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Fun
Archives
(Jokes)
Access Denied
...then there was this guy calls in to complain that he gets an
"Access Denied" message every time he logs in.
It turned out he was typing his username and password in
capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case
letters."
Customer: "Uh, but I only have capital letters on my
keyboard..."
***
Beer
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener and to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However,
the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which
have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued,
although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.
The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about
the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash
can.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a
can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its
cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake
them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but
the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturer) claims that
9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's more suds
than beer. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes
more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when
you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.
Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer
until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.
The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some
of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the company promises to change the can to look just like
Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer and
suggested only for use in bars.
UNIX Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz.
to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to
open them, so you have to have your own can opener around
for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete
set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer
for several years.
MVS Beer:
An early product from International Beer Manufacturer. Comes
in a odd 31-oz. can that has multiple ring pulls thus allowing
the amusing trick of several people trying to drink from the
same can at once. Some people believe the cans to be haunted
saying that whenever they aren't watching the cans they fall
over. A sophisticated drinker might be let down by the contents
- this kind of beer has unexpected nasty stuff
***
Girlfriend 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've
been having some problems lately. I've been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't
crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is
turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to
turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works
okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with
my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of
timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with
GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance
from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other
problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with
GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to
run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed
GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but
the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean
out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very
cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0
was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again
with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a
feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the
presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates
with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of
both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but
there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it
is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much
less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid
to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also,
to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually
have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of
mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0,
which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if
you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that,
he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load
anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the
new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't
turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he
heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall
itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of
insufficient resources.
***
Most Embarrassing Moments
The following are the top winners of a Most Embarrassing
Moments
Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
--------------------
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold
a
Variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister
has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
--------------------
Strip Mall
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one
day. We were
going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At
one
crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-
old climbed
up
on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off
pulling
both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of
there,
much
to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.
Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA
--------------------
Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in
tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a
blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
--------------------
Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and
I
wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to
run
and
get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in
front of our
guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC
--------------------
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They
came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each of our
Christmas
cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my
son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a
camera!
Name withheld
--------------------
Surprise!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend
over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
we
heard
the phone ring. I decided to give my girlfriend a piggyback ride
to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to
get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights
suddenly
came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire
family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends
were
standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of
shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no
one in
my
family has planned a surprise party again.
Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York
--------------------
Priceless!
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've
come upon
in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at
a
discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
learned
that
one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment
when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
SIZE." That was bad
enough,
but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood
the word
"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a
voice boomed back
over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH
IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR
THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
--------------------
Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he
was quite
itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He
was
to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He
did it
and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at
the back
of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call
your
mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I
could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Chris Vaught
***
Old Ladies' Noggins
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various
things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful.
This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I
couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to
go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I
was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember
whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as
good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps
on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks,
"Who's there?"
***
Tough Love
A dying man smelled his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies
cooking downstairs. It took all the strength he had left but he
got up from the bed and crawled down the stairs. He saw the
cookies cooling on the counter and staggered over to them. As
he reached for one, his wife's wrinkled hand smacked his and
she yelled:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"
***
Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a
woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God
black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is
Michael Jackson God?"
Easter Eggs
omnipotent v3.0
Requires: win me
Easter Egg: 1. Go to Display Properties (under Control Panel)
2. Click on 'Screen Saver' tab
3. Select the '3D Text (Open GL)' Screensaver.
3. Hit the 'Settings' Button.
4. Change the text to 'volcano'.
You will have a screen saver listing different volcano names
from the Northwest of the United States, where Microsoft is
located.
Requires: Windows ME
Easter Egg: 1. right click on desktop
2. click properties
3. click screen saver tab
4. choose 3D pipes
5. click settings
6. choose multiple pipes
7. choose traditional with mixed joints
8. resolution to max
9. solid texture
10. click OK
11. watch screen saver and every so often, the joint will be a
teacup. cool!
