wolf, who already ate grandma.

JEM- Ewwwwww, narsty.

MUNKU- As the baker passes by the cottage he hears the wolf dressed up like grandma snoring

MUNGO- What a big nose you 'ave, and big ears and big teeth... 'EY that ain't grandma!

TUGGER- How perceptive.

MUNKU- The baker rescues them both from the wolf and is rewarded by Little Red Jemmy Hood

JEM- Here sir I remember you admiring my cape, you can have it.

MUNGO- Really? Thank ya'!

JEM- It's alright! Grandma says she'll skin the wolf for me and make me a new one from its pelt ( laughs evily )

BOMB- Now that's a kitten with layers...

SKIMBLE- Just keep her away from sharp objects.

MUNKU- Back at his cottage Jack's mother isn't very pleased with the exchange

JENNY- Who would be? He trades a cow for 5 beans!

JELLY- BEANS???

MISTO- Magic beans!!!

JELLY- ( tosses them out the window)

MUNKU- And back in the forest

MISTO- Geez, think there could be anymore scene changes in here?

MUNKU- The baker's wife is making her way home when Bombarella comes into view. She is running from the Prince and hides behind a tree as he enters

TUGGER- (to Rumple) Peasent, have you seen a beautiful young queen run by here?

RUMPLE- ( kneeling and bowing) no sir I 'ave not

(The Prince believes her and runs into the forest to continue searching)

MISTO- Well that's the perfect role for Tugger, raving ego maniac.

BOMB- (comes out from her hiding spot) Is he gone?

RUMPLE- (standing up) 'E's gone

MUNKU- Enthralled by the Prince, the baker's wife starts bombarding Bombarella with questions about him

RUMPLE- What's 'e like?

BOMB- He's a very nice Prince

RUMPLE- And---?

BOMB- And it's a very nice ball!

LEC- I don't think she's seeing the point here.

RUMPLE- And---?

BOMB- And when I entered the trumpeted

RUMPLE- And the Prince?

BOMB- Oh the Prince

RUMPLE- Yes the Prince!

BOMB- Well he's tall...

RUMPLE- Is that all??

did you dance?

Is he charmin'?

they say that he's charmin'!

DEM- What is this the spainish Inquistioin?

POUNCE+ALONZO- No one expects the Spainish Inquisition!!!

DANI- That was our Monty Python reference of the fic folks.

BOMB- We did nothing but dance

RUMPLE- Yes---And?

BOMB- And it makes a nice change

RUMPLE- The prince?

BOMB- Oh the Prince...

RUMPLE- Yes the Prince

BOMB- He has charm for a Prince I guess

RUMPLE- Guess?

BOMB- I don't meet a wide range

RUMPLE- Did 'e speak? Did 'e flirt?

MISTO- Well we are talking Tugger here it's pretty much a given.

RUMPLE- Could you tell right away 'e was royalty?

Is 'e sensitive

cleaver

well-mannered

considerate

Passionate

charming

as kind as 'e's 'andsome?

As wise as 'e's rich?

MUNGO- 'Ey, why is she so interested in Tugger?

TUGGER- Who isn't interested in me?

DANI- RUN! Before we all get suffocated by Tugger's ego!

RUMPLE- Is 'e everything you ever wanted?

BOMB- Would I know?

RUMPLE- Well, I know!

BOMB- But how can you tell what you want

'till you get what you want and you see if you like it?

RUMPLE- Would I know?

BOMB- All I know---

RUMPLE- Is I never wish---

CET- Owww, this hurts my head!

JEM- That's just trying to think

LEC- Ohh, harsh

POUNCE- You're shows really bring out the worst of people don't they

DANI- And proud of it!

BOMB-What I want most of all

RUMPLE- Just within reason

BOMB- Is to know what I want!

RUMPLE- When you know you can't 'ave what you want

what's the point in wishin'?

BOTH- He's a very nice Prince...

MUNKU- At the first chime of midnight

RUMPLE- What I wouldn' give to be in your shoes!

DEM- They wouldn't fit you, Bomb has huge paws.

BOMB- Would you look at that huge beanstalk growing next to that little cottage!!!

RUMPLE-(looking at Bombarella's feet) are those slippers as pure as gold?

BOMB-I must get home!

RUMPLE- I NEED YOUR SHOES!!!

POUNCE- Oh yeah that would make me hand 'em over.

MUNKU- Real convincing.

(A moo is heard an Milky-white runs off)

RUMPLE- (chasing after the cow) Wait!!!!

MUNKU- The baker's wife chases after the cow and as the day goes on they go about their buissness, stopping just long enough to deliver various morals

VICKY- Oh yea, just when I thought this couldn't get worse

POUNCE- Throw in a little rectal surgery and it's my BEST DAY ever!!

