You Do What You Have To Do:
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by: Tina and Danielle
Rated: R (adult stuff, ya know?)
copyright: 1999
I glanced at my watch. 4:50 am. The sun would be up soon. Another night I had managed to stay awake and fight off the nightmares. I'd crash sometime during the day and get enough sleep to keep me going.

But at times my waking hours were almost as bad as being asleep and drowning in those damn nightmares. I could close my eyes and feel Kevin's lips on mine. His body pressed again mine. Him inside me. I honestly didn't know how much more I could take. I seemed to be in hell if I was awake or if I was asleep.

I'm ashamed to say it but I had wondered more than once if I wouldn't be better off dead. But I knew deep down that I had too much of a will to live. If I hadn't, then Stefaine would have succeeded in burning me alive when she had the chance.

I headed back to the hotel and let myself in the room, trying to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn't wake Brian up. However, when the lights suddenly came on I hollered and nearly jumped out of my skin. I whirled around to find Brian standing there, glaring at me with a mixture of anger and relief.

"What are you doing up so early, Bri? You nearly gave me a heart attack."

He said, "Yeah, it's him. Hold on a second." It was then I realized that Brian was on the phone with someone. Hmph. Someone hell. I knew exactly who he was on the phone with.

Brian walked up to me and got in my face. I thought we were gonna go to blows here with the way he was all puffed up, sticking his chest out and shit.

"I gave you a heart attack, Nick? I come in to your room in the middle of the night to check on you because I'm worrying myself sick over you and find you gone. Your bed not even slept in and I gave you a fuckin' heart attack?!"

Uh-oh. Brian used the "f" word. That only meant one thing. He was seriously ticked off at me this time.

"Huh?", he said, speaking into the phone again. Then the thrust the phone at me and said, "Here."

I reluctantly took the phone from him and said, "What?"

Kevin felt like he had been punched in the gut when Nick spoke that one cold word to him. Suddenly his mouth was dry and he had to struggle a second to get his wits about him.

"Thank God, Nick. Are you okay? You had us all scared half to death."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He actually sounded concerned for me. The bastard.

"Nick, please. Answer me. Are you okay?"

With more calmness than I actually felt, I said, "No, I'm not fine, Mr. Richardson." And with that I hit the disconnet button on the phone and dropped it on the floor at Brian's feet.

I headed towards my room when Brian grabbed me by the arm and spun me around to face him.

"Nick, what is the matter? Please tell me. I don't even feel like I know you anymore. You won't eat unless I all but cram it down your throat myself. You don't sleep. You spend every spare moment you have locked in your room and won't let me in. Are you doing drugs, Nick?"

My eyes, I'm sure, got as big as silver dollars. "What?", I stuttered. "I can not believe you just asked me that question, Brian. I thought you were my friend. If you had to ask me that, then you apparently do indeed NOT know me at all."

I jerked my arm free of him and continued to my room. At my room door, I looked back at Brian and said, "For the record - no, I am not doing drugs. That is something that I don't ever want to know about. What I want is to be left alone, Bri. You have no idea the hell I've gone through the last few months. I was actually in hell, staring Satan in the face. There is stuff I have to deal with by myself. You, my parents - hell, even God himself can't help me through this." I went in my room and locked the door behind me.
I leaned against the door and slid down to the floor. I buried my face in my hands and let the tears fall. This time I didn't try and stop them. There was only one person who could help me but he apparently couldn't help himself these days. Maybe I was better off alone.

Brian heard the lock click and he sunk down to his knees right there and cried. He was rapidly losing hope that things were ever going to be the same again. After a bit, he got up and went to his own room and lay down. There was one thing he was rapidly developing in common with Nick. He was no longer sleeping either.

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Kevin sat there looking at the phone after Nick hung up on him, not quite beleiving that Nick had indeed hung up on him.

AJ finally managed to pry Kev's fingers from around the phone loose and took it out of his hand. Kevin didn't realize he was even crying until he felt Howie's fingers brush across his cheeks wiping the tears away.

Kev was sitting on the bed, Howie beside him. AJ knealt down in front of Kevin and said, "Train, what is going on? Did you and Nick have a fight or something? Please let us help you. It's killing me and Howie to see you like this."