George C.K. (georgeck@hotmail.com)
Requires: Windows 98
Easter Egg: 1. In the Windows directory go to "Application
Data\Microsoft\WELCOME"
2. Create a Shortcut for the file Weldata.exe by right clicking
on the file and selecting "Create Shortcut"
3. Right click on the newly created shortcut and select
"Properties"
4. In the shortcut tab, add the following at the end of the
"Target" edit box " You_are_a_real_rascal". This causes the
application WELDATA.EXE to be called with the argument
'You_are_a_real_rascal'
5. Now in the "Run" combobox select "Minimized"
6. Click OK and double click the shortcut & ENJOY!
Windows 98
Easter Egg: 1. Open FreeCell
2. Press F3 and enter either -1 or -2 into the dialog box and
click okay
m1illion
Requires: none
Easter Egg: goto control panel - display
click on screen savers tab
select "3D Text"
click on settings
in the graphics text box type "volcano"
Windows 98. You NEED IE4, and it doesn't work on Win98
SE.
Easter Egg:
1.Press Start.
2.Then Programs.
3.Then Applications.
4.Right click on calculator, then properties.
5.Click change icon. Double click the normal calculator icon.
6.Press Ok.
7.Press Start.
8.Wait a couple of seconds.
aerodecked
Requires:
Easter Egg: 1. Go to Display properties for screensavers
2. Select pipes as "multiple"
3. Select Pipe style as "Traditional"
4. Select joint type as "mixed"
5. Surface style to be "solid"
6. Click OK
7. Watch the screensaver for teapots instead of joints!
Windows 98 setup files, any text editor (like Notepad)
Easter Egg: In the actual Windows 98 setup files, there is a file
called "DOSSETUP.BIN". If you look at the contents of this
file with Notepad, Wordpad, DOS's EDIT, or any other text
editor, you will find the following phrase near the end of the
file:
Wassily Kandinsky was the great Russian painter who
participated in the Expressionist movement in Germany, taught
at the Bauhaus, and edited the Blue Rider Almanac.
(?!?!?!?!?!) My personal opinion about this is entirely
expressed, in the same file, some lines below that phrase:
hahahahahahaha
Rating: 7.7 of 10 (1195 votes cast)
From: Andreas MATHER (andreasmather@surfeu.at)
Requires: MS Hearts
Easter Egg: 1. Press Start Button and then press "Run".
2. Type "regedit".
3. Goto:
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\Curr
entVersion\Applets\Hearts
4. Insert a new String called "ZB".
5. Then Type "42" as String.
6. Start Hearts
7. Press CTRL+ALT+SHIFT+F12 to see the Cards of the
others.
billgates nugget
Windows 95
Easter Egg: 1. Start Windows 95.
2. Wait until you see the mouse cursor in the middle of a black
screen.
3. Press in the following keys in this order (Do not type
commas):
4. Ctrl, F6, Right shift, Delete, then click the right mouse
button.
5. If you do it before the black screen is replaced by wallpaper,
it shows Bill Gates' horse, Nugget.
Vote:
10 (Awesome!!!)
9 (Check this out!)
8
7 (Pretty Cool)
6
5 (OK)
4
3 (Nice Try)
2
1 (*yawn*)
0 (This is fake!)
the shadow
Windows 95
Easter Egg: 1. Go to the start menu and click Help.
2. Click the tab marked Find.
3. At this point you may get a wizard asking you to set up Find.
If you do, use the defaults.
4. In the Find dialog box click Options.
5. Set the top section to: All the words you typed in order, set
the next section to: begin with the characters you typed.
6. Click OK to return back to the main dialog box, and enter in
the top box exactly: Who knows who built this tool?
7. Hold down Shift and Control while clicking the Clear
button.
8. Click Options again, and set the top section to: At least one
of the words you typed, set the next section to: contain the
characters you type. And click OK to return back to the main
dialog box.
