"Fate, Destiny, and Desire"
by: michael g.
I'm staring into the barrel of my fate. I'll remove my little world from your important universe. That removal will give birth to the emptiness you demanded. My heart is pounding faster. As if it knows it is the last time it will ever pump blood, it struggles to squeeze every last drop through my veins. Now comes the time.
In my world, Fate and Destiny are the higher order. I will do as they command. "Do as I say, not as I do," my mother used to tell me. My father? Fate was the one that decided that a father was unnecessary. Destiny was the one that decided I should never, ever be able to express my feelings to anyone. And they both agreed that it would be best to give me a little taste of the things I'm missing, then quickly take it away from me precisely when I begin to enjoy it. To make matters worse, they like to make me believe that if I'm patient enough, maybe, just maybe, they'll give me a break and provide me with what I desire. And all that I desire is to be important to someone. To be noticed by someone. The realization of my existence. I could run outside and scream, but how do you cry for help when no one is capable of listening?
If you're wondering, Desire is the daughter of Fate and Destiny. If not for her, I wouldn't be here. Deep down, I wanted to murder the masses. I fantasized about destroying the three Powers, destroying the corruption and greed. You know that feeling of frustration you get, when you feel like your rib cage is about to explode, that's their fault. They instilled it into each and every one of us. But I had to get their attention. I went on an all-out frenzy against the gods. I yelled at them. I screamed at them. I tried to destroy everything they created. What they called beauty. What they called glory. What they called freedom and individuality. I destroyed it all. I hated it. When I was done, I stared into eyes of the King of Kingdoms.
"I hate you. Go to hell. You stupid bitch. You've caused me a world of heartache and sadness and regret. Fuck you."
It didn't change anything. Do you know why? No one was there to watch. No audience. Nothing. No one saw. If someone witnessed my hateful tongue speaking those harsh words, then it's an excuse to demonstrate their power. But, no. No one. They would never go out of their way to teach me a lesson unless other people were to benefit from my suffering. I am merely a tool that the Powers utilize to give the people a sense of discipline. They have no interest in teaching me right from wrong, or good from bad. They are not concerned with what would be good for my future, or better for me in the long run.
I'm not allowed to feel happiness. Anger and sadness are all that's left. If those are the only emotions I have left to feel, then I will immerse myself in a world of madness and melancholy. It's better than nothing.
I've done everything the manual says I should do. My guidebook to happiness.
Step one: Shut up and breathe air.
Step two: Shut up and live.
Step three: Shut up.
Step four: Shut up and follow orders.
Step five: Shut up and feel your pain.
Step six: Shut up.
Who created these steps, I don't know, but I'd put my money on Desire.
Here I am. Staring into the barrel of my fate. No one cares. Everyone benefits. Except me, of course. After I do this, I'm betting I have a world of pain ahead of me. There will never be an easy way out. No shortcuts, no forks in the road, nothing. Just my fate and destiny.
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©2001 mg