Kevin continued to sit there, quietly crying. AJ thought his big, strong brother look like a little lost boy at that moment.

Kevin finally said, "No, we didn't have a fight. Nothing is going on. I just wanna be left alone. I'm tired."

Howie said, "Nothing is going on my ass. Kevin, you don't eat. You don't sleep. You are working out morning, noon, and night until you practically collapse from exhaustion. You, my friend, are heading for a nervous breakdown and AJ and I can't help you until you tell us what is going on."

Kevin got up and started digging around for a pair of shorts and tank top to put on. "I don't want you and AJ to help me. Just leave me alone. I have to deal with this on my own and try to make up for what I've done. Now, I'm going to change and go work out. Excuse me."

*************
I didn't want to do this interview. "Please, God, let a giant hole open up right here in this floor right now and gobble me up."

No hole opened up and I was beginning to think the big man upstairs was growing rather annoyed with my constant whinning these days.

In the limo ride to the television studio, Brian and I were both quiet. Brian kept his head turned away from, staring out the window. I wondered if how sad and miserable he looked right then mirrored my own expression.

"Brian?"

He turned and looked at me expectantly.

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't tell him.

"Um, nevermind. Sorry. It wasn't important anyhow."

He sighed and turned to look back out the window.

I sighed too and returned to my window. Not only had I lost my lover but I had lost my best friend as well.

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Brian and I were lead into the studio where a big satellite screen was set up. Carson Daly from MTV was going to be interviewing us via satellite for a MTV special about the "Longevity" of Boy Bands. Kevin, Howie, and AJ were going to actually be at the MTV studios in NY with Carson. They'd be able to see us on the satellite screen they'd have in their studio as we'd be able to see them on this one in front of us.

Howie, AJ, and Kevin were led onto the set where they were given some instructions about was going to happen and what questions to expect from Carson. Howie and AJ kept looking at Kevin worriedly. He was just sitting there, staring straight ahead. If they hadn't been able to see his chest rising as he breathed, they would have sworn he was made out of stone.

Carson joined them on the set and about 10 minutes later they were given the green light and the interview began. The satellite screen in front of them filled with the image of Nick and Brian. Kevin lifted his eyes and looked at Nick. The gasp was out of his mouth before he could control it.

Carson frowned, "You ok, Kevin?" AJ quickly said, "He went crazy with his work out this morning. Over did it. Apparently thought he was superman or something. Now everytime he moves he makes those funny little noises." Him, Howie, and Carson laughed. Kevin managed a smile and Carson continued with the interview.

Kevin drank in the vision of Nick before him. God, the kid looked rough. His hair was dull, hanging in his eyes. His eyes didn't seem so blue anymore. He looked pale and drawn. He was wearing a sweatshirt that looked about 3 sizes too big for him. "I'm sorry, Nick. I'm so sorry," he kept muttering to himself over and over.

I didn't hear half of what anybody said. I couldn't peel my eyes off Kevin. He looked sick. His hair was getting long and sticking up all over the place. He hadn't shaved either. There were dark circles under his eyes but the thing that really struck me like a ton of bricks was his eyes. They looked dead - there was no sparkle to them. No twinkle.

Suddenly, Brian elbowed me and said, "Nick, Carson asked you a question."

Shit, I hadn't heard it.

I fiddled with my ear piece and said, "I'm sorry, Carson. My ear piece keeps cutting out on me. I didn't hear what you said."

Good save, Nick. I had to give myself a pat on the back for that one.

Carson said, "Since we were talking about how lonely the road gets we were just wondering if you'd been able to see your family since you've been out in LA."

"No, Carson, I haven't seen them this trip. Aaron just finished another tour so the family decided to vacation in Austraia for a bit before coming home."

The interview drug on for another 20 minutes until it was finally over. Before the camera had even been turned off, Nick tore his microphone and ear piece off and flew off the set.
Kevin watched him go. "Oh, what the hell have I done?"

*************
There was nothing scheduled for the rest of that day or for that night. Nick stayed locked in his room as usual and Brian sat staring a hole through Nick's door, wishing he could see what was going on inside.

Kevin had stayed in hsi room as well. Howie and AJ fretted over him and finally decided they needed to get him out of the hotel and get some food in him.

Kevin glared at the both of them when they barged in his room and said, "Get out."