9. In the top box enter exactly: The Shadow knows!
10. Hold down Shift and Control while clicking
minesweeper
Win95
Easter Egg: 1. Click on a square to get the timer going
2. Hold down both mouse buttons, and a 9 square indentation
will appear
3. Hit the ESC key
4. Get the best time :)
Win95 with Plus! pack
Easter Egg: If you select the "Computers" theme, the cursor for
"Wait" will be a small monitor with a red and blue image.
There is a series of bits running through it. I thought that is
probably a "W" for Windows or something, but if you decode
it properly - it's a plus-sign!
product team
Original version of Win95, might have been removed in later
service packs.
Easter Egg: 1. Right Click on the Desktop.
2. Select New... then Folder.
3. Name the folder "and now, the moment you've all been
waiting for".
4. Right Click on the folder and rename it to "we proudly
present for your viewing pleasure".
5. Rename it again to "The Microsoft Windows 95 Product
Team!"
6. Open the folder and the Windows 95 credits will be
displayed. The folder will remain around so anytime you want
to view the credits again, all you have to do is re-open the
folder.
visual basic
MSVB v6.0
Easter Egg: 1. From VB's View Menu, select toolbar, then
customize......
2. In the resulting dialog, click on the command tab.
3. In the Categories List, select Help.
4. Select "About Microsoft Visual Basic" in the Command
List, and drag it to any menu or the toolbar.
5. Right-click on the item you just dragged and rename it to
"Show VB Credits" (without quotes). 6. Then close the
"Customize" dialog and click on the "Show VB Credits" item.
sex speller
1. In any document type zzzz
2. Hit the space bar
3. The spell checker will put a wavy red line under the zzzz
4. Place the cursor over the zzzz and right click
5. See how Bill Gates defines zzzz
vba eggs
Visual Basic for Applications in Office 97
Easter Egg: 1. Start Word 97 or Excel 97.
2. Press Alt + F11 to start Visual Basic.
3. Right click on the toolbar and select Customize.
4. Click on the Help menu and choose About Microsoft Visual
Basic.
5. Click on the Modify button and change the name of the
selection to "Show VB Credits" (no quotes).
6. Close the Customize box and click Help -> Show VB
Credits.
7. The egg is activated now.
showmethe
Word 95
Easter Egg: 1. Open a new document
2. Go to help/about
3. hold down shift,ctrl,and alt.
4. click on the Word "W" on the bar three times.
5. watch.
pinball in word
Word 97
Easter Egg: 1. Open a new document
2. Type "Blue"
3. Select word
4. Go to Format -> Font
5. Choose Font Style Bold, Color Blue
6. Type " " (space) after word "Blue"
7. Go to Help -> About
8. Ctrl-Shift-Left click the Word icon/banner
9. Use Z for left flipper, M for right flipper, and ESC to exit
10. Discover what Microsoft means by "Productivity
Application"
Emails
Subject: Valentine's Day
> A YEAR AGO today, I had lunch with my boyfriend and
> took the opportunity to complain to him. "Today is
> Valentine's Day. Why didn't you give me any flowers?"
>
> He raised his eyebrow. "Why should I give you flowers?
> You are not my
> anyone."
>
> "Then... you should at least give me a card!" I pouted
> my lips, hurt by his tone.
>
> "I know, I know. After lunch, I'll send you an
> e-card."
>
> "E-card??"
>
> That sounds so impersonal, but that's the way he is.
>
> "You have to e-mail it to me. I'll be waiting." I
> excitedly smiled and
> planned to sneak home after lunch to check e-mail.
> Even though he wouldn't use any romantic words, I
> still looked forward to the card.
>
> "I'm going back to work. Hurry and send me the card!"
>
> As soon as I walked in my door, I turned on my
> computer and got online.
>
> Staring at the empty inbox, I began to reminisce about
> how we met. Maybe no one will believe me, but my
> boyfriend and I were actually neighbors. Our homes
> were only 1 wall away. Ever since we were kids, we
> liked to fight with each other all day long.
>
> We were only neighbors. At that time, I hated my
> parents for making us
> live next to him. At that time, I had a crush on a
> senior. After a while, I found out that the senior
> student had lots of girlfriends.
