You Do What You Have To Do:
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by: Tina and Danielle
Rated: R (adult stuff, ya know?)
copyright: 1999

Kevin nearly cried at how small and lost Nick's voice sounded. "Nickers, oh
baby, I'm so sorry. I know you probably hate me."

I didn't know what to say to that. I don't even think I could talk at that
moment, the emotions running through me from both the nightmare and the way
I had been driving myself to keep from sleeping were overtaking my body. I
heard Kevin sigh.

"You do hate me and I deserve it. Nick, I'm going to be landing in LA in a
few minutes. I need to see you. I need to know if there is any way I can
possibly make this up to you, to have you forgive me for being a jackass. I
do love you, Nickers. I do."

I listened to his voice, cracking from emotion and not very stable. I could
feel it pulling at my heartstrings, but I wouldn't let it pull too hard. He
had put me through hell. He had taken my love and thrown it back in my
face. He had ignored me. He had avoided me. That was not love, that was
just being a selfish ass. I gripped the phone harder in my hands, my
breathing becoming unsteady again as I got more and more emotional about it.

"Nick? Please talk to me. I love you. Please, say something."

I closed my eyes, never so tired in my life as that moment. I said the only
thing that was running in my mind over and over. "Liar."

I hit the end button and slumped back on the bed, even the effort of sitting
up too much right now. I turned on my side and looked at the wall, afraid
to go to sleep, but too tired to do anything but lie there. The only thing
I could do was shiver, I was so fucking cold I couldn't stand it.

Brian knew better than to try to talk to me. I didn't want to talk, I
didn't want to move, I didn't want to blink, I didn't even want to breathe,
but I had no choice on that one.

************
Kevin stared at the phone in his hand and felt his eyes well up with tears.
Nick's one word echoing over and over in his mind. He sounded
so....defeated. Kevin sighed and sat back in his seat, anxious for the
plane to land.

His eyes snapped open when the overly perky captain's voice came on the
loudspeaker, within seconds, his carry on was stowed, his seat belt was on
and his tray was in it's upright and locked position. Never had a plane
taken longer to land than this one had. It seemed like hours before the
plane finally came to a stop at the terminal.

Kevin shot up from his seat and was at the door waiting for it to be opened.
When it was, he took off down the long hallway that led to the airport and
practically ran down the corridor to the baggage claim and exit, nearly
killing a little old lady shuffling her way across his path. All he could
do was shout an apology over his shoulder, the only thought in his head was
getting to Nick. He had no suitcase with him, so he just made a dash for
the exit, hopping in the first taxi he saw. He gave the address of the
hotel and sat back catching his breath while the cabby drove.

**********************

Brian sat in a chair in Nick's room. Nick hadn't moved in an hour now,
except the constant shivering. He didn't talk, he didn't move, a few times
Brian wasn't even sure if Nick was breathing. He was still soaked from his
nightmare, but he didn't seem to notice. Brian's fingertips strayed to his
jaw, wincing when he felt the bruise starting there. He shook his head, 'AJ
was right. I was playing God. Because of me my best friend is practically
catatonic and my cousin looks like walking death. May God have mercy on my
soul if they ever find out what I did, I will need it.'

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I heard a door open. I knew it was Kevin. It was true, what he said. I
knew it was him without even looking, because I felt like I was whole again,
like his presence clicked something inside of me that said 'everything is as
it should be'

I hated myself for feeling that way, it was like my body was betraying me. I
bit my lip and tried to stop the shivering, not willing to show any weakness
in front of him.

I had to be hard. I had to have no emotion. I had to be distant. I had to
be everything he had become so he couldn't hurt me any more.

*********************

Brian rushed up to Kevin as he came in the door, stopping him before he went
into Nick's room. "Thank God! I thought he was going to have a nervous
breakdown on me! What the hell were you thinking treating him like that?!
Of all the stupid, selfish.... You just don't treat someone you love like
that!"

Kevin looked at Brian, his eyebrow raising slowly. He slapped something
against Brian's chest. Brian looked down and saw a plane ticket. Without
any warning, Kevin had Brian up against the wall, held there by his large
hand, "You would know about stupid and selfish wouldn't you, Brian? I had a
very enlightening talk with management. You're flight leaves in an hour, be
on it."

Kevin released Brian as his cousin looked at him wide eyed and Kevin fixed
his stone faced gaze on Brian, "Now."

Brian knew if he didn't disappear very fast that there would be no telling
what Kevin would do to him. He nodded quickly and ran to his room to do the
world's fastest packing job.

Kevin walked slowly to the door of Nick's room and saw him laying on his
side, his back facing him. He was shaking. No, he was shivering. Kevin
closed his eyes and swallowed deeply a few times to choke down the emotions
that were clogging his throat and threatening to cut off his airway. He was
soaked. He could see the sweat on the back of Nick's neck and how his back
shone in the light, wet with perspiration.

He opened his eyes and walked into the room, making my way to the bathroom
and starting the water in the tub.

I could feel Kevin there, looking at me, but when I heard the sound of
running water coming from the bathroom, I was confused, but damned if I was
going to turn around and look.

A minute later, I felt arms grab me off of the bed and I looked up to see
his face looking down at me, his beautiful....no, I couldn't think like
this. I couldn't fall back into something that was only going to get me
hurt. I stiffened in his arms and tried to push myself away, knowing if I
stayed in his arms like this that I would forget why I was angry. I would
forget I had every right to be pissed with him. I wouldn't remember
anything but how beautiful his face was.

He just held me tighter, which wasn't hard, considering how weak I was from
everything. "You can hate me all you want, but right now you are going to
hate me from a hot bath. You are freezing and soaked."

He put me down gently when we reached the bathroom and I weaved on my feet
for a second before getting my legs back underneath me. Kevin grabbed my
arms to steady me, but I slapped jerked out of his reach. "Don't touch me."

Kevin looked at Nick, his tone was so harsh, so cold that it practically
made him shiver right along with Nick. He tried to say something in his
defense, but all he could do was open and close his mouth uselessly.

I looked at him, he looked so hurt and sad that I almost pitied him, then I
realized I was the one wronged here, that I was the one used and cast
aside. It was me, not him that was the victim here. I did love, really I
did, but right now I was so mad I could hardly see straight. Before I knew
what I was doing, my fist connected with his stomach. I hit him, hard.
Then I hit him again, even harder, my fist grinding into his side as hard as
it would go.

For a minute I felt a satisfaction at seeing him crumple over, doubled, as
his breath left him and he clutched his middle. But when he looked up at
me, the fear I saw in his eyes made my blood freeze in my veins. Oh shit.
I wanted to hit myself. I had forgotten. In that one minute I did
something that made me want to crawl in a hole and die. With those two
punches I had made myself no better than the devil in a blue dress named
Stefanie. I had just become another person he loved that had hit him.


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