AJ glared back, "You're gonna have to make us. We're gonna fight you all the way on this one, bud."

Him and Howie fought with him a few minutes getting him up and picking out clothes for him to wear. Finally, Kevin threw his hands up in surrender and said, "Ok, if you guys leave me be, I will get dressed on my own. Where are we going?"

Howie said, "That little restaraunt right around the corner. Then we're going to the premiere of the Tarzan moive - AJ scored us some tickets to it. If you're not out in 20, we're coming back in for you and we're bringing reinforcements."

Kevin rolled his eyes and shooed them our the door. He put on his leather pants and leather jacket with a tan turtle neck underneath. When he walked out, AJ and Howie both whistled at him causing him to blush.

AJ said, "With a shower and a shave, you clean up right nicely, Train."

Kevin thumped him on the ear and said, "Come on and let's go. Lead the way you jack asses."

The restaraunt was crowded and the waitress told them it would be about 45 minutes before she'd have a table for them. So the three men went into the bar to wait. They all took a seat at the bar and ordered drinks and a big bowl of pretzels to munch on.

AJ and HOwie were talking up a storm and telling jokes, managing to get some responses out of Kevin, which was more than they had gotten since they'd been in NY. While AJ and Howie checked out the girls, Kevin people watched and wallowed even more in self pity.

Howie went off to the men's room while AJ went over to talk to a cute red head he'd spotted at the other end of the bar. Finally, Kevin was alone. He took a sip of his scotch and said, "Thank God for a little peace however short it may be."

It was cut shorter than he would have liked. Suddenly, there was a presence beside him and he looked up into a face that could have been his own. There was a tall, dark guy standing beside him. His hair was longer than Kevin's and had some blond streaks in it. But he had the same green eyes and it was obvious that he worked out as well.

He smiled at Kevin and said, "Mind if I join you? You look kinda lonely sitting here."

Kevin just froze. "What did you just say to me?"

The man moved closer to Kevin and brushed his fingers across the top of Kev's hand. "I said a good looking man like you should be sitting here looking lonely. My name is Marc and I'd like to keep you company."

Kevin shoved the guy away from him so hard that Marc stumbled and almost fell. Kevin flew off the bar stool and glared at him, "I'm not a fuckin fag and if you ever come near me again and touch me, I'll break every one of your fingers."

Marc put up his hands defensively and said, "Dude, I'm so sorry but I'm a good judge of character and you were seriously sending out some heavy vibes here. Sorry again."

Howie and AJ had come back then and witnessed Kevin's outburst. They both grabbed an arm and escorted him outside before he decided to punch this guy out.

Once they were away from the restaraunt, they turned loose of Kevin and AJ said, "Wanna tell us what that was all about?"

"That guy come on to me and I told him to get lost." Kevin walked around in a circle, running his fingers nervously through his hair. "Do I have a sign on me now that says I'm gay or something? Geez, I can't believe that jerk hit on me. And he said I was putting out vibes. What kid of bullshit is that?"

Kevin felt a wetness on his cheest and started rubbing furiously at the tears, wanting them to stop. He was so sick of crying he could just scream.

AJ grabbed Kevin's hands and pulled them down from his face. He got right in Kevin's face and said, "You talk now. We're tired of this bullshit. You're killing yourself and you're killing, Nick. How could you be so fuckin brave and survive what that bitch did to you only to do yourself in now?"

Kevin groaned, "I'm so confused about how I feel. I don't know what to do anymore. How can I be gay now when I've never ever looked at another man before Nick? And if I'm gay why does the thought of any other man make me sick? Why did they do this to me? She made her sicko friend, Frank, rape me and told me they'd make me like to suck dick. Did they do this to me? Did they turn me on to Nick?"

Howie stepped up to Kevin and said, "Kev, bro, I want to say this to you and I want you to think about it. You seem to be totally ate up with guilt about being gay and who is to blame for it. And I'm thinking you're feeling like you made Nick gay seeing as how he was like you and had never been interested in men before. But what you're not seeing Kevin is that this isn't about being gay. This is about two friends falling in love with one another. YOu and Nick give each other something that is missing in your lives. You make one another complete. Most people dream of finding the love that you two found but sadly not many have that dream come true."


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