You Do What You Have To Do:
****************************
by: Tina and Danielle
Rated: R (adult stuff, ya know?)
copyright: 1999
AJ and Howie were just reeling at what Kevin had revealed. Their eyes met
over Kevin's bowed head in an expression of 'oh my freakin' god! He had been
raped?! By a guy?!'

They were wrong. They thought they knew everything that had happened, that
what they had lived through couldn't get any worse. They were so wrong. It
could and it did.

Kevin was sitting on the curb, his knees not wanting to stay stable enough
to hold him upright. Howie's words had struck a chord with him. The boy
was too....right sometimes. All his life he had been praying to find a love
that just completed him, made him see everything differently, hearts,
flowers, fireworks, the whole deal. Now that he'd gotten it, he'd run.

He smacked his forehead with his palm, then he did it again, and again.
When he went for the fourth time, a hand grabbed his wrist and he looked up.
AJ was standing there looking down at him, "Hey! One of us with questionable
sanity is enough! Don't be treading on my turf man!" Kevin had to smile at
that.

AJ smiled back, "Wow, he still remembers how to do that!"

Kevin rolled his eyes, "I hate you both."

Howie raised an eyebrow, "Why is that?"

Kevin sighed and stood up, "Because you both are being totally right way too
often these days. Talk about treading on my turf." He gave AJ a look.

AJ just smiled crazily and threw an arm around Kevin's shoulders, "Kev, you
were never right. We just let you believe you were, 'cause you were so big
and scary."

Before Kevin could turn and swat him, AJ was running down the street,
cackling like a maniac. Kevin heaved another sigh and rolled his eyes. The
boy was a nut.

Howie walked beside Kevin and groaned, causing Kevin to look up, "Oh man, he
found it."

Kevin looked at AJ who was staring into the sky with a dopey grin on his
face. Then Kevin looked beyond AJ to see the sign of the golden arches down
the street. AJ let out a whoop of joy and threw his arms out like he was
trying to hug the air, "MAMA I"M COMIN HOME!!!!!" He then ran back to the
other two and grabbed their wrists and practically dragged them behind him.

AJ and Howie met eyes, their unspoken plan working. They knew if they kept
Kevin busy enough he would not be able to think about Nick or what had just
happened in the bar.

Howie looked at AJ, heaven knew it was hard enough to concentrate on
anything but AJ when he was acting this crazy. You had to watch him, it
wasn't an option not to. The minute you turned your back, sure as shit, you
would have ketchup in your hair or he would be dancing on a table singing at
the top of his lungs. Howie shook his head, the things you do for your
friends.

They both knew that what Kevin had just told them had to be dealt with, but
right now was not the time. They didn't even think Kevin had registered that
he told them, so they knew it was the right thing not to react to it, like
they had known all along. But it didn't stop them from reeling inside,
being very careful not to show it on the outside.

*********************
I watched the last of the red liquid swirl with the water as it drained out
of the sink. I leaned his forehead against the mirror and was calmer now.
It hadn't let me down, it never had. Some days I knew it was the only thing
keeping my sanity intact.

I wiped a towel over my damp hands and face, wiping the sweat away and
slowly peeling off my clothes. Once I was naked, I turned on the shower as
hot as I could stand it and stood under the spray.

When I had washed himself, with a flick of the wrist, I turned off the hot
water and braced myself against the torrent of cold water, knowing it would
make me more alert. It had been almost three days now since I had slept and
I knew that I was pushing my limits, but the nightmares were too real to
even consider sleeping.

When I felt myself whimpering from the icy water, I turned it off and
started drying myself. I chose my clothes carefully, something that would
blend into a crowd. Something that would make me invisible. Blessedly, we
had the night off tonight.

Brian I think had given up on me. When I had left my room to get a soda, I'd
found a note on the mini fridge telling me that he had gone to a movie and
not to do anything stupid in his absence. I had to smile at that. He was
beginning to sound like.... I frowned and crumpled the note in my hand.

