BRITS SPECIAL
With not a little Gordon's &
Tonic in my system, I was fortunate enough to be invited to this
year's BRIT Awards in London's
fashionable London district.
Despite the full English Breakfast I consumed prior to attending,
I found myself, yet again,
at the mercy of a 'troublesome'
bladder. But they're only tramps, some of the even seem to enjoy
it...
Obviously the biggest story of the
evening was the ritual decapitation of ABS from 5IVE,
by members of WESTLIFE (a kind of special needs BOYZONE).
to celebrate the
growth of their pubic hair. Rumours
of a blood sacrifice on the band's going pubic had been circulating
in showbiz circles since last November, originally citing TV vet
TRUDE MOSTUE as the victim. On the night, however, the boys
decided on ABS for tax reasons. TV presenter ANDI PETERS,
is alleged to have held the beefy teen
idol down with a special wrestling
grip taught to him by ANDY CRANE, while the five members
of WESTLIFE ineptly sliced at his neck with a kebab sabre,
dressed in dark, ill-fitting robes.
Rolling Stone RON WOOD was
attacked on stage by a vast cube of solid estrogen while presenting
an award for 'Best International Grimace' to US teen pop slut
BRITNEY SPEARS. The cube, said to be the by product of the SPICE
GIRLS' intensive 'Girl Power' attack on former member GERI
HALLIWELL, floated an inch in
front of Wood's booze-fucked face
for a whole minute before forcing its way into his mouth, despite
being twice as big as his skull.
TV presenter DENISE VAN OUTEN
and her singing fiancee JAY KAY of JAMIROQUAI, are reported
to have been so drunk that they failed to recognise their own
table, seating them selves at the
feet of a sleeping man. They then went on to slur complaints about
the poor service before rutting on the sleeping man's
stomach.
A surprise Lifetime Achievement
Award was presented to IGGY POP's crack COCK MAINTENANCE
SQUAD, for their tireless work in keeping the punk
legend's chopper in good working
order during his fifty year career in music.
Rising soul star MACY GRAY
was seen knocking about with THE GHOST OF BRUCE LEE, both
of whom giggled uncontrollably at the sight of ex-GENESIS
drummer and Disney whore PHIL
COLLINS giving birth to a tiny organic helicopter through
his belly button.
Finally, ROBBIE WILLIAMS
was the victim of a vicious backstage prank at the hands of awards
host DAVINA MCCALL. Apparently, she unleashed an errant
hen into his dressing room to doctor
his special KISS-style face paints for a planned performance
of his hit song 'Let Me Entertain You and Your Kin'. Williams
later took
to the stage, his face decorated
in an horrific parody of the actor MATT DAMON, and was
subsequently punched in the mush.
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