> When I cried about it, he silently passed me a
> handkerchief and awkwardly held me in his arms.
>
> "I told you he wasn't any good." He roughly comforted
> me.
>
> I cried in his arms the whole night, and began to see
> him in a different way. Things began to change between
> us. We still fought all the time, but he started to
> look at me differently. And I blushed and
> my heart beat faster when he was near. We both knew:
> we fell in love with each other.
>
> Even with this knowledge, neither of us said anything.
> Even though we would not be able to resist and kissed
> each other constantly. Even though we cared about each
> other's every moves. Both of us refused to admit our
> love.
>
> Alright, we became lovers, but we still wouldn't say
> we loved each
> other. We didn't even spend Valentine's Day together
> until he saw me share dinner with a man one
> Valentine's Day.
>
> That night, he waited for me in front of my door and
> said that he would
> take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day from then on.
> I have to say that he was very arrogant.
>
> But I nodded and accepted his request. Since then, we
> spent every
> Valentine's Day together.
>
> On the surface, we may have left each other. But in
> reality, we were
> still together. We spent every Valentine's Day
> together but each year became more dreary than the
> next because he never told me he loved me even with
> all my hints.
>
> Still facing the empty inbox, I suddenly grew very
> angry. He wouldn't
> say it and wouldn't send me a card. What did he mean?
> Who did he think I was? I called his cell phone.
>
> "Hello." He picked up the phone.
>
> "I didn't receive the card." I immediately showed my
> displeasure.
>
> "You didn't receive it?" He seemed really busy. "But I
> sent it."
>
> He was really busy but I didn't care. "I didn't
> receive it. Send it
> again."
>
> "Okay, I'll send you 100 times. Is that good enough??"
> He said with
> impatience. His tone further infuriated me. Is that
> how lovers speak to
> each other?
>
> "Don't bother sending it to me. And you don't have to
> pick me up tonight. I'll eat dinner by myself."
>
> "Don't be childish, ok? I'm really busy."
>
> "I AM childish!" I hung up the phone and tears rolled
> down my cheeks.
>
> Childish?? Why didn't he consider the situation? We've
> gone out for so
> many years and spent countless Valentine's Day
> together. I never received any flowers nor cards from
> him. Now, I just want a little
> e-card. Is that too much to ask for??
>
> I unplugged the phone from the wall and turned off my
> cell phone. I
> didn't want to hear his explanations. After I returned
> to the hospital, I instructed the receptionist not to
> forward me any phone calls. I wanted to concentrate on
> work.
>
> Because there were so many emergencies today, I was
> sweating 1 hour later and forgot about our argument.
> "Dr. Shu, please take a look at that patient."
>
> As I was collecting my equipment, the shrill sound of
> an ambulance sounded outside the ER. When I stepped
> out the door, the emergency medics hurriedly wheeled
> in a gurney.
>
> "What happened to him?" I asked the 1st medic.
> Everyone else were trying to help put the patient on
> the gurney. He was covered
> with blood.
>
> "Car accident." The medic replied. "Very serious. He
> may die." I nodded and ran to the operating room with
> them. When I arrived, the
> nurses told me that the man had already stopped
> breathing and also his
> heartbeat also stopped.
>
> "Prepare for shock." I calmly instructed the nurses.
> Saving people is our duty. We can't and shouldn't lose
> our calm.
>
> But when I saw who laid on the operating table, I lost
> my calm. That
> person was my BOYFRIEND!
>
> "NO..." I stood in shock. "NO!!!" I grabbed the
> paddles and continuously shocked his body. His body
> bounced up and down from the shocks. The scared nurses
> went to find another doctor, to tell him that I was
> crazy.
>
> I didn't know if I was crazy or not. I just wanted to
> save my lover. Even though we fought all the time.
> Even though he never showed me his love. I still
> wanted to save him. He still owed me a card. He
> couldn't die!