God dammit I missed him. I missed him so much sometimes that I couldn't
even breathe. As mad as I was at him, there wasn't anything on this earth
that I wouldn't give to feel his arms around me. I slumped down on a chair,
wrapped my arms around myself and chewed on my lip. What bothered me was
that I felt so used. Like I had been tricked into loving him with all that I
was and then he threw it back in my face. He said all the right things and
made promises that I was questioning if he had ever meant to keep.

I pulled my book onto his lap, the note from him long ago burned. He wasn't
getting the book back. I figured it was a small trade in exchange for my
dignity, but it was a start. I opened the book to the halfway point, my
fingers hitting the bookmark I had left in there. I bent my head and
started reading, getting caught up in the story again.

Time seemed to just fall away from me. The next time I looked up, Brian was
standing over me, looking down at me. He had a blanket in his arms and I
think he was just about to put it over me. I must have dozed off. The book
was against my chest, the pages pressed against my body like I was trying to
absorb the words inside. I let my eyes flutter closed again, he hadn't seen
me looking at him.

A second later, I was surrounded by the warmth of the blanket being spread
over me. Brian made sure to cover up my feet and I could smell popcorn as
he moved around me, making me wish that I had gone with him, it smelled so
comforting. I kept my eyes closed and he moved my hair out of my face. "If
it's any comfort at all, he loves you. I know he does. As much as I didn't
want to believe my cousin and my best friend love each other...he loves you,
Nick. I'm sure of that, like I'm sure I'm breathing." With that he was
gone. I heard the click of his door as he shut it and opened my eyes.

He knew?! How in the hell?!! I threw the blanket off and dropped the book on
the chair. My mind was reeling a million miles a minute. He had known for
how long now? And he didn't say a word! Damn! I couldn't have been more
shocked if he had set me on fire. I...I needed to think. Yah, that's what I
needed to do. I grabbed my key and jacket and walked out of the hotel.

**********************
Kevin talked out of the side of his mouth, smiling the entire time, "I think
I'm getting lock jaw."

He heard AJ snicker as the flashbulbs continued until they were rescued by a
press aide. She took Howie's arm and escorted them past the press and into
the movie premiere. Once the roar of the press and the blinding flashbulbs
had faded, they all sighed in relief.

Howie smiled at their savior, "Thanks, it was a jungle out there, no pun
intended." He winked at her and sent her giggling like a school girl. Kevin
and AJ just groaned at the bad pun then watched with open mouths as Howie
stuck out his arm and the press aide looped her arm through it. He looked
back at the two of them staring open mouthed like guppies, "Coming?"

AJ chuckled and said very lowly, so only Kevin could hear him, "Well if he
plays his cards right, I would say yah, he will be cumming some time this
evening."

Kevin managed to keep a straight face, a blushing straight face, but a
straight one none the less.

They all sat in the movie theatre just as it got dark and the heavy beats of
percussion rocketed around the theatre.

Kevin was trying to pay attention to the movie, really he was. But Nick's
face kept superimposing itself on Tarzan's, a little voice inside of him
saying 'You abandoned him, Kevin. You promised him you wouldn't leave. You
promised, Kevin. You promised and you broke every single one of them. Do you
like being alone, Kevin? Because that is what you are going to be for the
rest of your life. You only get one soulmate and you blew it. Your soulmate
is your soulmate, no matter the package it's wrapped in. This is the rest
of your life, surrounded by people but alone inside.

Game's over, Kevin and you lost. She wins. She may be dead, but you might as
well be. Living life in fear of what you are, giving up your soulmate
because you are a chicken shit, being miserable by your own hand. You're
dead, Kevin. You are dead inside and now the rest of your life is just a
waiting game for the outside to catch up with the inside.'

Kevin sank lower and lower in the seat with every word that echoed in his
head. What hurt the most is that he knew every word was true. He shook his
head, not wanting to believe it.

