I guess that I'm not capable of going forward and backwards at the same time, huh?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: should be the contented silence that accompanies sleep*
Topic: wondering where I stand

*but it isn't- at least not for me, as I have decided to take this time to stay up and pull off an "all nighter" so that I can get some of my affairs in order

...

right.
-as it is now something like 2:25p here on my side of the globe (I live in the Eastern time zone) my plan really isn't holding that much water *irritated with self* (unless going through messages on deviantART would be considered a good and productive use of my time... I got rid of 200+ messages! ... -.-;; -sigh-)

I see and understand that I am not living up to my own standards, and that is irritating me (along with some other things- I don't like saying that though) no, I think that I worded that too harshly- let me explain: I mean, I wish I had done more with my time- I had been a bit lax for the past two days... I remember I had said to myself that I would use this Tuesday as time to get some house work done (laundry) but I didn't do what I had wanted to do (washing my clothes)

and...
I've let myself be too moved by things
-rrr- my Lenten resolution was to have a firm will and not to let myself be so emotionally moved by others- not to be angry because of silly things, I so want to be more... mature? er, disciplined?

I know that it's something like the two virtues I said, but I don't know if I have it really pinned down yet (and how can I achive a goal if I don't even know what it is fully? I don't get me... *sad*)

but hey,
if you are reading this and you are concerned that I could be depressed- don't be.

I know that I have let myself down
I know that I don't like doing this
but I also know that there is still hope for me
because I'm alive and I have the chance to do better everyday- and that cheers my heart every morning

now, if you'd pray that I won't miss out on opportunities and that I will master my time and give glory to God by my life lived properly and well ordered- I say that that would be best for me :heart:

and I would be most grateful
for I so need help. -sigh-

****
-I didn't intend to make this such a long entry, but the way it is with journals or diaries is that they tend to be rather episodic- at least, that's what I have seen myself... I don't seem to have the dedication to write something everyday in either here or in my physical journal/diary/sketchbook/whatever recording thing so here I am now, wanting to backtrack

I wonder if my wanting to hold on to the past and record it on my own terms has restricted me from really enjoying the present time and from looking forward to the future- it could be that I have had that effect on myself, yet I don't know exactly why it is that I seem to be so restrained

I say "restrained" in the sense that I have the ability to do things, but I end up not doing them- to make it more clear... I am in what I like to call an "art freeze" this is not the same as "writer/artist block" because I am still able to make use of my skills, but I just lack the drive to do so

-what am I thinking?
I am not that kind of person who is so dependent on a muse, or the kind of person who "waits for inspiration to hit"- what am I doing?

I tell myself and others that I don't have to wait to "feel like doing something just so something can get done" but is this the same? -I really don't have to wait for things to "feel right" there are actions I can take even if my heart is not "ready" or what not

I would like to understand this phenomenon more though -sigh-

so I'll keep writing.
Read More...

let us pray for the improvement of our fellow man shall we? I so want to do more of that, I like thinking about other people, learning about them, helping them- it's why I want to be a nurse so badly.

I hope that I am going in the right direction
please God, guide me on to the right path
I just want to do the right thing
even though I am ... so awkward at times (I don't even know what to say here, hence the elipsis)

yet, I don't mind this though (especially since I know that this time will pass me by so so fast)

I'm glad that there's people out there watching me- and I didn't do anything to deserve that- is it okay for me to be happy about that? I wonder at times, but I am happy and grateful anyway (besides, God wouldn't be angry at me for appreciating other people- I don't want to be self-centered about that sort of thing though.)

-knowing me, I could go on all night, but I have some sleep to do (as well as some room cleaning)

I'll be glad to continue this tomorrow if I can
(and to start writing down some of my backlog of events in my "me and God" journal)- joy~

...good night and "good-bye"**
(**that is in fact, a corrupted form of this phrase: God be with you) -hee hee~!- ^_^


-Daiko~
(ah, you know... fill in something here?)
(has enough wishes to fill up a ranch- that is, if "wishes were horses" and all that)

thoughts before dinnertime (during Lent)
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Beatles' Yellow Submarine
(I'm just a hungry wanderer
in many different ways...)

let's go!

motherboards (I could use a nice new one since the one in my old computer got fried)

The Theater of Tampa

lesser known oekaki boards

a small oekaki just getting started (I'm interested in joining since I no longer have the CAA kaki as my home base ;_; ... -sigh-)


deviantART love: -Forces-, Jimi Hendrix - nomak-gfk, Aria, PPG Oldies by Thweatted

and that was the stuff that Daiko looked at.

****
Anyway, with regards to the fact that my computer died (which it did- I wrote about that in my deviantART journal a little while ago) that problem still hasn't been fixed- at the moment, it looks like my family is loaning a decent PC from an uncle- this is pretty nice~*

So, I'll be online from time to time during Lent- I decided against giving up online activity this season since my attitude has changed toward being on the internet- nowadays, it seems like more work for me to stay connected and get things done (even on deviantART- ugh.) I'll be around to connect with others and to struggle to maintain this journal- I want to do something good that is good for me, so I'm going to put my emphasis on being productive and connecting well with others when I can...

