this month's COMEDY LISTS

Sorry, it fills space...

TEN FAUX PAS COMMITTED DURING A ROMANTIC MEAL WITH

CELEBRITY CHEF ANTHONY WORRALL-THOMPSON

1) Mistook parsley for rocket, was slapped good and hard.

2) Fashioned a makeshift shoulder holster from said parsley for my Desert Eagle pistol (slapped again).

3) Shouted "Wet Cocks!!" at Celebrity Chef Anthony Worrall Thompson when he asked me the time.

4)Took the Lord's name in vain on 16 occasions.

5) Mocked his woggle and proficency badges (Cubs through Scouts, including Fighting 1 & 2, Hard Action and Giving Lip).

6) Drank and cursed gratuitously.

7) Refused Celebrity Chef Anthony Worrall-Thompson a go on my game of 'Simon'.

8) Talked at great length about how shit his face is

9) Licked the plate, table and adjacent fireplace clean.

10) Wouldn't put out.

A LIST OF TRICKS UP PAUL DANIELS' SLEEVES

1) Crucifixion, death and subsequent resurrection after a three-day 'cooling-off' period.

2) The conversion of base elements into pure gold (eg, lead, chewing gum, Marmite).

3) An erotic dance used to ensnare The 'Lovely' Debbie McGee, involving the movement of funds from his bank account into hers.

4) Ritual homicide with a broken stilt.

5) Vicious glares and other mind-fuckeries.

6) The transferral of hair from scalp to palms.

7) Optic blasts, only withheld by special ruby quartz glasses.

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 1,2,3...

1) It might not happen.

2) You aren't TV's Iain Lee.

3) I see you as a friend.

4) You're not retarded, you just have special needs.

5) Life is like a box of chocolates, unsuitable for nut-allergy sufferers.

6) Clap is on the decrease.

7) Jesus loves you (as a friend, not in that way...)

THOSE 'ROBOT WARS' ENTRIES IN FULL

1) Russell and Darren Whitlock - "Bustier"

2) Neil Harker and Chris Tully - "Immense Bender"

3) Karl Hoy & Paul Troughton - "Hit Parade"

4) Damon Moyles & Rupert Baker - "Chick Flick"

5) Todd Majesty & Lopez - "Nit Nurse"

6) Craig O'Donnell & Trev Norse - "Sexual Congress"

7) Frank Hill & Simon Trellis - "Nuns"

8) Hugh Gilliam & Ryan Brown - "I Am Nine"

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