AJ looked at Kevin shaking his head and knew that it was more than a
reaction to the movie. Carefully he reached over and pinched Kevin in the
arm. Kevin gasped softly and looked at AJ with a stone mask on his face,
then the mask fell as he leaned closer to AJ, "Thank you."

AJ nodded and turned back to the movie, thankful Kevin hadn't beaten him to
a pulp for pinching him.

Kevin watched the rest of the movie, managing to quell the taunting voice
inside of him for the time being. The end credits were rolling and a song
started to play. It was a song that the mother gorilla had sung to Tarzan
about being different. As corny as it sounded, the song touched him and made
him yearn for Nick to be in his arms and watching the movie with him,
knowing it would be alright as long as they had each other. Now the song
was on again, but it was different this time, he recognized the voice of
Phil Collins singing it, and this time the lyrics hit him, hard.

He could just see how awful Nick looked in the MTV interview, how badly he
wanted to wrap the younger boy in his arms and tell him that he was there,
that he was stupid and scared, that it would be alright. Most of all he
wanted to tell Nick that he was wrong. 'Oh Nick, I'm not the strong one.
You keep telling me I am, but I'm not. It's you, Nick. You don't run from
your feelings, you don't run from love, you didn't run from me. You are the
strong one. Stronger than anyone your age should have to be.'

Kevin really listened to the song this time, the trueness of the words
hitting him like a blow.

Come stop your crying, it will be alright
Just take my hand, hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here, don't you cry

For one so small you seem so strong
my arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm
this bond between us can't be broken
I will be here, don't you cry.

'cause you'll be in my heart
yes, you'll be in my heart
from this day on, now and forever more
you'll be in my heart no matter what they say
you'll be in my heart always

Why can't they understand the way we feel,
they just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different, but deep inside us
we're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
yes, you'll be in my heart
>From this day on
now and forever more.

Don't listen to them
'cause what do they know
we need each other,
to have, to hold
they'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
you must be strong
I may not be with you
but you've got to hold on
They'll see you in time
I know
We'll show them together

Kevin was left reeling in his seat. It was like the song was trying to tell
him to wake up and smell the coffee already. It was telling him what deep
down in his heart he knew. That anything worth having is worth fighting for,
tooth and nail. It was worth fighting demons both inner ones and those that
invaded your dreams. It was worth anything that anyone might say against it.
It was worth his life if that is what it came down to. He didn't want Nick
in his heart, he wanted Nick in his arms, in his life, so in love with him
that neither one of them could see straight and if anyone had a problem with
that, well then they didn't need them in their lives.

Kevin stood before the lights went out and grabbed a surprised Howie and
Kevin, practically dragging them to the door. When he got them outside, he
let them go and looked at them, the words spilling from his mouth almost
faster than he could get them out, "I love Nick. I love him so much it
hurts. I want to hold him, I want to kiss him, I want to make love to him
like there is no tomorrow. Hell, someday I want to marry him.

But I ran scared. I used this press tour to distance myself from him
because I was scared of all of that. I'm killing myself and him in the
process because I wanted to blame someone for having my soulmate be in a
man's body. There is no one to blame. I didn't ask to be raped, I didn't
ask for Stefanie to do what she did. She's evil and she's dead and I can't
let her win by making me be afraid to live any more.

I want my life back, I want my fucking mind back, but most of all I want
Nick back and I want to know that my bandmates are going to support the both
of us. I want to know that I'm going to be able to count on both of you to
back both of us up. Because if you aren't, I quit. I love this, but Nick
is worth more to me and it's time I started showing it."

Howie and AJ looked at each other and finally understood what had been going
on. They may not have known the details before, but they knew something was
going on and they could see Kevin losing that scared little boy look and the
confident and assured Kevin was now back and he was taking control of his
life again. Silently, they cheered. This is what they had been waiting for.
They both smiled and looked at Kevin. Howie spoke up for the two of them.
"It's about time, Kevin."