*exhales* that is about it- I'd say more, but it's dinner time.

see you later.

****
Read More...

...I found myself actually eating dinner around seven some time ago (I had thought that today was a fast day and had pretty much made up my mind that I would not be eating dinner, but my mom told me otherwise- she told me to eat so that I would not end up being ill, and so I did) -it was pretty good... I had sinigang with shrimp :heart:

Thanks mom!

-Anyhow, here I am back in this journal entry with some slight editing (I moved the silly cut thought from the end of the entry and added more things) like this: Loli, a good-looking webhost, Cimetery Oekaki, my oekaki (small remotely hosted board)

*With regards to this, I had just learned a little while ago at dinner that the current computer that I am now using came from a relative free of charge (isn't that great? -I think it's wonderful, this will make a great computer for school and this system is small and underpowered compared to the other computer so probably this won't let us get into trouble :)
-yay!

life is interesting.


-Daiko~
(pray for me)

hey, let's wander a bit
Now Playing: nothing really, music isn't coming to mind at the moment. *
it's the start of Lent and I find myself happy and resolved. I am ready to fight and to celebrate this penitential season

before I get into that though, here are some of my online wanderings: Read More...

----
*I would like to play something from Pillar later for my friend Brian though, I think he'd love this one song that I'm thinking of... but now is definately not the time.

I'll get going now, but I will pray today that you will stick to your Lenten resolutions- yes, yes I will.

-Daiko~
(pray for me... to find employment somehow... ^_^;; )

It's February
Now Playing: Switchfoot: the beautiful letdown & "Hey Jude"

and it's only now that I type something here.
due to a dead computer at home and limited time at the library seeing me online will be something one won't be able to do so often (at least, compared to before)

anyway... I should be going home soon
dinner is to be served soon here on my side of things
I just wanted to update on my situation a bit
(as well as stop by the library to combat this spat of boredom that I have found myself in)

(a job would be good to get rid of that...)

-sigh- I miss doing digital art with the computer so much... I decided to search for a paint chat, but I didn't find very much: Read More...

****
the time I've been through before now has been quite good though, I'd even call it "sweet"

I was surprised to get so much for Christ Mass and my birthday... mildly shocked would be appropriate to describe it.

and I wonder what I can do to give back to my friends since their birthdays are coming up so quickly

I really don't know

I don't know about what I want to do for a lot of things (like Lent, which is THIS WEEK)

help. o.o;;

-Daiko~
(pray for me)

lets GO!! (Daiko is back :)
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: cows go "moo!"

Hello... I haven't written any new entries to this blog since last year, but now that doesn't bother me as much as it used to- I had thought of this blog as something of an important duty before, but now that I look at it, this really isn't- this is just my journal and I am free to use it as sparingly or frequently as I wish. Yay!

Anyways, I am good and at the moment, seem to be doing quite well with my New Year's Resolve- I have been pretty quiet with regards to selling things on eBay and Half.com, but I'll be back there soon enough -happy sigh-

...even though I know my birthday is coming on the 10th, somehow it is still hard for me to believe that I am going to be 21 o.o;; -it seems like it's too soon, but my birthday always comes on time- it's just that this year, I'm not exactly ready- but I can handle this and I don't find it too shocking now (it's still odd to me though)

hm, 2005 looks great so far :heart:
and this is the year in which I will strive to work hard and earn some savings at a great job- I am looking forward to the future for once, and I pray that things will continue to go well (or at least that I will have the spiritual fortitude and full faith to deal with whatever comes my way accordingly)

-sigh- and that's that for now.

online wanderings:
Read More...

-Daiko~
(pray for me!)

Oh happy Days~
Mood:  happy

I smile
I have been gifted quite generously today
I went to work as a volunteer over at the VA, and had a pretty good time- it was nice seeing some new faces over there, and there were some fellow people of Filipino decent so that was interesting (especially since I had brought over some shrimp chips for everyone in the volunteer room to enjoy ^_^;; ...)

the mall trip was good
I didn't feel like buying much
and I decided against getting the small sketchbook that was like $4- I guess that's since I don't need one and that I've got some already

on the way home, I thought of something:
PDP- Picture Diary Project
in which I would marry my love of recording my life's details, with my love of art- specifically, sequential art

I love the idea already, I want to start soon, like now- tonight actually, but I'm kinda tired right now from doing stuff today (still want to clean my room too- ugh.)

I found a nice package in my room
it made my day- so full of lovely little things it was :heart:

and... went online and ended up downloading the lovely [Paint.net]
-I'm so tired.
sorry, this is all I can manage for now

ah...
Daiko just goes "blah blah blah" AIM-ishly here:
Read More...

later.

