You Do What You Have To Do:
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by: Tina and Danielle
Rated: R (adult stuff, ya know?)
copyright: 1999
Hey Nick, we just can't seem to catch each other, can we? Uh...I guess I'll
try to catch you later. Bye."

I looked down at the phone in my hands and snorted. Can't seem to catch each
other, my ass. I had gotten smart and put a timestamp on my voicemail and
sure as shit, every single time Kevin called me, was during a scheduled
appearance or press conference. He was trying to avoid me, that much I had
figured out in the week and a half that we had been playing phone tag.

I'd tried calling him at all hours, odd times like 2am or 4 and still no
answer. I called first thing in the morning, nothing. I called in the
afternoon, still nothing. But every time I turned my phone back on after I
was forced to turn it off, there would be a message there. They started out
personal, with nicknames and a love you at the end. Now I was getting
voicemail I would leave my mother. They were so impersonal and cold.

I sat on my bed and shuddered. I hated the night, I hated beds. A week ago
the nightmares had come back. Every night I burned over and over again. At
first it was Stefanie standing there and laughing at me, now Kevin was
standing with her, laughing just as loud as she was, taunting me for
believing that he could possibly ever love me.

Love. That was a strange word. I had been so sure that I was in love with
Kevin. So sure this was the love that I had been waiting my whole life for.
I shook my head, Just goes to show you how wrong you can be. I had given up
trying to figure out what I had done wrong, what made Kevin not love me any
more. Oh he still left messages and made his pathetic attempts to call,
always when I wouldn't be available, but I saw through it now, it was all
done to avoid me.

I looked down at the phone in my hands and bit my lip, I missed him. Oh
god, how I missed him. Just like my world came alive when I was with him,
it seemed to be slowly dying around me the further he pulled away. He was
withdrawing from me more and more everyday and I couldn't do anything but
watch him leave. Then I realized there was something I could do, something
I needed to do to keep my sanity.

I could turn myself towards the future and stop looking back on what could
have been. The longer I looked at what was dying around me, the more I felt
like I wanted to die myself and I knew that wasn't good for me. Hell, even
Brian knew something beyond getting over Satan's reign of terror over Kevin
and I was happening.

He clucked over me like a mother hen and it was annoying the shit out of me.
He was absolutely sure I was doing something bad for me in my room. I
wouldn't let him in and he couldn't stand that he didn't know what I was
doing at all times. I just needed time to myself to do something for me and
he didn't understand that. With Kevin all but gone from my life, I felt
like no one understood me anymore.

I sighed and pulled on my sweatshirt, Kevin's had been boxed up and I had
mailed it back to him yesterday with a note that somehow it had gotten in my
things and that he might like it back. It was a lie and we both knew it,
but I needed what little dignity I could get out of this whole situation. I
pulled on my shoes and got grabbed my key, getting ready for what had become
my nightly ritual, walking the streets until just before dawn to avoid going
to sleep, to avoid the nightmares.

I dialed a number on my phone and waited for it to pick up. "Hi, this is
Nick Carter. I need a new phone and phone number please. This phone is
pretty much broken and some fans have found my number. Yes, charge it to my
card. Two days? Thank you. Goodbye." I hung up and walked to balcony,
looking over the edge to the parking lot 23 stories below and dropped the
phone. I was halfway to the door when I heard it hit the concrete and
shatter.

******************************

Kevin stared down at the sweatshirt nestled in the box. There was a note
scrawled in Nick's chicken scratching,
Kevin,

This was in with my stuff. Thought you might like to get it back.

Nick.

He lifted the sweatshirt from the box and pressed the material to his face,
smelling traces of Nick on it. He knew Nick had worn the sweatshirt, he had
seen pictures and footage from the press conference in LA with Nick wearing
it. It had made his day to see Nick wearing something of his. It actually
looked better on him, it brought out his blue eyes.

He closed his eyes and inhaled again. It had been three days since he had
heard from Nick. No messages, no phone calls, no relayed updates from any
of the other guys. He was beginning to get worried. He pulled out his cell
phone and made sure it was still on. Yes, it was. He didn't have the no
service signal. He pressed the button for messages. Nothing.

A little voice inside of him was tormenting him, 'Of course he's not going
to call you. Why should he? He's a smart boy, he knows that you've been
avoiding him. You didn't hide it that well, genius.'

Kevin sighed and dialed the number for Nick's cell phone, deciding not to
wait any longer for him to call. Kevin smiled when he heard it ringing and
then frowned when a mechanical woman's voice came on the line. "The party
you are trying to reach has disconnected this number. We are sorry no
forwarding number has been given."

He closed the phone and stared at the wall. He had disconnected the number?
Why? He squeezed his eyes shut and choked back tears. 'Because I've driven
him to this, that's why. He thinks I don't love him any more. ' Kevin looked
at himself in the mirror, staring deep into his own eyes, "Is he right? Do I
not love him any more?"

His reflection didn't have an answer.

Kevin sat down on the bed, knowing that it would be another long night of no
sleep again. The dreams were back and they were more horrible than ever.
Every night Nick died a thousand fiery deaths and all Kevin could do was
watch. The farther he ran from what he was feeling, the worse they got.

****************************

Kevin's eyes jerked open with at the sound of frantic pounding on his door,
"KEVIN RICHARDSON GET YOUR ASS UP AND ANSWERING THIS DOOR!!!" He realized he
must have dozed off.

Kevin got up and let AJ in, nearly having to catch him he was pounding on
the door so intently when he yanked it open. "What AJ?"

AJ wrung his hands in front of him, something he only did when he was really
upset about something. I immediately felt my gut freeze and clench in
reaction to the emotion on his face. "AJ, what is it? You are scaring me."

AJ looked up at Kevin, "It's Nick. He's gone. Brian went in to check in on
him, he's been worried about Nick. He said Nick's been very quiet and
withdrawn, not exactly the Chaos we know and love. He was worried and he
went to peek his head in the room and it was empty. God Kev, it's 2 am
there! Where the hell could he have gone at this hour?!"

Kevin just looked at AJ in shock. Nick. Gone. He knew it was his fault.


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