"An Interview with Satan"
by: michael g.
Good afternoon, how are you today?
I'm fine, thanks.
Well, let's get right down to it, I have many questions I'm anxious to ask you.
Sure, let's.
I've always wondered, do you believe in God?
I used to...I mean He's the one who banished me to Hell. But now, when I try to talk to Him, it seems as though He's not listening. So one of three things is happening here: He ceased to exist long ago, He forgot about me, or He chooses not to listen to me. It's like we were never friends.
How evil are you?
I dunno. I'm not really a bad person, when you come down to it. It's just that I'm the leader of this horrible residence. I don't wanna be here, but I was forced down here. I mean, come on, it's in the Bible. I was a powerful angel. All I did was go against God. Big F-in' deal! He sends me to Hell for that?! Just because I wouldn't agree with Him?
Well, what do you think would've been a reasonable punishment?
Well, certainly not Hell. Wouldn't sending me to eternal torture only make me more groggy? You don't fight fire with fire. By saying I'm evil and I want everyone to suffer...and by sending me to Hell...wouldn't I, theoretically, enjoy seeing all the suffering? That's sadomasochism in it's most extreme form...going to Hell and liking it. And that's if I were completely evil and sadistic, which I'm not. I'm just a fallen angel. What I would've rather had happened was to become human again, and earn my way back into Heaven, into sainthood again. And if I don't earn it the first time around, give me another shot. I was once the head angel! Doesn't that mean anything?!
Well, He is the highest power, and I'm sure He knew what He was doing when He banished you to Hell.
Oh, that's just wonderful. In a world as shitty as yours, God knows what He's doing. It's all in His Divine Plan for you guys to destroy yourselves. Really, it's in His will for you guys to die from a nuclear blast, and those who don't die from the shockwave will forever suffer and burn from cancer and radiation. You remember that one thing in life you wanted more than anything? The one thing that, if you were granted it, it would've done nothing but good for you. The one thing that would've helped you believe in Him more. You remember how hard you prayed for that? Remember how the exact opposite seemed to happen? You tell me all of that was His plan, and that He knew what was best for you. You tell me that with a straight face.
Well...uh...this interview is about you...so, let's change the subject.
Sure.
Do you enjoy what you do? Being the leader of Hell?
Of course not!!! I told you twice already! I was once an angel! I don't like suffering! I try to make Hell as relaxing as one can! Most of these guys are just people who were reasonable enough human beings that they just chose not to believe in God, which is understandable, considering the lack of evidence He provides...what kind of sane individual would love and completely believe in a God who only makes his existence known in a book that is thousands of years old, handed down dozens of generations, every word and sentence convoluted beyond recognition? With nothing but a simple book, I'd honestly love my chocolate milk more than I love that god. And that's excluding the fact that He doesn't answer simple prayers. But besides those guys who just don't believe in God, there are your typical serial killers here, pedophiles and what-not....and those guys go to the sub-basement of Hell, where I-don't-know-what happens. I never had the heart to see what kind of suffering goes on down there. The lobby of Hell is bad enough.
What do you think about satanists?
Oh, those guy are a buncha loons. They believe in the idea of me that is portrayed in the Bible...not me. I wish I had come out with my own book so I wouldn't be so misunderstood. Too late now I guess.
What's your sexual preference?
Indifferent.
One last question: You've been given the names Lucifer, Dante, Diablo, Devil, Satan, Serpent, and probably more that I can't think of right now. Which name do you prefer?
My original name was Todd, before my persona was masked by those cacophonic names. Call me whatever you want, it doesn't make a difference. But I prefer Todd.
Well, this has been great. I thank you for your time. I'm sure the public will be glad to hear your side of the story for once.
Yeah, me too. My parting shot to the rest of the world: I'm not that bad a guy, but Hell is. So unless you're a sadomasochist, try your hardest to stay out, okay? Heaven is a lot better, and worth the trouble. Oh, and just for your information, Noah's Ark never happened. Do you really think they had elephants and polar bears and monkeys and penguins in such close proximity? That, and he only took two of each. You guys have a few hundred pandas and you can't get 'em to fuck.
back to writing
©2001 mg
