You Do What You Have To Do:
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by: Tina and Danielle
Rated: R (adult stuff, ya know?)
copyright: 1999
I lay my head down on my arms that were folded on the bar. I don't think I had a heart in my chest anymore. It had been ripped out, thrown down, and stomped on. Now, I felt like I just had this big rock on my chest - pinning me down, making each breath I took hurt all the way down my spine.

I was so damn angry at him and I was sick of asking myself a thousand and ten times what I had done to make him stop loving me. If he was here in front of me right now, I swear to God I'd slap him. Hard. Then I'd slap him again. Even harder. And then I'd take him in my arms and hug him so tight he'd have a cracked rib or two.

I jumped when someone touched my arm and I looked up into Etta's kind, smiling face that was full of sympathy and understanding.

"Young, Nick, if he is running from you, he is scared. Of what? I don't know. Probably of many things that have combined to overwhelm him. He probably wants to come to you and talk to you - beg your forgiveness, your understanding, but he doesn't know how to approach you. You go to him. Ask him why he's scared. Tell him you love him. Tell him he hurt you. Tell him you're there for him."

"That is easier said than done, Etta."

She squeezed my hand and held it tightly to her chest. "Nothing in life that is worth having is easy to get and then you've got to work like hell to keep it. Nick, you are tired. Exhausted. Go to sleep my friend. Deal with your demons this time. Stop running from them."

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head at Etta's words. Did I have a sign on my forehead that was telling my whole life story or something? Etta knew what I was thinking. She said, "The eyes, young Nick. The eyes are the window to the soul. Come on now. Let's get you a cab."

Suddenly, I was tired. I didn't have the strength to hold my head up or keep my eyes open. Getting back to the hotel and getting into bed actually seemed like a good idea for a change.

Etta led me outside and in no time had flagged me a cab. She kissed my cheek and said, "Take care, young Nick. I will be praying for you." With that she shut the door and backed away from the curb. I turned around and watched her until I could no longer see her.

***********
Brian breathed a sigh of relief when he heard Nick come in and go to his room. Brian got up and went to his door and peeked out. Nick went into this room and surprisingly didn't shut the door. That door had been locked constantly for so long that Brian was shocked to see Nick had left it open.

After a few minutes, Brian tip toed out and stood in the doorway to Nick's room. Nick had kicked his shoes off and pulled his shirt off before collapsing on the top of the bed. Brian went back to his room, grabbed the extra blanket he had, and went to Nick's room. He lay the blanket over Nick and watched him sleep for a moment. He then looked around the room but there was nothing out of place - nothing out of ordinary. What the hell had Nick been keeping hid from him?

Brian sighed and went back to his own room. He lay down and fell into a welcomed sleep as well. It had been awhile since he had slept as well.

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Kevin sighed as he looked at his watch for the millionth time. He finally took his watch off and slipped it into his pocket. Looking at it every 2 seconds was not going to make the time move any faster. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander. This time with good thoughts.

Him and Nick were going home. They were laughing and joking as they walked up to the front door. Kevin unlocked the door but before he could step in, Nick grabbed his face with his hands and kissed him hard on the lips leaving him breathless.

Kevin looked at Nick and Nick smiled, "I love you." Kevin smiled and scooped Nick up in his arms, "I love you too, Nickers."

He carried Nick inside, kicking the front door closed behind them. He took Nick to the baby grand piano in the living room and sat him on top of the piano. He kissed and nuzzled Nick's neck, "I love the beautiful music this baby makes but I love the beautiful noises that you make when you're against me, Nick."

Nick took Kevin's hands in his and laced his fingers with Kevin's. "Play me like you do the piano, Kevin."

Kevin sighed and snuggled up lower in his seat as he drifted off into a deep sleep.

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Oh, why couldn't she stay dead?! She had been shot and then she had been burned. But she kept coming back again and again.

I hissed at her, "You're dead bitch. Go back to hell where you belong!" Stefaine's chilling laugh filled the church, "Nicky, Nicky. You are so funny. Don't you know you're never gonna be free of me? Even the day you die, I'm gonna be waiting at the entrance of hell for you with open arms."

I spit on her. "Fuck you bitch!"

Stefaine laughed again but then her hand shot out and slapped me across my face. "I don't want to fuck you, Nick. You're obviously not a good fuck or Kevin wouldn't have left you now would he?"

I fumed. I struggled to get my hands on her. I wanted to wrap my hands around her throat and kill her once and for all. But I couldn't move. I was tied to the cross like Jesus. Jesus died for our sins. I was going to die for Stefaine's sins.

"Kevin loves me, Stefaine. And I love him. He never wanted you the way you wanted him. LET HIM GO!"

Suddenly, Kevin was there. He just stood looking at me.

"Kevin, get out of here. You finally got away from her. Don't let her get you again."

"I never got away from her, Nick. I realize that now. I'm not going to fight her anymore." He turned to Stefaine and bent his head to hers, kissing her, sliding his tongue in her mouth.

"Kevin, stop it! STOP! You can't do this. Are you crazy?!"

My heart pounded in my chest. I gasped for breath, screaming for Kevin to leave her alone but he just continued to kiss that monster.

"Stefaine, you are dead. Go away. YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE FUCKIN DEAD!", I screamed at her.

