El Smooche on "THE ART OF THE WYNDE"

When time was meaningless and the universe teetered on the brink of nothingness, there were The Tribe Of Lordes. To these wisened men was bestowed the task of saving man from himself and bringing the universe into balance. The great Lorde Of The Electric Wynde thus penned a document recounting the Lordes trials and tribulations, their foes and friends and the methods with which to restore balance and harmony.

Now, many, many lifetimes later, And with the guidance of The New Lorde Of The Electric Wynde, we get a glimpse into a past as glorious as one can imagine.All hail indeed!! 

Authors' note: While very generous in his sharing of this knowledge, El Smooche' would only share what he felt was safe to release. He stresses that to release too much information would be akin to awakening a slumbering beast hell bent on destruction. He goes on to say that "While we are in a state of relative balance... there are forces at work which are rising even now to take control. "We must remain vigilant and aware that at any time we will be at war, such a war as man has never seen, and will never see, because he will be dead!!"

THE WYNDE  

Behold ye who possess the Wynde. For it is a formidable force and must be given great respect. Those who can not control the Wynde are doomed and shall fall in its' path. It is a great friend, but misused or mistreated it will punish one with the Furious Fury of Furiousness. Take heed my children...

The Wynde comes to those who summon it. At first it arrives softly and without any misforgivings. To chant the words of incantation will awaken the gentle Wynde and set forth its power.  Within the 5-pointed star dwelleth ye who summon the storm of the Wynde. With ye tributes at the appointed star- points chant "---------------------------------------,---------,-------------,-------"ARISE!!! (Mr. Smooche' would not allow the chant to be printed). 

NEVER face ye Wynde. To do so is death. Ye Wynde must always be at ones' back, for in this manner it is a friend and a force. With ye Guardian at your back...go to battle men, and return with the sweet wine of victory on your lips!!

Ye Wynde will aid in a sweeping design to fell your opponents en masse. You only need to direct it. Once done, the Wynde will subside until summoned again.  

The Wynde does not request a sacrifice...nor does it scheme or subvert. It simply IS and will always be to those whom embrace its glory forever.

Come great Lordes!! Let us drink and be merry for we are the dawning of time and the future of all who will follow us.  Summon your powers and revel!! Our future spawn have been chosen, through The Hole in time we see these great men and their great love for what is true .

DRINK!!! DRINK!!! DRINK!!!

El Smooche  - excerpts from an interview
The theory of movement April 15, 2000

While a young El Smooche' was growing up in the frozen south, he was handed down from his family elder, a book. This sacred text contained The Tribe Of Lordes power incantations and methods of use. This particular text was penned by none other than the Ancient Lorde of the Electric Wynde. With great enthusiasm the young Lorde-To-Be enveloped himself in his Great Ancestors' ways and began working on his 10-point hair whipping technology not only as a form of godliness, but also just to stay warm! This constant motion has brought about not only his super powers, but an ability to control the movement of the lid in many beneficial ways (A technique not possessed by the Lordes...Have we a new Hero?!!).Here is a comprehensive look at the art of the hair fling and the power of the electric wynde.

THE STYLES OF "LIDDING"

1. The Whip...the most manly and physically taxing of all moves. Generates massive amounts of deadly static electricity capable of knocking down opponents at 50 paces. This move took years of constant practice with the  aid and direction of frozen south elder Dr. Andolfo Loadz. The whip has many faces, from the dizzying 360 to the low-dip 180 to the hypnotic figure eight. The figure eight is thought to be so powerful that watching it for more than 10 seconds is said to send the mind into ‘Infinity'.

2. The Fling...this is a truly amazing sight. It involves sending the hair straight up with such force that the hair is ‘scared straight' and will remain completely vertical for 1 or 2 seconds. An incredibly difficult maneuver, this took over 17 years to perfect. The Smooch is currently working on a horizontal version of this coveted move.

3. The Sweep...A combination move that when coupled with the low-dip 180, a ‘sweeping' effect is achieved. A highly effective move, and the laymen's favorite, this move will always clear a path for you to the front of the stage. Broken glass and confetti beware!!
Note...there is also some speculation that there is a ‘secret' reason for the Sweep style. Legend has it that in the golden age of battle, the Dark Lordes would use this move to fend off attack from incoming hostility. El Smooche' steadfastly refuses to elaborate on this power . He says the secrecy of this is paramount to the eventual return of the Olden Lordes. (The Author took great pains to try and find out more about this...when I confronted El Smooche' about the fact that the Lordes had no such powers, He merely lowered his head and whispered to me in a very deep and haunting voice..."My son, some things are best left alone". It sent such a chill down my spine that I could not continue). 

4. The Toss...This is a trick maneuver used to lull the enemy into thinking that they have stronger power. Just when they think they have you, BAM , you level them with the Figure Eight or the Sweep! The secret to success is to obtain a perfect ‘10-point' hair toss... known within the power circles as the Ultimate Poser Move or UPM. Tossing the hair in a perfect 10-point pattern, your foe thinks that you are a poser and will be easy to dominate. 

NOT SO!!! WHAT FOOLS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! 

5. The Flatline....Quite a simple move actually, it merely involves whipping the hair side to side with such speed that a ‘flatline' effect is produced. This is simply a resting technique and is used to appear ferocious while storing energy for a more difficult move. This is also a wonderful warm-up maneuver to prepare oneself for battle. 

There is more...much more, but that is only shared with within the Circles Of Power. 

legionofflames@mailcity.com