Part 8 … Nick

The soup was hot, and I’d practically stirred a hole in the bottom of the pan when I felt Lori’s presence in the kitchen. Funny, even in the shape she was in she could light up a room. Shit, there I go again. I reached for a bowl as I said, “Have a seat, everything’s ready.”

“How do you do that?” she asked me. “How do you know I’m there, know what I’m thinking before I even do?”

“It’s a gift,” I chuckled. I turned to set the soup in front of her and she took my breath away. No, not because she was beautiful, which she was, but because she looked so tiny and frail. The past twenty-four hours had taken their toll and she looked like hell.

“I look that good, huh?” Lori reached for her spoon and I knew I’d been caught staring.

“Eat up before it gets cold,” was all I could manage. I sat across from her and pretended to be interested in the contents of my own dish, even though it was the standard stuff from a can that we’d all grown up on. I glanced up from time to time, and I hoped she didn’t know it, but I watched as her fingers trembled with the effort to hold her spoon. Four times she picked up her spoon, and four times she put her spoon down in her bowl. I watched as she flexed her fingers and it was all I could do not to reach over and feed her.

Finally she sighed, giving up the effort and wiping her lips with her napkin. “That was good, Nick, thank you.”

Her voice was subdued, and she sounded defeated and that was what finally got to me. I gave up my own pretense at eating and leaned back in my chair. “Lori, I have to know something.”

“Sure Nick. Anything.” I watched her shrink even more into herself and I lost it. “Do you have a death wish?”

“What?” she gasped.

“You heard me. What the fuck were you thinking tonight? You have no business being out in the cold and the rain, you of all people should know what the damp cold will do to you. Your joints will ache for days, and never mind the fact that you could end up with pneumonia and-“ I broke off my lecture, not intending to voice the worst case scenario that had leaped to the forefront of my thoughts.

“And what, Nick? I could die?” she laughed perversely. “I’m going to die anyway.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s true, Nick. I’m going to die and no one gives a rat’s ass.”

“FUCK YOU, LORI!” I slammed my hands on the tabletop so hard that the dishes rattled and Lori jumped as her hand went to her throat. I was on my feet in an instant and I leaned over the table and got right in her face. “How dare you? How fucking DARE you sit there and say that no one cares?”

“Because it’s true,” she answered meekly as her eyes filled again. I had to give her a little credit; she fought the tears and tried to hold on to her emotions. Good for her, because my control was gone. Finito.

“Then explain to me what the past eighteen hours has been about. It’s a good thing I don’t really care about you, or I might have done a lot more than rescue you from some bar in the middle of the night. I might not have brought you home and taken care of you, or called your asshole boyfriend, or had your car towed-“

“You what?”

“I had your car towed to your house, and don’t change the subject.”

“That was so sweet of you, Nick.”

“No it wasn’t, and stop being nice to me. I’m trying to stay pissed off.” I pushed back my chair and as it fell to the floor I crossed the kitchen and stood at the sink, looking out into the dark rain that continued to pelt the city. I couldn’t breathe and this entire evening was not going at all like I’d imagined it. Once again, I’d let my temper run away with my common sense, and since they’d run off together, I seemed to have lost control of my mouth as well.

I felt her hands on my back, rubbing soothing circles on the tense muscles as she spoke quietly.

“What happened this afternoon?”

“Nothing happened.”

“Liar. I know you followed Howie.” She lay her cheek against my back and I managed to hold still as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

“I don’t want to talk about Howie.” I began to stack the dirty dishes in the sink, doing my damnedest to ignore what her touch was doing to me. This entire situation was messy enough without me letting my hormones run wild.

“He told you, didn’t he.”

“Lori-“

“It’s over, Nick. He told you he wasn’t going to marry me, didn’t he?” The tears she’d been fighting finally spilled over and I heard it in her voice. When I untangled myself from her arms and turned around, they were spilling down her face and she looked about thirteen years old.

“I’m sorry, Lori,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.” I opened my arms and she sank into them, crying as if her heart was breaking. I know mine was. I don’t know how she had any tears left, as much as she’d cried since I’d picked her up from the bar, but they continued to fall. Even as fragile as I knew she was, I held her tightly, almost as if I could will away the hurt she was feeling. She began to sniffle, and I reached behind me to grab a paper towel for her nose. I pressed it into her hand and she laughed.