MUNGO- One midnight gone!

MUNKU- (as mysterious man) No knot unties itself

TUGGER+ALONZO- The harder to get the better to have!

MUNKU- Fish and guests smell after three days

POUNCE- Make sure you have proper zipper clearance when changeing costumes.

DEM- Avoid insane directors at all costs

DANI- Are you done?

POUNCE- Oh sure go ahead.

LEC- Never wear mauve to a ball

CET- Or pink

JENNY- Or open your mouth

TUGGER- Especially if you're Etcetera.

MISTO- The difference between a cow and a bean is a bean can begin an adventure!

RUMPLE- And beans don' moo

JELLY- Sloted spoons don't hold much soup

JEM- (wearing the wolf) The prettier the flower, the farther from the path

MAC- ( wearing only a towel) She stole my costume!!

DANI- We don't have any extra, just keep your towel on

MAC- Is there a breeze in here or is it just me?

OLD D- The closer to the family the closer to the wine

CASS- Ah ah ah aha ah aha

GRIZ- ONE MIDNNIGHT GONE!

BOMB- Oppertunity is NOT a lenghty vistior

RUMPLE- You may know what you need

but to get what you want

it's better to keep what you 'ave

MUNGO- One midnight GONE!!

TUGGER- I notice people tend to repeat themselves alot in this show.

GRIZ- Sometimes the things that you want--- are not to be touched

TUGGER- The harder to get

ALONZO- The better to have

BOTH- Agreed!

MUNGO- One midnight gone!! One midnight gone!!

RUMPLE- To get what you want

better to keep what you 'ave

ALL- One mid-night gone

Into the woods

Into the woods

Into the woods

and out of the woods

and home before----

(Jack runs on stage and everyone backs away)

MISTO- There are pollicles in the sky!

Big tall terrible pollicles in the sky!

TUGGER- What kind of cat-nip is he on because I want some!!

MISTO- When you're way up high and you look below

at the world you left

and the things you know

little more then a glance is enough to show

just how small you are

You're free to do

whatever pleases you

exploring things you'd never dare

but you don't care

when suddnly

there's big tall terriable pollicle at the door

A big tall terrible lady pollicle

sweeping the floor

And she gives you food

and she gives you rest

and she draws you close to her giant chest

CATS- * giggle*

DANI- Let Misto do his song PLEASE!!

MISTO- Just when you think that you made a friend an all

DEM- A step up from cows I guess.

MISTO- And you know she's big and you don't feel small

someone bigger then her comes along the hall

to swallow you for lunch!

The fun

is done

you steal what you can and run

RUMPLE- 'EY! That's our job Misto!

MUNGO- You stick ta' magic we'll stick ta' stealing!!

MISTO- (ignoreing them) You scramble down to the world below

and the world you know

begins to grow!

The roof, your house

and your mother at the door

The roof, the house and the world you never thought to explore

And of all the things you've seen

and you wish you could live in-between

and your back again

only different then before...after the sky!

(The baker and his wife meet by chance and she is forced to tell him the cow got away. They go off in seperate directions and the baker's wife happens across two princes ,fascinated she ease drops)

TUGGER- How did I abuse her

or show her distain?

Why does she run from me?

DEM- Because you have a ego the size of South Africa?

TUGGER-How shall I regain?

The heart she has won from me?

Agony!

Beyond power of speach!

POUNCE- But not really because he's telling us about it anyway...

ALONZO- High in her tower

she sits by the hour

maintaining her fur

CASS- My character really should get a hobby.

ALONZO-Blithe and becoming

and frequently humming a

light hearted air

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

POUNCE- Who's killing Alonzo?

ALONZO- That was me humming numb-skull

POUNCE- Sorry I thought a Pollicle got you.

ALONZO- (glaring at Pounce) Agony

Far more painful then yours!

When you know she would go with you

if there only were doors!

BOTH- Agony, oh the torture they teach

MAC- Torture? What torture? Who?

DANI- Okey...

DEM- He's been so busy with Parodies he hasn't been able to do anything especailly evil, he's in withdrawl.

ALONZO-What's as intriguing

TUGGER- Or half so fatiguing

BOTH- As what's out of reach?

DEM- Can we have a word with you director girl?

DANI- Sure

POUNCE- We put toghter a petition to end this song

DANI- And why is that?

RUMPLE- It'll blow up Tugger's ego loike a balloon

DANI- You'll be able to put up with it

CATS- (walk off grumbling)

TUGGER- Am I not senseitve

clever

well-mannered

considerate

Passionate

charming

As kind as I'm handsome

and heir to the throne??

DEM- I guess he can't put humble in his list of attributes.

ALONZO- You are everything maidens could wish for

TUGGER- Then why no?

ALONZO- Should I know?