>
> I threw away the paddles and began to press on his
> heart. I pressed with all my strength, hoping it would
> revive him, but he didn't wake up. He didn't even say
> "It hurts". He just laid there with his eyes
> closed, punishing me with his silence.
>
> Dr. Jian angrily pushed me away. By that time, I
> couldn't see clearly
> anymore. I cried. I wailed. I bowled until no sounds
> could come out of
> my mouth.
>
> "It's too late, Dr. Shu. He's already dead. I'm
> sorry." Dr. Jian patted
> me on the shoulder. They knew each other and ate
> together once.
>
> I introduced them. "He can't die." I shook my head.
> "He can't die!!" I
> struggled to run to him.
>
> "Dr. SHU, control yourself!" Dr. Jian slapped me. "I
> understand what
> you're going through, but you're a doctor."
>
> Yes, I'm a doctor, but I'm also a regular person. How
> can Dr. Jian
> understand how I feel? I've loved him for so many
> years that it's
> become a habit. How can I just throw away a habit?
> Besides, he still owed me a card.
>
> "I want him to live! I want him to live!" I ran to him
> again and tried to knock the life back into his body.
>
> "Take her away!" That day, I lost my control and my
> professionalism.
>
> And that day happened to be Valentine's Day.
>
> Afterwards, I asked his co-workers why he left work
> early that day.
>
> They told me that after I hung up the phone, he tried
> to call me
> several times but couldn' reach me. Worried, he drove
> to the hospital to find me and got hit by a large
> truck on the way.
>
> When I heard this, I froze. My tantrum killed him.
> Just because of an
> unmailed card, he died. After that, I lost my
> privilege to be childish.
> Like an abandoned cat,I couldn't even cry anymore.
>
> After his death, I couldn't cry anymore, regardless of
> how touching the
> plot or how tear-jerking the dialogue. They didn't
> affect me anymore.
>
> I turned on computer after a year later, even though I
> know no one will
> send me a mail, I still hoped that someone will
> remember me on this day.
>
> GOSH....I have.... 100 emails! Who would be bored
> enough to send me 100
> junk mail? I was just about to delete them all when I
> received another mail, and this one said: "Because of
> system error, we could not send these until today. We
> apologize for the delay." The sender was my
> BOYFRIEND!!!
>
> I looked at the 1st mail. It showed the send date is
> last year's Valentine's Day. My heart began to beat
> fast. Could he have sent these?
>
> With a trembling hand, I opened the mail. The first
> thing that popped
> up was a gorgeous red rose set against green leaves.
> Then a beautiful melody began to play...."Only Love".
> I couldn't believe it.
>
> The rose was so beautiful and the music was so dreamy.
> I almost thought
> I was in a fantasy.
>
> Most touching of all were the words underneath the
> rose, because the
> words read like a beautiful poem.
>
> "Only love can make a memory. Only love can make a
> moment last. You
> were there and all the world was young and all it's
> songs unsung. And I
> remember you then when love was all, all you were
> living for, and how you gave that love to me...."
>
> The lyrics of this song fits our love so closely. When
> he was alive,my
> world was so young.
>
> Every day, I could find a something different to fight
> with him about.
> But after he left, my life is only left with memories
> and coldness that
> will never go away.
>
> When I read these words, my tears unconsciously came,
> wetting the keyboard. I replied 100 times, and "Only
> Love" played 100 times. In this cold Valentine's
> night, the line that's been broken for LAST ONE YEAR
> finally got RECONNECTED.
***
Subject: Why marry?
We marry for a variety of reasons.
We marry to escape unhappy homes.
We marry to seek emancipation from restrictive parents.
We marry to satisfy raging hormones.
We marry to find the love we never had in our homes.
We marry in anticipation of freedom only to find that marriage
is not
about
choices and that instead, it's about commitment.
We marry in anticipation of excitement and find that we
cannot, no
matter
how we try, sustain the momentum.
We marry because it is expected of us.
We marry because if we don't, society will pity us.
We marry to deliver filial piety.