She turned to Kevin and said, "Hold your right hand up, Kevin." He did as she asked and Stefaine pulled out a cigarette lighter.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" No matter how much I struggled I could not get to Kevin.

Stefaine flicked the lighter and a flame that seemed entirely too big to be coming from that small lighter filled the air. She moved the lighter over Kevin's hand.

"OH GOD NO!!! PLEASE NO! STOP IT!" The smell of burning flesh made me gag. I heaved and gagged but there was nothing in my stomach to come out. Through the tears in my eyes I watched Kevin's skin melt away from his bones. He continued to stand there and smile lovingly at Stefaine. Not seeing or hearing me anymore.

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Brian practially jumped out of his skin when the first screams rang out. He realized it was Nick and he ran into Nick's room and stopped at the sight before him.

Nick was thrashing all over the bed. Legs kicking, arms striking out at anything in it's path.

*crash*

The bedside lamp crashed to the floor as Nick swung his arm at it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't leave me, Kevin. Please don't leave me. Don't die. Please. Kevin!!!!!!!!!"

Brian realized Nick was having an all out nightmare and rushed to his side.

"Nick, Nick wake up. It's me Brian. Wake up, Nick."

He tried to grab Nick by the arms and shake him until he woke up but Nick's struck out and his fist connected with Brian's jaw, sending Brian stumbling back and landing hard on his rear end.

But Brian got back up and went right back, trying again.

"Nick, buddy, it's just a dream. Wake up, Nick. Oh God, wake up, Nick."

"Kevin, don't die. Don't leave me. KEVINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN."

Nick was drenched in sweat and he looked so pale - white as a ghost. He began gasping for air in between his screams and Brian freaked out.

He grabbed his cell phone and dailed Kevin's number. It rang and rang. Brian cried, "Oh come on, Kevin, answer it. For the love of God answer it!"

AJ's groggy voice finally said, "This better be damn good considering what time it is."

"Where is Kevin, AJ? I need him now."

Brian's hysterical tone snapped AJ instantly awake and he jerked up out of bed.

"What is going on, Brian? My God, is that Nick screaming? What's wrong?"

"Yes, thats Nick. He's having a nightmare. I can't get him to wake up. He keeps screaming for Kevin. Where is he? I need him."

"He's not here. He's on a plane coming out there."

Brian groaned, "Oh shit. Nick is gonna have a fuckin nervous breakdown if we don't do something, AJ."

AJ called for Howie, who came running out and asked what was going on. AJ told Howie what was happening, his eyes filling with tears as he listened to Nick continue to scream and Brian begin to cry.

"Hold on, Brian. Kevin has my cell phone. I'm gonna do a three way."

AJ's hands were shaking so bad he couldn't even dial his own cell number. Howie took the phone from him and dialed it.

Kevin had just woke up and was stretching when the cell phone rang. He knew before he even answered it that something was wrong. When he heard Nick's screams and Brian's sobs, he said, "Oh, God, what's going on?"

Brian was so choked up he couldn't talk anymore so Howie told Kevin that Nick was having one hell of a nightmare and Brian couldn't wake him up.

"Brian, take the phone to him NOW."

Brian held the phone to Nick's ear but it was hard because he was thrashing around so much.

Kevin began to cry, "Nick, baby, it's me. I'm safe. I'm not gonna leave you. Never again. I swear it. I love you, Nickers. I love you."

Nick sobbed, "No, no, no."

Brian said, "It's not working, Kev."

"Yes, it is. Put the phone back to him."

Brian did so. Kevin said, "I'm on my way, Nick. Hang on baby. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm on the airplane right now."

Once again, Nick sobbed, "No, no, no."

Kevin knew Nick was hearing him. Kevin closed his eyes and began to sing, putting everything he had into the song:

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know our love's forever
I know no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear god say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And i will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
Our dream is being born

No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't hine
Or if the skies are blue
No matter what the ending
My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what

No no no matter
That's all that matters

No no no matter
That's all that matters

That's all that matters to me

AJ and Howie were stunned speechless as they listened to Kevin sing. Never before had they heard anything like this before. AJ whispered to Howie, "That's how the angels in heaven sing." Howie nodded his head in agreement.

Brian watched amazed as Nick grew quiet. He was occasionally moaning but then he grew quiet and he lay still. If he hadn't known it before, he knew it now. Kevin and Nick loved one another more than anything in this world.

I slowly opened my eyes and looked around. I felt like I had been run over by a mack truck and was scared to move at first thinking if I did the pain would be unbearable. But I started to move, nothing hurt too bad, and sat up in bed.

Brian was sititng there looking at me crying. I looked around the room. The lamp was busted on the floor. I was all tangled up in the sheets and blanket from the bed. And I was sopping wet.

I remembered the dream vividly. Stefaine set Kevin on fire. Kevin didn't scream or even cry. He just stood there until his skin slipped off his bones. I thought I had lost him. I couldn't get to him and save him. I was watching him leave me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

But then I heard his voice. Saying my name. Saying he loved me. Then he was singing to me. Was that part of the dream too?"

Brian held the phone out to me. I took it with shaking hands and brought it to my ear.

"Kevin?"

song: No Matter What by Boyzone

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