Kevin raised an eyebrow, "You knew all along?"

They nodded, "We didn't know the details, but any idiot can see that you two
love each other. You are perfect for each other. We love you, we love Nick
and this makes both of you happy, so who are we to stand in the way of
love?"

Kevin felt like a weight had been lessened on his shoulders, he still had to
deal with Brian, but something told him that it would be easier than he
thought. He sighed and couldn't stop the smile on his face.

He was brought out of his happy little trance when something slapped on his
chest. He looked down to see a plane ticket being held by AJ. Kevin took
it and noticed it was to California, "Kev, this is nice and everything, but
get out of here. Go get your boyfriend back. Tell him everything you told us
and beg, Kev, if that's what it takes. Get on your knees and beg." He handed
Kevin his cell phone, knowing Kevin had forgotten his at the hotel, "Take my
cell and git! Your flight leaves in an hour and a half. TAXI!"

Kevin didn't know what to say, but he wasn't going to question it for once.
He was just going to make that flight if it killed him. Kevin hopped in the
taxi and looked at the driver, "Airport, break as many laws as you need to,
just get there, fast."

*************************

I stirred my coffee, I had been sitting in this all night diner on Sunset
for the past four hours, I was on coffee number five now. I looked at my
watch, it was just past three now and the streets were pretty much empty. I
drained the last of my coffee, grimacing from the bitter taste and settled
my bill.

I started walking down the street, away from the neon and the closing clubs
that were spilling the last of their patrons out onto the street like
yesterday's bath water. I pulled my cap down a little further and hunched
up my shoulders, trying to seem like just any other club kid going home. I
kept walking blindly through the night, something urging me further into the
darkness. Then I heard it.

It was a horn, not a car one, but a musical one. Then I picked out a piano
and the swish of a snare drum. The music seemed to be calling me to it, my
feet moving without me even consciously guiding them. I found a blues club
that was really no more than corner store type building that had been
cleaned out and set up with a makeshift stage at one end and the rest was
packed full with tables and a bar in the opposite corner.

I stood in the doorway and watched the scene, the music spilling around me
and out onto the street. It was so raw, so unrehearsed. I loved it. I
closed my eyes and listened to the horn softly whispering out over the
crowd, almost sounding like a person moaning hoarsely. The restrained whine
of it reminding me of Kevin when I had licked across his chest on my way to
more powerful depths.

A hand on my arm brought me out of my reverie with a gasp and I turned to
see a pair of chocolate brown eyes looking at me. "Honey, come in. Don't
stand at the door, we don't bite." I looked down at the woman holding my
arm.

She was in her forties, maybe fifties and her eyes sparkled in the low light
of the club, it could have been haze of the smoke in the air, but they
sparkled. She couldn't have been pushing more than 5'5" in heels and her
hair was pinned up over her ear with an elaborate clip and her lips were
stained a wine red color. She looked like she could have stepped right out
of the forties, even her dress looked like it had stepped out of a black and
white movie. I smiled at her, "I wasn't sure if this was a private club."

She smiled back, "It is, Honey. Only people who can feel the blues need
apply and honey, you look like you are feeling the blues more than a boy
your age should."

I smiled wanly at her, "Well, I've always been advanced for my age."

She clucked over me and brought me to a table near the front, waving her
hand and magically a waiter appeared with a glass of a burgundy liquid in a
glass for her and a coke for me. I smiled, "Knew I wasn't 21 huh?"

She nodded and reached over the table, pulling my baseball cap off of my
head, "Better, Honey. Now I can see your eyes. Pretty things, you shouldn't
cover them."

I chuckled, "Yah, I've been told that before."

She leaned even more over the table and grabbed my chin, looking me dead in
the eye, "Oh honey, love trouble. Big love trouble."

I jumped a little, surprised she could read me so well. I nodded against
her hand, "Yeah. I love, I don't think I'm loved back."