We marry because we don't want to dishonor our families.
We marry to fit in.
We marry so we can belong.
We marry to buy peace.
We marry so we can be with the throng.
We marry so that we can proudly fish out pictures from our
wallets of
kids
and husbands during reunions.
We marry because it's time.
We marry because we're running out of time.
We marry because our biological clocks are ticking wildly and
embarrassing
our families.
We marry to put an end to the matchmaking efforts of our
friends.
We marry to terminate our loneliness.
We marry to feed the need to be loved, cherished and desired.
We marry because we want to be wanted.
We marry because we want to confirm our ability to attract
another in
lifelong union.
We marry for money.
We marry for power.
We marry for status.
We marry for sex.
We marry for companionship.
We marry for convenience.
We marry for practicality.
We marry for passion.
We marry to follow tradition.
We marry to defy convention.
We marry to forge friendships.
We marry to merge partnerships.
We marry to please our parents.
We marry to spite them.
We marry to be socially acceptable, astrologically aligned and
politically
correct.
We marry to prove a point. We marry to win an argument.
We marry to forge an allianceWe marry to exact revenge.
We marry to win the race and sometimes get blind-sided in the
bargain.
We marry for citizenship. We marry for permanent residence.
We marry for free domestic services.
We marry for free financial advice.
We marry for shared health insurance coverage.
We marry for beneficial income tax deductions.
We marry for shopping money.
We marry for lifelong pension.
We marry to gloat, to brag and to show off to our friends that
we can
get
the better man and husband.
We marry for affection.
We marry for attention.
We marry to complete ourselves when in fact we are already
complete at
birth.
We marry for emotional support and break down when we
don't get it.
We marry to solve our problems and add some more to our
own.
We marry to be happy only to realize that another person now
expects
us to
make them happy, as well.
We marry to fulfill our needs, to erase our doubts and to
achieve our
dreams.
We marry to confirm that we are worthy of permanent
cohabitation with
another human being.
We marry for many, different reasons, but the most popular
reason for
marrying remains:
We marry for the myth of romantic love and expect it to last,
and when
it
doesn't, we are crushed. The greater our expectations - the
bigger our
disappointments. So why marry, at all, when up ahead is
disappointment
and
pain?
We marry because even though we know that it might not last,
we will
at
least have known that once upon a time, we loved deeply
enough to have
been
willing to risk everything in our lives, and because in the end, it
doesn't
really matter anymore how long it lasts when you remember
how good it
was.
***
Subject: Lessons in Love
A ninety-one year old woman died after living a long dignified
life.
When
she met God she asked him something that had long bothered
her. If Man
was
created in God's image, and if all men are created equal, why
do
people
treat each other so badly?
God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique
lesson
to
teach us. And it is only through these lessons that we learn
about
life,
people, relationships and God. This confused the woman, so
God began to
explain.
When someone lies to you it teaches you that things are not
always as
they
seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond
the
masks
people wear if you want to know their heart. And remove your
own masks
to
let
people know yours.
When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is
forever.
Always appreciate what you have, for you never know when
you might lose
it.
And never, ever take your friends and family for granted
because today
is
the only guarantee you have.
When someone inflicts an injury upon you it teaches you that
the human
state is a fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best
you
can,
it's the only thing you are sure to have forever.
When someone mocks you it teaches you that no two people
are alike.
When
you encounter people who are different from you, don't judge
them by
how
they
look or act; instead base your opinion on the contents of their
heart.
When someone breaks your heart it teaches you that loving
someone does
not
always mean that person will love you back. But don't turn
your back
on
love because when you find the right person, the joy that one
person
brings
will make up for all the past hurts put together. Times ten.
When someone holds a grudge against you it teaches you that
everyone
makes
mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you
can do is
forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who
have hurt us
is
the most difficult and courageous thing Man can do.
When a loved one is unfaithful to you it teaches you that
resisting
temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your
resistance
against all temptation. By doing so you will be rewarded with
an
enduring
sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by
which
you
were tempted.
