MEETING PEOPLE IN THESE FAST MODERN TIMES IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, ESPECIALLY

SINCE THE LAWS ON TRANQUILISER GUNS HAVE BEEN TIGHTENED. AS A SPECIAL FAVOUR TO OUR LOYAL READERS,

THE MANDRILL OFFERS A DISCREET INTRODUCTION SERVICE, IN WHICH PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR INTERESTS CUTTING-

EDGE SATIRICAL HUMOUR CAN MEET AND FLOUNDER IN THEIR OWN SOCIAL AND SEXUAL RETARDANCE.

 

PLEASE READ THE GUIDELINES

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

TIM COTTON

BORN: 4th January 1971

OCCUPATION: Horse Brassist

"I have been told on many occasions that I look like Fabio the big hunky model, but I think that this is twat and I look more like Harrison Ford eating a pasty. I'm looking for a woman who will appreciate my finer points, such as my limp and my split shins, which need ointment on a daily basis. I am interested in dogs, especially living ones. My ambition is to correctly guess the sex of fifty random mice released into a perspex box, and when I guess them all I will be given the mice and i will draw numbers on the mice , and attach a tube at the top and some blowers and run a bingo hall from my shed in my garden and my woman wil help me arrange all the seats."

 

JOHN RICE

BORN: 24th February 1968

OCCUPATION: Blood Finder

"Hi, I'm John, and I'm on the lookout for some kind of sexual congress, perhaps involving my winkle. But to do this I need to find some kind of lady. I mean a reaalll lady. Not just Uncle Terry in a dress.... THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!! I mean a lady who knows what a man like me needs... sexy talk, erotic ruderies... titties... Germolene... I am in need of some sweet sweet romantic humping, and the back of my Ford Escort as room enough to explore new vistas of erotic experience..."

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

TINA COLLINS

BORN: 27th March 1974

OCCUPATION: Passive Smoker

"I'm looking for a good , tall man. I cannot stand short men, and anyone under 5'6" makes me physically sick. I once saw Tom Cruise in the film Top Gun and nearly coughed up my lower intestines. I am allergic to curse words. My ears hum if I'm anywhere near a compact disc player. My feet hurt."

 

BELINDA COYLE

BORN: 31st November 1969

OCCUPATION: Cream

"I am an attractive older lady in the manner of Helen Mirren. I am willing to pay for up to half of any food bought on a date in return for a go on your drumkit. The man I imagine myself being with is an attractive younger man in the manner of Richard Beckinsale or Tony Gubba. Can mend a bike with my bare teethin under 16 seconds."

MAN SEEKING PIG

JOHN HANCOCK

BORN: 24th December 1920

OCCUPATION: Headmaster

"Look... don't tell anybody about this, but I like pigs. Serious, I love 'em... Just look at their curly tails above that big fat pink arse. I could watch that sight all day...fuck! I need a pig, but I need it on the QT, know what I mean? This cannot get out! I'm a respected member of the community. Preferably one of these Tamworth ones with the ginger hair... Kind of puts me in mind of Boris Becker. Get me one with a dodgy bowel. ...Hang on, can I hear a tape recorder..? No?... That's all right then... Like I said, I'm well respected..."

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN ANY ONE HERE, OR ARE YOU IN NEED OF A BIT OF THE OLD IN-OUT? PERHAPS YOU'RE JUST AN ATTENTION SEEKER, OR YOU WANT TO PLAY AN HILARIOUS PRANK ON A FRIEND WHO WILL BE CRUSHED BY YOUR CRUEL MOCKERY, AS HE'S HAVING A BIT OF A ROUGH TROT AT THE MO, WHAT WITH HIS WIFE AND KIDS DYING IN THAT CHEMICAL SPILL...

EITHER WAY, SEND US DETAILS HERE