She nodded knowingly, "Separated from the one you love huh?"

I nodded again, my eyes filling with tears, "Yes. I think in this case,
absence is not making the heart fonder."

She smiled sadly, "Oh Honey, I know what that is like. That girl must be
blind not to see all the love in your eyes."

I had to chuckle at that. She raised an eyebrow, "Oh. I see it's not girl
trouble is it? It's man trouble."

My mouth fell open. I just kind of flopped it uselessly for a second, the
denials not wanting to come off of my tongue. Instead I just clamped my
mouth shut and nodded my head, consequences be damned. "I miss him so
much." My voice wasn't more than a hoarse whisper, but she heard it anyway.

"He's running from it, isn't he? Running scared."

I nodded again and the tears started up. Jeez Carter, suck it up, you are
crying in front of a total stranger for Christ's sake! My tears didn't seem
to want to listen. They hovered on the edge of my lashes and I knew without
a second of warning they would spill.

A voice from the stage interrupted our conversation. "Etta, are you going to
sing for us this evening or not?"

The woman I was sitting with looked up at the man holding the trumpet and
rolled her eyes at his with a smile, raising a finger for him to wait a
second. She leaned close to me again, "Well, now you know my name. What is
yours?"

I raised my eyes to meet hers, "Nick."

She nodded and patted my shoulder, "You sit there and listen. I have to go
earn a living now."

I nodded and watched her walk to the stage. No, that's not right, she didn't
walk, that was too plain, she sashayed. I always though that was a stupid
word, but she seemed to walk to a music only she could hear and sashay was
the only way to describe it.

I watched as she took her place behind the microphone and she met eyes with
me. "I'm going to sing a song I haven't felt in a long time. But a new
friend reminded me of the torture of being away from your love. The pain of
watching the other run from love out of fear. I think this is a song my new
friend needs to hear."

She took a sip of a glass of water that was near her and looked over the
crowd, all waiting with bated breath for the song. She swept her gaze over
to me and I knew this song was for me, even without her telling me.

Her lips opened and the musicians started behind her, their beat causing her
to sway behind the microphone, her eyes drifting shut and opening again as
she started to sing.

Her voice was like nothing I had ever heard. For a small woman, the voice
that came out of her was ten times her diminutive size, it wailed with every
bit of the pain and loneliness I felt, it whispered my desperation to have
my love returned and it gave me strength to go on as the power of her words
sunk into me until I felt it in my bones.

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
it's not warm when he's away
ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone to long
anytime he goes away

Wonder this time where he's gone
wonder if he's gone to stay
ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime he goes away

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know , I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
I know.....

hey how to be left alone
but ain't no sunshine when he's gone

ain't no sunshine when he's gone
only darkness every day
ain't no sunshine when he's gone
this house just ain't no home
any time he goes away

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
it's not warm when he's away
ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone too long
anytime he goes away.

anytime he goes away
anytime he goes away
anytime he goes away

I was left staring up at Etta wide eyed. Every word spoke a truth to me like
nothing I had ever known. Every note from the trumpet seemed to wail in
pain for me, every key of the piano announcing the tears that were
streaking down my face,every strike of the snare drum meeting the thump of
my heart beat for beat.

Then I realized that for the first time since leaving Florida, I wasn't
cold. I knew that he could give up on Kevin all I wanted, but it would be
like giving up on a piece of me and if I did I would never be whole again.
The question was, could I live knowing a piece of me would be missing for
the rest of my days? It wasn't an easy question and it begged a thoughtful
answer.

I closed my eyes as Etta's voice washed over me with a new song, only half
hearing it as I begged for the heavens to open up and help me. Just like
all the times before, I was on my own for this decision. Only I could figure
out what I wanted to do.

I sighed, I was so tired. I felt like an old man. I had never felt so alone
in my whole life.


* songs used are You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins and Ain't No Sunshine
by Bill Withers. *


**********************