When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root
of all
evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how
lofty they
may
be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an
obsession
with
achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent
activities.
When someone ridicules you it teaches you that nobody is
perfect.
Accept
people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not
ever
reject
someone for imperfections over which they have no control.
Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom, the old woman became
concerned that
there
were no lessons to be learned from Man's good deeds. God
replied that
Man's
capacity to love is the greatest gift he has. At the root of all
kindness
is love, and each act of love also teaches us a lesson.
The woman's curiosity deepening, God once again began to
explain.
When someone loves us it teaches us that love, kindness,
charity,
honesty,
humility, forgiveness and acceptance can counteract all the evil
in
the
world. For every good deed, there is one less evil deed. Man
alone has
the
power to control the balance between good and evil, but
because the
lessons
of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often
abused.
When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or
coincidence,
consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach love or a
harsh
lesson of
reality? When you die will your life have resulted in more
loving or
hurting? More comfort or pain? More joy or sadness? Each one
of us has
power over the
balance of love in the world. Use it wisely. Don't miss an
opportunity
to
nudge the world's scale in the right direction.
Pass this lesson of love on to those you love and to those you
have
hurt.
For each person who receives this, there will be a little less evil
in
the
world and a little more love.
***
Subject: Warning on the use of Gel Candles!
> > > My former secretary had a terrible thing happen to her
and her
> > > family last week, and I wanted to share it with all of you
so
that you
> > > could
> > >
> > > be warned and warn your friends and family as well. She
had a gel
candle
> > >
> > > burning in her bathroom ... it exploded and caught her
house on
fire.
> > > The
> > >
> > > house burned down and they lost everything. The fire
marshall
told her
> > > that
> > > this is not the first incident where a gel candle has
exploded
and
> > > caused
> > > a
> > > fire. He said that the gel builds up a gas and often times it
explodes
> > > and
> > > sets fire to the room it is in, which is what happened to
her.
The
fire
> > > was
> > > so hot it melted the smoke alarm, and they didn't
discover the
fire
> > > until
> > >
> > > there was an explosion, which was her toilet blowing up,
and then
it
was
> > >
> > > too
> > >
> > > late ... the entire
> > > upstairs was engulfed in flames. Smoke damage and
water damage
have
> > > destroyed what wasn't destroyed by fire. Please pass this
along
to
> > > anyone
> > > I
> > > missed. I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else.
Her family
is
> > > devastated. All their momentos and everyting of value
and meaning
are
> > > gone.
> > > Thanks and take care!
> > >
> > > Note: Marty and I know a lady who loves the gel
candles. She had
one
> > > burning on her mantle and it caught fire just like the
message
above.
> > > She
> > >
> > > was at home at the time and saw it happen and grabbed
the candle
to
keep
> > >
> > > it
> > > from setting her home on fire and it came apart in her
hand. She
saved
> > > her
> > > home but suffered 3rd degree burns to her hand and 3
fingers.
Please,
if
> > >
> > > you
> > >
> > > or anyone you know have these candles, don't light them,
they are
> > > dangerous.
> > >
> > > Please pass this along.
> > >
> > > And as if those two stories weren't enough ... my
husband was
home on
> > > vacation and had a gel candle lit on the top of the
entertainment
> > > center.
> > >
> > > He too saw the candle burst into flames. His first instinct
was
to
blow
> > > the
> > > candle out. Well, that didn't work, so he blew harder ....
The
gel
from
> > > the candle splattered and went everywhere. Everywhere
included
his
face.
> > >
> > > He had 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree burns all over his face.
The gel
doesn't
> > > cool
> > >
> > > like wax does, so the bits that were still on his face
continued
to
burn
> > >
> > > him. And you can't wipe the stuff off, it just rolls up and
keeps
> > > burning.
> > > Please don't use gel candles. Fortunately his scars are not
noticable
> > > now,
> > > but the "what ifs" are tremendous. This is definitely a
forward
that
is
> > > a
> > >
> > > MUST!
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