TUGGER- The girl must be mad

POUNCE- Or sane, if she was nuts she would be chasing after Tugger

CET- Hey! I resemble that remark!

POUNCE- See what I mean?

ALONZO- You know nothing of madness, 'till your climbing her hair

and you see her up there

all the while nearing her

all the while hearing her

ah-ah-ah-ah-aha

BOTH- AGONY!!

ALONZO- Misery!

TUGGER- Woe!

BOTH- Though it's diffrent to each

TUGGER- Always ten steps behind

ALONZO- Always ten feet below

BOTH- And she's just out of reach

Agony!

That can cut like a knife!

I must have her.... to wife

CET- NO TUGGER!! SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU LIKE I DO!!!

TUGGER- Don't worry theres enough to go around ( starts hip swiveling)

DANI- No no no! None of that!

TUGGER- Oh yeah, seeing how I am the great Rum-Tum-Tugger I demand a coffee break

DANI- You can have a coffee break at intermission

TUGGER- No I want a coffee break now!

CATS- (hold up a sign behind his back that says " We told you so")

DANI- How about (starts whispering in his ear and his eyes get wide)

TUGGER- Yes Director, sir.. MAM! I mean---

DANI- Good, nice that we have that cleared up.

MUNKU-Caspunzel's Prince tells his brother where his love is locked away and when he discribes her "fur as yellow as corn" The Baker's wife goes off in search of the maiden.

RUMPLE- Uhm... (fake deep voice) Caspunzel, let down your fur to me

CASS- Is that you my Prince?

RUMPLE- *ahem* Uh... Yeah

CASS- (lets down her fur)

RUMPLE- (back to normal voice) Sorry! ( starts yanking on it)

CASS- OWWWW

RUMPLE- (yanks again)

CASS- YEEEOOOOWWWWW

RUMPLE- (yanks a last time and gets a bunch of Casspunzel's fur and runs off)

MUNKU- Meanwhile the mysterious man has brought back the cow to the baker, and he runs back into his wife

MUNGO- TWO!! We 'ave two!!

RUMPLE- (wearing the fur like a boa) Three

CASS- (looking at her destroyed wig) Make-up? ( Tant and the make-up department start fixing it)

MUNGO- Huh?

RUMPLE- ( holding up the hair) Three!!

MUNGO- THREE!!!

TUGGER- Yes three, not one, not two, three!

MUNGO- We only need one more and we'll be able to break the spell

RUMPLE- I saw the shoe but she got away

MUNGO- It's alright, we'll get it! THREE!

RUMPLE- You've changed,

you're daring

you're different in the woods

More sure,

More sharin'

You're gettin' us through the woods!

If you could see

You're not the tom who started

much more open'earted

Then I knew you to be

MUNGO- It takes two

TUGGER-(singing) Takes two to tango, two to move...

DANI- Hey HEY! No 80's music!

MUNGO- I thought one was enough, it's not true

POUNCE- I could make a really dirty joke here--

DANI- Do it and I'll make the zipper incident during Everlasting Cat Superstar, look like a walk in the park.

POUNCE- (gulp)

MUNGO-It takes two of us

You came through

when the journey was rough

It took you

It took two of us!

It takes care

It takes patience and fear and disapair ta' change

though you swear ta' change

Who can tell if you do?

It takes two!

JEM- Hey why can't the rest of you toms be like that?

TUGGER- You mean that mushy lovey dovey junk?

BOMB- Yeah!

DEM- It's sexy!

RUMPLE- (out of character) 'EY! paws off Mungo's mine! (back in character)

You've changed

You're thrivin'

there's somthin' about the woods

Not just

survivin'

You're blossomin' in the woods

At 'ome

I'd fear, we'd stay the same forever

And then

out 'ere you're

passionate

charmin'

considerate

clever---

TUGGER- We all say, oh well, I never was there ever a cat so clever as...

DANI- You know it's the wrong play so I'm not even going to say it.

MUNGO- It takes one to begin

but once you've begun

it takes two of you

POUNCE- (biting his lip to keep from making a dirty joke)

MUNGO- It's no fun

But what needs to be done

can be done

when there's two of you

If I dare

It's because I'm becomin'

aware of us

as a pair of us

each acceptin' a share

of what's there

BOTH- It takes trust!

It takes just

a bit more and we're

done

We need four

we 'ad none

We've got three

We need one

It takes two!

POUNCE- (from backstage) Mooooooooooo

MUNKU- Suddenly out of the blue, Milky-white dies

(Cow model falls over, And the baker and his wife look at each other in horror, curtain closes)

DANI- Alright guys, guess what?

RUMPLE- (coming offstage) Wha'?

DANI- I'm giving you a short break, it's not intermission but you guys deserve it

CATS- (cheer and run off)