“Fancy, Nick, very fancy.” She pulled back to blow her nose, and I chuckled at the awful sound she produced.

“Only the best for you, girlie,” I said with a grin. I tipped her chin up, and when I saw the ravaged look on her face I felt my own eyes fill.

“Tell me what he said.” She put her hand on my face and it felt so strange, almost as if she was comforting me.

“It’s not important.”

“Please? Nick, I need to know.”

“No, Lori, you don’t. Hearing the words won’t change what you already know.”

“Did you hurt him, Nick?”

“Did I-“ I couldn’t believe she asked me that. “Hurt him? I wanted to do more than hurt him.” “Nick please tell me you didn’t-“

“No, I didn’t touch him. He wasn’t worth my energy or a prison term. I know you love him, but god damnit Lori, he doesn’t deserve you. You’re too fucking good for him. You need someone who loves you completely, warts and all. If he can’t handle what you told him this morning, how the hell will he be able to help you in ten years? Or twenty years? You’re better off finding it out now.”

“I know you’re right Nick, but right now … right now it just hurts. It makes me feel so worthless, like I’m not good enough somehow. I was okay yesterday morning, but now I’m not. I was getting married yesterday morning and now I’m not.”

What could I say? Nothing. I sighed and hugged her again and she felt so small against me that I just wanted to hold her and protect her forever. I heard her yawn and I knew that she must be worn out. “Tired?”

“I shouldn’t be,” she protested, “I slept all afternoon.”

“It’s a different kind of tired, baby. You need a good night’s sleep.”

“No, I’m not ready to go upstairs yet.” She trembled and I took a wild guess at the reason why.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep. Okay?” I tangled my fingers in her hair and felt her relax, just a little. “Come on, Lori.”

I took her hand in mine and it felt so small, and it felt so good. What the hell was happening to me? I led her to my room, not the guest room, and she didn’t even put up a fight when I pulled back the comforter to tuck her in.

“Nick-“

“Come on, hop in.” A branch blew against the window and she jumped a bit. “It’s nasty out there tonight,” I said as I watched her rub her arms for warmth. “Good snuggle weather,” I added with a grin and wiggled my eyebrows as she turned to look at me.

“Nick?” she asked, something in her voice that I couldn’t put my finger on.

“Just a snuggle okay? Nothing more.” Unless you ask …

She seemed to accept that and I crawled into bed with her, pulling the covers up over her body until only the top of her head peeked out and I was certain that she could still breathe. We lay together until her breathing began to even out and I was certain that she was asleep. I was almost ready to slip out and go back downstairs when she spoke so softly I almost didn’t hear her.

“What’s going to happen to me?”

“I dunno, baby. I guess the first thing is to go back and talk to your doctor. Then we find out everything there is to know about this damned disease.”

“’We’?”

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what it is and how to fight it.”

“It’s not your battle, Nick.” She sighed and pressed closer to me, reaching up to join her fingers with mine. “But Nick? Thanks for caring.”

“I do care, Lori,” I whispered.

“I know you do,” she answered softly. “I didn’t mean what I said downstairs.”

“I know.” I kissed her ear through her hair and she sighed.

“You’re a good friend Nick. I wish …”

She stopped and I held my breath. There were so many places she could go with that one unfinished thought and it thrilled and terrified me at the same time. Finally I couldn’t stand it. I had to ask. “What, Lor? What do you wish?”

She sighed, a heavy aching sound. “I wish … I wish I didn’t have to be alone now. I thought Howie would stay, that he’d talk me out of calling off the wedding.”

“But he didn’t, and you have to believe it’s for the best.” My mind was running way ahead of me and the direction my thoughts were going was into completed uncharted territory. “You know …” I left it at that, my heart pounding against her back.

“What Nick?” she whispered, rubbing her thumb on the top of my hand.

“You don’t have to be alone.” What am I doing?

“I’ll be okay.” She sounded braver than I know she felt.

“But what if you’re not? I’m not willing to let you take that chance.”

“What exactly are you saying, Nick?”

“Marry me instead.”