-Daiko~
(is having a Merry Christ Mass :heart: )

I am resolved quite happily...
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Daiko wants to draw and use art supplies!
Topic: bits and pieces

okay, I understand that I have given the impression that I have been sad/depressed lately (which wasn't exactly wrong, but I haven't said everything about that...) so I may as well give an update to where I am emotionally

and so, as I see it, things look good and are good

I've been getting out of the house recently and volunteering some of my time over at the near-by Vetrans Administrations Hospital, and it has been wonderful (- T-T okay, there are still some icky things that drive me crazy, but I accept that I don't live in a perfect world... or at least, I'm dealing with that) ...yeah, it really has, I love doing stuff especially when I get to do stuff for people and make them happy *little girl voice: I like helping! :heart:*

Actually, that above statement isn't correct
I will fix it: I LOVE helping!! :Heart: there~

and and annd~~!
...
I've been to the Mall two days this week!
-it is true that there were a lot of people there today trying to get their Christ Mass shopping done, but I was so happy to be there (especially since I spent most of my Mall time in the lovely store known as Waldenbooks where I read lots of good manga~ ee!)

so yay.

yay for surface scratching too
because that's all for now
(I'm tired and I want to go to bed early, I have a package to send tomorrow, and I need to get up around 6:20a Eastern or earlier- that also includes my brother @.@;; ooh.)

-Daiko~
[the other side of the journal...]
(pray for me...)

let me back into the swing of things...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: (I'm trying so hard not to scream- what a fun game!)
Topic: wondering where I stand

(hmm, I think I'm a bit irritated actually...)

or at least let me come to some semblance of peace- both internally and externally.

...because it seems that I have none, no peace I mean and that is partially my fault because I've been too anxious as of late- of course, it doesn't help when one lives around naturally high-strung, suspicious people does it? -sigh-

It feels as if I am not allowed to have time to myself to do things, and if I try to do so, that I shouldn't be since I should be busy, or at least out of someone else's way- I don't like that at all.

I'm not too happy with the fact that I am saying things in such a round-about way either (maybe, I'll make my new year's resolution something like, "bluntness"? I don't know- I think maybe it should be "more honest and open with regards to myself" -that sounds a lot more like it really)

-sigh-

What do you guys think of whining? complaining?
Personally, I don't like either, whether it's hearing myself do so (see my lack of rantage here?) or hearing someone else do so

I guess it's because I don't understand at times why certain people do what they do (at times, it looks like pure foolishness, but that's what I see...)

I mean, things aren't perfect but there are those who seem to refuse to adapt, and they are so highly irritable (I can understand that- but why burden others with such a thing unnecessarily? I don't get it- yuck.)

;_; sorry me, I just can't seem to do it
I can't seem to say what I want to
and I'm so limited with time and freedom (especially if I just want to get some stuff done on the computer)

but I could just be imagining things
how I wish that I was!

****
(yeah, I know ramblings of mine don't make much sense, do they? -anyways, I'll be leaving soon and I've got a room and a physical journal to take care of, but I wish to get more done online soon... ;_;)

I had wanted to post a split-review (subjective/objective) on the trilogy His Dark Materials by Pullman, but it looks like I won't be cranking that out now (funny, I was about to do that first thing when I went online about an hour ago, but I went over to DA and kinda got stuck ^_^;; )

eesh, I'm gone now.

-Daiko~
(pray for me)

"...hop, skip, jump- do whatever you do~"
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Spirit fm Share-a-thon/blog hopping game/save me!

Okay, this morning I was wandering online as I often do and I found myself at my friend Brian's blog and I happened to see this entry which then lead me to this nice-looking place, and the most recent entry led me even further down the rabbit hole

and so, that was fun~

-Daiko~
(pray for my brother that he passes this semester!!)

I must remember that winter gives way to spring
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Winter in my Soul [not a song, but it is my inner state]
Topic: wondering where I stand

things have been hard for me lately, and I felt at times that I had more than I could handle, but God thought otherwise...

I'm struggling to type
to articulate my feelings
(almost as usual)
but I am enjoying the process this time
(though I can't get it all down on paper or typed out here in the blog)

It's not even winter yet- at least, not officially (though it does feel that way in many other places) but the winter solstice will be taking place on the 21st of this month -if I'm not mistaken that is. So, it is still autumn, and it is so HOT here in Florida, but I've been so cold lately- I don't think that this makes complete sense, but I have been scared as of late so that must be a part of the reason why I've been so chilly...

it's been something like winter in my soul,
a time where hearing from God is hard for me to do and to experience- not because I have told Him to go away or anything, but because I've allowed myself to drift from Him and to be preoccupied with such petty things, and serious worries- I hate it, I hate it, I hate it

I want to remember...
and I want to improve
I want to improve so badly
and I want things to be good
but I can't let those things make me worry
I can't let myself, and my good intentions be turned away to evil purposes (and I do mean "evil", I wasn't overstating my case).

I want the Spring
and I want my hope to flourish

I need to remember that I need help always
from God and from good companions
I need to remember my limits
and that it is painful for me to try to do too much

I would like even more help
and I am learning to be more specific in what I ask for so that I can recieve it well

I want to have my brother by my side
for him to be able to continue college and to do well this semester-

-sigh-

I'll just say that for now.

-Daiko~
(pray for me...)
(do you care to commission or support Daiko?)